llvrgrll

[llvrgrll]

Heal, so you can recognize genuine relationships with pure intentions when they show up without sabotaging them.

[llvrgrll]

“No matter how damaged you are, there will still be love for you. No matter how unlovable you think you are, you will still be loved. You will always be loved.”

— Lukas W.

[llvrgrll]

I don’t know when exactly

But the anxiety turned into ambition

The depression turned into determination

Fear into hope

Grass yards turned into flower gardens

Late nights were exchanged for early mornings

The booze was replaced with elderberry tea (with lemon)

And all the black hearts turned into white ones

And I think I’m learning to love myself again

maybe for real this time

[llvrgrll]

You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick 🍂

[llvrgrll]

“𝐈 𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐲: 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐮𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞, 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬, 𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐥 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐛𝐨𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐱𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐝. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐈 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐲 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝; 𝐢𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐞: 𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝, 𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝, 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝. 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐢𝐭 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐬, 𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐛𝐚𝐭, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐩 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝, 𝐛𝐞��𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐰𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 – 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐭.” — 𝙻𝚎𝚜𝚕𝚒𝚎 𝙹𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚘𝚗

[llvrgrll]

I think I’m realizing that I really don’t believe in anything— I just like the idea of things.

It sounds good on paper.

It sounds good coming out of your mouth. (Anyones but my own but I’d still like to know what you think comes after death)

I don’t know if I’ll ever ask you about the afterlife— what you think will happen/where you think you’ll go.

I don’t think I want to know—

It’ll only validate what I’ve been suppressing for so long.

—I think I love you

but I refuse to say it out loud

[llvrgrll]

I love my mother.

I think about growing up with her.

I think about her growing up with me.

I wasn’t a perfect kid but I was nice.

I used to be so nice.

She loved me.

She also broke me.

She caused me so much pain.

She said things that I’ll never forget.

Some good.

Most not.

and I know it was hard.

and I know she was hurting.

but I was too.

[llvrgrll]

a room for two— a space for me.

I’d only known you for 3 weeks when you started to call your place “home” for the both of us.

“Let’s stay home,” you’d say.

Even your language was making room for me.

Thank you for making room for me.

[llvrgrll]

Words to describe facial expressions

Absent: preoccupied 

Agonized: as if in pain or tormented

Alluring: attractive, in the sense of arousing desire

Appealing: attractive, in the sense of encouraging goodwill and/or interest

Beatific: blissful

Black: angry or sad, or hostile

Bleak: hopeless

Blinking: surprise, or lack of concern

Blithe: carefree, lighthearted, or heedlessly indifferent

Brooding: anxious and gloomy

Bug eyed: frightened or surprised

Chagrined: humiliated or disappointed

Cheeky: cocky, insolent

Cheerless: sad

Choleric: hot-tempered, irate

Darkly: with depressed or malevolent feelings

Deadpan: expressionless, to conceal emotion or heighten humor

Despondent: depressed or discouraged

Doleful: sad or afflicted

Dour: stern or obstinate

Dreamy: distracted by daydreaming or fantasizing

Ecstatic: delighted or entranced

Faint: cowardly, weak, or barely perceptible

Fixed: concentrated or immobile

Gazing: staring intently

Glancing: staring briefly as if curious but evasive

Glazed: expressionless due to fatigue or confusion

Grim: fatalistic or pessimistic

Grave: serious, expressing emotion due to loss or sadness

Haunted: frightened, worried, or guilty

Hopeless: depressed by a lack of encouragement or optimism

Hostile: aggressively angry, intimidating, or resistant

Hunted: tense as if worried about pursuit

Jeering: insulting or mocking

Languid: lazy or weak

Leering: sexually suggestive

Mild: easygoing

Mischievous: annoyingly or maliciously playful

Pained: affected with discomfort or pain

Peering: with curiosity or suspicion

Peeved: annoyed

Pleading: seeking apology or assistance

Quizzical: questioning or confused

Radiant: bright, happy

Sanguine: bloodthirsty, confident

Sardonic: mocking

Sour: unpleasant

Sullen: resentful

Vacant: blank or stupid looking

Wan: pale, sickly

Wary: cautious or cunning

Wide eyed: frightened or surprised

Withering: devastating

Wrathful: indignant or vengeful

Wry: twisted or crooked to express cleverness or a dark or ironic feeling