joysearch101 - Tumblr blog

[joysearch101]

Anger, and its underlying root cause, is like a pirate lying in wait to attack us on our journey to joy. Until we understand the root of our anger, what pushes those “foundational lies” buttons, it will control us and happiness will remain a distant mirage.

[joysearch101]

7/16/16 3:51PM

I get the finger when he calls me over to look at a boat on his computer, while he's talking to his daughter on the phone. I look, but can't really see it and say, "I'll take a look at it." Of course he and his daughter are talking about plans for our upcoming weekend without involving me. When I motion that I'd like to be involved in the plans I get a scowl.

[joysearch101]

Verbal Abuse...

I’m going to start recording the verbal and emotional abuse I receive from the man who states he loves and cares about me. 7/16/16: “Grumpy Old Hag”, hurled at me after a grimace from being hit in the elbow, while brushing my teeth, as he barrels through the closed door he ignored because he wanted to navigate through the bathroom I was using. He has no boundaries or respect for my privacy, but I’m the bad guy because I react to pain inflicted by his lack of regard.

[joysearch101]

I can't help but smile at the image of Johnny Dep as Captain Jack Sparrow! So it's fitting I use this meme for my post today. I'm learning to express gratitude for these 56 years of life, learning and love; all the experiences of being human. They've not always been the happiest of times and I've questioned the reason for continuing many times. But over just the past few years, I've begin to see and understand that each piece in the mosaic of my life was created or discovered or delivered perfectly at any given place and time on my path to this moment. And I'm learning to accept and embrace my power and responsibility for this creation that is my life. So, I'm most grateful for a higher power, with more awareness of what I need, to have been alongside me each step of the way as I become me. I'm not there yet, but I'm more aware and actually anticipating the joy of my continued awakening and development into all I am. Happy Birthday to me!

[joysearch101]

Grateful for Karma

Kar-ma: (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences. - destiny or fate, following as effect from cause. - from Sanskrit, 'action, effect, fate.' Oh God I hope so! Talk about disappointment in the human species. And even more disappointing, being betrayed by one of our own. Seriously! What is wrong with women?! I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I poured blood, sweat and tears into some great work and was so close to the celebration of all those years of 100-hour weeks, no weekends, "business vacays". Then to have the long anticipated, over-rehearsed, hurt-your-face, ecstatic grin of the joy of its fruition ripped right from my very soul. Might as well have cut out my own heart with a plastic knife and stomped it into tiny pieces. All those foundational lies I've worked so hard to banish; the "not quite good enough, but I'm faking it and finally feeling validated" comes crashing down when another woman, who I'm sure has had to battle her own "less-than" demons, wields the fatal death stab from out of nowhere. What a vengeful coward. And yet, from the depths of my own anguish, right there with that rock in my gut, I actually feel really sorry for her. And what helps me move through and rise up from my shock and hurt is an even sweeter vision of cold-cocking her and watching her crumble at my feet! I believe I've earned my semi-sick fantasy! I'll be alright. Three years ago, maybe not-so-much. But today, I'm fine. I'll wallow in the sadness of having the initial joy of victory stolen from me, but I'll walk out the other side whole. What she's trying to sell me, I'm not buying. And there's karma. I'm so grateful for karma.

[joysearch101]

The Magic Kingdom is crumbling...

So almost halfway into this game of life, I realize something’s missing. In the beginning inklings of my discontent, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I no longer feel immortal and sense being “an age” - a concept never questioned prior to hitting thirty. It’s a small nagging thing in the back of my brain with which the purchase of a pair of new shoes initially pushes back into its corner. But it returns. Again and then more frequently. I’m two failed relationships into adulthood; the fairly big ones, one of which should have taken by this point. I’m working a “career” I slowly begin to realize I didn’t really choose, but has somehow become “what I do” and, other than covering the month to month expenses of existence, leaves me flat and drained; it’s just a job.

Keep in mind, it’s the early nineties and the new-age words and phrases, “making my soul sing”, “answering my call”, etc., are nowhere on my radar. I am just coming into an awareness that there is no magic kingdom on my horizon. I’ve checked most of the squares of societal and familial expectation; finished school, gotten a respectable job, married, with built-in children, remodeled the perfect home, am entertaining the right group of friends and have all the required acutrements in my closet and garage that define success. A complete life, right? >p>And tagging along each day is a nudging, nagging restlessness of a growing boredom that I’d soon learn would become increasingly louder, sniping at me, “Is this it?”. It would soon become clear to me that the fairy tale was nowhere to be seen and what I’d settled for fell flat of anything close to what Disney teased every little girl with not so long ago on those Saturday evenings.

I’ve come to realize now that most of us lived our early years on blissful remote, with little awareness of our need to “create” our paths; we just put one foot in front of the other and reacted to external stimuli and responded to the actions of those who pretty much controlled our days. Our parents, siblings, teachers, coaches, led us along and we blindly followed. At least I did. And I certainly don’t ever remember consciously choosing any paths with the expectation of joy as an outcome. I never gave joy a fleeting thought. Fleeting happiness came and went, if it showed up at all. I was busy just getting through my days of expected childhood accomplishments, brushed teeth intact, homework completed on time, recitals and school plays, with no major flops in hopes of securing parental pride. Escape from the pressures of the have-to’s was a fort in the backyard and endless summer days bicycling the neighborhood from dawn until the porch light flickered. I never considered I needed to make any choices for the most part. And my future was the least of my concerns.

And looking back, this is quite sobering to me because I now understand how those years of unconscious, reactionary existence landed me where I am today. And yet, I’ve also learned everything happens in perfect order. I now understand better the real “job” of my life; I am now present to review this initial period of remote existence and from its lessons understand that I alone am responsible for the life I’ve experienced thus far. I must examine and unravel my messy past, separate beliefs that serve me from foundational lies that have crippled me, and crawl out from under my shame to acknowledge and embrace who I am. All my thoughts of yesterday have created my experience of today. And it’s all as it should be. The dots connect perfectly. And I will move forward with a new and clearer vision of who I am. Knowledge is power. Now I’m compelled to use it. I can’t “not know” what I now know.

Even though the light is on and I “know” the truth of my being now, I still find it a constant struggle moving from that remote state of unawareness and fully living in the light of who I am. It’s the human condition of ego vs spiritual being. I am constantly catching myself reverting to old patterns and reliving the old feelings of shame and separation. And it is through the slow learning of watching for the feelings I don’t like that I have that is helping me remember who I am and how I want to feel. I have to remind my human self to gently move back to center with compassion, forgiveness and acceptance that this beautiful mess of a human being is me and she’s perfect and right on track. Because my divine, spiritual self created her. And she has a purpose, a unique calling only she can fulfill. And only through this sloppy but perfectly designed, planned and expertly executed manifestation will “I” ultimately experience joy!

As spiritual beings, we have created this ultimate game we call life here on this game board we call earth; creating our “human” beings. And like the natural, remote “play” of our childhoods, we can become aware again of the power of our imaginations and our life experience can be fun! It should be fun! It should be anything we desire it to be! I believe the “work” before us is remembering who we are and reconnecting with our spiritual selves. As human beings, it is work, but once we reconnect and remember the spiritual beings we really are, it is the most fulfilling “job” in this world!

With this new realization, Disney’s promise of a “Magic Kingdom” is but a cardboard shanty vaporized into pixie dust. We each have all the power we need to create our wildest dreams!