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[lovenojudgement]

September 09. 2024 16:15

“You’ll know you truly love someone when they cause to be both your pain and your happiness at the same time.

I love you, hubs.”

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

September 08, 2024 16:07

“Happy birthday in heaven my dearest Ella. I might not be there to visit you but I have always brought you with me in my heart. Please continue to guide us from up there. I hope you are proud of me because you’ve always wished the best for me. I truly miss you. I love you 🕊️

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

September 04, 2024 08:26

“All I feel before bed and when I wake up is heaviness.

Nevertheless, I am still thankful for all these opportunities and blessings.

Lord, make your plans clearer. I am really tired of looking for myself in the dark pit of uncertainties and fear.”

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

September 03, 2024 19:03

Thoughts before bed.

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

September 03, 2024 13:15

“I am at the highest peak of the mountain— scared, lonely but willing to jump and quit anytime.

It has been a tough treck but I tried my all to make it. I almost fell a couple of times but I chose to stand by my promises.

Maybe they were right. Maybe I have to let things go for my own sanity.

We may be compatible but not suitable to spend our lives together. It has been more than a month already since the last time I smiled and laughed wholeheartedly. It has almost been a month since I slept and woke up without thinking about all these.

You knew but you have always chosen to be eaten up with pride and fear and I guess I cannot do anything about that anymore. The ghost is within yourself already.

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

September 01, 2024 22:12

“Saturation point.” (long post ahead)

As my flight home comes closer and closer each day, instead of feeling excited I do not know why fright and depression has been eating my whole being little by little. It is the first day of September and I started it with an anxiety attack-- shortness of breath and unending flow of tears. I have been excessively tiring myself even after work to make sure that when my body touches the bed, I would fall asleep right away. I do this for me to be able prevent myself from having time to think and mess with myself even more.

While writing this, all I can feel is being lost in my own love story. I might have used this line with my previous blogs already, but its definition is different this time. Before, I was lost since I never got any confirmation to what we were to each other. Now, I am lost in my own love story because of all the uncertainties that it is making me feel each day. I have always been hopeful of what we have and never have I ever wanted to end this. Before I left home to pursue building my future here in the US, I never thought that starting a fresh and young relationship would hinder a lot of things. I have always thought and treated this relationship as an inspiration and as a solid rock that I could lean on when weakness hits me since I will be all alone. 

I know for myself that being in a long-distance relationship will never be easy. Most of my friends never agreed on this, but I have always believed in love. I have always trusted God and His will. I thought of meeting John before I left as a blessing because I have always been vulnerable and now, God has finally given me my constant confidant in life. Someone who is sure of me. Someone who would do his best to make me happy not because it is needed but because I deserve it. I held on to “we will make this work” up until this very moment. But for almost 3 months now, I feel like our relationship is adding up to my daily exhaustion. 

Do not get me wrong. I am sure that I have tons of lapses as a partner. I thought practicing an open communication would help but I am not quite sure with it anymore. Recently, I had thoughts in mind that I choose to rather keep to myself than sharing it with him because I would probably feel invalidated again. When I feel invalidated then just end the day and start the next one like nothing happened, he does not see how it gets back to me after ending the call.

With our plans when I get home, none of it is even sure. I do not know how to fix things anymore. I do not want words to come out of my mouth because I have done those over and over already. I did not even know that my suggestions were treated negatively.

Last night, as I was breaking down, I was asking God what He really wanted me to see? What did He wanted me to realize as I go through these? What action should I do to calm my erratic emotions every time I feel scared if things does not push through smoothly and affect the following years of our relationship ahead? Because with all these uncertainties, the only thing that I am certain about now is that I cannot continue this relationship in the coming years without us having the assurance of at least being with each other even just for a short period of time. No matter how sad and painful things get when I enter the airport doors going back to reality, I have always chosen to go home and be with him. Regardless of the long hours of traveling and the jet lag to and from the vacation itself. I can say that it has always been worth it. The first time that I felt it was during my first vacation, I told him that I could not continue living like this and feeling this heaviness in my heart every single time. His response was, he feels the same way as well and that we will fix it. I felt so relieved because I know things would probably go smoother in the future. But I think I was wrong. Things got worse. Obviously, the things that we talked about for the future seems to fall apart as days go by. Words that were said felt firm, but they were not. Words are just words when no action is done. 

He has changed enormously. The way he eats, the way he takes care of himself as a whole, how he modulates the intensity and tone of his voice when we have disagreements, the way he chooses to be vulnerable with me when he misses me when we do not talk normally during a fight, the way he updates me the moment he steps out of their house whether it be for work or leisure, the way he satisfies my cravings and to make me feel better from a tiring day through food deliveries and a lot more. I can list many more, but it would make this blog even longer than it is now. God knows how I appreciate every change that he has done not only for our relationship but also for himself. Every time I see how he takes care of himself I always feel like God is tapping my shoulders for doing a good job as his girlfriend.

We have a couple weeks more before my flight and none of the things that we talked about are falling into place. He told me to give August to him and so I did. Yet again, it did not go like how he said it would. Yes, he briefly talked to my sister about it, and nothing came after that. I pretty much know how he thinks of this situation. Instead of following up, he would prefer to wait not thinking of how it would affect our other plans. I have seen this scenario already. Almost the exact thing happened when I was telling him to plan a beach vacation for us with my sister the last time that I went home. Things did not push through, right? Why? Because it’s what they liked that mattered. I might probably be the same this time. It is not urgent because it is nothing that he wanted to do in the first place. Maybe I was pushing him too much. If only he knows how hard it is for me to feel like a director with all of these every time I open this up for our future. Yes, I said that things can still push through with or without my parents’ blessings. But I hope he remembers what he told me before. That it is not our option for my parents to be mad at us. And I hope he understands that being away from them regardless of how crazy my family gets, it does not remove my function as a daughter and as a sister-- most importantly being a part of the healthcare, there is a need for me to know how their health are doing. Therefore, being away from them is already hard which means not being in good terms with them because of this would add more to the burden.

I know that he never had plans of working abroad. He did say that his plans can change for as long as it would help make our relationship work. Like what I always tell him, I understand where he is coming from. But I can never do anything other than to assure him that again, we will make things work for as long as we are together. It is painful for me too to remove him from where he is really used to. But I also want him to see the possible opportunities that life can give him. I also want him to see other places where he can grow not only professionally but as a person as well. I am currently in the state of thinking that he should just choose and let me know which path he would want to choose because there is no way for him to have the best of both worlds. If he could not let things go in the Philippines, then there is no chance for us to have a lifetime with each other. My heart cannot push things through in the following years facing the camera alone. Not being able to reach his hands when I am not feeling well or when I am scared or sad. The feeling of being incomplete even with the celebrations of our small wins because of the distance. This frightens me every single day for as long as none of what we talked about are settled. My heart is worried and down for all these uncertainties because I have always thought that this relationship is meant to be my forever. I know I might be asking for too much. Likewise, time is of the essence, but no urgency is seen nor felt even after crying my heart out a couple of times already. I am sorry for putting our relationship in this situation, but I have laid all these down even before I left. I have given options over and over and none of it were even tried. I cannot do anything anymore but to decide for myself when nothing happens when I get home for the last time. Because like what I said, if I really meant that being engaged or being married to him is my gauge of his love for me, then why do I feel like I am begging for it? Maybe he really is not ready to face life’s challenges with me. Or maybe it’s not really me who is meant to be with him in facing life itself. He sent me a song that he said he remembers me when he listened to it. It was “Die for You” by The Weekend. Just a random thought, how would you even die for me if you could not even take the risk of holding my hand and trusting the process of our lives by moving out of your comfort zone and dropping your pride behind? Interesting thought, isn’t it?

Again, I am not perfect, and I appreciate all the changes, but I have tried my best to stick to most of my promises the moment I left. I always chose to stay in your axis even if I was partially losing myself instead of feeling whole. Last night, I opened how I was feeling. I would like to thank you for dismissing it again for the nth time. Thank you for choosing to use the self blame card on me instead of searching for the possible reasons why and trying to fix it from there. It could have felt better if you chose to make me feel and know that every time, I feel this, you are just there. That no matter how life hits me, no matter how strong the gravity pulls us away from each other, it is your hand that I will always reach out for. That it will always be you no matter what because there will really be times where in resolutions are not available yet but your presence is yet to be more than enough.

This has been giving me anxiety attacks in the middle of the night and sometimes the feeling of zoning out even at work when I think of my future without him. Dropping out of this relationship is easy if I do not love him this much. But I do. Even if sometimes I have thoughts like, can I live life with someone who does not see what really needs to be acted upon urgently. If I can live life with someone who chooses to enclose his life where he is used to just because it's comfortable. But then it would lead me to the thought that people differ. So the only thing I can do is to uplift him even though he chooses to resist because of pride. People say why am I settling for the bare minimum? That someone would treat me better because I deserve better. I have never thought of considering this. Because I know that the "bare minimum" that they see might be his best for now. There will always be room for change and improvement when you are open for it which is why I have always chosen to stay. But one thing is for sure, every one has their own saturation point and I might be close to reaching it.

I never thought that the definition of lost in my current life’s dictionary is heavier than it used to. 

I have always been hopeful regardless of how hard things are especially these days. So, I hope we still have time. I hope time would give us a little more grace to fix things for our future. And I hope God provides us a clearer mind to decide for what is best for our relationship.

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 28, 2024 18:55

“Words will always be words. It’s easier said than done.”

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 28, 2024 17:31

“So what happened to what you told me before? That it is not an option for our parents to get mad at us? Just because you choose to chicken out and think like how others think, you would prefer that over having the time to fix things with them. Or should I say, you really do not want our wedding to happen in the first place?

These thoughts really make me question myself sometimes. It makes me ask myself why am I settling in this unsure relationship?

Like what I told you earlier, its sad that you choose to think like them because of mere pride. But as days go by that you side with how their thoughts work, you are little by little loosing me.

Small details matter. I will be home in a couple of weeks time and your driving lessons hasn’t even started even for a single session. I honestly do not need a man who can provide all the things that I need. I need a man who can act like a man to his chosen woman.”

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 17, 2024 22:04

“God knows how much I think about us everyday. I don’t know where this is headed. But one thing is for sure, I have never given so much patience and importance to someone. I have never loved someone this much, just you. I may not understand why my heart has to go through so much for the past weeks but I still pray to God every night. I pray and ask Him that no matter how hard things get, no matter how painful your actions or your words hit me most of the time, no matter how much you guard your pride more than my heart, I still hope and pray that we’ll get through all these together. I miss and love you so much.”

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 17, 2024 09:05

“Be ready”

Hey how have you been lately? It has been a while since the last time I wrote something here. For the past days, my posts were quotes and reposts from other people that made sense with where my life is currently at.

I have not really been in a good state for almost a month now. All I did was to purely work to minimize the anxiety and depression attacks. It has not really been the greatest feeling. It feels like I am going back to the old me with how I cope up when I am at my worst. I cover it up with so much work until the only thing I can feel is exhaustion— intense headaches and twitching muscles. Before I decided to move here in the States to work, one of my considerations was to fix myself. To learn how to love and take care of myself more than I love and take care of others. Other people have always been my priority over myself ever since my family had issues. All I wanted to see, and feel is happiness even if I was compromising my own. I wanted to escape the darkness that my own family has brought to me during that time. Which made me sensitive of how others feel and how I would be able to make them smile even in my smallest ways. 

I have been vulnerable with love and care to be honest. It caused me my greatest heartaches. I have always longed for pure and consistent intentions. But I repetitively failed. Its either I was left hanging, my emotions and love was played with, or I was cheated on. Then I met someone a month before I left Manila for work.

 I could not thank God enough because I finally met someone who was loud and proud to love me. Things started to get rough initially, but we still made it. We always tried to put our love for each other first. We have always placed in mind that breaking up will never be an option. Before I agreed with this relationship, I laid everything down. And the only thing he said was we will try to make it work. That it will be easier to leave the country than to find someone who fits your heart best. I knew that he had no plans of leaving but he always made me feel like his plans can change for us. But none of those exist now. 

I am having a hard time with where we are now. Our future does not seem to intersect in any way. I sleep and wake up with a heavy heart. My tears well up anytime and anywhere when I think of the possibilities of not seeing nor being with him for a long time. He is not easy to love and so am I. But I have always found and felt his love in his own ways which is why I have chosen to stay in this love and hate relationship. 

It is so hard for me as a person who prefers things to be planned and be ready to be madly in love with a man who has a lot of uncertainties and fears in life. I do not have any control with that anymore. I have already tried my best to explain things over and over which is also why I already feel very drained with our relationship. Do not get me wrong, my love for this man is the greatest that I have ever given and the greatest that I will ever give as well. But I cannot be in a long-distance relationship for a lot more years. The sadness of being away from you is pulling me down. It is adding up to the homesickness and everything else. I do not think I can still maintain a healthy long-distance relationship for an unknown number of years. I cannot tell someone to jump a cliff without him really feeling the readiness of taking all the risks after jumping. I fear receiving his resentment and setbacks when things get hard especially during the first jump. Nothing in life is sure and everything in life is a risk. But the only thing that I can promise him is that it will always be my hand holding his during the whole journey. Yet again, nothing of these matters if he is not ready. The downside is that I cannot wait any longer to receive the assurance that I think I deserve. 

I had a dream last night. We bid each other goodbye, and I told him to find himself first. I told him to figure the things that he really wants in life and just get back to me when he does. Hoping that we’re both free by the time he already is ready. That the situation where we are at right now can only be decided by us if it really is God’s will. I trust His plans in His time. 

Now, I do not know if this is the best move for the both of us. I have been very dependent on him, but I cannot dictate on how I want things to go because a relationship does not work that way. It should be with his considerations and his own firm decisions. Without those, the relationship will definitely fall apart. And being ready will always be the key ingredient for you to be able to give your partner assurance. I was not in a rush. I have already lifted my dream of becoming a mom. But time is of the essence with our status. Being away from each other for a long time is not a joke. I cannot deal with waking a person up from the screen because I am scared. I cannot deal with waking a person up from the screen because I am not feeling well. And a person from the screen cannot do anything as well when emergency cases happen. I cannot live with holding the hand of my stuffed toy because I woke up in the middle of the night while a strong storm is going on outside and I am alone not knowing what could happen next.

Life will never just be full of butterflies and rainbows. Life also revolves with uncertainties and risks. We can never know what life can bring us anytime. I can be typing this down today while it can be my last as well.

Life is just borrowed and it can be taken back anytime so just make the most out of it instead.

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

Apply for that job. Date that person. Buy that plane ticket. Move to that city. Do all the things that scare you, because they’re worth it.

Unknown

[lovenojudgement]

August 16, 2025 19:54

“Everything in life is a risk.”

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 25, 2024 20:27

“If you really want to, you’ll find a way. Else you will find excuses.”

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 14, 2024 16:15

One day.

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 12, 2024 08:12

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 10, 2024 16:42

“Don’t fall in love with someone who has different plans for the future than you do. Don’t keep procrastinating and promising yourselr you’ll figure things out eventually. Don’t keep convincing yourself your future plans aren’t that big of a deal.

You don’t want to end up falling deeply in love with someone and dedicating years of your life to someone, only to wake up one day and realize you have completely different ideas of happiness.

Love isn’t the only ingredient needed in order to make a relationship last. If you have your heart set on having children or working fulltime or moving to another country and your person refuses to do any of those, then you’re going to have a tough decision to make.

You don’t want to stay with them out of love and then end up resenting them for taking away your dream life. You don’t want to make major sacrifices for them and then hold it over their head for the rest of their life either.

Sometimes, even though you love each other, you aren’t meant to spend the rest of your lives together. Sometimes, you have to think practically and use your head instead of blindly listening to your heart.”

DGPS

[lovenojudgement]

August 10, 2024 15:12

“However, two individuals should rethink their relationship if they find themselves arguing about fundamental, irreconcilable, and unchangeable differences in the values they hold important.”

DGPS