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kwonjaes · 3 years ago

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"hey.."

blue makes his presence known with a calm tone and jungjae must know it's him because he doesn't even budge to turn around and look. either that or he's given up caring who enters his bedroom. his back is turned to them as he's laid in bed, blankets only coming up to cover the middle of his waist as he lays unmoving against the mattress.

he looks so small.

"i thought i'd come by since i haven't heard from you in a while. you're not usually so quiet." blue tries for a more lighthearted approach, but still, nothing.

they take a look around the room, dark and as unwelcoming as the boy that's been residing within it. the only light coming through is from the bathroom not too far from his bed, the door left open and light on as if he'd been making frequent trips in there. though judging by the state of jungjae's hair and the sinking of the mattress, blue's not so sure.

it was weird to see him like this — so weird. the man who was usually so well-kept and groomed and never looked less than perfect, even when not trying, now looked like complete and total, well, shit.

"dahye wanted to come too but i wasn't sure if you wanted all that company, so.. it's just me."

a small fib. dahye didn't even know they were there right now. but blue thought it would be nice for him to hear that his presence was wanted by someone else too.

still, nothing. the air between them was beginning to feel a little awkward. exactly what blue was trying to avoid by filling the silence with random anythings. they took the silence as an opportunity to sit at the edge of jungjae's bed, making their way across a floor that was peppered with empty bottles of both alcohol and various medications. it's no wonder the man's manager was so worried about him — the sight of his floor alone was enough to send someone's thoughts spiraling into concern. blue assumed it was bad, it had to be considering everything.. but they didn't know it was this bad.

the closer they got to the other, the smaller they looked. a new defined frame greeted him and jungjae's once rounded cheeks were nowhere to be seen. it was clear he was eating just as much as he was getting out. a mental note is made to ask cari about it before they slip out.

they take a spot on the bed and the quiet that continues to blanket around them is almost deafening, so blue merely continues to observe the state of the other’s room. even this was so foreign to him.

"how is she?"

a frail voice finally speaks out and it's abruptness surprises blue, but they’re so relieved to hear it. no matter how broken it comes out. it's clear who he's asking about, and for a second, blues not sure at all what to say. they've got half a mind to lie, say she's doing okay and getting better as the days go by for the sake of jungjae's possible worries. however, it seems pointless. blue is reminded of the pain they’ve witnessed their best friend go through as well as the pain she's been doing her best to shield from the world, including them, and it only elicits a flicker of anger directed at the person who poses such a bold question.

"not good, man. she's... she's hurting, you know? you really fucking hurt her."

there's no response that follows from jungjae's lips, but blue doesn't miss the way his eyebrows flinch.

"why did you do that?" they ask, pressing further. "seriously, what happened? i mean, like, why did you do that shit? it doesn't make any sense, you were so... i thought the two of you really loved each other. i thought you really loved her."

this must have really gotten jungjae's attention, because suddenly he's turning around and finally looking at blue for the first time since they'd arrived.

"i did." though he quickly corrects himself, "i do. of course i love her. that's why i did it."

evident confusion only seeps deeper across blue's expression. "that's why you did it?" they repeat. "how the hell does that make any sense?"

"because.. i'm just... it's obvious i was just fucking everything up and it was only a matter of time before it all started fucking her up too."

"okay? you think this didn't fuck her up? dude, she was so crazy about you. how can you just throw all of that away for someone you hardly know? someone who doesn't give half the fuck about you that sooyeon did?"

now it was jungjae's turn to be taken aback.

"what?" he asks, brows thick and unkept furrowing above bloodshot eyes.

"you know what i'm talking about. mackenzie? how could you do that?"

jungjae's jaw clenches as he shakes his head. "no, that.. that wasn't what it looked like."

"uh, are you sure? because it looked like you just couldn't wait to get rid of sooyeon so you could sleep with her."

"what? no, i — blue, no, that's not what happened. that's not — does sooyeon think that?"

"what else would she think? what else would anyone think?"

"i didn't — mackenzie had nothing to do with this."

blue scoffs. "oh my god, are you seriously trying to save her ass right now?"

"no that's not.. that's not what i meant.." jungjae squeezes his eyes shut as he attempts to sit up, the minimal movement sending throbs of pain through his head. "i mean that's not why i broke up with her. i wasn't thinking about mackenzie? she just.. that was just something that happened."

"you're so full of shit—"

"i'm not lying."

"why did you do it then? why did you break up with sooyeon and then fucking go off with that girl only two weeks later? obviously you weren't that broken up by it."

"are you kidding? that's exactly why i did it. i know it sounds fucking stupid, i know it does and it is stupid, but it's the truth. that was just.. i felt fucking awful after sooyeon left. i didn't want her to go? do you know how hard it was to tell her to go?? i thought it would be better for her in the end if she left because of all of this shit i couldn't get away from.. and then she was gone and then i felt fucking miserable. all of that shit with mackenzie that was just me trying to distract myself. i was trying to forget about her for just one night and i just.. mackenzie was right there. i felt like i was going crazy and mackenzie was right there so.. —— but i didn't even do anything with her, i couldn't."

"you didn't do anything with her?"

"no — i mean.. we kissed but that was it. i swear."

"there was photos of you guys leaving together—"

"i know. i invited her over and.. and i was going to hook up with her but i couldn't. i didn't want to, i was just trying to convince myself i did. like i know it looks bad and i've been trying to explain it to sooyeon that nothing happened between me and her while we were still together. i didn't cheat on her.. i never even though about—"

"sooyeon doesn't think you cheated on her."

"she doesn't?" jungjae asks, features softening for a moment.

"no. just that you broke up with her so you could fuck her."

"oh my god no.. no that's not.. fuck, of course i didn't do that."

the other's voice suddenly goes hoarse again and his face disappears into the palm of his hand. blue stills as they merely watch, unsure if jungjae is crying or just rubbing at already irritated eyes.

after a good minute, they speak up again. "you really expect me to believe you invited her over to your house and then just.. did nothing. you just like, what.. hung out?"

"not even," the older boy answers, looking up again. "we kissed, yeah, but as soon as i realized i couldn't do it, she left. i swear. i felt so fucking sick the whole time but i was just.. so high and out of it i thought i could do it and that it would make me not try and go back to sooyeon but still.. even when i had someone else here all i could think about was her."

again, blue only stares. for some reason, they believe him. the way jungjae looked at them with so much desperation in his eyes to be believed, it was hard not to. sure, the story sounded a little all over the place, but nonetheless, they believed him.

"okay well, that’s good and all but you have to tell sooyeon that," they finally say.

jungjae lets out a hopeless sigh before falling back onto the mattress, his back once again turning to face blue. "i've been trying. she doesn't want to talk to me. i don't blame her.. — will you just.. tell her i didn't do any of what she thinks i did?"

"no," blue answers. then, they rise from the edge of the bed. "i'll let you be the one to tell her. she deserves to hear it from you, not someone else."

"but she won't—"

"so you try again. let her come to you when she's ready, then you tell her."

the room falls silent again and jungjae doesn't budge to look at blue again after that.

the younger wonders for a moment how much this could change. surely sooyeon would be relieved to find out they didn’t actually sleep together, but could she forgive him despite everything else? they want so badly to run and tell her everything. from the way mackenzie was rejected to the misleading tweet she posted to jungjae’s current state. they wanted to reveal it all, but they’ll keep their promise to jungjae.

"anyway, um, i guess i’ll go then. it was good to see you.” blue says, chewing at the inside of their bottom lip. “make sure you take care of yourself. seriously, eat something." they turn on their heel before heading towards the door, pausing once they reach it and giving one last look to the disheveled figure beneath the covers as well as the rest of the room. "don’t give up yet, alright? it may not seem like it right now but..”

they hesitate.

“i know she doesn’t want you to give up.”

#save: writing.

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kwonjaes · 3 years ago

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he’d made his own decision to walk off the stage that night and not get back on it until he could see again. til he could stand long enough on his feet without feeling like the whole world was tumbling over and that if he didn’t hold tightly onto the ground beneath him , he’d fall over and fall over and fall over and fall over.

however , the plan was to still return to the stage. finish the show and fix the fool he’d made of himself by focusing hard enough on his surroundings. when he normally got drunk like this , it wasn’t too hard to force himself to sober up at least a little bit in an effort to save face. he’d practiced doing so a million times already. but this wasn’t just alcohol running through his body and sending his mind into a panic. this was . . . fuck , what did he even take ?

whatever it was. it was too much and he should have known better. however , that was always kwon jungjae’s problem. he never knew when too much was too much. he’d just take and take until he started to feel better . . . and these days ? too much seemed to be the only way to get him there.

as he walks down the venue’s hall , avoiding the worried gaze of every crew member that witnessed slightly watered down levels to this behavior before , someone suddenly joins his side. thankfully so considering he’s not really sure where he’s headed or how much longer he can go on for. he doesn’t have to look to know who it is , the arm that slips around the back of jungjae’s waist in leading support is all too familiar and would fill the boy with burning guilt if he was able to feel anything other than anxiety and dizziness right now.

“ are you—— ”

“ i just need to sit down for a second , ” jungjae says , cutting him off. he then slows his own steps down just enough to let his manager lead the way to wherever he thought it was best to go. which apparently was back to his dressing room only right around the corner , so it appears jungjae did at least know where he was heading a little bit. as soon as they get in the room , the singer is freeing himself from the older man’s grasp and shoving the hands that urge to help him away. the sofa across the room seems so far but enough stumbles get him there just in time to fall onto it. finally , a second to breathe.

but it doesn’t last long , because as soon as he opens his eyes again and focuses them on the figure slowly unblurring before him , there’s that disappointed stare just hovering. his eyes give a roll before they close again . . . he thinks he can just avoid it this way.

“ jungjae. ” the voice is stern and clear from all gentleness offered only moments ago , but the person it calls out to doesn’t budge. so they try again , this time with a raise of their voice , and jungjae finally gives in. “ what ? it was an accident , alright ? i just got really lightheaded and i lost my balance and y’know . . . shit happens. ”

“ no , jungjae. this shit doesn’t just happen. you’re saying you just got dizzy and fell over ? from what ?? ”

“ what ? ”

“ i’m asking you what made you so dizzy. why did you get like that then ? ” but it’s clear by the look on the man’s face that he already knows the answer , that he already knows everything , and that pisses jungjae off.

“ if you already know then why are you asking ? you’re just pushing me .. ” he huffs.

“ i’m pushing you ? —— jungjae , do you have any idea what you just did ? do you realize the severity of this stunt you pulled on stage ? ”

“ is that all you care about ? ” jungjae slurs out as he forces himself to sit up. “ huh ? i don’t care what anyone thinks or says. fuck them , i don’t care. ”

the room’s tension slowly grows still as manager choi quiets , only looking down at jungjae with this look he can’t quite put his finger on. the older man knows this isn’t true at all — this facade the singer believes he wears with so much pride and confidence . . . he thinks no one sees through it. but the truth is , the longer he wears it , the more cracked it becomes.

“ no , jungjae. ” he finally speaks up again , that subtle tenderness returning to his voice. “ i don’t care about that. but i care about you. ”

jungjae looks up at him.

“ and this . . . all of this that you’re doing . . . it’s ruining you. and i don’t want to watch you go down like this. no matter how you feel about yourself , you don’t deserve to go down like this. ”

another pause passes through the room as if he’s waiting for jungjae to say something , anything , but nothing follows. not relating to what he’s just been told anyway . . .

“ is there water in here ? i’m thirsty. ” and with a slow nod , manager choi gestures to the corner of the room where a small mini fridge sits underneath a cabinet. jungjae nods back and makes his way over to it.

his phone is suddenly spotted underneath one of the pillows on the couch , left there from earlier when jungjae was getting ready for his show. there’s a soft glow against the pillow and as he leans in a little closer , manager choi can see sooyeon’s contact info lighting up across the screen. he looks over at jungjae whose only just now made it to the fridge and is beginning to shuffle through it , and with great hesitance , the man quickly swipes the device from the couch and declines the incoming call before stuffing it into the pocket of his jacket. that will only make things worse for him right now , he thinks.

his manager straightens himself out , watching as jungjae makes his way back over to him with a bottle of water in hand that’s already nearly finished.

“ so . . . what do you want to do ? i think for tonight we should just head back to the hotel. ” he suggests. “ just rest and wait a bit to see what everyone’s saying. i’ll have people look into it and we’ll release a big statement about the rest of the tour being cancelled, but for now, let’s just—”

“ wait , cancel the tour ? what are you talking about — i’m not cancelling the rest of the tour. ” jungjae looks at the other man like this was the most absurd idea to ever leave his mouth and to him ? it was.

“ yes we are. you can’t keep going right now , jungjae. we’re going to take this one step at a time and we’re going to — ”

but the singer isn’t approving a single thing being said to him , head shaking along to every word and taking a step forward. “ are you fucking insane ? i’ve put too much into this tour and i’m hardly even halfway done , i can’t just quit ! ”

“ you have put a lot into this tour and look how easily you’ve been throwing it all away. you’re not taking any of this seriously. how do you expect me to just let you keep going ? ”

“ because this is my tour and i’m . . i’m telling you that i’m going to keep going ! i’m . . sick and tired of you and everyone else telling me i can’t do it ! ”

“ jungjae , listen to yourself. you can hardly get your words out right now. you’re just getting frustrated and yelling and this isn’t going to fix anything. you need to calm down. ” his manager pulls out his own phone and begins to make a call , a few push of the buttons before it’s raised to his ear.

“ what are you . . who are you calling ? ” jungjae asks.

“ i’m getting your car ready and you’re going back to your hotel. get your things together. ”

“ no — fuck you , no. stop talking to me like that ! like i’m your fucking kid , i’m not your kid ! i can do this on my own. i can do all of this by myself ! ”

then , jungjae starts around the room like he’s searching for something , groaning rather dramatically as he hears manager choi makes arrangements for him on the phone. but he’s growing so frustrated and there’s something building up in his throat that he has to keep reminding himself to push down. he wants to cry , he’s so frustrated. “ fuck this , fuck everything. ” he says to himself as he picks up some empty plastic box that he decides is in his way and throws it across the room. “ where the hell is my . . my phone . . ”

this time a book , probably belonging to a crew member , picked up and chunked at the wall behind him in anger. his head just feels too hot and everything that’s not what he’s looking for is too much in his way and making him even more upset. why was it so fucking hot in there ?

“ the car is just right around the corner so let’s . . jungjae , stop. ” his manager calls out as the singer kicks the bottom of the chair with his foot hard enough to knock it over. “ look at me — hey , calm down —— jungjae ! —— LOOK AT ME ! ” manager choi raises his voice in a way that does demand the boy to still in his movements and look at him. god , he’s so frustrated. his chest raises and falls quickly , one shaking breath after the other like he’s having trouble trying to steady it , but he’s looking at him.

“ please , ” the manager tries again , calming himself as he walks over to where jungjae stands and takes whatever he has out his hand out before it too is chunked across the room. “ please. let’s just go back to the hotel . . . we will talk about this tomorrow when you’re not like this . . . okay ? ”

the man has no idea what the younger’s next move is. by the looks of him and the way he allowed him to take the object from him , it looked a little more hopeful than the last few minutes did. jungjae drops his gaze once more , looking around the area at the pitiful mess he’s made. he doesn’t realize it yet , that this is the worst he’s ever been and the most insufferable he’s ever acted while drinking , but he will.

“ can i . . . can i at least just . . . finish the rest of this leg ? ” he asks , whispered words still made out into a slur beneath his breath.

“ tomorrow okay ? ” the man assures him. because he knows if he tells him the real answer , that if he tells jungjae no , that it will only lead to another drunken fit. “ we’ll talk about it tomorrow. ”

jungjae nods and a quiet sniffle can be heard between the break of their words. “ have you um . . . do you know where my phone is ? that’s what i was looking for . . . i was just trying to . . i was just trying to find my phone. ”

his manager hesitates , half a mind to reach into his pocket and hand it right over. however , he still knows it’s best to get the boy where he wants him first. he’s so close and he knows he has to be careful because when he’s like this . . . it’s far too easy for jungjae to slip away.

“ it was brought to the car earlier. if it’s not in there then it’s with your other things at the hotel already. ”

the singer gives another faint nod before looking around the room again , this time for a change of clothes . . at least a hoodie or something he can switch out with this heavy stage jacket that he feels like he’s currently being swallowed in. thankfully , the one he wore in is spotted hanging off the back of the makeup chair and he’s slow to change into it , but it’s almost an instant relief to rid himself of the coat drenched in his own sweat. “ parked in the back right ? — i can make it on my own. don’t worry , i won’t wander off. ”

and with that , he makes his exit , the door of the dressing room shut tight behind him.

hopefully they haven’t raided his hotel room and taken away the booze just yet. if he wants to even make it to tomorrow , he’ll need it.

#save: writing.

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