jst-asking

[jst-asking]

Why would you let me terminate my lease if you're still unsure you even want me there?

[jst-asking]

If I don't get manager then I'll probably Jill myself because what even is the point anymore, things are falling apart right as they were starting to come together.

[jst-asking]

Leave it to me to ruin everything when I have been trying so hard to be aware. I fucking hate myself.

[jst-asking]

I want to feel good about his comments of "I'm too comfortable with you," because maybe he's saying it as a kind of shocked thing, like he never expected to feel like he can be himself fully around a partner? But at the same time maybe it just means that I'm a safe choice and he doesn't feel a desire to wow me or w/e. It doesn't really matter. Even if it is the latter then that means I don't have to worry too too much. He did say that he's always looking for better though so actually no scratch that. I know there is better. And I know he will find it in a format that's available to him. So even if I am a safe choice, I can't feel comfortable in that. Amazing.

[jst-asking]

Hate having to defend myself all the time and then it just makes things worse anyway.

[jst-asking]

I wouldn't be surprised if he hated me. If he regrets this. Maybe he thinks he's made a huge mistake. I just want him to be mean to me to tell me to go away to tell me to shut up not in a playful way to break my heart because it's what I feel like I deserve. I deserve the insults, the judgement. He doesn't have that good of a time with me if we don't actually ignore how horrible a person I am, so I don't know why he'd even want to stay. Maybe guilt, too many plans, too much talk about the future, maybe embarrassment from having inserted me so much into his life and so it's hard to face the reality of having to tell them all that it's over for real. I deserve every bit of not great treatment I get. I'm ugly and I'm far too fragile physically and mentally to deal with. Just tell me what else is wrong with me. Surely there must be some relief when you lash out at me and tell me you don't want to be with someone who has scars all over her face, when you tell me you have to walk on even greater eggshells when we're around "the love of your life." Surely there's more you'd want to say.

[jst-asking]

But how long can he tolerate me? When I ruin things the second I arrive, have all these physical flaws, am a horrible person, and he feels that I am so volatile and unpredictable and unstable. And supposedly people aren't supposed to cry this much. Apparently I make hanging out with his friends worse. Apparently I make him feel like he's walking on eggshells, even though he told me a few weeks ago that he doesn't feel that way/that that isn't the right wording. He's said things while angry with me lately that are hurtful, and when he's not angry he says that's not how he feels/how he sees me, but from my experience things said in anger are the more true of the two. I'm ugly with so many fucking scars on my face and now my legs, and I make him feel like he's walking on eggshells. Who would want to stay with someone so horrible?

I don't want him to be with me because "why not" or because he sometimes has a good time with me. I want him to actually actively want to be with me. No passive "I guess this is acceptable" kind of deal.

And I get the message about things he's been saying. I'll shut up about kids, I really fucking need to. Shut up about work and money and just all this bullshit and just stop talking so much period. Always talk too fucking much. No wonder no one's stuck around me. I'm not holding my breath on him wanting me to move in after Denver, even if it goes perfectly. Keeping my renewal offer on hand, I'm sure I can figure out how to afford it. I'd say hopefully I make manager soon but that's just more evidence for me needing to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[jst-asking]

Does he love me or just how I make him feel and is there a difference? And does it matter? He said at the very least we're good together, make a good partnership, so he could at least tolerate me at a minimum it seems. Sounds like he at least thinks it's practical enough to maintain.

But I need to not get swept up in my imagination and I need to not think about the future.

[jst-asking]

I don't doubt that he loves me, I don't doubt that he cares about me, I don't doubt that he wants to be with me. I really am glad that we didn't try prior to now, we have a real chance where we're at now. He's sweet to me and I can tell he's trying and he's taking into account things I say and he's being more verbally reassuring and I feel very secure. It's hard to be there with my emotions right now, I feel numb and cut off from everything. But I know I love him and he makes me happy and I care very very deeply for him and worry about his wellbeing in a way that's different from past relationships. It felt desperate before in past relationships, but this feels natural, it feels like care born out of true love. I want the future to come so quickly, but I need to be present in the here and now and enjoy every second we have together. I know I will cherish how we have supported each other through this stressful time in the future, a nice reprieve in the middle of such chaos.

[jst-asking]

So selfish, so stupid, so self serving, so self centered, so horrible. Just grow up already. And for gods sake stop thinking about that, stop thinking about back then, stop reading into things, stop inventing things that may or may not be true and just be happy with what you have for the time being. Stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about the future Jesus Christ stop thinking about the future. Idk how I got here and I don't take any of it for granted, it's like a dream come true, it's surreal, literally could never have imagined this being something that a) would happen and b) be so good as it is. So just be present and stop thinking about the fucking past. Stop getting ahead of yourself. You already know you're not worth the long haul for anyone, so just appreciate what you have while you have it.

[jst-asking]

h8 myself so much 4 real

[jst-asking]

Just be happy with what you have just be happy with what you have just be happy with what you have just be happy with what you have

[jst-asking]

Hypersensitive idiot just be happy be focused be present, stop dwelling on things that cannot and will not change and be conscious of the fact that he's chosen to be with you and continues to choose to be with you when I'm sure being alone would be a better alternative to being with someone he didn't place importance on. It's not even that I don't believe him, it's not even that I don't trust him, because I do, but I judge myself based on how he interacts with certain other women and how he tells me they're pretty and it still hurts that he is unwilling to stop telling me when he finds another woman pretty. I judge myself and worry about being good enough because I never have been in the past, for him or for anyone else, I worry about him losing interest because I could never compare to her or whoever else it may be.

Little passive aggressive jabs, like calling me a crybaby and following it up with "in your own words," comments that don't go over well on me, judging me for small oddities like how I eat candy or whatever, literally telling me to keep some things to myself because he doesn't want to know, mundane shit. Cutting me off before I can finish explaining something. Maybe I just talk too fucking much. Who can blame him.

[jst-asking]

I wanna die, I hate myself and hate that I'm so sensitive and hate that I make things harder for absolutely everyone and hate that I'm so selfish and hate that I can never do enough and hate that I am who I am. One of the only things my brother and I can agree on is that we both think we make everyone's lives worse. Probably for him he just makes his own life worse, but I make everyone's including my own worse. I am trying to be good, I am trying to be helpful, but I can never be or do enough to make it okay, I don't know how I can help when it's refused, I don't know what I can do. When my company isn't preferred or wanted. When it would just make things worse, but I'm used to that by now or at least should be. I am trying to not make anything at all about myself but like everything having to deal with interacting with other humans I fail at that. Attitude change. Perspective change. I really do take into account what he's going through, but I don't know where the line is and I don't want to overstep it. I try to comfort him, I try so hard to be there for him, but what else could I do literally other than not be fucking annoying, which I failed at tonight clearly. I at least came to my senses I suppose.

Why can't I be a source of comfort, why can't I be a source of support, why can't I be someone you come to, why can't I make anything better?

I want so badly to cut myself, but I don't know if he'll want to see me this weekend and if so I don't know if I'll be naked at any point and I'm sure that'd make him feel way worse than anything else I do if he were to see that. I just truly hate myself lately and I wish there was something I could do. I feel guilty and selfish for suffering, what's there for me to suffer from?

[jst-asking]

He's so sweet, I hope this lasts forever

[jst-asking]

Feeling so very insecure and embarrassed and annoying and maybe it's my having missed 2 doses of pristiq now but maybe it's just because I am annoying and should feel embarrassed and insecure. We've had such a good time this weekend but he's been lowkey kind of aggressive towards me and I feel embarrassed about music I put on that stupid playlist and I feel embarrassed for being fucking weird about food and being weird about how I sit and I feel judged and like he's maybe second guessing how he feels idk I just feel really embarrassed.

[jst-asking]

I'm pretty sure he knows, I think he was kind of urging me into saying it last night, "only like?" after I said I like him, I just kissed him and after a bit said I was restraining myself and he said "I'm pretty sure I know from what", and at several points last night and this morning I wanted to say it, but it just doesn't feel like an appropriate time. And even if he does feel the same way, it feels selfish of me to say it. But I want to, and it's getting a bit hard to not accidentally say it. I wish he would say it first but I'm not going to fight saying it anymore if the moment feels right. But I will follow it up with reassurance that he does NOT have to say it back.