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lucemondbot · 1 year
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Pantalone x Scaramouche
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lucemondbot · 1 year
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Thanks 😭😭
It’s just, how time flies! I had to make up the ship name of Lucemond when I started writing their fanfics two years ago! So glad to see more and more people attend this tag!
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lucemondbot · 1 year
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It’s just, how time flies! I had to make up the ship name of Lucemond when I started writing their fanfics two years ago! So glad to see more and more people attend this tag!
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lucemondbot · 1 year
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Since I've only read the book, from my point of view, Lucerys' relationship with Aemond is based on Luke's guilt and the fact that they know each other well (I always find a way to make them interact more as I write), Lucerys' tolerance of Aemond's capriciousness, and his lowering of himself in front of Aemond's seemingly stubborn but desperate self-esteem. This makes Aemond feel 'hypocritical', a disguised 'offering', and he therefore mocks Lucerys' humility. But Luke is also a child with boundaries, which means that he does not tolerate Aemond unconditionally in all respects; he has his own individuality and his own resistance, and it is he who must be the first to surrender in the cold war. His role in the relationship as "the one who takes the first step in everything" - he apologises to Aemond, makes advances, pursues Aemond, hugs and kisses him --- making him willing to continue to lower himself to Aemond's "pedestal". They are like levers between Lucerys, who takes the initiative to bring them closer together but spends all his strength to maintain the fragile balance, and Aemond, who seems to be leaving in the next moment, but who can bring things back to normal again with just a little response. Aemond is like a sweet, rotten apple, poisonous but addictive; Luke may think he is 'purely in love' with Aemond, but in reality he is also enjoying the thrill of that addiction; Aemond is also Aemond is able to enjoy the satisfaction Lucerys brings him unilaterally, unburdened by his past and his hatred, and to ask for more, happy with Lucerys' repeated accommodation of him, so he refuses to Moved by his own ego, Lucerys continues to pursue him and keep him despite his past, eventually becoming suspicious and then choosing to let go, only to be pulled back in the middle by Aemond's outstretched hand. This is their fraught cycle, and their tragedy. They both need time to come to terms with this. From start to finish what they need most is time, time to let go of the past, time to understand each other, time to learn a lot. What they lacked most was also time. And yet they can't give each other time and space in this rush back and forth. So they cannot rise to the level of 'soul mates', but are confused and unhappy with each other. Their relationship is about love and sex, about hatred and forgiveness, about loving and being loved, about two young people swept along by the tide of time, about Lucerys Velaryon and Aemond Targaryen.
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lucemondbot · 1 year
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Jacaerys x Helaena if
*Fancast
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lucemondbot · 1 year
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He Knows not what Love is
Notes:
*ABO settings. Alpha!Lucerys x Omega!Aemond
*Originally posted on LOFTER, now I post the English version.
Summary:
He knows not what love is that has no children.
*
Aemond hated the things that came along with this failed marriage.
He woke up early on the morning of the second day of his new marriage with pain. The pain in the glands at the back of his neck and deep in his body grew stronger than as his consciousness woke up. It occurred to him, self-deprecatingly, that Lucerys Velaryon seemed destined only to bring him constant, repeated pain and humiliation. At first Alicent tried to reassure him: at least it was clear that Lucerys didn't have the guts to oppress you, and that you could kick him out of the way once you'd gotten your hands on his inheritance.
She was telling the truth: Lucerys was only fifteen when he married him, no more mature than Helaena had been when she married. And to his "dismay", his husband, an Alpha, was weak and incompetent. Sometimes he would provoke Lucerys, "Where's that little bit of courage you had to poke me blind, Strong?" and he would shamefully avoid the subject - or rather look guilty. His blind king father was very pleased with the Strong grandson, and even thought they were a good match; Aemond would play along with Lucerys when he was in a good mood - which was rare. More often than not, the sarcasm makes it easier for him.
He had long since grown tired of his pretence of asking for his opinion or feigning thoughtfulness. Perhaps the Bastard Lord still didn't get what a political marriage really meant, as he mentioned to his brothers once. And his brother simply stated quietly, "He likes you."
Aemond told him to shut up.
He also hated everyone who made a farce of his life, especially when they would glance back and forth at his belly or turn around and start whispering to each other.
Lucerys' attempts to placate him only made him feel more irritated. During the night, they continued to fulfil their duties to each other. Although each time it seemed like a dirty, sordid humiliation. Lucerys would sit up with his back to him afterwards, and Aemond thought he could put something through his heart, but he was too tired to move. He had no interest whatsoever in conceiving a child, although the desire to have children was never considered to be in Omegas’ nature.
But it was "natural" for a short time - his first pregnancy caused quite a ruckus. He dares to say that most of the smiles and compliments were monotonous flattery. The sort of thing only Viserys, that fool of a king, would have liked. At least there were still people who genuinely wished him well.
"Everything will be fine with the baby." Helaena assured him.
Aemond opened his mouth to contradict her, because apparently their marriages didn't bear much resemblance to each other. He took a breath and swallowed the vile contents back into his throat. Maybe she had a point, who knew? He'd never imagined what it would be like to be a mother himself, and maybe it would be better than both Alicent and Rhaenyra, too. The little thing that was half his and half Strong's blood had been quiet in his belly for quite some time. He didn't even notice its presence at first until he couldn't stop himself from dry heaving at lunch one time and the Queen turned her head to look at him keenly, "You're pregnant?"
It was only then that he realised with a start that he had not had his hot flush for four whole months, and that it was bound to come every month, despite its inherent and often disordered nature. So he acknowledged the fact with haste, chagrin and horror. It took less than a day for it to spread throughout the Redoubt. He ended up throwing up even more the next day, with Lucerys patting him on the back.
By the sixth month, he was finally starting to be vulnerable like most Omegas. He felt anxious about the unknown birth and could not relieve it. Lucerys didn't shy away from this responsibility, but Aemond could smell that he was equally uncertain about everything: how to be a father, how to bring up a child. Aemond can only do what he hates most: wait, wait, and keep waiting.
At least when he or she was old enough to step into the schoolyard and hold a practice sword, he would correct his grip himself - he was sure it would be a boy. Perhaps he would have purple eyes, just like his old ones, even if he would be given a name that had nothing to do with him: Velaryon, so what, he was of true dragon blood.
The child that was supposed to be born and raised without any problems turned out to be an endless torment to him. It made no difference if he had been born dead or if he hadn't been dead long afterwards, he just felt angry. All the time and energy that had been wasted had not resulted in anything. What made him even more upset was that he still had to fight the urge to mentally prepare for the same process next time, just for a bit of inheritance and a hostage who would carry weight in times of war. At least it hurt him to see the King and his wife depressed about it for a while. He would have tried to resist, but Omega's instincts would have led him to throw himself at Lucerys like a brute in heat - the King and Queen were tacitly forbidden to offer him moon tea by the Grand Maester. There were times when Lucerys simply bit him on the back of the neck so as to revive him, and as Aemond stared at him with shame, Lucerys replied, "Neither of us consented."
"I thought you were in love with me." The words were more like a provocation.
Surprisingly, Lucerys Velaryon gave a slight nod. That was a bit too much of a joke. Then Velaryon scratched his hair rather uncomfortably, "I'm not so sure, you know, when an Alpha has marked Omega ......"
"That's enough." He didn't want him to say any more. Especially now.
"The thing about the child can probably wait." Lucerys gripped his shoulder, "I want to, to give myself a little more time to prepare. Or you could say that I want to take a little more time, you know, with you, both of us."
"Don't." He replied, "I don't want to spend a fucking minute more with you."
Suffice it to say, he waited vigilantly for the hot flush to come each month definitely because he wanted a reason to be able to get away from him. He'd endured enough in the meantime, whether it was hints from the King and Alicent or the occasional small talk from the palace people in the Red Keep: about the child he'd lost, of whom Aemond had little or no memory. It was as if he had never existed at all. There was no point in wasting emotion on something that was gone. He was also tired of trolling Lucerys, they had been together for so long that sometimes even he felt that the rhetoric was becoming more tedious every day. Lucerys, on the other hand, seemed to him like a lost puppy, circling him day in and day out. I have to say that it was a pleasure to boss him around - no matter what time of day it was.
The arrival of the second child meant that Aemond had to put down his sword and lance for a while. But he was able to ride slowly around the Red Keep, "slowly" only because he was somewhat annoyed by the cramps in his belly that came whenever he tried to accelerate.
It was also the year that Aemond discovered that Lucerys had become taller than him.
And then, they had a daughter. The day after she was born Aemond held her in his arms for the first time - everyone had suspected before then that she would die in the night. She didn't. Even so he still felt nothing for her: she had the same red, wrinkled face as all babies, wriggling restlessly in the crook of his arm, and it was impossible to tell who she resembled more. But her thin, soft hair was silver. He would have been more than happy to take a closer look at her in another place, but at least not now, not here, not with Viserys, Alicent Hightower and Rhaenyra Targaryen looking at him at the same time. Then the king said to Rhaenyra, "She looks like you when you were born."
"What name do you want to give her?" Rhaenyra asked.
"Rhaenys," Viserys looked to Lucerys, "just after your grandmother, my cousin."
"No," Aemond said, "call her Visenya."
The uncomfortable silence lasted for a moment. He turned his head and gave Lucerys a look. The young Alpha took a step forward and stood in front of him in an almost ridiculously heroic gesture. "Visenya is a great name. After all, there's a chance that ...... 'Rhaenys' can wait for another time."
You want a fucking "another time? Aemond wanted to break open his brain with his bare hands and see what was inside. At the same time he noticed that the king's smile froze for a moment before he agreed. Even so, they took long enough to leave, Visenya Velaryon having fallen asleep on her own - though of course he doubted she could do anything but suckle, sleep, howl and drool. The truth was that, even later in life, he didn't feel maternal or even extra affection for the baby, as the vast majority of people had previously claimed. It was ironic that having a child made him feel more free than he had before. The latter showed unprecedented enthusiasm for his daughter: he tried relentlessly to teach her to talk, or to rock her in his arms, and one night even wrote a few sprawling letters to Rhaenyra Targaryen asking for advice on child-rearing.
Although Alicent occasionally hinted that both he and Lucerys still needed a 'spare' heir, they both coincidentally lost the desire to exhaust each other every night, except at special times. Lucerys still blushes with shame at the thought of asking him for another kiss, but for Aemond there is no need to hide the need to satisfy his carnal desires.
He spent his twenty-third naming day in the blandness of cold water.
Aemond's first thought was that Aegon's daughter was so old. But she was huffing and puffing as if she wanted to say something, and Aegon looked like he was clearly not going to ask and scowled at him, so he suppressed his impatience and knelt down to ask, "What are you going to say?"
She was quick enough to wrap her arms around his neck and then scream, "Mummy!"
Oh, I have a daughter. He snapped to attention. She was actually this tall already and could talk.
"Mummy Aemond, your cub seems to be lost. "Aegon attempted to mimic Vesonia's boyish accent come across as comical.
Aemond picked her up with ease and Visenya Velaryon dug into the nook of his neck - possibly with tears and snot smeared on it. He turned to Aegon again, "Have you seen Strong?"
"No, otherwise she wouldn't have gotten here." The older brother surveyed them with interest, "You know, your daughter looks a lot like Rhaenyra."
"I don't know." Aemond said, "At least it proves that she is indeed of Strong's daughter."
"Too bad her dragon egg didn't hatch." Aegon said, "Quite pretty looking, I could have married her if I didn't have Helaena."
"You're dreaming." Aemond asked to Visenya, "Where is Lucerys?"
She shook her head cautiously. Though she was still a small and soft and fragile toddler, Aemond felt she was going to be strangled herself if she didn't let go. In the gentlest of tones - as best he could - he told her, "Will you let go of me first, Visenya Velaryon."
A look of stubbornness emerged on that still tearful, boyish face, practically thundering with that of some bastard named Lucerys. He wasn't going to let Aegon continue to see the joke. "Older brother, if you like it so much, why don't I give it to you now as an adopted daughter?"
"Her father will come to me for a duel." Aegon said, "Look, here he comes."
Lucerys face looked surprised to see them, but the surprise was short-lived and Aegon was the first to break the silence, "Daddy Strong, I didn't expect you to find them here. I'll leave you two to talk."
"That's enough, I'm really going to flesh it out." Aemond changed his stance as his older brother left to his own devices. visenya watched them quietly. "Why can't you even watch a child? "
"The king approached me for a few words." Lucerys replied, "I didn't watch her for a moment and she ran off."
"What if she hadn't found me?" He pursued, "Fall into the river, worse - the moat? Poked through with iron spikes? Or taken someone who came in to catch rats?"
"My bad."Lucerys looked ashamed, and then he rejoined him, "I was going to take Visee to see your mother."
"She's always had it in for you." Visee? True to form. "You're just going to give it away?"
"I got used to it a long time ago." Lucerys asked hopefully, "Are you with us? maybe things will be better."
Aemond thought of several sarcastic words to say to him. Visenya leaned out and opened her arms to Lucerys, who quite expertly sat her on his shoulders while holding out his hand to prevent her from falling off, and Aemond found his look amusing.
It wasn't long before Visenya began to clearly display th ande naivety and foolishness she had inherited from Lucerys, always expressing her love for him, through hugs and words, as Lucerys often did. For two years she called him "Mummy", as she always did, and he felt offended by this. It was a rather tragic reality that he had never had anything but them, even after the war. Perhaps Aemon Velaryon should have been added after that - but their son was born with a flair for rebellion. At High Tide, he chewed over what Helaena had once said to him: you need to learn to love, Aemond.
Aemond has never understood what "love" is supposed to feel like. The bond between brothers and sisters was clearly different from it, and what was there between him and Lucerys beyond the simple hatred that allowed them to face each other with peace? He would ask Lucerys as he hooked his legs up his back to meet his movements, what the fuck do you love about me. He poked his eyes out of his loose brown hair to crawl up his cheek and replied sharply, everything. So Aemond tried his best to mock him in the most condescending tone he could maintain at the time, You sure are an obedient dog, aren't you, Strong?
If that's love, he thought as he rose to wipe the sweat from his forehead and gazed at the red, bleeding scratches on Lucerys back, then not everyone would want it. "Do you want to hear me say, 'I love you' yourself?"
Lucerys' tone was unusually calm, "I don't care about that as much as I used to."
"Then, I love you." It would have been a lot easier to say it as if it were a little lie. It wasn't even that difficult to say with only three words. He thought, then caught gratitude, love and something else in the other man's eyes. He realised that he was still a cunning, greedy snake, claiming his infantile feelings to feed on, to fill the gaping hole of emptiness created by a single-minded hatred.
He would remember the vows he had made then - neither of them had been made out of sincerity at the time - one body, one mind, one soul, it had been too hard to do, and in some things he could never forgive him. On the bright side, at least he had begun to try, or to admit, to "love" him, and the children they had raised together, though he hadn't realised it yet.
It's amazing how fast children grow, though Aemond was unpleasant to see the growing resemblance between his daughter and the young Rhaenyra. On Visenya Velaryon's seventh naming day he gave her a sword, even though at this moment she is still practising with the wooden sword - slightly shrunken of course - and will not be able to use it until she is a little older.
That day Aemond shooed aside High Tide's head teacher and Lucerys, who had been watching, and Visenya simply turned her head to look at him curiously, her serious look unchanged, only her eyes lighting up. He stood behind her and took her hand, then corrected the position of each of her fingers. Lucerys smiled at him while Visenya held her breath.
"Hold it, then stand sideways." He leaned down and told her.
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lucemondbot · 1 year
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lucemondbot · 1 year
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lucemondbot · 2 years
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aSoS dynamic ↑
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lucemondbot · 2 years
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*Lucerys Velaryon x Aemond Targaryen 
*The Handmaid’s Tale au
*Commission worked by @hilda-dewitt
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lucemondbot · 2 years
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Avatars by 气泡酒 
Lucerys Velaryon x Aemond Targaryen
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lucemondbot · 3 years
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Mobius Strip
Sum: the third break-up of Lucerys Velaryon and Aemond Targaryen.
*Translated from the Chinese version and my English is really POOR. *Lucerys Velaryon (above) x Aemond Targaryen (sub) *Age difference adjusted to one year. Modern city paro.
"We've come to the end of the road, but we're safe." -- "Downhill”
Aemond Targaryen took all his appendages with him, and all that he had left behind in Lucerys' life suddenly disappeared as if swallowed by a sudden tornado, leaving a huge, gray void surrounding him. It was the third time in two years, but now Lucerys felt a panic that he had never felt before.
He felt chagrin, but not much regret - it was a little too difficult for him to endure any longer. Most of the time Lucerys would choose to forgive the other side, but this time it was difficult. The funny thing was that he couldn't even remember what the heated argument had been about, except that he had burned their only photo together on the balcony half an hour after Aemond had left, in a mood that could not be described as depressed, and then smoked a menthol cigarette for the first time as a "reward" for crossing that hurdle. His eyes felt a little sore, and he convinced himself that it was only because the smoke was too strong, and not because of anything else. He thought about how Aemond was always passing the buck, blaming all of life's misfortunes on Lucerys - whether it was the dispute with Alicent Hightower or his brother's malicious jokes. You're too neurotic, Lucerys wanted to tell him, but he was tired of talking to Aemond. Two nights ago Lucerys was convinced that he would go mad sooner or later if he kept going on like this. But it was all over now. So he solemnly went out and drank with his brother, Jacaerys, until the early hours of the morning, and both ended up rotten.
"I don't really believe you'd really want to part with him." Jacaerys said.
"Maybe he never loved me at all, and maybe I did as well." Lucerys said calmly, "We just can't continue to live together."
"Who knows? I think that counts for something." His brother replied. And Lucerys smiled at him. He ended up drinking so much that night that he plopped down by the toilet and vomited as soon as he got back to the apartment after dawn. Through physical tears, he finally had a chance to sob. He didn't understand why he was crying, he just felt so miserable, like falling from a speeding carriage into a puddle of sludge, and it wasn't the first time he had fallen. But once he always had the strength to get up from the mud to catch up with Aemond, and now the situation is very different.
Lucerys recalled, in a confused and hazy haze, the times they had stood side by side in the kitchen studying the new oven, and Aemond had licked all the cream and sugar off his fingers before they had kissed for a long time; or the times they had made love on the bathroom floor, and he had separated Aemond's legs while Aemond had covered his eye and cursed Lucerys, and both of them had ended up with red bruises on their knees; or the times when he just stroked Aemond quietly, he could clearly remember the contours of every bone in his body: his little thumbs, for example, were long and curved slightly inward, his spine and shoulder blades shaped when he arched his back; Aemond would drink whiskey laced with lemonade before he went to bed, and Lucerys never understood what proportion they needed to be mixed. At least he could taste it when their lips were entwined. In July, during the summer holiday, they passed most of the day with long kisses and boring romance movies. That year Lucerys craved skin-to-skin contact more and more, but it was only after the holidays were over that he was able to wrap his arms around Aemond and bury his face in the crook of his neck without a care in the world. He liked to hold that position and then kiss the knot of his throat and his lower jaw.
After graduation they spent the rest of their nights and mornings making love, even though Aemond often looked disgusted - sometimes Lucerys just couldn't quite figure out what Aemond was thinking. What does he want from me? Again and again he stood naked and alone on the terrace late at night thinking, with the sound of Aemond's tired breathing in his sleep behind him. Apparently they were not short of money, so Lucerys got a Mustang the following year, no loan, lump sum. He took him on a road in the humid suburban air, the speakers playing a childish Disney animated movie episode. At a red light he let go of the steering wheel and took hold of Aemond's right hand again, rubbing his fingertips against his nails. When Aemond turned his head, Lucerys cupped his cheeks with both hands and kissed him. At that moment he remembered the doves in Snow White passing kisses for the man and woman who fell in love at first sight, but the pigeons in the park only asked for bread crumbs. Did he want me to love him? Lucerys try to find the answer in his closed eyes. Did he simply want a partner who would put up with all his quirks, or at least make his life less irritatingly monotonous? What would he think of when he kissed him back eagerly?
Lucerys subconsciously wanted to call him, but remembering that he had deleted Aemond from his contacts, even though the string of numbers was still clear to him now, he turned off his phone, sat back down on the couch, turned on the TV and started staring at the screen. Until Rhaena called her in the afternoon, "Lucerys, I heard about that thing."
"Oh," he said, "I'm fine now, really."
"It's our birthday party this weekend, so if you'd like to com, that would be great, of course." Rhaena said, "Baela also thought you might need some new friends."
"I have friends." Lucerys said, "I have my brothers, and you and Baela."
"But Baela wants you to come, and so do your brothers."
"Yes, I will come." He sighed and waited patiently for Rhaena to end the conversation, then began to count how many white flowers were on the pattern of the carpet, still feeling drunk.
Lucerys had forgotten exactly what month it had been the last time Aemond had slipped away, but it seemed to be a spring with French sycamore cotton wool-like flowers that would have made Joffrey allergic. He remembers panicking and staying by the phone twenty-four hours a day, even walking aimlessly around the living room, before Lucerys finally made up his mind to go looking for him, and his first step was to dial Aemond's number from a public phone booth near his house. He nervously kept picking his fingers at the reeled-up phone line. What should he answer if Aemond refused, or if he was abusive? Maybe he shouldn't call at this time.
When the line came through, Aemond didn't even make any extra pleasantries, he just said, "Lucerys Valerian."
"I just wanted to ask," Lucerys said, "Are you all right? I was worried about you."
Then he was surprised to find that Aemond's voice seemed a little hoarse when he spoke. "Nothing serious. Except that ...... oh, damn, I got hit by a damned driver." He sounded unwilling to admit it, "Just a broken bone. Nothing else happened."
"I will come to see you." Lucerys said. He hung up before Aemond had time to refuse. Panting, he hailed a cab and took it all the way to the home of Aemond's mother, Alicent Hightower. He didn't have a car of his own at that point. Lucerys tripped over a raised floor tile in the parking lane and fell to the ground, scraping his knee twice. When Alicent came out to open the door, Lucerys found herself still shaking. The outline of her jaw constricted steeply, but she still turned her body sideways to give him room to pass.
Aemond was lying in his bedroom, with his right leg in a white cast, holding a still-unopened packet of Godiva chocolates. Lucerys was too moved to speak as he fell to his knees beside him, and could only kiss him desperately with apologies. Aemond used the index finger of his right hand to push Lucerys's jaw open, then squeezed his shoulder.
"You're not a dog of mine," Aemond said, his voice sounded unhappy and annoyed,"There's no need to follow me all the time."
"Come back. "Lucerys replied feebly, "Come back to me."
In the fourth week of Aemond Targaryen's absence, Lucerys began to be asked out frequently. Most of the time it was Baela's classmates at the university who invited him. He guessed that it was in fact Jacaerys who had authorized them to do so. But Lucerys didn't refuse. He didn't like going to drinking parties, and sitting in the corner of a cafe was more his speed. The sixth time he was asked out he found himself unconsciously wandering off during the date as well. As he gazed at their blond, brown, or black hair, he was reminded of Aemond's hair, silver, and the odd smelling shampoo he used that smelled like a mixture of mint and ginger. Sometimes even Lucerys himself didn't realize he was comparing them to each other until he found himself constantly remembering the time they had sex when they got back together at college and feeling blushing and embarrassed about it.
He certainly remembered it well. They had stumbled into a passionate kiss in the locker room by the winter pool, and Lucerys' back had hit the metal coat hook behind him several times. Aemond sat on Luceys, holding his fingers tightly and guiding Lucerys through the expansion while he put on a "Troy" condom for Lucerys. He had obviously come prepared. Even though he knew Aemond wouldn't want him to do anything rash at a time like this, he reached out with his left hand to press against his buttocks, the skin wet and cold. Aemond warbled and began to adjust his position after pulling his fingers away, until he sank down hard and then Lucerys' penis finally entered his hole. Troy's blue wrapper fell to one side.
"Do you want me?" Aemond moaned and forced him, arching his back as his lower body went deeper. Lucerys touched his well-defined spine again, and he found himself shuddering at that, turning to rest his palms on the side of Aemond's waist in confusion, feeling Aemond like a sailboat undulating on the sea. He had also begun to gasp with excitement. Even though he knew Aemond didn't like him staring at himself during sex, he still couldn't ignore the lines of Aemond's cheekbones, the hollows between his collarbones, and the blazing warmth between his legs - all things that made Lucerys grateful at that moment. "I want you." Lucerys whispered. And Aemond gave no indication; he simply increased the intensity of his movements and soon found a position that invigorated both of them. He lowered his head and kissed him hard, finally scratching Luthris's back hard as he climaxed. Lucerys heard him let out a sigh that didn't sound like satisfaction or exhaustion, but it sounded like relief. It was as if the barrier between them had vanished into thin air at the same time. Aemond briefly rested his face on his chest. At least for a moment, he felt they had reconciled. They had been together until graduation, even if their relationship had not been as ideal as it had been at the beginning. Lucerys needed a glass of milk every night to help him sleep - a habit he had broken for six years since he turned fifteen. In fact, he wasn't sure if it was working or not at all.
"You're going off again." The girl sitting across from him complained. Lucerys couldn't remember her name for a moment. Marilyn, or was it Marianne? He blamed himself for forgetting it, and sulked because of his irritatingly declining memory. Lucerys struggled to throw away the unpleasant memories, but found that they stuck to his mind like garbage. They played over and over like a montage.
"You had an ex, didn't you?" She trailed off. Then before he could answer she was talking to herself again, spouting off about how awful and insufferable her ex was. He pretended to be listening intently, then deleted all ninety-nine unread ads and verification texts from his phone, then the red and blue dots from his email and social apps. He cleans them up silently and finishes his gin on the table with ice. He never drank before.
At the end of the lengthy date Lucerys drove the red Mustang to meet his mother at the restaurant. Rhaenyra Targaryen was in her early forties, and she wore a low-cut black dress. Their seats were next to the window, and Lucerys didn't like the neon light coming in from outside, so he pushed back his chair. Rhaenyra blinked in displeasure at this. She always used her eyes like that to suggest how she felt. Lucerys lowered his head, just as he had done in elementary school when he came home dirty from jumping in mud puddles for fun. Only now his shoes didn't have dried and caked mud on them, and Renila wouldn't order him to come back for dinner after a bath.
"You don't want to look at me, Lucerys." She said.
"I ...... I'm sorry." Lucerys replied.
"You should have felt that way from the beginning, instead of saying sorry to me now." Rhaenyra said, "I've asked you before, what were you thinking, Lou? Aemond is your uncle and my half-brother. And you both wanted to strangle each other."
"I'm not sure." He said, "Because then I realized he wasn't as bad as I thought he was."
"He was getting back at you. He was always getting back at you. He wanted to destroy you." Rhaenyra said, "He's as no good as his mother, Alicent. She only wants your grandfather's inheritance."
"Don't say that please."
"You're still taking sides with Aemond. But he never forgave you. I told you it was all his revenge on you. Revenge for you blinding him in his right eye."
"I don't want to talk about it, please." Lucerys replied.
Dessert was brownies. Lucerys was still haunted by what Rhaenyra had just said, even though she was telling the whole truth. Aemond teased him and his brother for not being their father's biological sons. Only Joffrey was there at first, so he was pushed off the bridge into the lake at the pier by Aemond. He was indeed an asshole. Lucerys knew this all too well, and didn't even regret accidentally stabbing Aemond in the eye when he returned fire. He shouldn't have tried to make it up to him. Lucerys thought with resentment. He had already wasted too much time on Aemond in his life. If he hadn't insisted, they wouldn't have seen each other so often, and perhaps he wouldn't have discovered that Aemond was far less unbelievable than he thought, and he wouldn't have uncontrollably desired him.
"You've taken the first step. That's good."
Lucerys coped vaguely. Confronting his mother had made him feel more helpless than ever. He had never been able to confess to her that he had begun to desire Aemond when he was fourteen in the pool. A few years later Lucerys learned to masturbate at night thinking about him. He used his memories of the summer in the pool to give vent to his desperate imagination of Ymund. He woke up as if he had been in a swimming pool, covered in dirty leaves and cold water mixed with sweat and disinfectant powder, feeling frustrated and resentful. When he was eighteen years old, Lucerys Rees gave Aemond a dark blue prosthetic eye as a birthday present, almost with malice. They ended up falling in love two months later. It wasn't until the two moved into an apartment and started living together that Lucerys discovered that Aemond smoked a Marlboro every week. He found his posture when he smoked surprisingly lazy and elegant. It was also the only time he could barely call himself "calm". "Men only remember love for romance. ¹" Aemond told him, "but we don't have romance or love. There's only lust and incest between you and me. Do you enjoy it all, Little Luke Strong?"At that time he felt like Aemond was a kite tied by a thin string and held under a glass cover. The string seemed like it would break at any moment. All Lucerys could do was listen in silence to his thunderous curses against Alicent and his brother, who complained that they were trying to drag him into a pointless struggle for his property. Sometimes Aemond was angry with Lucerys, and then continued to lie in the same bed with him as if nothing had happened, deliberately putting his legs on Lucerys.
Lucerys saw Aemond again after the tenth week of his untimely departure. He dreamed of him almost every night. What really alarmed Lucerys was that he found he could no longer clearly recall the details of Aemond's body. He couldn't recall the degree of depression in Aemond's shoulders, the touch of his pinky fingertips, the shape of his knees, or even accurately piece together his features, even as he tried to find them in the pleasure of masturbation. Lucerys crouched in the lavatory in despair, almost wanting to cry. He felt like what he had once had was drifting away from him as fast as if he were adrift at sea. He found himself sunken in the sockets of his eyes as he shaved the new stubble that had sprung up on his lips. His insomnia was getting worse.
After taking some time to calm down he called Aemond's brother Darren in as polite a tone as possible. The person on the other end hesitantly stated that Aemond hadn't been at their house at all. "Shouldn't he be with you all the time?" Darren said, "Mom's been pushing him to break up with you lately." With a shaky voice, Lucerys thanked him. He unconsciously began to smoke on the balcony until a pile of cigarette butts was added to the tiles laid on the floor. Like the first time Aemond had shoved a Marlboro into his mouth, Lucerys felt his lungs burning, but it made him slightly firmer. He knelt beside the bed and buried his face in the blanket, which was no longer covered with Aemond's breath. Then he went back to the bookshelf and ran his fingers across the spines, plucking them one by one out of the bookcase and onto the floor. Until the last one, the pink cover appeared in front of him. Lucerys pulled out "The Lady of the Camellias" carefully, it opened automatically to a certain page, and he found fingernail scratches on the paper. "And who am I tell you how to live. ²" Lucerys murmured. He was right, without the first half of the sentence, without love. He provoked Alicent with the Incestuous rebellion, and enjoyed it. Aemond Targaryen had always been like that.
For two months he was nowhere to be seen or heard from. Lucerys only received an anonymous card at Christmas, a simple folded green cardboard with the words "Happy Holidays" scrawled in blue oil-based ballpoint pen. He didn't know where it came from, but found it standing quietly in his Rolodex. But Lucerys recognized it as coming from Aemond by the unintentional crook at the end of the letter "M" and the "h." He thought about it over and over again that day. Had Ymund come to his office? Or had he just asked someone to leave it there? Had he done it to tell Lucerys that it wasn't over between them - or had he taken it as a terse farewell?
He had been up all night, repeatedly debating between turning on the TV, switching channels, and turning it off. He would not admit that he was actually dreading the overly quiet room, as it seemed to be a constant reminder of the fact that he was bored. In the early hours of the next morning Lucerys heard the doorbell. He went to the door and found Aemond standing in the doorway. He didn't look much different, except that he had grown his hair back and tied it behind his head, with his suitcase behind him. Lucerys stared at him unblinkingly.
"I lost the goddam key." Aemond said.
"The key can be replaced with another one." Lucerys said, "That's okay."
"I was not apologizing to you."
"I know."
"You want to sleep with me now, don't you?"
"I love you."
"Obviously." Aemond said. He started to take off his shirt. Lucerys stopped him. "That's not what I'm here for."
"Turn the light off, I don't want to see you."
Lucerys felt his approaching breath in the darkness and tried to kiss Aemond's lips, easily re-tracing the shape of his body in his mind's eye. His tongue met his teeth, and then another tongue. He held Aemond's nipples between his fingertips until they grew hard, and stroked over his ribs and abdomen again. It was like the night he came of age when they touched each other carefully for the first time in the wet night. His uncle took his wrist and slowly licked each of his fingers. Lucerys tasted smoke and blueberry chewing gum. He suddenly realized the room was too cold, but didn't get up to turn on the heating fan. The cold and the excitement made him feel awake rather than caught in yet another lustful dream. He was kneeling on a patchwork rug imported from Japan, pinning Aemond down with unprecedented firmness, then probing the index finger of his right hand into his rear hole and beginning to move in and out continuously. Aemond turned his head to the side. Lucerys felt his fingers being gripped tightly and pushed inward. He was as hot as fire. And one could feel pleasure in addition to pain when one was burned. When he was little, Lucerys tried to touch the lit candles on his birthday cake, but he was immediately burned and withdrew his hand. Not so, Aemond, he thought, I've always enjoyed burning myself.
   "What the fuck are you crying about?" Aemond asked him, suddenly surprised. "It seems like you're not the one getting fucked. Are you crazy for wanting to fuck me?"
So he wiped the back of his hand across the area below his eyes and found himself in tears. They flowed inexorably and then fell on Aemond's body. He began to sob. Aemond hesitated and reached out and touched his forehead with a gentle gesture that Lucerys had never felt before. A faint glow came through the window behind them, which allowed him to see Aemond's face clearly. Lucerys observed the stiff pause in his right eye as he blinked. The prosthetic eye was beautiful on his face, blue in color. Lucerys remembered that they had not seen each other for seventy-four days. Seventy-four days ago he had sworn that he would be better off without Aemond. Instead, it turned out that losing him would only make things worse. During one of their arguments, Lucerys called him "the bastard Imonte Targaryen, who has turned my head," and Imonte just smiled contemptuously. "Of course I fucking know that." He grabbed Lucerys by the shoulders, "Violent Little Luke Strong." They ended up in a heckle. Finally Lucerys took him in his arms, the tip of his nose touching Aemond's left cheek. Aemond grunted and squeezed Lucerys' stomach. "I should have gone." That's what he told Lucerys then, "I should have gone to Philadelphia and left you alone in this hellhole to watch you languish like a downed dog."
Lucerys decided to close his aching eyes as he entered Aemond, at least that would make him look less wretched. But Aemond immediately asked him to open his eyes again. Lucerys began to move his loins slowly, and Aemond grunted as his legs clenched tighter. He took hold of Aemond's wet and sticky hands. Aemond rarely sweated. At least as far as he could remember his hands had never been as hot as this. There were times when he was as cold as a snake, or maybe he was just cold-blooded. But he groaned with pleasure when Lucerys found his high point by intuition. Lucerys lifted Aemond's hair to the side and he gripped his hand as if it were the last cable on a stormy ship. They kissed again passionately at the onset of their climax. Then they parted in silence, somewhat awkwardly. Aemond announced that he was going to take a shower. Lucerys found the tequila in the refrigerator and took down two more glasses from the cupboard.
"I shouldn't have come back." Aemond draped the bath towel over his shoulders. He took a sip of his drink.
"We can go to Colorado together, if you want." Lucerys said, "We can leave tomorrow. You can go alone, too, but at least let me know you're alive."
"That's not the problem." He slapped the tabletop in annoyance. The towel slid downward a notch. "I thought you knew I loved you too, Lucerys, you're so fucking extravagant, isn't that enough?"
"I never knew." Lucerys was starting to feel impatient, too.
"So that's why you drive me crazy with your stupidity." Aemond finished his tequila in one go and poured another glass full, "I wanted to go too. But unfortunately, I find I can't."
"I should say thank you, Right?" Lucerys wanted to hit him. He hadn't thought of it that way in many years. They had fought hard when he was seventeen: Aemond had punched him in the nose and Lucerys had elbowed him in the jaw, and they had laughed and accused each other when they talked about it, when Lucerys would have felt relieved. Now he only felt an unprecedented anger towards Aemond. He doesn't understand anything at all, Lucerys thought. Aemond never understood what he really wanted. Hell, he was a self-righteous fool. He should have realized the truth. It would have been so much easier if Aemond hadn't been his uncle and had been a woman. Maybe then they would have been married, or maybe then they would never have met. Now he couldn't tell which would be the better situation.
Two hours after dawn he began to count, until roughly an hour had passed. Lucerys got up and brewed a bowl of cereal with cold milk that was about to expire - the red carton with the smiling woman in the white headscarf that Lucerys thought would be more appropriate for the cover of the cleaner. He made more spices for mulled wine with cinnamon, cardamom, citrus and rosemary. Rhaenyra had suggested that he drink a glass of red wine before bed to help him sleep, and now he decided to heed that advice. Aemond sat across from him and repeatedly poked the bowl of cereal with his spoon.
"We should get a dog." Lucerys said.
"I hate dogs." Aemond said, "Noisy and a waste of money."
"You never thought anything wasn't worth spending money on."
"I'm different now."
"You haven't changed a thing."
"That's your inconsequential judgment."
"We need a dog. One of those sheepdogs."
"It's useless." Aemond pursed his lips, indicating he didn't want to continue the argument.
Lucerys also felt he had no need to argue with him any further. In the afternoon they drove the Mustang to the mall. To buy tomorrow's breakfast, like whole wheat toast and marmalade. He had made his shopping list in advance and added coffee beans to the last column before he left. Only to find that the piece of paper was missing. Aemond taunted him for his carelessness, and Lucerys tried his best to restrain his chagrin. He had sometimes found living with Aemond nerve-wracking in the past; now he was beginning to feel tired. Rhaenyra called him in the evening. He and Aemond were reviewing the menu at the steakhouse and had just decided on a lobster bisque.
"I saw you with Ymund." Rhaenyra's voice sounded worried and sad, "What did you say last time, you swore you'd give him up. Lucerys, you chose him over your family."
"Aemond is my family, too. He's my uncle."
"That's only 'half' family, too."
"He only came back yesterday."
"Jacaerys is right. You can't leave him anymore." Raynera sighed. Lucerys rubbed his hand against the red velvet-trimmed wall. I'm rotting, he thought, and Aemond is like marijuana, toxic and capable of addiction. He was suddenly so sad he almost choked, but couldn't say why. After Rhaenyra Targaryen discovered the relationship between the two of them Lucerys had also had a big fight with her. In fact, he had been used to playing the role of a good boy. That was the first time that Lucerys rebelled against her. He followed the rules and went to the school she thought was good, joined the clubs she thought were good, applied to the majors she thought were good, and then found the boyfriend that drove her the most crazy. Lucerys admits he got pleasure from her shock and anger at the time, but that didn't last long.
"I'm going to hang up." He said.
"No matter what, you'll always be my son, and I'll always be your mother." She said at last.
"I know." Immediately afterwards he hung up the phone.
After a long tussle Lucerys chose the rib-eye steak, and Aemond asked for the same. He knew Aemond hated spinach, so he ordered only the goose fat potatoes, even though Lucerys didn't like them himself. After eating, they wandered aimlessly through the mall. Lucerys saw a ring at the counter in the shape of a Mobius strip, meaning "infinite love", which he thought was ridiculous, but bought a pair anyway.
On the way back they encountered a serious traffic jam. Aemond kept pressing the fast-forward and fast-reverse buttons on the record player with his hand. Lucerys put his hand on his knee. He grasped his hand. The skin felt extraordinarily real.
"When are you planning to go to Colorado?" Lucerys asked Aemond.
"I didn't say I was going to fucking Colorado."
"No, you have to go. And it's going to be us together." His lips parted and closed as if the words were automatically popping out of his chest in a huge blossom in his throat. Don't you understand? Lucerys wanted to ask him. He knew that Aemond never cared about what was going on around himself, but it didn't occur to him that he couldn't even perceive the most superficial nature of their relationship. Even the little love we have left for each other. He thought as he counted the lines on the leather of the seat. Even though it had burned so brightly for a short time.
"We'll come back. We'll go back to the beginning." Lucerys continued.
Aemond scowled at him suspiciously, as if to make sure this wasn't just another malicious joke. Lucerys had enjoyed this pungent look from him in the past, but now it only showed his confusion and foolishness. "Back to what?"
"Back here, back where it started." Lucerys suddenly wanted to let out a laugh. He wanted to laugh hysterically at something, someone. His heart fluttered at the thought that it might be himself, but he immediately felt the pleasure of sobriety again. He had pretended to himself that everything was fine between him and Aemond, that the problem was simply Aemond's capricious stubbornness, including his unwillingness to forgive Lucerys. The root cause was never here. They were destined to be so long ago, because they were Targaryen and Valerian. Lucerys could always find excuses from other sources, but he also knew in his heart that it didn't work. Aemond was even more foolish than he was, and he didn't even have the slightest sense - his poor eye were always set on less than a few miles long. Now Lucerys was determined to tease out the truth, or at least make it clear to both of them where they stood.
"We'll repeat the same mistakes, just like the past over and over again without realizing it, just like this damned Mobius ring, back to the beginning again for a change." Lucerys Velaryon spoke the truth aloud to the windshield in front of him, raising his hand to show Aemond the ring he had just placed on his left middle finger -- a shimmering silver metal ring -- Aemond also had one on his hand --then slumped exhausted at the wheel and waited for the long line of cars that had formed to restart.
1. It is said that the brand name comes from the abbreviation of "Man Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only".
2.The original is, "Who are you, tell me how to love, and who am I tell you how to live.
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lucemondbot · 3 years
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Princess Gael Targaryen was the thirteenth and last child of King Jaehaerys I Targaryen and Queen Alysanne Targaryen. Born during winter, Gael was also called the Winter Child. She was a frail, shy and sweet, although simple-minded girl.
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lucemondbot · 3 years
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《莫比乌斯环》
*路斯里斯·瓦列利安x伊蒙德·坦格利安。10k短篇+R级。
*现代paro,年龄差调整为一岁。
“我们已经走到了尽头,但我们很安全。”——《下坡路》
伊蒙德·坦格利安带走了他所有的附属品,他原本在路斯里斯生活中留下的东西全部像是被一场突如其来的龙卷风吞噬了一般忽然消失,留下巨大的、灰色的空洞环绕着他。这是两年以来的第三次,但现下路斯里斯感到了从未有过的恐慌。
他对此感到懊丧,却并不怎么后悔——再忍受下去对他来说也有些过于困难了。在大部分时候路斯里斯都会选择原谅对方,但这次很难。最可笑的其实是他甚至都想不起这场激烈的争吵究竟因何而起,他只记得伊蒙德走后的半小时他怀揣着称不上全然是郁闷的心情在阳台上烧掉了他们唯一的一张合照,接着第一次吸了薄荷醇香烟作为跨越这道坎坷的“奖励”。他感觉眼睛有些酸涩,于是说服自己那只是因为烟太呛了,而不是因为别的。他又想到伊蒙德总是在推卸责任,把生活中的所有不幸都归结到路斯里斯身上——不管是和阿莉森·海塔尔的纠纷还是他哥哥恶意的玩笑。你太神经质了,路斯里斯想告诉他,但他已经厌倦和伊蒙德交谈了。前两天晚上路斯里斯坚信再这样过下去他迟早会发疯的。不过一切都过去了。于是他郑重其事地去和他哥哥杰卡里斯出去喝了一晚上,直到凌晨,最后两个人都烂醉如泥。
“我不怎么相信你会真的愿意和他分开。”杰卡里斯说。
“或许他根本没爱过我,或许我也是一样。”路斯里斯平静地说,“我们没法继续在一起生活下去了。”
“谁知道呢?我认为这算得上是件好事。”他哥哥回答道。而路斯里斯对着他微笑了一下。结果那晚他喝得太多,在天亮之后一回到公寓里就趴在马桶边呕吐。借着生理性的眼泪,他终于有机会啜泣起来。他不明白为什么要哭,他只是觉得很苦闷,像是从���辆疾驰的马车上坠落到了一滩污泥里那样,而这也不是他第一次跌落了。但是从前他总有力气从泥泞里起身再去追赶上伊蒙德,如今的情况大相径庭。
路斯里斯在一片混乱和朦胧中回想起他们曾经并肩站在厨房里研究新买的烤箱时,伊蒙德将他手指上沾染的奶油和砂糖尽数舔舐干净,然后他们长久地接吻;或者是在浴室的地板上做爱,他分开伊蒙德的双腿,而他捂住眼睛轻声咒骂路斯里斯,最后两个人的膝盖都留下了通红的淤伤;又有的时候,他只是静静地抚摸伊蒙德,那时候他可以清楚地记住他身上每块骨骼的轮廓:比如他的小拇指修长又向内微微弯曲,弓起腰时脊柱和肩胛形状分明;伊蒙德在睡前会喝掺了柠檬汽水的威士忌,而路斯里斯永远不明白它们混合需要的比例是多少。至少在他们唇舌缠绵的时候,他能够品尝到这种味道。七月,暑假,他们就靠绵长的亲吻和无聊的爱情电影打发一天中的大部分时光。那一年路斯里斯越发渴求肌肤的接触,但假期结束后,他才能够毫无顾忌地搂住伊蒙德,将脸埋在他的颈窝里。他喜欢保持那种姿势,然后吻他的喉结和下颔。
毕业之后他们就用剩下的夜晚和早晨来温存,即使伊蒙德常常表现出嫌恶的神色——有时候路斯里斯只是不太弄得明白伊蒙德究竟在想什么。他希望从我这里得到什么?他一次又一次地在深夜里独自赤裸着上身站在露台上思考,身后传来伊蒙德在睡眠中疲倦的呼吸声。显然他们不缺钱,因此路斯里斯在第二年就入手了一辆野马,没有贷款、一次付清。他带着他驶上郊区湿润空气里的公路,音箱放着堪称幼稚的迪士尼动画电影插曲。在红灯下他松开方向盘,再握住伊蒙德的右手,指肚摩擦着他的指甲。伊蒙德转过头时,路斯里斯便用双手捧住他的脸颊和他接吻。那时候他想起《白雪公主》里的白鸽替一见钟情的男女传吻,但公园里的鸽子只会索要面包屑。他想要我爱他吗?路斯里斯试图在他紧闭的眼中找到答案,还是说他仅仅想要一个能够忍受他所有怪癖的伙伴、至少让他的生活不再单调得令人恼火?他热切地回吻他的时候,又会想到什么呢?
路斯里斯下意识地想给他打电话,但回想起来已经把伊蒙德从联系人里删除了,即使那一串数字现在依旧了然于心,他还是关闭了手机,重新坐回沙发上,打开电视开始对着屏幕发呆。直到下午雷妮娅打给她:“路斯里斯,我听说你们的事情了。”
“哦……”他说,“我现在很好,真的。”
“这周末是我们的生日聚会,如果你愿意来的话那当然很好。”雷妮娅说,“贝妮拉也觉得你可能需要一些新朋友。”
“我有朋友。”路斯里斯说,“我有我的兄弟们,还有你和贝妮拉。”
“贝妮拉希望你能来,你的兄弟也是一样。”
“好的,我会来。”他叹了口气,耐心地等待雷妮娅终止对话,然后开始数地毯的图案上有几朵白色的花,感觉依旧醉得不轻。
路斯里斯已经忘掉伊蒙德上一次溜走的时候究竟是几月了,但那好像是个春天,有会令乔佛里过敏的法国梧桐棉絮一样的花朵。他却还记得自己当时惊慌失措地二十四小时都守在电话边,甚至是毫无目的地在客厅里走来走去,最后路斯里斯下定决心要去找他,第一步就是在他家附近的公共电话亭里主动拨通了伊蒙德的号码。他紧张地不断用手指抠着打成卷的电话线。如果伊蒙德拒绝,或者是辱骂他,他应该回答什么?或许他不应该在这个时候打过去。
线路接通的时候伊蒙德甚至没有多余的寒暄,他只是说:“路斯里斯·瓦列利安。”
“我只是想问问,”路斯里斯说,“你没事吧?我很担心你。”
然后他惊奇地发现伊蒙德开口时声音显得有些沙哑。“没什么大问题。除了……噢,该死的,我被不长眼的司机撞到了。”他听起来不太愿意承认,“骨折而已。没有其他的事情发生。”
“我来见你。”路斯里斯说。还没等伊蒙德来得及拒绝就挂了电话。他气喘吁吁地拦下一辆出租车,一直坐到伊蒙德的母亲阿莉森·海塔尔家。那时候他还没有自己的车。路斯里斯在停车道上被一块凸起的地砖绊倒在地,膝盖上被刮出了两道伤痕。阿莉森出来开门的时候,路斯里斯发现自己还在发抖。她的下巴轮廓陡然缩紧,但还是侧过身体给他留出了通过的空间。
伊蒙德躺在他原来的卧室里,右腿上打了白色的石膏,手里拿着一包还未拆封的歌帝梵巧克力。路斯里斯跪倒在他身旁时感动得说不出话来,只能满怀歉意地拼命亲吻他。伊蒙德用右手的食指用力顶开路斯里斯的下巴,然后捏了捏他的肩膀。
“你又不是我养的一条狗,”伊蒙德说,声音促狭又不悦“没必要时刻都跟着我。”
“回来。“路斯里斯无力地回答说,“回到我身边。”
伊蒙德·坦格利安离开的第四个星期,路斯里斯开始频繁地被约出去。大多数时候邀请他的都是贝妮拉在大学里的同学。他猜想事实上是杰卡里斯授意她们这么做的。不过路斯里斯没有拒绝。他不喜欢参加酒会,坐在咖啡馆的角落里更符合他的意愿。第六次被约的时候他发现自己在约会的时候也在不知不觉地走神。当他注视着她们金色、褐色,或者是黑色的头发时,他就会联想到伊蒙德的头发,银色的,还有他使用的那种像是混合着薄荷与生姜的气味古怪的洗发水。有时连路斯里斯自己都意识不到自己正在将他们互相比较,直到他发现自己开始不断回忆他们在大学复合时的那次做爱,并且为此感到羞赧又窘迫。
他当然记得很清楚。他们在冬季游泳池旁的更衣室里跌跌撞撞地热烈接吻,路斯里斯的背几次撞到了身后的金属衣钩。伊蒙德跨坐在他的身上,紧紧握住他的手指引导他进行扩张,一边为他戴上“特洛伊”牌子的安全套。显然他有备而来。即便他明白伊蒙德不会希望他在这种时候轻举妄动,他还是伸出了左手去按住对方的臀部,皮肤又湿又冷。伊蒙德战栗着将他的手指抽离后开始调整姿势,直到他猛地向下一沉时,路斯里斯的性器终于进入他的后穴。特洛伊的蓝色包装盒掉在一边。
“你想要我吗?”伊蒙德呻吟着逼问他,在他的下体深入时弓起了腰背。路斯里斯又摸到了他轮廓分明的脊椎,他发现自己为此一颤,转而局促地把手掌放在了伊蒙德的腰边,觉得伊蒙德像是一艘在海面上起起伏伏的帆船。他也已经开始兴奋地喘息。就算他知道伊蒙德并不喜欢他在做爱时盯着自己看,但他依旧没法忽略伊蒙德颧骨的线条、锁骨间的凹陷,还有他两腿之间炽热的温度——这些东西那时候都令路斯里斯感激不已。“我要你。”路斯里斯低声说。而伊蒙德没有任何表示,他只是加大了动作的力度,很快就找到了一个令双方都振奋不已的位置。他低下头狠狠吻他,最后在高潮时狠狠抓伤了路斯里斯的后背。路斯里斯听到他发出一声称不上是满意或是疲倦的叹息,但它听起来如释重负。好像他们之间的隔阂也同时随之凭空消失。伊蒙德短暂地将脸搁置在他的胸口。至少在那一刻,他觉得他们已经和解了。一直到毕业为止他们一直在一起,即便他们的关系已经不如一开始那样理想了。路斯里斯每天晚上都需要喝一杯牛奶助睡——这个习惯从他十五岁后中断了六年。其实他也不确定究竟有没有效果。
“你又在走神了。”坐在他对面的女孩抱怨说。路斯里斯一时想不起来她叫什么名字。玛丽莲,还是玛丽安?他为忘掉这件事感到自责,又因为令人恼火的不断下降的记忆力闷闷不乐。路斯里斯努力丢开不愉快的回忆,却发现那些东西像是垃圾一样粘在他的脑海里。它们像是蒙太奇一样不断播放。
“你有过前任,是吗?”她追问说。接着他还没来得及回答她又自顾自地开口,大谈她的前男友有多么糟糕多么令人无法忍受。他装作正在认真听,再把手机里九十九条未读的广告和验证短信全都删除,再是电子邮箱和社交软件的红点蓝点。他把它们默默清理干净,然后喝完桌上加了冰的杜松子酒。他之前从不喝酒。
在冗长的约会结束后路斯里斯开着那辆红色的野马去餐厅见他母亲。雷妮拉·坦格利安四十出头,她穿着一条低胸的黑裙子。他们的位置紧挨着窗户,路斯里斯不喜欢从外面透进来的霓虹灯光,因此他向后推了椅子。雷妮拉对此不满地眨眼。她总是那样用眼神来暗示自己的感受。路斯里斯低下头,就像他上小学时为了好玩在泥坑里蹦跳弄得浑身脏兮兮回家后那样。只不过现在他的鞋子上没有干涸结块的泥巴,而雷妮拉也不会命令他去洗完澡后再来吃晚饭。
“你不愿意看我,路斯里斯。”她说。
“我……我很抱歉。”路斯里斯回答。
“你应该从一开始就这么觉得,而不是到现在和我说抱歉。”雷妮拉说,“我之前就问过你了,你在想什么啊,小路?伊蒙德是你舅舅,也是我同父异母的弟弟。而你们曾经都想要掐死对方。”
“我不确定。”他说,“因为后来我发现他也没我想象的那么坏。”
“他在报复你。他一直都在报复你。他想要摧毁你。”雷妮拉说,“他就和他母亲阿莉森一样不是什么好东西。她只想要你外公的遗产。”
“别那么说。”
“你还是在偏袒伊蒙德。但他从来都没有原谅你。我说过这都是他对你的报复。报复你弄瞎了他的右眼。”
“我不想聊这个,拜托。”路斯里斯回答说。
饭后甜点是布朗尼蛋糕。路斯里斯依旧为雷妮拉刚才说的话耿耿于怀,尽管她说的全是事实。伊蒙德嘲笑他和他的兄弟并非他们父亲的亲生儿子。一开始只有乔佛里在,因此他被伊蒙德推下了桥跌进码头的湖里。他确实是个混蛋。路斯里斯对此再清楚不过,甚至也并不后悔当时在还手时不小心刺伤了伊蒙德的眼睛。他不应该试图补偿他的。路斯里斯不满地想。他这辈子在伊蒙德身上已经浪费了太多时间。路斯里斯又开始怨恨起了外祖父,如果不是他坚持,他们不会那么频繁地见面,或许他就不会发现伊蒙德远远没有他想象的那样不可理喻,也不会不由自主地渴望他。
“你已经走出第一步了。这很好。”
路斯里斯含糊其辞地应付过去。面对母亲使他感到前所未有的无助。他一直没能对她坦白自己在十四岁在泳池里时就开始对伊蒙德产生欲望。几年后路斯里斯就学会了在夜里想着他自慰。他凭借夏季在泳池里的记忆拼命想象伊蒙德的模样来宣泄。清醒后他整个人都仿佛泡在游泳池里,身上粘着肮脏的树叶,还有混淆着汗液和消毒粉的冷水,感到沮丧又不甘。十八岁那年路斯里斯几乎是满怀恶意地将一只深蓝色的义眼当作生日礼物送给伊蒙德。结果两个月后他们就开始恋爱。直到两个人搬进公寓开始同居,路斯里斯才发现伊蒙德每周都会抽一支万宝路。他觉得他抽烟时的姿势出奇地慵懒又优雅。那也是他唯一勉强能够称得上“镇定”的时刻。“男人只因浪漫铭记爱情。¹”伊蒙德告诉他,“但我们没有浪漫或者爱情。我和你之间就只有性欲和乱伦。你享受这一切吗,小路·斯壮?”那时候他感觉伊蒙德像是被一根细绳拴着的风筝被关在玻璃罩下面。那根绳子好像随时会断掉。路斯里斯能做的只有默默听他暴跳如雷地诅咒阿莉森和他的兄弟,他抱怨他们千方百计地想把自己扯进为了财产毫无意义的斗争里。有时候伊蒙德则对着路斯里斯发火,之后又继续若无其事地和他躺在同一张床上,故意把腿放在路斯里斯身上。
路斯里斯再次见到伊蒙德是在他不辞而别的第十个星期后。他几乎每晚都在梦到他。真正令路斯里斯感到惊慌的是,他发现自己没法再清楚地回忆起伊蒙德身体的细节了。他想不起来伊蒙德肩膀的凹陷程度、想不起来他小拇指指尖的触感、想不起来他膝盖的形状,甚至没法准确地拼凑他的五官,即便他试图在自慰的快感中寻找它们也无济于事。路斯里斯绝望地蹲在盥洗室里,几乎想要哭泣。他感觉自己曾经拥有过的东西像是在海上漂流一样急速地离他远去。他在剃掉嘴唇上新冒出来的胡茬时发现自己眼窝凹陷。他的失眠越来越严重了。
在花了点时间镇定下来之后他以尽可能客套的语气打电话给伊蒙德的弟弟戴伦。对方迟疑着表示伊蒙德根本没在他们家出现过。“他不应该一直和你在一起吗?”戴伦说,“最近妈妈一直在催促他和你分手。”路斯里斯声音颤抖地向他道谢。他不自觉地开始在阳台上抽烟,直到地上铺的瓷砖上多出了一堆烟蒂。就像伊蒙德头一次把万宝路塞进他嘴里的时候那样,路斯里斯觉得自己的肺部在灼烧,但这让他稍稍坚定了些。他跪在床边,将脸埋进毯子里,那上面已经没有伊蒙德的气息了。接着他又走到书架边,用指头划过书脊,将它们一本接一本地拨出书柜落在地上。直到最后一本,粉红的的封面赫然出现在他眼前。路斯里斯将《茶花女》小心翼翼地抽出,它自动打开到了某一页,他发现纸张上有指甲刮划的痕迹。“而我应该教会你怎样去生活。²”路斯里斯默念。他是对的,没有前半句也没有爱。他用背德的叛逆来激怒阿莉森,并且乐在其中。伊蒙德·坦格利安从来都是这样的人。
两个月以来他一直杳无音讯。路斯里斯只在圣诞节时收到了一张匿名的卡片,那是一张简朴的折叠过的绿色硬卡纸,用蓝色的油性圆珠笔潦草地写着“节日快乐”的字样。他不知道它是从哪里来的,只是发现它静静地矗立在他的名片夹上。然而路斯里斯根据字母“M”和“h”末尾不经意间流露出的弯钩辨认出它来自伊蒙德。那一整天他都在反复思考这件事。伊蒙德来过他的办公室吗?还是他只是拜托别人把它留在那上面?他是为了告诉路斯里斯他们之间还没有结束——还是已经把它当做了一次简洁的告别?
他整夜都没睡,反复地在打开电视、切换频道、关掉电视之间犹豫不决。他不会承认他其实在害怕过于安静的房间,因为它好像不断提醒着他被厌倦了的事实。第二天凌晨的时候路斯里斯听见门铃声。他去开门后发现伊蒙德站在门口。他看上去没什么变化,只是重新留长了头发又把它绑在脑后,身后还有他的行李箱。路斯里斯目不转睛地盯着他看。
“我把天杀的钥匙弄丢了。”伊蒙德说。
“钥匙可以再配一把。”路斯里斯说,“没关系。”
“我又没和你道歉。”
“我知道。”
“你想和我上床了,是吗?”
“我爱你。”
“显而易见。”伊蒙德说。他开始脱掉衬衫。路斯里斯拦住他。“我不是为了这个。”
“把灯关上,我不想看见你。”
路斯里斯在黑暗中感受到他逐渐靠近的呼吸,试探着去亲吻伊蒙德的嘴唇,轻而易举地在脑海中重新描摹他身体的形状。舌头碰到牙齿,又碰到另一条舌头。他用指尖夹住伊蒙德的乳首,直到它们逐渐变硬,又抚摸过他的肋骨和腹部。就像他成年的那个晚上他们在潮湿的夜晚里头一次小心翼翼地互相触摸。他的舅舅握住他的手腕,缓缓舔舐他的每根手指。路斯里斯尝出了烟味和蓝莓口香糖的味道。他突然发觉房间里太冷了,但没有起身去打开暖气扇。寒冷和兴奋的感觉让他觉得自己清醒,而不是陷入了又一个淫荡的梦境。他正跪在从日本进口的拼布地毯上,以前所未有的坚定将伊蒙德压倒在身下,接着将右手的食指探入他的后穴开始不断进出。伊蒙德将头转到一边。路斯里斯感觉自己的手指被紧紧地吸附着向内推搡。他就像火一样滚烫。而人被灼烧时除了痛苦还会感到愉悦。路斯里斯小的时候曾经试着触摸生日蛋糕上点燃的蜡烛,但他立马就被烫得缩回了手。伊蒙德不一样,他想,我一直都在享受燃烧自己的感觉。
“你他妈的哭什么?”伊蒙德突然惊讶地问他。“被操的又不是你。你想和我做爱想疯了?”
于是他用手背抹过眼睛下方的部位,发现自己正在流泪。它们无可抑制地流淌着,然后掉在伊蒙德的身上。他开始啜泣。伊蒙德犹豫了一下,以路斯里斯从未感受过的温和动作伸出手碰了碰他的额头。他们身后的窗户透出了微弱的光芒,这让他能够看清伊蒙德的脸。路斯里斯观察着他眨眼时右眼僵硬的停顿。那只义眼戴在他脸上很漂亮,蓝色的。路斯里斯想起他们已经七十四天没有见面了。七十四天前他还信誓旦旦地以为没有伊蒙德自己就会过得更好。事实却证明失去了他一切只会变得更糟。他们某次发生争吵的时候路斯里斯称他为“令我神魂颠倒的混蛋伊蒙德·坦格利安”,伊蒙德只是鄙夷地微笑。“我他妈的当然清楚这一点。”他抓住路斯里斯的肩膀,“暴力狂小路·斯壮。”结果他们嘻嘻哈哈地笑成一团。最后路斯里斯将他抱在怀里,鼻尖碰着伊蒙德左边的脸颊。伊蒙德咕哝着捏了一把路斯里斯的肚子。“我应该走的。”他当时这么告诉路斯里斯,“我应该去费城,把你一个人丢在这要命的地方,看你像一条落水狗那样苦苦挣扎。”
路斯里斯在进入伊蒙德体内时决定闭上酸痛不已的双眼,至少那样会让他看起来不那么狼狈。但伊蒙德马上又要求他睁开眼睛。路斯里斯开始缓缓移动自己的腰身,伊蒙德闷哼一声,双腿夹得更紧。他握住了伊蒙德又湿又黏的手。伊蒙德很少出汗。至少在他的记忆里他的手从来没有像这样热过。他有的时候简直冷得像一条蛇,或者说他就是冷血动物。但是当路斯里斯凭借直觉找到他的制高点时他还是愉悦地呻吟出声。路斯里斯将伊蒙德的头发掀到一边,他抓紧他的手,好像那是是一艘暴风雨下的船上最后的一根缆绳。他们在高潮来临时再度热吻。然后在沉默中有些尴尬地分开。伊蒙德宣布他要去洗澡。路斯里斯找出了冰箱里的龙舌兰,又从碗橱里拿下两只玻璃杯。
“我不应该回来的。”伊蒙德把浴巾披在肩膀上。他啜了一口酒。
“我们可以一起去科罗拉多,只要你愿意。”路斯里斯说,“明天就可以出发。你也可以一个人走,但至少让我知道你还活着。”
“问题不在这里。”他恼火地拍了拍桌面。毛巾向下滑了一截。“我以为你知道我也爱你,路斯里斯,你可真他妈的奢侈,这还不够吗?”
“我从来都不知道。”路斯里斯也开始觉得不耐烦了。
“所以说你蠢得令我发疯。”伊蒙德一次性喝完龙舌兰,又倒满一杯,“我也想走。但很不幸,我发现我办不到。”
“我该说谢谢是吗?”路斯里斯想打他。他已经许多年没有这么想过了。在他十七岁的时候他们还狠狠打过一架:伊蒙德对准他的鼻梁来了一拳,路斯里斯则狠狠用手肘撞了他的下巴,他们从前聊起这件事的时候还会哈哈大笑着互相指责,那种时候路斯里斯会觉得释然。现在他只对伊蒙德感到一种前所未有的愤怒。他根本什么都不明白,路斯里斯想。伊蒙德从来都不明白自己究竟想要什么。真见鬼,他就是个自以为是的傻瓜。他早该认清事实。如果伊蒙德不是他的舅舅,并且是个女人的话这一切就会简单得多。说不定那样他们早就结婚了,又说不定那样他们根本就不会认识。现在他开始分不清哪种会是更好的情况了。
天亮了之后的两个小时他开始数数,一直到大致过了一个小时。路斯里斯起床后用冷牛奶冲了一碗快要过期的麦片——红色的纸盒上印着戴白色头巾的微笑女人,路斯里斯觉得她更适合出现在清洁剂的封面上。他又用肉桂、豆蔻、柑橘和迷迭香做了用来热红酒的香料。雷妮拉曾经建议过他在睡前喝一杯红酒助眠,现在他决定听取这个建议。伊蒙德坐在他对面,用汤勺反复戳着碗里的麦片。
“我们应该养一条狗。”路斯里斯说。
“我讨厌狗。”伊蒙德说,“吵闹又浪费钱。”
“你从来没觉得什么东西不值得花钱过。”
“我现在不一样了。”
“你什么都没变。”
“那是你无足轻重的判断。”
“我们需要一条狗。一条那种牧羊犬。”
“它毫无用处。”伊蒙德抿紧嘴唇,表示不想继续吵下去。
路斯里斯觉得自己已经没有必要和他争论下去。下午他们开着野马去了商场。去买明天的早餐,比如全麦吐司和橘子果酱。他提前列好了购物清单,出发之前还在最后一栏补充了咖啡豆。却发现那张纸不见了。伊蒙德嘲弄他的粗心大意,路斯里斯竭力克制自己的懊丧。过去他有时会觉得和伊蒙德一起生活令人神经紧绷,现在他已经开始感到疲惫了。雷妮拉在傍晚给他打来电话。那时候他和伊蒙德在审视牛排馆里的菜单,刚刚决定要一份龙虾浓汤。
“我看到你和伊蒙德在一起了。”雷妮拉的声音听起来担忧又伤心,“你上次怎么说来着,你信誓旦旦地说会放弃他的。路斯里斯,你选择了他,而不是你的家人。”
“伊蒙德也是我的家人。他是我舅舅。”
“那也只是'一半'的家人。”
“他昨天才回来。”
“杰卡里斯说得对。你已经没法离开他了。”雷妮拉叹了口气。路斯里斯用手摩擦着红色天鹅绒装饰的墙壁。我在腐烂,他想,伊蒙德就像是大麻,有毒又能够让人成瘾。他突然悲哀得几乎要窒息了,但说不上来为什么。在雷妮拉·坦格利安发现他们两个的关系之后路斯里斯也曾经和她大吵一架。其实他一直习惯扮演乖孩子的角色。那是路斯里斯第一次反抗她。他循规蹈矩地在雷妮拉的期望下读了她认为好的学校、参加了她认为好的社团、申请了她认为好的专业,却找了个令她最抓狂的男友。路斯里斯承认他当时从她的震惊和愤怒中得到了快乐,但那也没有持续太久。
“我要挂了。”他说。
“不管怎么说,你永远是我儿子,我也永远是你母亲。”她最后说。
“我知道。”紧接着他挂断了电话。
在纠结良久之后路斯里斯选了肋眼牛排,伊蒙德要了一样的。他知道伊蒙德憎恨菠菜,因此只点了鹅油土豆,尽管路斯里斯自己也并不喜欢。吃完饭后他们漫无目的地在商场里游荡。路斯里斯看到柜台里的戒指,做成了莫比乌斯环的形状,寓意着“无穷的爱”,他觉得那很滑稽可笑,却还是买了一对。
回去的路上他们遭遇了严重的堵车。伊蒙德不断用手按着唱片机的快进快退键。路斯里斯把他的手放在他的膝盖上。他抓着他的手。皮肉的感觉格外真实。
“你打算什么时候去科罗拉多?”路斯里斯问伊蒙德。
“我没说过我要去他妈的科罗拉多。”
“不,你必须去。而且要我们一起。”他的嘴唇一张一合,好像这些话都是自动从他胸腔里蹦出了喉咙开成的一大片花朵。你还不明白吗?路斯里斯想问他。他知道伊蒙德从来不会在乎他身边发生的一切,但没有想到他连他们关系里最浅显的本质都没法觉察出来。就连我们对彼此的爱所剩无几了。他数着座椅皮革上的纹路时想。尽管它曾经短暂地燃烧得那么旺盛。
“我们会回来的。我们会回到起点。”路斯里斯继续说。
伊蒙德狐疑地打量着他,好像是在确定这不是又一个恶意的玩笑。路斯里斯过去喜欢过他这种辛辣的眼神,但现在这只表现出了他的迷惑和愚昧。“回到什么?”
“回到这里,回到最初的地方。”路斯里斯突然想要放声大笑。他想要歇斯底里地嘲笑某样东西、某个人。在想到那或许是他自己时他的心脏颤抖了一下,但他马上又感到了清醒的愉悦。他曾经对着自己假装他和伊蒙德的关系一切正常,问题只是在于伊蒙德的任性顽固,包括他不愿意原谅路斯里斯这件事。根本的原因却从来不会在这里。他们早就注定如此,因为他们是坦格利安和瓦列利安。路斯里斯总是能从别的方面找到借口,但他也心知肚明这不管用。伊蒙德比他更傻,他甚至还没有一点意识——他那点可怜的眼光总是放在不到几里长的地方。现在路斯里斯下定决心要挑明真相,至少让他们两个都清楚他们的现状。
“我们会重蹈覆辙的,就像过去那样一遍又一遍不知不觉地重复,就像这该死的莫比乌斯环,换个方式又回到开端。”路斯里斯·瓦列利安对着面前的挡风玻璃大声说出了事实,他抬起手给伊蒙德看他刚刚套在左手中指上的戒指——一枚闪烁的银色金属圆环——伊蒙德手上也有一只——然后筋疲力竭地趴在方向盘上等待着由汽车排列而成的长队重新启动。
1.有说法品牌名称来自“Man Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only“的缩写。
2.原文为,"Who are you, tell me how to love, and who am I tell you how to live.",译作“是你教会我怎样去爱,而我应该教会你怎样去生活”。
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lucemondbot · 3 years
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jokes about Lucerys Velaryon x Aemond Targaryen.
*Transferred from Chinese, and my English is really POOR.
*Out Of Characters exists.
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lucemondbot · 3 years
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《朝你大胯捏一把/Pinch your crotch》  *Lucerys Velaryon → Aemond Targaryen ← Jacaerys Velaryon  *Pinch your crotch is a Folk Song from Yunnan province in China, which is famous for its interesting lyrics. *描改自原手书b站号Bv1iz4y1z7HZ。Orignial Work-bilibili  Bv1iz4y1z7HZ
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lucemondbot · 3 years
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Lucerys Velaryon x Aemond Targaryen
‘Little Luke Strong.’
*age adjustment
(by lofter @_黑莓缪斯_)
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