lazyturtleloss-blog

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Character spends 24 hours

In the cold winter morning with crisp air and fallen snow on the ground outside, i await my meet up with this person i needed to meet. My friends recommended him to me because he can show you things you would not realize until you are with him. I looked at the clock; it’s 11:30. Great, i hate the cold temperatures that is coming inside kennedy station. But i am fine with it, after all shelter is better than no shelter. A bus arrived fifteen minutes later. A person got off the bus and something about him screamed “he’s the one i’m supposed to meet with.”. As he came closer, i got more nervous. Heart beating, hands shaking, adrenaline rush. Finally he says “Hey are you… Rebecca?” I replied loudly “Yes! I am Rebecca!”. He was moved by the way i replied “whoa okay there young woman you sound excited to what i have to offer. We should head to downtown before it gets late. You ready?” i could not help but feel embarrassed at what i have yelled and quietly replied “yes”. We entered a train quickly because that one was ready to leave the station. When we finally got a seat together, he felt coughed to get my attention. “Well pardon me for not introducing myself. My name is Josh Veyra. Your friends were texting me about how you needed help, and you sounded nice and all and gave me today as a date with you. Not really a date but some time to give myself to know what you like and how your life is. Hopefully i can make you realize some stuff along the way.”. I liked the way he presented himself. Sophisticated yet easy to read. I replied “No problem Josh. My name is Rebecca White. I’m glad that my friends were able to bring me and you together. It’s not usual that i get to go out and not know where i’m going. It’s exciting.”. I look outside the train. Ice covered metals, snow covered houses and buildings, Sun rays hitting us and the snow was something i dreamt about when described in a book i would read. The train stops at a station, called Bloor-Yonge, and Josh calls me to leave. We head out of the station. And behold, we’re at the core of downtown. Its vibrant colours and modern look makes you feel rich. We head towards a restaurant around the area and to be honest, i was pretty hungry. We headed into it and just by the smell, i can tell it’s korean bbq. We sat down and i felt so warm and refreshed to talk. We got to food and got to talking. He talked with food in his mouth “So what is going on in your life? It sounded complicated when i was texting your friends. It’s a pain in the ass to deal with a lot of shit in your life i know it. I’ve experienced it too.” I thought it was impressive that he could ask me questions yet chew on his food. Pretty gross though. I said “Well there is so much stuff that happened in my life. I’m glad that i was brought up with such a good family and they took care of me well. I lived my life well when i was a child i hoped so much things would happen to me in the future. A good boyfriend, a happy job, freedom with a sense of time. These would have been my favourite things in my life if they were to happen and not what happened in my life right now.”. An hour has passed by since we entered and when i said that to him we ate quietly. I felt like he knew what i was saying. Josh asked for the bill, paid for it, and we left. As we were walking the streets he whispered “you know, you should drop your friends and not go for those people anymore.” I was confused, “What do you mean? They have always got my back.”. He replied quickly “That’s not what they sounded like. They sounded like they wanted to get rid of you.”. I get angry “That isn’t them then! They know me better than anyone!”. Josh is calm and sighs “I know you don’t believe me, but they are different to you than most people. Do you remember them being strange with you?”. Then it hit me. He was right. I was about to breakdown. I quietly said “Damn i’m so stupid. I always said that. I thought they could have my back because they opened up to me. I’ve always been self conscious about myself and i can’t control myself. I’m scared.”. Josh looked at me. Damn, like he knew what betrayal felt like. He then tells me  “We’re here” and we enter this cafe. This is a good place i like it. Josh tells me to order anything i want and i got happy. I looked at the menu and i decide to order a simple chocolate cake with coffee and he just ordered tea. We found a seat for only two people. We then discussed what i want in the future. I tell him i want everything to be the opposite of what i have right now. He tells me i can, but you have to change to the person you want to be. I tell him “That is impossible i don’t know how to change myself. Everything i have i learned and everything i learned was to help me pass by life.”. He says confidently “if you want to work, then work. Because every dream moves. If you want to change, then change. Because you are not a constant, time is. We should leave now. Time passes by quick.”. Those words hit me. I didn’t think about life like that up until now. I followed him to the station. The snow fell slowly and quietly. We boarded the train back to kennedy station. As we leave to go on our buses i hugged him and told him “Thank you for today. I would not be able to understand things i couldn’t see until i met you.”. Josh said “no problem”, smiled, and left. I was thankful for today. Thankful for the friends that got me to be with him. I was thankful. I got on the bus, and left home and finished spending the day reflecting my life.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Advice for my character

At the end of the day, spending all of my time with my character for one day, i would like to give her a little advice. One is to love yourself. I knew you lost yourself once i took a look at your eyes. Manipulation is difficult, especially if you’ve been dealing with it for quite a while and you cannot differentiate between a helping hand and a scalding hand. You need to take care of yourself first. You can’t give others love if you cannot even love yourself because you need to know what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy. Once you differentiate those, you can offer others happiness without even trying. From the way you were acting when we were with each other, to what you wanted to tell me about your life, you try your best to help others and make other people happy, but never leave a relationship no matter how acidic it is. You know what position you are in, you know how hard it is for you to survive, but there is a difference between living and surviving. You live in a world where living is the standard. Not surviving. Choose who you want to be with and who you consider is worth your time, because in this world, it’s better to keep a person who motivates you versus person who brings you down faster than a bullet. If you are better off being alone and spending time with yourself than hang out with the people you are with without a single thought, it’s better to stay away and work on yourself than attempt to even have a friendly conversation with the people you are with. Please take care of yourself okay? You are an important person. Do not forget that.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Object in first person (CD)

Cuts on your dresser

Burns on your table

Scratches on your walls

Drowned in bottles of alcohol

Rage induced fists

Lovesick feelings

Staring at the ceiling

Heart aches persists

Heart racing

Body aching

Sexual Tension

Mood changes

I have been with you when you had all of these.

You and i agree

These memories were the past

But they say good things don’t last.

First time you invited a girl into the house

First time you had your own room

Last time i’ll be tuned in your life

Last time this room will feel full

Remember when you first got me?

You played your favourite songs

Sang along

Enjoyed my company

The clock strikes five

One more hour and it becomes six

One more hour to feel alive

Before our time ends

The shine of the sun

The dust particles that hit me

The wake of movement

I always hated that

But you always took care of me

I was cleaned

I was appreciated

I didn’t mind i was just an old record

Because you always wanted my help

I couldn’t tell you anything

But i offered you songs to listen to

Although i said nothing

You always thanked me for being there

I lost fifteen minutes with you

But that’s okay

Reminiscing about the past

Is what “oldies” are for

I still felt pains when you were young

Scratchin me up

Dropping me on purpose

Misplacing me

But whenever i was played by you,

That child smile of yours

Your pumped up energy

You got me spinning in circles

If i could move back in time

Just like when you go back to your favourite track

I would want to

And let that moment last

You grew up to be a fine kid

You took care of me

You cared about family

I’m happy i got to see you grow up

I lost another fifteen minutes

It’s so funny how much

This hurts and how

The next memory was when you were fifteen

Some say there isn’t enough time

In 24 hours

As you were a child i never believed that

Up until this moment where

Thirty minutes felt like thirty seconds.

Your first crush. Age fifteen and you just got back from summer vacation and saw this pretty girl in your school. Couple days you start talking to her and you felt a spark. You mustered up strength to go ask for her number. And she gave it. That day you kept playing R&B songs throughout the afternoon. “Ohhhh! Why are you so beautiful? i can’t approach but i kept coming back.” Was what you kept singing through the night and you were so passionate about it. I kept cheering you on since you were a go getter. I was rooting for you.

The next day was also your first heartbreak. You did a good job kid, you confessed your feelings for her. But the spark didn’t reach her and she just wasn’t ready. I’m sorry you had to experience that and your emotions were running wild but you felt empty. How did i know that? You kept playing R&B all night and stayed silent, looking up at the ceiling. Must have been hard eh? But it’s alright. After that, you developed new feelings for other girls. You were good to them. You treated them right, you would invite them for me to see, you held them with embrace. They didn’t last for different reasons but none of them were your fault. I wish i could be with you for the rest of your life like i was there when you were in high school. But like what you said “i need to leave my past behind, in order for me to move forward.”.

The big hand hits ten minutes before six

It’s enough for two songs for me to play to you

Your two favourite songs up to date

Before fate rips us apart

You grew up faster than i could have expected

Your age is twenty-one

You make me reminisce

That this isn’t bliss

The tears you left on the case

The last song diminishing in your ear

The last minute to spare

The last time we ever see each other

This is goodbye

Dear friend.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Advice needed (for a boxer/teen)

Breathe in,

Breath out

You gotta get through this. You’re fading into unconsciousness.

Breathe in,

Breathe out

You’re panicking, keep listening.

Breathe in,

Breathe out

Okay i got your attention. Listen to me and listen to me closely, i barely got you to focus and see what is at stake. Stop panicking and keep yourself focused on me, not yourself or the situation you are in.

Breathe in,

Breathe out

You’re tired. You’re stressed. You’re scared i know that. Losing yourself all because of something you are worried and frightened about is not going to be easy. But this is the factor that splits between your growth as a person or becoming weak as a person.

Breathe in,

Breathe out

You can’t just push this away. You can’t hide your feelings. Running away from this problem is going to make everything worse. Fear is created by your emotions. I know you say you are “heartless” or “emotionless” but get real, you’re not a sociopath or psychopath and if you were you wouldn’t be able to have fears

Breath in,

Breathe out

We, as humans, have only two fears: Falling and Loud Noises. Falling because our bodies are used to having our two feet on the ground and loud noises because we our bodies think it’s an immediate threat. The rest, are caused by people and environment. Society has a value of passionately making everything negative important. Quite frankly, you fell into the pit of negativity and came out with fears of the real world and what it has to give you.

Breathe in,

Breathe out

So what fears do you have? The fear of failing? The fear of falling behind? The fear of success? By the situation you’re in, you fear all three of these. I don’t blame you. You successfully followed everybody’s expectation of you. Isn’t that boring? You fear the future but never know how to create your own path to get there. You decide to create your future using someone’s life as a blueprint so you would not disappoint your parents. We fear being regarded as a dumbass but never questioned why. We are deaf when we listen to criticism given and blinded by the mistakes we made, that’s why we fear the change and growth of us being who we are. We don’t want to be regarded as failures or dolts. We only want to be regarded as intelligent and perfect because it sounds nice to us. But i would rather be called a dolt as an adult and realize my strengths and purpose, learning from my mistakes and criticism, than living like a child in my adulthood, worried about my failures and never growing up away from always being right.

Breathe in,

Breathe out

Why do you have fear? Did you quit? Did you die in the inside? Have you lost confidence in yourself? If you answered yes to one of these questions, why did you continue? Did you gain trust issues? Did you lose dignity when you had to half ass everything, kiss up to everyone and faked yourself as a person up until now? All these questions but not one of them mattered. Like the answers you thought in your head. The real question is: Have you ever pushed yourself to become the best person you have ever seen yourself as? Learning from your mistakes of your past and your abilities in the present will push you forward for greatness and it all starts from here. Fear can’t lead you on for the rest of your life if your life doesn't revolved around that fear.

Breathe in,

Breathe out

Did you get some air?

Breathe in,

Breathe out

Alright, this is your fight and you can finally win. Against your opponent and your fears.

Goodluck champ.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Dialogue

Craig and Ben

C: yo have you hear?

B: about what?

C: About the new transfer student! Yo she's banging like a shotgun!

B: SAY ALL HONESTY

C: All honesty!

B: no way! Girls are a rarity up here in this neighbourhood.

C: right?! No she just moved here from America. Words on the block where she just moved in is that she's part Spanish and part Asian.

B: yo that combination just hit me in my feelings. I might have to hit her up.

C: yeah that a good idea. But no one here can beat Sabrina. UGH! She can have my children.

B: nah between me and her and our history, I can never like that girl.

C: ah whatever bro. Class is starting.

Teacher: alright class! We have a new student joining us this year. Please give a warm welcome to Dianna!

Dianna: thanks for the appreciation. I hope I can make new friends with all of you

B: GIRL IF YOU DON'T GET OVER HERE AND SIT BESIDE ME.

C: YO YOU SAID THAT OUT LOUD NOT IN YOUR HEAD YOU IDIOT.

B: oh shit I'm sorry uhhhhhh I'd appreciate it if you sat beside me Dianna

Dianna: well that was a big surprise for me to get yelled to sit beside someone but I'll appreciate it. Thank you uhhh

B: BEN BEN the names Ben

C:real smooth bro

Dianna: well thank you Ben

B: No problem

B: Hey I hope we can be close friends

Dianna: yeah I hope so too. I need friends here

C: Hey if you need someone to have your back I'm the man. The name's Craig

Dianna: thanks Craig

Dianna: well lets do this

B: Alright try not to fail

C: that's my game plan

Dianna: don't worry this is light I got you guys

B: aye

C: aye lemme smash

C: I'm playing don't kill me

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Communication without talking

Jake and Paul

Jake and Paul enter math class

Both see a paper on their desk

Jake runs to his desk

Paul casually walks to his desk

Jake smiles confidently and throws it in the air

Paul stares at the paper he's given

Paul crumples the paper

Paul gets upset and punches the wall

Jake laughs at his face

Jake pushes the test to Paul's face and sticks his tongue out

Paul's face turns red with anger

Paul's turns his hand into a fist and grips tightly.

Jake shoves the bird into Paul's face acting all cocky

Paul pushes jake away

Jake feels himself

Paul makes him feel what a fist feels like

Jake is knocked out

Paul walks out of class shoving the middle finger into everyone's face, especially the teacher.

Paul leaves the school.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Colour piece

Fiery flames filled my eyes

With anger, was it time?

With heat consuming my body

Betrayal, that was her crime

Her ice cold eyes

Her agressive nature

I knew I was going to sink

I’m going to hit a glacier 

But I knew what I had to do

Flames of desire can’t control me

Her reasoning can’t sway me

Her red lips can’t entice me

But with every gaze I look

She looked innocent 

with a bench and a book 

blue black darkness fills my heart

I wish it didn’t have to be like this 

This isn’t Disney 

we were fire and ice 

Not Mickey and Minnie  

Black and white times

Misery and happiness

I have to get through this

I’m not with the sadness

So I broke up with her

So quick and so fast

She was tearing up

She wanted it to last.

I have to act fearless

My heart was in rage

I felt blue

But the only colours I saw

Were a bleak white Christmas.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Courage

What does courage mean to me? Courage means many things for me personally. Society views courage as doing something everyone expects someone to do. That's why people watch from the sidelines while two people beat each other up. Because they expect someone to do something. But no one is going to do something. That's why in society you are courageous, because you came in to everyone's expectation, to stop the fight. Courage doesn't mean doing the expectations everyone perceives in a public place. Courage doesn't have to be seen by the public. Courage isn't about being accepted by society. Courage can't exist without sacrifices. Courage to me means action. Now action is not everything. But as they say: “Actions speak louder than Words.” Every action has its consequences. Like word you say can be pinned on you. The action however, has a bigger toll on you than your words because you’re at fault for failing at your action than your words. People also remember scenes than words coming from you. Courage means acting like yourself. When close friends know what you are about to do, whether you act or not, as long as they are confident in what you are about to do then you are courageous. Stepping up to the paint and doing actions that are right to you and stepping out of your comfort zone is courageous. People dictate what is right and what is wrong from people who are not even involved in helping the situation. They just make the situation worse. They make the situation worse because they are an extra pair of eyes to stare and judge your every move, even making fun of what you will do because they can laugh at the sideline while you are up to take the centre stage in helping the situation. While yes the human instinct is to be accepted by society, people do not matter enough to be recognized as you should for your own consciousness since you are the one that dictates your own actions not others. Even before the actions you do, people will judge you, and people have no limits of judging you. From the way you look to the way you act, people ruthlessly go at you inside their mind or whispering to others. But do not fear you are better than them, because they have been waiting there creating a circle around the problem doing nothing and watching while you are able to do some quick thinking and get into the situation to end it once and for all. Stepping out of your comfort zone is seen as “obscure” and “dangerous”. What makes our bodies tick and our minds motivated is our eagerness to risk it all and make ourselves better by experience. If you do not leave your comfort zone, how will you learn? You would need courage to step out of the comfort zone, and more courage to act on the words you tell yourself. For these reasons, i think courage means action.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Crystal Ball

What I hoped to see In A Crystal ball would have to be me living in a small residential area away from the city. With a to die for view of nature with a small pond. The house that I would imagine me in was a modern house with sleek black exterior of the house and a pristine garage. The inside of the house and kitchen bring in a sophisticated look inside the house almost as if it was business with nice wooden boards and controllable lighting. 3 bedroom house with a nice basement, each with a bathroom. I drive a Audi R8 in the colour black with a Lexus LFA just in the side of my garage just in case I want to drive in a nice sleek car or because I'm going to a special occasion. I work at a high end chemistry lab just in the city and make 6 figures past 250 thousand. Do a lot of business in the city and deal with finding and making new elements and technology. Knowing me, I always need a backup just in case money is getting short or I just need security I go in the stock market exchange game. Deal with them and buy/sell stocks and rack up money to put it in my bank account towards saving for future uses. Once I'm done that, I take a long drive to different restaurants, live life to the fullest, and I will always go back to a warm and cosy home that I love and enjoy to be in so much, take a seat, drink some whiskey, get changed, look at my life and be glad to be living this life, then sleep with my beautiful wife. What I hope to see in the crystal ball is a new world. Where old laws were now updated and the past failures of the world had finally been dealt with. Where walking in the park at night didn't mean fear, but time to reflect on your life. Being safe. Where corruption was gone with the wind. Where rule and mercy met with each other. Where technology wasn't used that much but modern technology was used at its finest. Every child had a childhood. Not one made in the eyes of technology. Where people actually respected their bodies, not destroy them because they were “lazy” or “tired” to help themselves. If they couldn't help themselves then they can't help other people or last long in life. In life it's already hard to survive now you got to play life like a game and when you do, the only way you should play it is to always level up higher and higher until you're in a comfortable position to stay on that level because the higher you go, the more you get corrupt you get and then you lose your humanity to money. In the future I hope to see people in sync with one another. Where crimes were seen as a loser thing to do because you couldn't buy with the money you had so you stole money from the people trying to sell you the shoe

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Black/White

Coming out of the dark and seeing a light But a light never came. It feels like midnight From scares to fear I don't want to fall into peril All I can do is dress with some makeup and new apparel Coming out of the dark and seeing a light Life is hard. The future gives me fright Am I alone? Am I alright? It seems that the only thing clear is my sight Only white. With fear for my life. Coming out of the dark and seeing the light But a black light is the only light that reveals what can't be seen A shadow that can finally be seen by the age of thirteen. From fake people, friends and anything in between They will walk through the neighbourhood in Halloween

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

3 stories one title 

I was chilling with my friends when this one girl comes up to me. Her name was Julianne or something. And she led me to a secluded area in the school that I didn't even know of. I felt awkward. I didn't know what to say. I was alone with this girl and she got something to say. Then I asked "what's up? Why'd you drag me here?". I haven't noticed, but this girl was banging like damn she got them good genetics! Body right, nice scent, pretty face it just didn't make sense. She came closer. So close her breasts started to hit my chest. THEY WERE SO SOFT DAMN IF I LAYED ON THEM I WOULD SLEEP. She got close and said "I'm going to make you mine." Knowing me, you can't get me on lockdown I will find a way to get out of the jail cell you call "lockdown". I was pretty upset saying "nah no way you can lock me down. You know how much girls I've dealt with? You're nothing special." She was shocked. But one of those hand to the chest shocked but she was still smiling. Shit that was hot. And that was one weakness of mine. Turning the tables on me. "You know you're real cute when you're trying to be all tough. You're really strange but I can get addictive by just your attitude. I'll have fun with you. But to this day, you're mine. okay?" Damn this girl is dangerous. Then Julianne left. But I'm trying to get at her. Okay. Let's play this game then shorty. 

After a week has passed I started to feel some type of way. I don't like these emotions I'm feeling. I'm overthinking. I never overthink. Especially for a girl. Not after what happened between my grade 10 crush. Damn was she beautiful. Eyes of fall. Body of a fit lioness. Her sweet scent of lust. Her intelligence of a professor. Damn was she dangerous. I shouldn't of fell for her. I was a mouse in her puzzle. I should've escaped. Because every time she moved the puzzle, she would watch me fail. I didn't like it and it made me feel like a puzzle piece I could be disposed of. I wouldn't say this if it wasn't for the truth. I was shown the truth one day when me and her were chilling with my friends. She was awkward with all of them. But all of them were laughing. It didn't make sense until my boys brought me to the side, leaving her alone. The words I could hear but I didn't believe in were "haha fam don't you know that girl fucked with all of us? I can't believe you brought her with us. Oh you have a crush on her? Oh shit. Don't worry fam we can save you if you need to be saved. Just holler." Damn I didn't believe it. It hurts the most knowing the most beautiful girl was like wifi; she connected with what's in our pockets. My friends, my very close friends told me all about how they got bare shit from her from donuts to money. I realized, she used me to give it to my friends. I'd rather give it to them than her to use me just to give it to them. Fuck this. Fuck this attempt with girls. I'm not being used. She used me. I'm not a person to use. Just fuck girls and leave. At least we got both something off our shoulders. I'm done. Girls aren't trustworthy. I came back to my senses and realized my boys got my back. I tell them "alright I'm dropping this girl. She used me just to give you guys gifts I can just do that. You guys in?" "Hah you know it let's do it!" We came back to her. I said we needed to go. She said alright and we left. We were at the train station. She had to go one train me and my friends on another. Then once we're waiting for the train and me and my "crush" both see our trains coming I hit her with "hey you know what's the difference between our trains?" She asked "what?" "One train's going home another is going to another mans house get trained on, you hoe." my boys hyped it up coming with "next stop nut hill!" "That's the only train you don't need to pay for!" And "the only way of stopping that train of yours is a condom!" And we left. Shit but on the inside, I wanted her. A lot. But she used me. You can't be with users and abusers. Because by the time it was grade 11, every guy knows her as being an easy A. Fuck it I need my emotions gone. But now, I’m just chilling in bed thinking about Julianne. Damn that girl is smart. She’s making me think. Making me feel wanted. Alright you know what I’m going to break curfew and I can’t leave home through the front and back door. I pulled up my window and I can land it. If I don’t miss the table. I started to change. I was wearing a Levi’s blue jeans, a belt, got my Nike borough mids hitting the ground as he walks, shit hopefully it wasn’t loud. I had a white shirt underneath my Levi’s sweater, and with a black adidas hat. I looked shady but whatever I gotta go meet her. I called my friend to ask where she was. He replied with “she’s hooking up with some guys up at the beach.” The beach? What is she doing there? “Why what’s up fam? Got some situation with her? She’s dangerous you know?” I answered with “I know. Respects fam. Link up with me at the beach?” He answered with “alright I got you. I’ll bring the car so I can go home quickly. I shouldn’t even be out right now.” “Yeah I know. Thanks let me ride with you after.” I hang up. I run to the bus. And the bus ride there made me think of what I’m doing there. Well I still have a feeling that she is needed. Whatever let’s go see. I link up with my friend and we walk to where she was last seen. What I’ve seen was heartbreaking. Damn just like last time. But this time, it wasn’t my friends telling me what they’ve done, she was showing what she’s done. She wasn’t banging my friends, no. She was banging men 5+ years older than I was. I was 18. And it was in public. My body didn’t move. I was too shocked to move. I waited 3 minutes until my boy brought me back by yelling “AYO JACE WAKE UP WTF ARE YOU DOING?!” I snapped out of it. I woke up. That loud sound also startled Julianne. She looked scared. “Jace…..” the guys that were banging her asked “yo you know this dude?” She stayed silent. I just looked at her, Ashamed. Why did I stay? Why did I think. “Fuck Jace I didn’t want you to see me like-” “so this is what you mean when you said you wanted to make me mine.” “No Jace that’s not-” “so you put me on the side so you can have someone there. But not think about me even once.” She started tearing up and trying to hide her naked body. The guys that were banging her started putting their pants back on. “Heh we’re leaving. Have fun with that boy toy of yours.” Julianne yelled “he isn’t my boy toy!” But those words didn’t hide the words “boy toy”. Was I just a boy toy? A game to a girl that almost made me feel emotions for a girl again? I couldn’t understand. I didn’t want to understand, it just hurts my heart. I just stared. Stared at a girl I wanted. A girl that was beautiful. A girl that made me think. It was a waste of my memory and thinking. I was mad. At her. At myself. At my emotions. The only words that could come out was “I shouldn’t have believed in you.” Those words hurt. To me, because those were the only words I can muster up. And to her, because I saw it made her body quiver. And she just got dressed. “Jace please don’t say that…” I turned around. “I shouldn’t have came. I shouldn’t have stayed. I already experienced this. After all, something like this happened to me.” Julianne grabbed my arm. “Who did this to you before?” I yelled “don’t worry about it! You’re going to be the second one who does it and you’re just going to be the past! Fuck it whatever. I shouldn’t have came. Have fun with your life. You heartless woman.” Then I dashed her arm away from me. My friend comes and says “should we get revenge?” I say quietly “nah just leave her alone. She’s not worth it like my grade 10 crush.” “Goodbye Julianne.” Me and my friend left her all alone at the beach. We drove off. I was the the front seat contemplating about life. My friend was acting like an asshole and played drake “marvins room”. “Imma kill you fam!” And he just laughed harder. 

A few years later I got off the bus. I was walking to work. As I walked past a former crush across an intersection I sensed a cry that made even a grown man would have felt hurt. I moved closer to the sounds. It was coming from a cemetery. The sleek grey of the skies, the tear felt cries from the clouds. I knew today someone lost a person important to them. The afternoon rush hour made the environment so noisy but I couldn’t hear them because my focus were the time and the cries. As I walked closer to the sound of the cries I was sacrificing my shoes to the dirt for the heart felt cries. But it didn’t matter. As I approached closer, it was an old man and a young woman who I guessed was his helper. That didn’t make sense. Because there was no burials today. As I walked closer to them, I got to see what he looked like. He was fragile, was getting a bald spot on his head, and was wearing a robe to keep him warm. Then, I was approached by his helper. She asked “do you know of Mr. Thompson sir?” “No I don’t but I heard his cries and it pained me.” “Ah I see. Well… the reason you might be feeling a lot of emotion is because Mr. Thompson has Alzheimer’s. He forgets about everything at one point. He doesn’t remember anyone. Except for his wife.” As I looked at the gravestone,there were a lot of roses. it read “Mary Beth Ashley Thompson 1952-2003” “she’s been dead for so long. But Mr. Thompson will always remember her touch and kisses like it was yesterday. He even remembers the day when she was buried. But Mr Thompson’s happiness lies with this woman. So everyday she brings her a rose. Because a rose to him symbolizes love. And a rose is beautiful isn’t it? She loved roses. So he appreciates every single thing about her. Too bad she didn’t live long enough for him to leave happily. I appreciate you coming here sir. He needs some time with people.” And with that, I walk away. And walked towards my home. I’ll take my day off today. Realizing every step I take couldn’t be worse than not having the one you love walk across the intersection into heaven, leaving you behind to deal with life all alone. But what do I know? My experiences with love ended with tragedy. But for that old man, it broke him. I hope I never feel that way. But that isn’t what life has to offer and I'll lose someone important. Just like those times I was close to love but fell into the ditch of relationship fails. This is how emotions are so dangerous, they make us do things we don’t expect even ourselves to do. To go against our words, to forgive someone we shouldn’t, in the end of the day, it was just like a gravestone. Left and forgotten. Unless the ones we love are able to show us they appreciate what we’ve done for them and offer us their time. At this time, the rain didn't feel cold, it felt warm. I felt glad, because the rain felt like an ending, like a new beginning, it covered my tears like sweat. I could finally see my life flash before my eyes. Like a beam of light coming towards me. 

Then it hit me

Blood filled my brain

Will someone remember me like the man’s wife?

I hope so

I really do.

Everything hurts

But the rain was cooling

Was I going to be missed?

The noises

They’re getting quiet

My sight

Fading to black 

My heart

losing rhythm

I guess this was what I wished for

Not to feel emotions

Not to feel anything

Was it worth it?

I don’t know.

I can’t say 

because I was feeling the light

the light of the end of the tunnel 

I was going to be left and forgotten,

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Hey

Hello It's been a while, It's been too long since we first met We've been going our separate ways From awkward laughs and thinking about life To walking in silence as we passed each other on a intersection It's been lonely But I can't feel that way You've been on my mind since I ignored you Or you ignored me I haven't felt the same Did you forget about me? I had some impulses of thinking of you You made me feel all types of ways From being happy and excited To lonely and sad But even though today would have marked our 2 year anniversary I'm glad I haven't felt you in a while You were cancelled, forgotten. Someone I regretted You woke me up at night to waste my time. You held me back when an opportunity was for the taking to better myself You made me give in the the pressures of reality You kicked me when I was already down You made me feel dead because the times I would be alone you showered me with fear I couldn't defeat you because I thought you were stronger than me. Boy was I wrong I realized that without having you now in my life made it seem so much better Like a dream in a whimsical fairy tail I forgot about you with time and patience Then a spark hit me. I felt pity. You had a hand on me i pushed that arm off You were taller but I was smarter You laughed I smiled Because in reality, you lost the battle before it even began. So I bid farewell to you We had some good memories You were always with me Through thick and thin Pushed me into risk and danger Never thought about me once or made me think about a lot Suppressed my emotions when I needed them Forged a bond that was weaker than paper Wouldn't allow me to give other what they needed help on solely because you didn't want to help them Made me overthink about simple problems and making them into a huge incident Focusing on the negatives than the positives Allowed me to be played with then say to myself "I wasn't getting played because I know that person well" Even lied to me about being ok because you then would tell me "you would not amount to anything." So congrats you piece of shit I'm leaving you You were at one time the worst part of my life But now I'm focused on my life not your effects on me. Goodbye Anxiety.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Metaphor motivation

No one can tell you what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one could understand the difficulty and decisions you made before you became who you are. No one understands sacrifices you made.

Time

Relationships

Money

Mental

Physical sacrifices

are just easy things to give up for your dreams. But they're able to say that because they'd rather be covered in a warm blanket of failures than folding it up and moving towards success. No one can say practicing in the rain for soccer or playing basketball in the wintertime is bad because in reality, if you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

A walk in the park

The calm fall breeze hits me before entering

The sunlight hits me with the leaves bantering

The feel of the trees while walking reminds me of the past

With a feeling of wanting the moment of freedom to last

But people evolve fast

The old school benches reminds me of peace.

From couples kissing to best friends wishing

That the day wouldn't end and the future never came.

An idiom that was wished for

for centuries

But in their lifetime,

the moment will be

Forever.

in their memories.

Then a quiet breeze hit me. And I'm back to being a student, a sleepy teen.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

Word restrictions

Let's keep it personal

I'm lost like an earthquake-hit Haitian

I'll welcome you here's your invitation

I lock up my feelings, wrap it up with electrical currents

Everyone trying to start and break me. Call that chipping at my integrated circuit

Whatever there's things I have to covert

I'll just act like an introvert

[lazyturtleloss-blog]

High school crush consequences

Her love was addictive but she wasn't giving any. I thought since she understood me, she would return it to me. I was close to her as her phone but I was clean. She was a beautiful brunette and her eyes glistened as I was trying to talk to her. I guess this was a reason I couldn't let go. If she runs, I run. If she calls, I pick up the phone. But what if I'm alone? Would she care? Would she hug me from the back, wait for me to give me a sense of belonging?

Her love was addictive and I could feel it. I felt it was A Midsummers Night Dream, but in reality? It was more like Romeo and Juliet. A tradegy ready to happen. The only difference is Romeo and Juliet felt the same but was my crush playing games? What a shame because I hoped she felt love for me. That's why I believe I should stop. I'm afraid of love because she gave me doubts more than love. I gave her attention but didn't give me romantic emotions. But I will try because in reality and in my thoughts? She is the one I want.

[lazyturtleloss-blog]