lucijade

[lucijade]

April 2020.

6th- hello, not much to update on. We can’t really do too much outside of the house because of the CoronaVirus. The stores are starting to only let 100 people in at a time, luckily Patrick and I didnt have to wait to get in when we went earlier (running errands for my grandma) but it's just weird. It's weird how much life has changed in such a short time over the coronavirus. 

The house is pretty much done, the more we stay in it, the more it is growing on us. This town seems like it will be really fun once this whole pandemic blows over. Patrick and I are getting closer than ever in my opinion. Spending all day just relaxing with someone, not needing to talk 24/7 is really refreshing and makes me happy being the introvert I am. That's about all the updates I have. Again, not too much to talk about seeing as I’m only watching Shameless (at the end of season three and wowza I love this show so much) ((OH I finished the entire Poptropica game, I know, I’m like 20 or whatever, but nostalgica. Might buy Animal Crossings New Horizons because everyone if playing/talking about it who knows))

29th- Again, not much to update on. Patrick started his new job at a retirement home today. About a week ago, Pat and I went to Target and he told me I could get whatever I want. If you love  Target, you know how excited I was. I am very much so a Type A person when it comes to how things look, so I was in paradise. I got things to decorate our bathroom, so our bathroom is pretty much completely done. We got the mian things, I just need a storage thing and cute decoritve bins. We went with a black and white patterned theme and I am in love. And I also got bedding that matches the bathroom theme. My dream little home is finally coming together and I couldn't be happier about it. Patrick also built me a backyard (And by me I mean Juniper). He cleared up our yard ((it was a total mess)) and put up a fence. Yesterday we went to Home Depot and got Edison bulbs to hang up out there, which I love. We are currently trying to figure out what to do with the floor of the yard, because right now it's all dirt and with a white bedding, it isn't going too well. I know we are going to have planters along the perimeter of the yard but we haven't decided on what to put in the middle. That’s about all the updates I have for April. Thank you for reading my mundane life, talk next month.

-jay.

[lucijade]

March 2020.

1st- The countdown is officially on. We leave in 30 days. This is our last month in Arizona. 

31st- wow this month has been crazy. As you know, the outbreak of the Corona virus started in late February and pretty much went downhill from there. As you know, we were planning on leaving at the end of March. And with everything that was happening, the end of March seemed like less and less of an option with everything closing down. I got laid off due to the virus so we weren't making any extra income. And then we called the car rental place to confirm our pick up of the vehicle only to find out our reservation was canceled. The car rental place was shutting down in a week. We either could go now or get stuck in Arizona with no place to live, living off of one income. We crunched some numbers and set our leave date to the next day- March 20th. We then started to frantically pack up our life. The drive was nice, nothing went horribly wrong which was awesome. It took 3 days of driving (because we got a late start). Got to our new home in Washington, unpacked the car and started organizing our new life. We did some minor renovations to our new place. Finally have everything set up and it's almost completely clean which is super cool. It's weird being in quarantine when you move somewhere new. There's literally nothing to do, no social events. Which has been cool and it hasn't too. It's helped us focus on getting our home set up and whatnot but now that we are pretty much done we are bored as hell. Which is nice for a change I guess lol. I'm excited once things are up and running again to set up doctors apps and do all that adult shit. Anyways that's pretty much the update, Coronavirus is running everyone's lives. Pat and I bought color remover for my hair, probably going to do that tomorrow out of boredom. I am starting my diet hardcore again-starting to get really insecure again so here we go. Going to try to do some at home workouts maybe during the quarentien. That's all. Thanks for reading sorry this update is lame- life got really hectic this month. Love you guys. 

P.S. I wonder how much the population is going to boom from this quarentien? Check back in December! 

-jay.

[lucijade]

February 2020.

15. Well guys. Patrick and I know what we’re doing now. We Are moving at the end of March ( when our lease is up). More information on it when it is more set in stone. But I can see my life changing for the better on the horizon. If all goes as planned, we will leave Arizona on March 31st. The countdown is on, we have 45 days left in this town and I am excited beyond words. My new job at Panera isn’t awful. I work with a lot of people who are at completely different stages in their lives’ so there's a weird disconnect but the job itself isn’t hard.

25. Holy guacamole, I work 7 days in a row. I’m on day 3 of that stretch and needless to say, I am already exhausted. Lately I feel as though I haven't been sleeping through the night, so that is very rough. Feeling like you’re running on empty is never a fun time. I am thinking I may be diabetic? But I am scared of needles so I am stressed about getting tested. Once we move I intend to set up all the appointments; doctor, gyno, dentist, therapist. I need to also get new glasses and all sorts of things that you have to do for yourself as an adult. Side note, while you’re reading this- go set up appointments for yourself! Self care is important and that all starts with your physical and mental well-being. I am hoping that when I move I will be able to start a garden (where we are moving is very GREEN) and I know that I will be able to decorate the house, which I am ecstatic about. Sorry this month is very sparse in my updates. We are just getting everything in order to move, making and remaking our budget which feels like a 100x over. We are packing and hitting up all our favorite joints around town before we leave. But, other than that nothing exciting is happening (yet). I made plans to see my sister on March 7th which is so exciting!!! I haven’t seen her since I cut certain people out of my life, but I will see her in a week(ish). I can’t wait to get caught up on all her 16 year old drama and her life in general - how I miss being 16 and having friends. Also, ((I know this update is very scatterbrained, can you tell I haven't been getting through sleep recently?)) I really hope that moving will help me lift this baggage of my childhood off my shoulders and maybe I can make some friends. I haven’t really had good friends since Summer ( my old best friend, do y’all wanna hear that story of is that boring? I dunno) and we were friends when I was 16, I believe we stopped being friends right before my 17th birthday. Wow, I haven't had friends besides Patrick (which he doesnt count, he's my boyfriend) in almost 4 years. That's pretty intense. Anyways, hopefully in moving, I will be able to make at least one friend, or at least have some new life experiences. Well, that’s all for me today. Thank you all for tuning in another month and listening to my word-vomit.

-jay.

p.s. 35 more days!

p.p.s as of March 1st, 30 days :)))

[lucijade]

January 2020.

8. The past couple weeks have been rough for me… seasonal depression, what can ya do? My job isn’t making it any better either. My new manager at the car wash is a grumpy man and being the empath I am, it’s NOT lit. Staying positive is hard when you feel like a hamster on the wheel… running and running all while making no progress. I’m trying really hard to get out of my current job but it’s difficult when I don’t know where I’ll be in a couple months. I hate not being positive but I feel like when you’re down and feel like life is kicking you ( as cheesy as it sounds) you have nowhere to go but up from there.

Apart of the problem I’m currently having is that I want to have a job that I can travel with. On that note- I think I came to the conclusion that I want to get more into photography and videography. But where does one start? Right now, I’m saving up to purchase some online courses and continuing to take photos and videos in the meantime. Hopefully this thing will get me somewhere, it's just hard when you're not especially great at anything lol. I’ll let you guys know when I figure out what’s the move… stay tuned! Patrick and I decided that we were going to take a trip to a different city for a couple of days to get a better headspace.

For once in our lives, we weren’t late to something. The story of Jayden and Patrick is usually summed up into one word: late. So when we left our house two hours early, something felt off but in a great way. We got to the bus stop roughly 40 minutes early, and there were other travelers there. One of them was from Australia and the other somewhere in England. We always seem to find people doing what we want to do and it's fun to pick their brain, it makes the possibility of what we want  seem so much more attainable. I wonder sometimes if we’re just too scared, people always say it’s not expensive to travel, and I kind of just want to pack everything up and say f**k it. I’ll be damned if I end up staying right here forever. I know it’ll happen, it’s just kind of a matter of how soon. Anyways, the bus gets to the station and we shuffle in. Patrick and I played Mario Kart on the way ( I kicked ass in case anyone was wondering) and then I slept the rest of the way. While we were in the city, we walked around and relaxed. We had a conversation we have often about how we want to get out of where we live. This time I think Patrick may be serious of at least getting out of our town. I guess we will see.. Our lease is up in March.

31. The stay in the town was very relaxing.. A much needed rest with our busy lives. On the trip, we determined that we are indeed moving. I quit my job at the awful car wash and began job hunting. I hunted for jobs for about two weeks and I was getting doubtful. I started to help my aunt Marie Kondo her home. ( I have been Marie Kondo-ing my life for about a year, I highly recommend giving it a try.)  In the middle of helping my aunt, I got a call from a bakery, I got a job! I start in a couple days. Patrick and I sat down and determined that I would work for 5 months and then we can leave our city. Five.. ONLY five! The means, theoretically by the beginning of July we will be out of here and I can’t wait. Thank you for reading this month's blurb.. Stay tuned for more! ( especially closer to July)

-jay.

[lucijade]

2019.

Never have I ever lived a year that I felt as though I needed to write about, but I guess there's a first for everything- right? On January first of 2019 I wouldn't have believed you if you told me I'd be where I am now. I was home visiting from college wishing I could tell my parents that I was too anxious to even go to my classes. But I didn’t want to let them down. They were so proud of me for going to college and ‘setting an example for my younger siblings’. So, I didn't. I continued to live that lie and I had accepted my fate. I was sleeping in my younger sisters bed because my room was non existent anymore (my siblings were betting on my old room before I even was accepted into college.) I desperately wanted someone to confide in seeing as I had no friends. And then I met Patrick. From that first swipe I knew something big was coming.

It was like an earthquake that happens before a volcano erupts, I didn't know if that was going to be the whole show or if I should stick around. And let me tell you, am I glad I stuck around. Our first date we broke into a park -the most exhilarating thing I've ever done. Patrick wanted me to see his favorite place but being the workaholic he was, he couldn't catch the park while it was open. Climbing over that fence, I had never felt more right doing something wrong. Normally my anxious self would have laughed at the idea of it but I wanted to look cool for this boy I just met who was so much cooler than me. We sat looking at the ducks as they swam around in the pond. Everytime I heard a noise I’d look all around because I was so sure cops were going to come and take us to jail because we were in a park after close, but I loved it.

The day after our first date, I had to go back to college. Patrick and I texted the entire ride, planning when we would see each other again. First week back to classes, I continued my streak of being too anxious to go to classes. This time instead of hating myself for my anxiety, I had someone to talk to. I spent all my days wishing I was with Patrick and not alone. Then, there was a Greyhound leaving my college town in an hour. I booked it.

I was terrified. Never had I ever taken a public transportation that wasn't a school bus. This feeling of adrenaline manifested in my veins as I downloaded both the Greyhound and Uber apps. I punched my cards’ information into the apps as I haphazardly packed my bag that was bursting at the seams. Greyhound ticket? Bought. Uber? Ordered. I had that same feeling of adrenaline that I had when we were breaking into the park. My moms voice echoed in my head telling me to not meet strangers online. At this moment I decided I’m not telling her, in fact I wasn't going to tell anyone. I know, I could have ended up dead and no one would have known, but I lived to see another day!

I got the notification that the Uber had arrived and I embarked on my journey. The Uber driver and I talked about how this was an unexpected trip and I explained to him how I never do things without a plan. He said to me “yanno, some of the best trips I’ve ever been on were unexpected.” The Greyhound station was scary, I was alone with a six hour ‘layover’. No one knew where I was going besides me and Patrick, I felt like I was on a secret mission. The entire Greyhound trip was not as bad as I made it up to be in my head, it was even (dare I say) pleasant. When I arrived to the town Patrick lived in, we went back to his apartment where he had my favorite things: Hot Cheetos, a green Monster energy drink, and a huge stuffed sloth. He cooked me dinner and we stayed awake all night talking. We did nothing but hang out that entire weekend. It was perfect.

That weekend was only the first of many weekends to come, I would not go to classes, talk to Patrick, then visit him on the weekends and repeat. After about a month of doing this, I decided I was going to drop out of college. I never really wanted to do college in the first place, I was always too scared to say what I wanted. I was scared of hurting other people's feelings, but I decided the debt wasn’t worth sparing someone else's feelings. A couple trips ago, Patrick had mentioned me moving in with him and I decided to take him up on his offer. I booked a one-way Greyhound and I threw my personal belongings in a bag. I decided I was going to surprise patrick. (great idea, I know) I got on the Greyhound knowing damn well I wasn't going to be back anytime soon. The whole time I texted patrick as if I were still in my dorm being miserable. Once I was off of the Greyhound, I ordered an Uber to Patrick's apartment. At this point he was catching on to my suspicious activity. I knock on his door at 9 o’clock at night. And then I just never left.

I was able to experience Patricks town through his lenses. He lived about a 30 minute drive away from where I grew up, so I had been here but I didn't know the ins and outs of the town. He showed me all these amazing food places, including this shawarma place right across the street that we admittedly ate too much of.

Eventually I had to get my horde of things from my dorm in my college town. The drive there is about four hours away from where Patrick lived. Seeing as we had no car, we were going to take a bus to my ex-college town and then U-Haul back down. We almost missed the bus there, we had to run a mile to catch the bus that was leaving in 5 minutes. We barely made the bus, and I was wheezing for a solid hour recuperating from the run. Once we arrived to my ex-college town we got Sonic, which was my guilty pleasure. After a couple corndogs and fries it was off to my old place of living. We quickly packaged all my things and took off. Before the long trek home, we stopped for gas. This is where I scraped and dented the entire side of the Uhaul, sending Patrick and I into a 40,000 dollar panic attack. Luckily, when we returned the U Haul, there were markings of previous damage in that very spot so we didn't end up with that charge. But, I was officially moved into Patricks apartment. It was now our home.

I've always been a self conscious gal when it came to my weight. I was always the heaviest set of all my friends but I always chalked it up to: my whole family was heavy set. Nevermind the bag of hot cheetos and my venti caramel frappuccino with extra caramel on the daily. Or if I was being healthy, a green Monster energy drink. (Yes the green part is important) In March of this year I decided I wasn't going to keep pitying myself, I was going to make a change. The way I looked and how awful I felt wasn’t going to change while I sat on my ass. I cut out all my sugary and snacky addictions right then and there. I started eating healthy and going to the gym. I was extremely serious and even more determined to prove myself wrong. I now occasionally allow myself some hot cheetos and even a coffee when we’re out sometimes. But I made the health decision that I never thought I’d be able to.

When summer time rolled around, I told my mom (keep in mind she thought I was in my college town this whole time) that I was going to move in with Patrick instead of moving home for the summer. She was weary but I didn’t really give her an option.I had to pretend like I was moving down here all over again, but I did it. I couldn't believe my lie has lasted and she still to this day doesn’t know that I was in this city for the first half of 2019. When August rolled around, my family was asking what my plans for the school were, seeing as I had no intention of going back to college. I told them that honestly I had no plans and that I was perfectly content with that. I have interests in many things including photography, videography, and traveling and I was determined to find something I could do in regard to one of those. Haven't gotten there yet but making progress.

This year has been the year of me making my own decisions. My whole life I’ve had long bleach blonde hair. Some time in 2017 I decided that I wanted short hair and bangs, so I told my mom this. As none of you know seeing as this is my first blog post, my mom is a hairdresser. A hairdresser who specialises in long blonde hair. While I was always thankful for getting my hair done for free (a treat some girls would die for) it wasn't fun not having the freedom with my hair that I desired. So, I bought some black box dye and booked a hairdresser appointment. Needless to say, I ended that day with a black bob with bangs. And I felt so cute and independent, not like the carbon copy my mom so wanted me to be.

Moving on with the timeline, Patricks lease was up. We didn't know if we wanted to move to Washington State or stay in this metropolitan city. We decided to stay in this town for now (leaving is a long term goal, just isn't in the cards right now). We moved to this two bedroom apartment which we desperately needed. We needed the space to go through our things and figured out what we had duplicates of and whatnot. Once that got all settled, I set my goals on minimalism, but that's a topic for another time.

I cut people out of my life that I had needed to for too long for my mental health. It was hard, but after doing it I no longer feel as though I carry the burden that was them.

I've grown into the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be this year, me 365 days ago wouldn't have believed you if you told me I was going to be where I am only a short year later. If I’ve learned one this year it is that if you want something, you need to do it. You can't wait for the opportunity to fall into your lap. You are the creator of your own future, so make it and make it sick.

-jay.