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[kitsunetheblogger]

The girl on the bus

I was travelling home and there was a family of four next to me. The couple and their elder daughter who was around seven and a son who was around four. The little guy was so energetic and he started to play hide and seek with me, tell stories about his class and also teach me how to use my phone. The sister was shy. I didn’t want her to feel ignored. I talked to her and continue and ask her what happened next whenever her stories were interrupted. I was so tired since it was late night but i was trying to be kind and was getting zoned out in the middle of her stories. But then she started talking about her school and how the school she is now in is the best in the world. She started saying how she had to sit on the floor in her previous school always at a race with her classmates for the best spot. She was so happy that the new school had chairs and tables! Her favourite was that the tables even had a space for keeping her things! You could see her excitement when she told that.

When did I forget to be happy with all the things I had? When did I forget to appreciate the little things? I could be 50 years old but never as mature and patient and optimistic as the girl on the bus. A 7 year old helped me to stop complaining and start living. Thank you❤️

[kitsunetheblogger]

The customized labyrinth 3

The Change

Archie. The one name that had a very bad impact on me. Archie is the most popular guy in school and one of the most dreamy too. Like all the teenage drama movies that we have watched in our lifetime, everyone like Archie. But he loved only one. Lily. Archie saw Lily when we were in eighth grade and it was love at first sight. I heard this as a rumour and was not that close with Lily that time. I also heard she rejected or just ignored I don’t know. I had my own drama with a guy liking me. I wasn’t interested and I made it clear. Archie changed his class to ours in ninth grade just for Lily. Understandable. He told the lamest reasons to the teachers and it was very funny looking at him deal with this. Nina was my best friend at that time. We did everything together. Nina couldn’t watch any English movies which I was fond of. So I used to tell her the story of my favourite ones which became a habit for us. There was some issue with the seating arrangement of the guys and the teacher changed their seats. Archie ended up being seated right next to me. My friend Nina was excited about it. She talks so much about him that I couldn’t ignore the fact that she liked him. She laughed at all the jokes he was making and it was very entertaining to see her be flustered. We were five seated in the last bench and due to some changes in the girls area, Nina and I was took turns in being seated in the first bench. On one fine day, I was just randomly arranging my things in the first bench and I happen to see Archie looking my way. He had also changed seats to his first row. I thought to myself that it was nothing. But staring can feel weird after ten straight minutes. Was I doing something wrong? Was my uniform weird or did I spill my lunch on my dress? I don’t know! And after a long train of overthinking, the teacher came in and everything went back to normal. I went home that day and couldn’t stop thinking about the slightest attention I got. He is in love with Lily! It was just something on his mind that he didn’t even notice he was staring at someone or someone was making fun of me! I didn’t know how to react to this! So I came up with my master plan. A horrible one really. But it sounded perfect at that time. My plan was, if he looked at me again next day, I’ll look straight at him and look behind me as if to check what he is looking at. Wow, what a plan. So the next day came and he was definitely looking at me again! I told myself, “ok Cassidy. Just casually look at him and then look behind yourself” I looked at him and he was still looking and then I casually turned behind. My plan was good. Would have worked in any other place. But I definitely made myself a clown by looking behind me when I was standing in front of a freaking wall. He realised how I horribly failed and smiled at me. I didn’t estimate how a little percentage of attention could change you. But boy that smile. I would do anything to feel that butterflies again.

Archie, you broke me.

[kitsunetheblogger]

The customized Labyrinth 2

The change of time

The years started to fast forward from sixth grade. I was one of those boring students who never did anything so epic. I went to school, I did homework, repeat. There was just a sprinkle of drama from Harriet but other than that, life was pretty much the parts they don’t highlight in a movie.

I went through many friendships. The ones that are around for a period of time but they just drift away. Lily was there. She wasn’t my best friend but she was there with her best friends who were now Harriet and Stacy. Stacy was second in command of our gang. I think Stacy tried to be that sassy person but she comes of as annoying. I thought being in a gang was the only way I have friends. But things change. There was a girl in my class who was a friend of mine but we didn’t talk after we broke into separate gangs. Susan was also good at getting grades and standing up for herself is something special about her that I took a long time to learn. She was having trouble with her hair and at that moment no one was there except for one more girl Nina who was trying but not very successful . They definitely needed help and I offered. Cue the girl drama. No one talked to me. Not even Lily. And all the girls were making fun of everything that I talked which sounds funny now but as a shy teen, it felt like a nightmare. The amount of toxicity was unimaginable. Vivian was the only one who talked to me from my gang. We talked to each other like spies from another country: Not making eye contact and making sure no one saw us. She told that me helping Susan was the reason no one talked. Maybe that’s the point where I started to grow up. Started to not try to fit in. Maybe if I had apologised to Harriet, I would have had an entirely different life. Maybe, I would have never looked at Archie. Maybe I would have changed my majors and may have been an entirely different person. Maybe, if I had apologised to Harry, I would have never become best friends with Lily. But I said I don’t care to Vivian. I said, I don’t care about gangs anymore and I would talk with anyone who will not care about gangs and be out of all the useless drama. That’s when I started to become close with Susan and Nina and that was the turning point.Maybe that innocent not so important situation is why I am who I am right now.

[kitsunetheblogger]

The customized labyrinth

The deal

We really don’t give much thought when we make life altering decisions. We really don’t understand its importance until the moment has passed.

The same happened in the first day of my sixth grade. As always, I was overthinking about how my brother told we would be treated differently since it is a new grade. I was also thinking why my best friend or my arch enemy (the title depended on the situation) had not arrived yet. Steve was never late to class. They were calling the names for attendance and they never called Steve. I was too proud to ask his other friends but I just assumed he went to another school.

How was I so calm and fine when I found my best friend won’t be there anymore is still a mystery. I was always like this. I never had so much emotion. I was always on a neutral with no emotion. But anger is another chapter. I cry when I get angry and go on with my life like nothing happened.

It was then I saw the new girl. She looked like a nice girl sitting at the last bench. I don’t know why but I wanted to know her name. So when the teacher asked for all our names, I listened very carefully when she said her name. Lily. I like Lily. But I never actually talked to her.

“Steve went to another school”, said Harry. Harry was the short of Harriet - the popular girl of our class. The reason why she was popular was because of her grades. She was always the first in the class which kind of made me jealous but I didn’t give it much thought. We had gangs we had girls who didn’t talk to each other. And I was one of Harry’s friends. Harry said she wanted Lily, the new girl to be in our gang. I don’t know why gangs made sense for me at that age but I was the first one to volunteer. I told her I can make her our friend.

We had our boring classes and scary teachers and then by the end of the day, we had our physical training. It was just us randomly playing or in today’s case, sitting in a straight line, separated by genders. Steve would have definitely loved this class. But I was fortunate enough that Lily and Me were of the same height. So when they made us sit by ascending height order, I was right after her. 

I don’t know how, an always shy human, scared to talk to even my dad, had the courage to introduce myself to Lily. “Hi, I’m Cassidy” I said. We introduced each other and we talked about her old school.

Lily was so sweet. She told about how she spent most of her life in hostels and this was the first time of many years she got to go to school from her home. 

I was so happy talking to her that I almost forgot I was talking to her sitting in sand on a windy day. And Lily did something. She tucked my hair behind my ear. She did it as if it was normal. As if this is something everyone does. But not for me. Not for someone who never had a proper friend. Yes there was Harry but she just wanted to have many friends compared to others. Then Steve, god knows where he is. But Lily was special. I knew she was. 

And I knew she was going to be my best friend. But little did I know that that exact moment would change my life completely. That exact moment would make me take drastic decisions that changed my course of life.

I knew Lily was going to be important in my life. But god I underestimated how much.

[kitsunetheblogger]

It’s time to go.

I’ve held on to the fading memories for too long. Exploring all the open ended situations, filling it up with all the scenarios I could think of, trying to make it complete. Hoping I could complete the untold story. Hoping I could finish the words we left unsaid. But all I’ve ended up with is disappointment. Not on you, I don’t know your whole story. But on myself. I may have known you for four years but I spent more than that, living in the past and forgetting my future.

[kitsunetheblogger]

Closure. My worst enemy.

I always go through this cycle every single time in my life. I would like a person. It can be a friend, a relative or anything. A living being. Sometimes it’s also a cat. I pour my heart out, I’ll have the best time with them. I would feel on top of the world, always smiling and always waking up happily because I get to meet them. Everything will be perfect and suddenly one day, they’d start avoiding me. They’d start to disappear from my life and they’ll be gone. Do I annoy people? Do I hurt them so much that they choose to just escape from me?

To my future friends/relatives/ cats or anyone I am lucky to meet, I’m not saying don’t leave me. All I am saying is give me a reason. Give me a closure.

Because I overthink. I would be hating myself and crying myself to sleep when I remember the people I missed. The people who got erased from my life.

Because when my best friend looked me in the eye and requested me to not tell anyone that she is my best friend and decided not to talk to me anymore, it broke me.

Because when my second attempt on a best friend who I loved so much and with whom I was so close together that people confused our names suddenly leaves me alone and becomes best friends with some others, trust me I’m not jealous. I felt like the loneliest person that ever existed.

Because when I meet a new team person, all I can think of is how hurt I’m gonna end up.

Because I hate myself for being so unlikeable. Being so bad that people just get bored of me in the middle. Because I feel like I’m always gonna feel so bad about myself that a camera gives me so much fear that my face is gonna be in a picture. Because I hate to see my reflection, my photo or anything that shows me because, I see a woman who feels so lonely and scared and helpless. A woman who just wanted someone who she can freely talk to. A woman who has muted herself because she overthinks about each and every word she says because she doesn’t want to lose anyone. But still ends up lonely and crying herself to sleep.

Did I mention that I miss my old self?

[kitsunetheblogger]

Life is not so beautiful. It’s hard. We think we have the worst day ever. But take any human in your eyesight and they’ll go on and on about how horrible their day was. This happens every single day. Everyone is affected by something that is happening in their life. Everyone wishes to be someone else. But how can we forget the little moments in our life where we think “wow life is beautiful’ for like .8 seconds but still.. it was a good .8 second though.

But how brave are we humans, to face the worst every time but still hope for the best. Hope that, the next day is going to be better. We gave life a poetic charm. We made life the most beautiful thing we have… we made life into something more than it. Maybe the meaning of life is us. We are the meaning. We are everything

[kitsunetheblogger]

You’re teleported to 44 BCE Rome in your everyday street clothes. You’re brought before Caesar and he believes you might be from the future, hoping to bring him fortune. One day he questions you, asking “How Do I Die?”

[kitsunetheblogger]

Fighting

So I am here, on tumblr without doing any actual job. But its okay. I am trying to like fight with myself or something. I feel bad and lonely. I feel anxious all the time and I just have like the lowest self confidence in the entire world.

But I am done with that. I am done with being silent about it. I am done with not having interest in anything. I am done with just sitting there unable to do anything. I want to be normal. I want to smile and love that things that I used to love. I want to be done with the grim mode and have sun shines and daises or whatever. I just want to be done with you know that grim parts in the movies that are so hard to watch. I want to get to that climax part where everything is solved and happy and with no grim things. 

So here is the challenge that I pose to myself.

I am going to post something every single day. It can be about anything and it will also include the process that I go through

Yes I know this can be done in a word file. But I am done with concerning about the judgements and criticisms. I want to do this.

And I will.

[kitsunetheblogger]

Thoughts

I get it. I get that life is not easy. No matter how hard you plan, how hard you work, you’ll always have surprises(not always pleasant though). But the thing is, that is what it makes it better. That is what makes it.... liveable.

I am going through depression and stuff and I have my highs and lows. I think I’m on the highs part now that I am actually writing something.

Am I procrastinating doing actual work by writing a blog? yes. Am I regretting it? of course. But I just wanted to clear my head once and for all.

Life is a complete mess of struggles and unhappiness and happiness and thoughts and mazes and what not.

I tried getting through it. I had my share of heart breaks, failures, unhappiness and hatred of thyself. It was gruesome(I am using was as if I am out of it). The thing is, its normal. I am not saying that you are making a big deal out of it. I am just saying that it’s okay that you are having a bad day. It is okay that you are having a mental breakdown. But never feel bad about yourself. I am not gonna say its okay to do THAT. That’s the worst thing that you are going to do in your entire life. Don’t make yourself feel bad about you. That’s that job of people around you.

Remember you are the only person who travels with you for your entire life. You are adjusting with your room mate when you go to college. You are adjusting with the people who sit next to you in public transport. You adjust with your siblings, neighbours, friends, family and the list goes on. But that list surprising does not contain your own name. Why? Why are you so hard on yourself? Why do you feel nonadjustable with yourself?

Yes you are overweight yes you are not as beautiful as your friend yes you are not as smart as your sibling. But IT IS OKAY. THIS IS YOU GIVE YOURSELF SOME TIME OFF. You can change your life. You can be whatever the hell you want. But all these steps start with only one thing. Loving yourself.

Learn to be with yourself

Learn to be yourself

Learn to love yourself

[kitsunetheblogger]

Find me

When the cold air had traces of the upcoming storm, when monsters roamed around, the little cub was lying in the white bedding of the snow, shivering in the wind, with hallucinations out of hunger and a beating heart straining ever single time

“Find me”, it cried but know one came but the monsters. There was no one but the cub itself.Trekking through the winds as cold as the heart of the monsters, every step sending shivers through its body, the cub fought through the snow and found a safe place.

At dear times, it was it’s own help

There are so much of people around trying to find help only to end up with monsters

Find yourself ❤️

[kitsunetheblogger]

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[kitsunetheblogger]

The white crayon

I am the white crayon wanting to be the blue one. The one that colours the sky. Or I could be the red one. The one that colours the cheeks of a girl who is shy. I could be green, making the entire world pleasant or I could be yellow colouring the nearest star called the sun. But I am the white one. The one that colours none. The one ‘just there’. The one filling up the space.

But who knew that someone would bring a black canvas and not get enough of the white crayon to colour the million stars in the sky and the waning moon, their beautiful reflection in the peaceful river. I was not needed by some but some needed just me. Just the white crayon to make their canvas less darker and more peaceful

Find your black canvas

[kitsunetheblogger]

Adventure

I thought adventure was to travel the world, jump from this mountain or chase a car or be a part of a heroic group but sooner I realised, it’s not the only adventure. Going through our normal daily life is an adventure! Doing this difficult essay at the last hour, running late to the class but still making it, even escaping from this chasing dog, everything is an adventure. Life is nothing but a series of adventure. You can live and enjoy every moment of it or complain. Because many don’t even have these adventure we have. Don’t survive, live💕

[kitsunetheblogger]

Is it just me or does anyone else think the past few days of the new year felt like months

[kitsunetheblogger]

Just in case

If anyone out there is having a bad day, remember, there is no power in the entire universe that could save you from the crisis except for you. Everything starts with you! Want a change, be the change! Nothing will ever stop happening if you don’t face it.

[kitsunetheblogger]

Book idea

Imagine if there is a planet far away from our galaxy which is full of books and the job of the entire inhabitants is to choose a book they really like the most.The books are the real life stories of people who are currently living now.It can be a story of a person from Earth or any other planet in any other galaxy.Once you choose a book you really like and if you think the main character needs help or something you can visit them but you have to search for that person in all galaxies with the clues in the book.Since you read their story you are visible only for them.Then one day a person from that planet comes to this girl who is torn down by struggling in life and is ready to die.This person comes to her and says that she is his inspiration and is feeling lucky to meet her. Then these two go on an adventure through her life which is the rest of the story where she discovers herself.