jolovesbooks - Tumblr blog

[jolovesbooks]

When you accidentally become a Swiftie through TikTok :D

I swear I always said I like her music but only know few of her songs and I actively decided not to become obsessed with her. Now I know almost all her songs, know more about her personal life and all the drama surrounding her than I wanted to, get daily updates about her tour and people trying to get tickets. Yeah... so much about the "not becoming a Swiftie" thing...

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Theres something about someone sending you Reels or Tiktoks about your current obsession, even though they don't really know or like it. It just makes my day

[jolovesbooks]

- Heartstopper Season 2 coming out on August 3rd (I can't believe I forgot that)

Reasons why I should stay alive:

- I'm going to a Louis Tomlinson Concert in 4 month

- my plushies would miss me (maybe my friends too)

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Stop I've been crying enough about this already today😭

crying for no specific reason

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People who have saved my life without them knowing:

My best friends

My siblings

My parents

The Heartstopper Cast (and Heartstopper itself, but that's not a person)

Louis Tomlinson

Harry Styles

All of the One Direction Boys really

I don't care if people call me crazy for being obsessed with a show, actors, bands and singers. I don't care if they say I'm too old for it. I don't care if they say it's cringe.

These people have saved my life and I would not be here without them. Yes, the people I'm surrounded with play a big part in it too, but when I feel like everything is too much these shows and actors and bands and singers can put a smile on my face, they can comfort me with their songs, their interviews, their realness. They are the reason why I haven't given up yet, why I keep going, keep trying even tho sometimes I feel like it's pointless

[jolovesbooks]

Reasons why I should stay alive:

- I'm going to a Louis Tomlinson Concert in 4 month

- my plushies would miss me (maybe my friends too)

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Lately I've been doing some "stepping out of my comfort zone" things. Today, for example I am going to a concert alone. I haven't felt so good about myself and my life, without the influence of other people, in a very long time and it's a very nice knowing I'm capable of this.

Also I haven't been this nervous since last year when I went on a two days solo trip to see one of my favourite authors :D

Also if I'm this nervous now, how am I going to survive the Louis Tomlinson concert I'm going to in October, which I've been wanting to do for years and now finally bought tickets

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Today I was furiously searching for my keys that I put away to a place "where I would find them". They weren't on the hook they're usually at. I searched for about an hour, "cleaning" my room in the meantime, having a breakdown and singing to One Direction while crying in an attempt to cheer me up, wasting an hour of sleep, cause I can't go to work tomorrow without my keys but I also need to sleep.

Guess where my adhd brain thought was a "good place" to put them...

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Maybe I look weird, but at least I'm not boring

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I have my driving test today and I wish I hadn't told people about it. Cause everyone think I will easily pass it and now I feel like I will dissapoint everyone if I fail :D

Like dissapointing myself is okay, I do that all the time but it's different when other people expect things from you :D

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I just finished reading "they both die at the end". I am not okay. Adam Silvera had no right making me sob while reading it. I mean is it beautiful? Yes. Is it worth reading? Absolutely. But it still destroyed me in every single way possible and I will never forgive Adam this :D

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Every time I fall into another period of reading for hours, finishing a book in one session, after not reading for weeks, I ask myself why? Why do I keep watching TikToks for hours and hours and can't take a book to read although I want it so much and although every time I do, I feel good and happy and alive and every time I spent hours on TikTok I feel guilty and ashamed and lazy. Why?

Although I do feel kind of guilty when I read my comfort books in one sitting once again, ignoring the ongoing list of books I own and haven't read xD

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I don't f*cking understand myself. A few hours ago I was purposely walking through the pouring rain and didn't feel anything, couldn't even cry ko matter how much I wanted to. And now I'm laying in bed crying over all the f*cking small things that don't even matter.

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TW: homophobia

Yesterday after pride I had my very first homophobic interaction in real life. I am used to people on the internet saying stuff about queer people and I get mad and sad very often, but it's anonymus, I don't know the people, it's easier to forget and I can leave whenever I want, I can put away my phone, close an app, delete comments, scroll past posts.

But in real life you can't escape. Although I'm open about my sexuality, in real life I don't really get comments. At least not from strangers. I don't have a partner, I don't run around with a big pride flag all the time.

But then yesterday at the pride parade I left early. It was just too overwhelming for me and I thought I would explode, so I took the next tram to get my luggage that I stored at a friends garage.

Rainbow on my face, pride flag bracelets, rainbow pin and big rainbow pride flag around my shoulders, I walked into the station and immediately felt off. At pride I was one person in a crowd of thousands of queer people. There at the station I was the only one with a rainbow. I took the tram and yes I had the chance to take off all my pride related things. I could've gone back to my normal invisible self. But I didn't want to hide myself. I did nothing wrong.

I sat down and a mother and her son got on the tram too. The son refused to sit next to me. The mother sat down as far as possible. They started to talk about the "rainbow people". I stared at the son. He stared back at me with a, I'd call it disgusted face.

The problem only really began when the tram got stuck in a tunnel. It couldn't drive further out of the tunnel because of the pride parade (I don't think because people were on the tracks but rather that there was something that had to be removed) and we were stuck there for about 15 minutes. Mother and son started to talk shit about queer people. "All just because of Christopher" (I suppose he was talking about Christopher Street Day), "It's so useless to wear rainbow, nobody even fucking cares", "They're all so disgusting." "My friend hates them too" "It's all because of those people" "No one needs this" "They didn't write about this in the newspaper, I wouldn't have taken the tram". All that while I sat there, while they stared at me.

But what really hit me was when the son said: "The driver should just drive the people over" And with "the people" he meant the "rainbow people" the queer people. Me, if I haven't left early. He stared at me. I stared back, but I couldn't do more, cause I was already on the verge of tears and didn't wanna make it worse.

If I my mental health that day wasn't already bad before, this would've probably not be so significant to me. Just a few idiots, nothing more. But specifically the "wanting queer people to die" statement really got me. For a few minutes after the incident I thought I am okay. Then I had a panic attack in the middle of the street and called my sister to pick me up.

I know they are just two idiots who probably just needed someone to be the reason for their problems. I sometimes forget that there are people outside of my queer and supportive bubble who are mean. And I hate that they exist. And I especially hate the impact they have on me.

This is why we need pride month. To fight for our rights, to fight for a society in which we can live without being threatend. Yes, sometimes I struggle with my identity and in moments like this I wish I was a cishet person. But I am proud to be myself and I will not hide anymore, I will not let those people get to me and I will keep on fighting for my rights, even when I breakdown.

[jolovesbooks]

For like my whole life I thought my sister, who is five years older than me (she's 24), was very mature and then today she pointed at a truck giggling and was like "it looks like boobs". I am honestly not dissapointed xD

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I think Sebastian Croft is my new favourite person. I love him. Listened to a podcast with him after I had a panic attack and tried to calm down and stop crying and he genuinely made me laugh when I was feeling like shit and made me feel okay the way I am and the way I feel

(Actually I love all of the heartstopper cast and I love listening to interviews and stuff with them. It is not only interesting, but also helps me so much calming down and getting rid of overwhelming thoughts for a moment)