itsthattimeofyearagain

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

summer diaries 5/21/25

i want to let go of all of my grudges, i want to be free from just hate, to other people and to myself. i want to be skinny, god i want to be skinny, i hope i can stay motivated

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if i don't post myself to espresso this summer my life will be officially over

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when i grow up i want to play the guitar play the piano make salsa from a garden i'll grow live near my friends have a guy tell me i'm hot kiss a girl like my body learn to cook write a song fall in love make my mom proud graffiti a train

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get out of your mind

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

i finally figured it out. why i’m not funny anymore, one step behind its bc i cant get out of my head i’m so stuck in my head i can’t be normal and have a conversation and listen my anxiety is really bad rn and i didn’t even realize it i think its bc that gut nauseous feeling is gone, that feeling defined me so much, it defined my anxiety anxiety was that feeling in my stomach and now that its gone i haven’t truly been identifying my stress with anxiety i didn’t correlate that i couldn’t keep up with my classmates bc i was so stuck in my head, not listening to friends bc i couldn’t escape my thoughts my thoughts define me i always listen to them i want to have a clear mind but i keep disassociating from people i’m never truly in the room people i feel so separate from the moment everyone is laughing and talking and i’m stuck staring everything they r is what i was not why does this feel so personal? be present snap out of it for once quit thinking

about them and everyone think about u and what u r doing and want to do

u r ur only problem

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

i am so overwhelmed i cant. i want to just relax but i can't find the motivation to do anything anymore. i dont even mean that in a depressing way, i just mean i am so frustrated. i am so sick of wanting to do things and not doing them. i don't understand why it is so hard to commit. why can everyone put off studying except me? why do i let these things pile up until i feel overwhelmed. why do i not have self control. why can i not concentrate and commit. i am so tired of letting myself down yet i can't change. i want to be better, but i'm not. i'm just not willing to put in the work. but i want to start. i need to start actually holding myself accountable. i am so lazy and tired. please wake up

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

september 9th, 2024

my rage is not yours to claim

why when i clench my fists, is it my father’s instinct? he is not the first to hate. maybe the first to hate me. either way. my rage is mine i am angry because i can be take my life take my freedom take me away but do not touch

my anger,

that is mine.

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

i love food. i'm so glad i have a good friend to talk to about this kind of stuff with. briefly mentioning my eating disorder and her understanding it. i love my friends. and i really love my best friend. please god let us stay best friends

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

all week we hold shit in, but down here we piss it out -joe p

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

and maybe i am a good person. i no longer hate her. she is so pretty and i can't really see why i did before. i kind of just want to move on with my life, and moving on is accepting things r the way they r. i no longer want to get back tg with u. not in a rude way, in really a nothing way. i am working on having no hard feelings and just being neutral. neutral with no ill intent. just sort of a bystander to u. my life has moved on and so had urs. i no longer crave drama like i used to and am trying to focus on having a calm and peaceful life. in the sense of getting used to the monogamy of every day and being okay with it. welcoming consistency. i want to cuss less and think before i speak and be myself while also recognizing parts of me much change. as much as i really don't want to admit it, i still like u. i still want to get back with u. but i need to stop feeding into that fantasy altogether. so i do not want to get back tg with u. or even entertain the idea. we r WAYYYY better like this. i enjoy not talking to u, or wanting to text u, or having to text u, or wanting u to text me. i love my friends and there is so much to look forward to this month. nothing really to miss. so i am happy and content. i have no regrets and i have nothing i wish to change. i am who i want to be as of right now and that is all that matters. i am not getting better for u, this is all for me. and i am happy.

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

i go home, and do my makeup. i have no one to impress but myself. i can tell my friends are getting annoyed by me, i keep fishing for compliments, but i hate my face. god i hate it. i feel so ugly. it sucks that all of that is bc of a boy. but i want to be pretty so bad. i find myself comparing me to her and her and everyone. no one wants me, and it feels like my fault. i'm not pretty enough. if i was prettier, he would want me. if i was prettier, someone would want me. but i'm so obsessed with my looks, i'm skipping homework to look in the mirror. any spare time can be dedicated to making myself look pretty. and there's nothing wrong with experimenting with makeup, but its all i do. you've made me compare myself to them every second of the damn day. i feel gross, i wish someone could understand how much i hate being in my own skin. none of my clothes are flattering or cute. i hate my body, my legs, my arms, my face, my hair, hate it all. and its all ur fault. why did u have to go and make a list? i admit thats its childish to just blame u for my insecurities, they have always been here. bubbling in my chest. but for a while, the insecurities died in my throat at the sight of u. u were this reassurance, that i was enough. i never would have imagined u would make that list. that u had one. i'm sorry i wasn't pretty enough. truthfully i'm embarrassed. you'll move on, u have moved on, with someone prettier than me. and i hate that. i'll be ur worst relationship, and u will always be my first. we can't change those roles. but i want u to look at me and miss me. or find me attractive. but u don't. i'll never know what u liked about me. or what u found attractive, but i don't want people to look at me, and think i'm ugly, bc now i have that label. i feel unloveable and unattractive bc u let go of me so easily, and i feel like everyone thinks that. ig i always have to be the victim in our relationship. i wanted things to workout differently, but even now i hear u talk, and i don't recognize ur voice. i don't remember what it felt like for u to compliment me, or look at me, like u loved me. its all gone now, and ig i'll never get proper closure. there will always be things left unanswered, and its probably all for the best. so for now, i need to focus on me, and loving myself, i'm stuck on looks, bc it kills me u never thought i was pretty. and yk what i mean by that. i don't remember when u stopped asking to call. but i still feel the ache of calling u and having nothing to say. we were never gonna work out. i dont know who's fault that is, or if anyone is to blame, but we both did something wrong. i just wished u missed me. i feel like we ended to abruptly. but its not like u opposed it. so ig its okay. i don't want any bad blood. tbh i just want to forget it all happened. leave it in the back of my mind and talk to u. but i also don't want to talk to u. i also want nothing to do with u. i hate u for talking to her again. i hate it. why did u do this to me u dug this hole for me and i feel so trapped in it i hold our relationship like a grudge u left it to die and it pisses me off i wish u missed me not because i want to get back together but bc i don't want those months to feel like a waste were we nothing? was all that nothing? all that crying just for neither of us to try thats what i'm left on that u don't care u don't need to move on bc u don't need to move we were nothing and ig i need to accept that the only way i can get over u is to except we rushed it we didn't do it right i say we it was u but being petty gets me nowhere so we were wrong i don't regret dating u i regret how it ended but ultimately it was for the best it shows how little u cared

the effort u wouldn't put in the relationship the breakup now thats who u r a half-assed loser who leaves me here with a list, empty promises, and a cold hand

ihy for that

but i don't hate you

i just wish u gave a shit

but u don't so for now, forever really goodnight ufb

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

only before

i never really wrote poems abt u while we were dating

only before

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

october 2nd, 2024

keep thinking of them poem by jenny lewis, “if u want me, you better speak up”

i dont really care for the last few lines but i love the opening: “Fuck subtext!/ say it with your chest!” being in love with someone, is weird. you wake up thinking about them, fall asleep thinking about them, halfway through your day you’re thinking about them. “my thoughts can not move an inch without bumping into some piece of you” sticks with me. its like everything i do, i wish u were there for it.

its also interesting how trauma impacts how we love. like, everyone is telling me he likes me. its confirmed, but then why dont i believe it? whether it was or was not my parents intention, love with them growing up felt conditional. there were times i felt like my parents didnt love me. so if the people who birthed me and raised me can find me so unloveable, how could he? i have been obsessed with this guy since i got to high school, and now he likes me? it doesn’t feel real. thats something that happens to other people not me.

he makes me physically ill. i haven’t eaten much in that past few days out of pure anxiety. i don’t know if this is healthy, i’ve never done it before. so i’m trying to type it down to calm my mind. acknowledging my thoughts seems to help, so ig we’ll see. i want him to scream my name with no caution. to grab my hand in a crowd and make way for us. i want for him to look at me like i’m the last person he’ll ever love. i know i wont be, but for now lets pretend. fuck subtext, say it with your chest. scream it into the sky and don’t wait for god to answer. look at me with your prayers and desires and know i’ll do anything to make them true. i want you to want me. phsyically. in all the ways you can want someone. “sometimes i wonder when u sleep, r u ever dreaming of me?” i’ve dreamt about him. its weird, but not intentional. i worry, u dont want me the same way i want u. that even if u do like me, its temporary or a phase or u don’t like me half as much. i cant sleep, cant eat, cant think. but i think u can. people love differently, ig its wrong to gauge another person’s feelings for them, but, what else can i do? i dont want to get hurt.

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

rpt

and you said, it’s only because you’ve been in a three year relationship, and i said that makes sense

but i wondered

the things you did with her to knock you down a few points would you ever do them

with me?

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

i think he knows

he’s gotta know there’s no way he doesn’t everything he does its for me i swear

its the way he puts his arm on my desk the way he looks me in the eye every movement every breath i swear its for me

he knows he’s taunting me i swear

its the way he puts his arm on my desk its the look in his eyes i swear to god

he knows

and he’s in love with messing with my head with my heart

i don’t have to tell him i think he knows

[itsthattimeofyearagain]

𝔟𝔩𝔲𝔢 𝔪𝔬𝔬𝔡