irish-fuckin-name - Tumblr blog

[irish-fuckin-name]

I went and did a silly thing today. Upon finding out that my mom wouldn't be getting back until late, I didn't just want to sit around at home all day, so I drove out to Sal's for lunch, where I made the mistake of reading through the Film Industry sub and getting so breakingly, bleakly fucking depressed. I just don't see how this ever gets better, especially in a way that includes me, especially from so far over here. My life, my future, my dreams, all the things that kept me alive so long, most probably fucking over.

I feel the most rapid-cycling I have in a long time. Sometimes I'm doing okay, focusing on the possibilities and logical positives, and then sometimes the reality of this hits so hard it makes me want to turn myself into a bonfire.

I was too screamingly fucked in the head to go straight home. I thought I was gonna drive around and have a cry, but I barely even cried. I just kind of drove around and listened to more of the P:TR D23 episode until I forgot how to feel things again. Depression... I want to say sucks, but I feel too sapped to even feel that way. Depression is a thing. It sure is a thing.

Anyway. I made it to Walgreens right before it closed to get my meds, and I got a gatorade and a Zofran in me, which has thankfully helped, since my stomach was feeling a little ooky.

I'm home now, for a quick Buffy watch, before I drive to AMC to watch Whisper of the Heart. I don't know what it is, but it's a Fathom event, and Ellie and Shay are seeing it, so we can do like a little book club about it. I dunno. I really hope that's good. The loss of them is maybe what's been so vampiring my soul.

[irish-fuckin-name]

Drove by a junkyard with a “guard dogs on duty” sign. Promise?

[irish-fuckin-name]

The industry (and my future) is so fucking cooked I’m having a panic attack in the Sal’s bathroom

[irish-fuckin-name]

It's cloudy, but I'm curled up on the couch with blankets, hoodies, and a mug of rich coffee :)

Last night was surprisingly fun! I met up at a brewery in Manchester with Kari, this girl from my department who's acting as my official advisor to getting an MLIS in a year. I actually shockingly really hit it off with her, even though she's super local-minded, she's super kind :) So I had a surprising amount of fun and yummy drinks!

When I got home, I hopped on Zoom to watch a Righteous Gemstones, which was fun at the time because I was a bit stoned, but upon waking up, I feel sad about it. I feel so far away from Ellie and Shay. I feel so distant and set apart that I don't even know if their relationship with each OTHER has been business as usual. We need a real talk soon, because of things have gotten this bad and my classes haven't even started yet, this will kill me.

[irish-fuckin-name]

My brain is already growing antsy and bored with unemployment. Gonna let that germinate inside me so I can use it as an absolute fucking SPRINGBOARD to get off my ass and start doing stuff come Monday.

[irish-fuckin-name]

Seated on the plane and already listening to an American Idol winner’s song from 2016. Rural redneck Mississippi of the Northeast, I am COMING for you.

I laugh so I don’t cry.

How the fuck did I get here?

[irish-fuckin-name]

On the plane aaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa :(

[irish-fuckin-name]

Well, things really have gotten That Bad. In less than an hour, I leave my LA apartment, home, and life for a year.

XCo laid me off. Nevermind that I was one of more than 300, and that it had nothing to do with my performance, I'm unemployed and that's that. I have no money and my parents aren't going to support me anymore. I suppose I should be punished for choosing to work at a company that has that level of financial instability anyway, or something.

So, I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going to Paris for a week, as planned, for my mom's retirement trip, then flying back to New Hampshire instead of California. Living at home, getting my library degree, learning to be an adult and not a faildaughter.

(God, I don't want to sound like an ungrateful little bitch, but if I'd known even two days ago that this would happen, I would not have wanted to go to Paris. I don't even get a last full week in my home.)

I don't know, man. Part of me is devastated, screaming and raging and fucking clawing at the bars of my cage. The other part of me is just numb, and feels pathetic for being upset knowing how much worse I could have it. Part of me is like "anyone can do anything for a year," the other part of me is like "my 27th year when I probably get 60something because I'm not a healthy person? Fuck no, this is my primetime, baby."

But one thing is for certain. I am not letting this derail my life. If I live in New Hampshire and become a librarian, I fucking die. It ends me. So it is not going to happen under any circumstances. I mapped out all the courses. I can get this degree in a year if I take summer classes, and I won't have any kind of social life so I'll have nothing to do but crank that shit out. I won't spend any money-- I have my family for rent and food and other than that, I will fucking stockpile every scholarship check I get. I will write constantly. I won't let anything distract me or tie me to New England. And I'll run right back to LA, with savings and portfolio, able to defend myself, and the industry will be healthier and have more entertainment jobs and I will mother. fucking. GET. ONE. I will not let this kill me, even though it feels like it might.

And of course, all this is happening while I'm fucking bleeding out and my intestines feel heavy with endo. Ugh.

I should finish packing. I have to leave in about half an hour.