lxndrlvr

[lxndrlvr]

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ . ₊๋˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋

She's all I've ever known, and all I'll ever know.

Note : yearning, hurt, reminiscing, a burning feeling that most people feel when they miss someone that they can't have back, mourning. If I'm feeling generous, I'll write another part— to tend to your aching heart.

Pairings : Alexandra Cabot x Reader

‧₊˚✩彡꩜

A sense of helplessness, that's how you felt the day you lost her.

...

“This can't be! You have got to be kidding me Olivia!” You cried frantically, clutching onto Olivia's black leather jacket while Elliot held back, his hands twitching, wanting to step in and calm you down but he kept holding back. Someone needs to toughen up in this situation, no matter how devastating it was to watch you helplessly crying in Olivia's arms. You were never the one to cry this heavily, your sobs and heavy breathing can be heard all across the apartment that you and alex both shared. Not anymore.

“She's gone, there's nothing we can do—”

“You should've tried harder!” You screamed, kicking, punching her shoulders. Your hands shaking as you pushed her away.

“It's all your fault! You and you!” Pointing your fingers to them, hot tears streaming down your face as you tried to hold back another sob but you just can't help it. Not when she's gone, your Alexandra. My oh so ever gentle, Alexandra.

“You should've fought harder, you should have—” another sob broke through your throat as they both looked at you with pity in their eyes, Elliot had to turn his gaze away so you can't see the tears threatening to escape his eyes.

But you knew that it couldn't be helped, there was no stopping when it comes to Alex. No one could have ever stopped her, not even you. The chances of her surviving, was thin. Oh Alexandra, poor, dear Alexandra.

...

“That's cheating!” Alex scoffed, dropping her uno cards on the table while the whole squad erupted in cheers. Fin won against Alex in an intense uno card match, and as usual, Fin and Munch were the happiest people in the room while Cragen just sat there, watching in full amusement. A sight like this was rare to watch, his detectives, their assistant district attorney and her girlfriend playing uno in the same room.

...

“Alex, baby?” You mumbled out of nowhere, you and alex are curled up in your bed after eating each other out just moments ago.

“Hmm?”

“Would you still love me if I was a worm—”

“You're not seriously asking me that, I was inches deep in you just moments ago.”

“So you wouldn't?”

“What?”

“You wouldn't love me if I was—”

“Yes I would, now sleep.” Alex reluctantly said, shaking her head in amusement as she watched her girlfriend grinning, clearly satisfied with her answer.

...

“Counselor.” You greeted formally.

“Doctor.” Alex replied with the same tone of professionalism.

“What brings you here?” The counselor asked, her upper lip twitching into a subtle smirk as she glanced behind the Doctor's back, the boquet of pink carnations with tulips peaking out.

“A special delivery, of course.” You finally held the flowers out. Alex was the first to break the barrier, holding you by your waist and pulling you into a deep kiss. Your lips moving passionately against each other, while you almost lost your balance trying to keep up with her. Your knees felt weak, collapsing in her arms as you pulled away from the kiss, then hiding in the crook of her neck as you both laughed. Just another normal day for the love birds.

...

“One medium iced caramel latte in a to go cup and one hot black coffee with only a cube of sugar please, thank you.” the barista nodded, processing your order.

Alex stood behind you, waiting patiently for her iced caramel latte with her hands clasped behind her back. You both took the day off work, deciding to spend the whole day shopping in the nearby market. Half of the time, was spent mostly with you taking the initiative to talk about the surgeries you performed and explaining in detail about each sections needed, all while Alex bit back a smile. Sure, she's quite educated about the topic but she loved hearing it from your side. She loved watching your eyes excitedly lighting up whenever you talk about your passion. She's well educated, enough to know the procedures and instructions but she'll gladly listen when it's you. God, how she loved listening to you talk.

...

“No, Alexandra. You're on bed rest, stop disobeying my orders.” You told her sternly, watching as the stubborn ADA scoffed and huffed like a child. Ice Queen my ass, she acts like a 5 year-old child when she's sick.

“Can I atleast drink some cold water—”

“Absolutely not, if my mother was here, she would've spanked you for even daring to ask such questions when you're sick.” Alex winced, remembering that one time she saw you getting scolded by your mother for not drinking your meds on time back in college.

...

“What happened exactly?” Your eyes burned holes on the evident mess inside your kitchen, burnt towels and pans scattered on the counter and a guilty Alexandra Cabot standing in the middle. You had to stiffle your laugh at the sight of the (usually well composed, stern and strict) Alex, holding a plate full of burnt pancakes. You should be mad, you had every rights to be mad. The towel she burnt was new, and the burnt pan was one of your favorites but how can you be mad?

When she made all this effort, despite her busy schedule and not knowing how to cook. Yet somehow, she managed to cook a stack of pancakes for breakfast to make up for your previous lover's quarrel. If you looked closely, there were more burnt pancakes behind her back but that doesn't matter.

“I'm sorry” she finally said after a long moment of silence, and that alone, made you smile. Alex was a stubborn one for sure, but she was not the type of person to avoid accountability. She had no idea if Alex was apologizing for almost burning her kitchen down or the fact that she yelled at you last night out of sheer frustration. The guilt was gnawing her insides.

Grabbing the plate, you set it down the table and approached your lover. Then you held her hand up, inspecting if she had hurt herself— which she did.

“I didn't mean to yell at you last night.” she then started rambling while you grabbed the first aid kit, tending to the cuts on her fingertips (possibly from cutting the berries). And spent the entire morning making it up to each other.

...

There she was, years later. Your Alexandra, alive and fairly well. It took you a while to process that she was, in fact; not dead. You had to squint and wear your glasses on just to double check, it was really her.

“You look just as beautiful, as the day I lost you.” your world stopped, tears streaming down your face.

The sight of her kissing another man was too much to bear, a man.

As you stood there watching her smiling with another man by her side, you can feel the memories of your love slipping through your fingers like grains of sand. Despite the passage of time, your heart secretly still yearns for the days when you were the one who held her hand, the one who made her smile. The pain of watching her with someone else is a constant reminder of the past you can never return to, leaving you in a state of perpetual longing for what could have been.

With a final glance, you turned and walked away.

[lxndrlvr]

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ . ₊๋˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋

Grown used to

Note: jealous alex, ignoring, confession, fluff.

Pairings: Alexandra Cabot × reader

༘˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚

“Good morning alex!”

“Hey I got some take out, figured you probably need some food in your system after a long day” you said, smiling brightly when alex thanked you for your thoughtfulness.

“Flowers?” you peeked inside her office, holding a boquet of white roses. A habit of yours she's grown used to, until now she still wonders how you know when to get her a fresh batch of roses. Little did she know, you always kept one for yourself. So you know when the time comes that the rose wilts, it's time to buy her another. Just because.

“Coffee?” you'd peek again inside her office, always noticing when she works late. Sometimes, her cases are too tough that she stays up all night. But you knew it wasn't the exact reason why she's working overtime, yet you didn't question anything. She's entitled to her privacy, after all. So you learned to memorize how she liked her coffee, and that alone, never failed to brighten alex's day (she's not about to admit that to you but you'll live.)

“Rough day?” you asked as you entered her office, the smell of her favorite food filling alex's senses as she glanced up from the papers she was holding, her heart swelling with warmth. Her heart felt like it was about to leap from her chest at the mere thought of getting taken care of, by you. Something that was once a foreign concept to her, was now something she's grown used to, now that you're here. With you, maybe, just maybe, she can drop her icy facade and for once, just once, be herself.

“Don't be so hard on yourself, Cabot.” your voice snapping her out of her trance, as she glanced up and saw you peeking through her office. Letting out a small chuckle, you always did have a hobby catching her off guard especially when she's overworking herself. A little too much.

Once again, visiting alex's office, you peeked in as you were about to scold her again for working overtime, you saw her sleeping on her desk. Guessing she again forgot to lock her door. Her glasses were still on as you winced, thinking it might be hurting her, noticing the way it's starting to leave a mark on her face. Her hair messy, and she looked quite peaceful. If only you could photograph this moment and keep it inside your wallet forever, you would. You placed the takeout on her desk, taking off her glasses and neatly folding it and placed it back in her case. You crouched down, tucking a strand of her soft hair behind her ears as you smiled. If only she knew.

...

It all happened so quickly, after a night out with a few co workers, things began to change. You've grown more distant from alex, and it didn't take long enough for her to notice. You've been hanging out more with olivia, ever since alex introduced you to her, you've grown closer. At first, alex didn't pay much attention to it, but today, it felt off. You didn't greet her like a usual, no peeking through her door, no usual food takeouts. Nada, nothing.

Of course you felt guilty, it has only been a day and you're already whining like a child with liv. Not even a day in and you've been bothering her nonstop, pleading to spare you the guilt and deprivation of alex's attention, and drop the dare but she remained unfazed. It's only for a couple of days, it can't be that bad.

...

Seeing you with Olivia left a bitter taste on the edge of Alex's tongue, that idea alone, felt nauseating. The way you laughed and talked to her so casually whenever she's around, which happened a lot more than usual whenever she wasn't busy back in the SVU department.

Hugs here and there, you were extra clingy with her. And even though it seemed platonic, in Alex's eyes, it wasn't. She figured that maybe you were attracted to her, which almost made her lose her composure if she wasn't concerned about keeping everything professional about herself.

It took everything in her power not to snatch you away from Benson, or to corner you inside your office and force you to talk to her, anything to get something out of your mouth. She was so close on ripping you away from everyone that gets too close, to ask why you're doing this to her. You were driving her insane, she swore that one of these days, she'd finally lose it. Professionalism and image be damned.

...

It was bad, really bad. You felt guilty, everytime Alex approached you, you'll go out of your way to avoid her. Whenever she's in the same room as you, you'd turn away and leave. Whenever you make eye contact, you're the first one to look away. It stung your heart, more than you can admit. The look in her eyes whenever you avoid her, oh that expressive baby blue eyes. You're screwed.

Whether she admits it or not, Alex was used to having you around. She was so used to you, it's been two days already, and she missed the sound of your voice. Your presence inside her office, your smile, you. She misses you, deeply. So much so that she was willing to set her pride aside and talk to you, only to see you act so indifferent.

That very same day, you barged in her office at nearly midnight while she's busy packing up and getting ready to leave. Holding a boquet of white roses and a chinese takeout, hiccuping as you stumbled closer to her. Your cheeks flushed, clearly, you were in a state of intoxication. Smelling like wine, mixed with your perfume. Oh how alex missed this.

“Al—ex” you said in between sniffles, your hands shaking as you placed the boquet and takeout on her desk and pushing her back on her chair, catching her off guard.

“I'm sorry” you trailed off, trying hard form a coherent sentence despite being drunk. Hands clutching alex's button down polo as you clung onto her, as she held you in place by holding your waist firmly to stabilize your wobbling feet.

“What's gotten into you?” Alex chuckled, rising from her chair as she towered over you with her astounding height. Need less to say, you were a crying mess in her arms.

“I didn't mean to ignore you” you managed to say in between hiccups, while alex opened a bottle of cold water and placing it in between your lips, gently cupping your cheeks and made you drink. In which you obliged without hesitation, drinking the water down your throat as you looked up to meet her piercing blue eyes.

Once you were done drinking, she grabbed a tissue paper and wiped your lips. Your once tensed body, melted against her caring touch. She waited until you calmed down, then asked why you're drunk.

You explained that you were out drinking with a few friends, including benson. After a few drinks, you excused yourself and ordered a chinese takeout and luckily for you, the flowershop was about to close when you begged the elderly woman to sell her white roses to you. She made an exception, recognizing that it was the young attorney that always helped her. After that, everything was a blur, and the next thing you knew, you were already inside alex's office.

“I didn't mean to-” you paused, a deep sigh escaping your lips. You felt nervous, especially when alex was watching you with pure amusement. “I got dared to avoid you for a couple of days, since they somehow found out that I..” you trailed off.

A moment of silence

“You what? Tell me.” Alex said, unable to hide the mischief behind her eyes and the way she was smiling, something tells you that she already knows. She was just waiting for you to admit it.

“Do I have to?” you whispered, hiding your face in her neck.

“None of that, let me see your face.” alex hummed as you pulled away from her neck.

“Alex”

“Mhmm?”

“I like you, alex..” hearing those words, alex smiled.

“Now that wasn't so hard, was it?” she teased, causing you to frown. You pulled away from her, standing awkwardly as you lowered your head, feeling embarrassed to admit your feelings. Clearly, you've underestimated just how drunk you were because the next thing you knew, you fell right back in Alex's arms, passing out.

“I love you, my silly little girl.” alex whispered in your ears..

[lxndrlvr]

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ . ₊๋˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋

Let's get you home, detective.

Note: mentions of alcohol, getting drunk, confrontations, slow burn but not really?, angst if you squint, tension, sapphic stuff ykwim, jealousy.(!!??), misunderstandings.

Pairings: Alexandra Cabot × detective reader

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𖦹⭒°｡⋆

“You are under arrest for the rape of Kendall MacKenzie, you have the right to remain silent and to refuse any questions. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you....”

“Great job out there, you've really outdone yourself for a rookie.” well that was something you didn't expect, especially coming from the captain himself. Even the others praised you, and it made your stomach feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Being a rookie meant that you were prone to criticism, which meant that everything you did was monitored. Especially your job now in the Special Victims Unit police department (SVU) was no joke. It takes a lot to have the guts to work in there, good thing for you, you were not one to back out so easily.

As of now, you've already tracked down the suspect after days of trying to pin which one of them raped the poor girl. You were alongside munch and tutuola, which meant that you were always in between their daily banter and side comments. It was amusing, really. But most days, you prefer working alongside elliot and olivia. But that also meant feeling like you were third wheeling, which made you feel like you didn't belong anywhere. Still, that didn't stop you from tracking them all down alongside them. You were adjusting quite well, surprisingly you still haven't vomited from extreme nausea and punched someone in the face for being a straight up asshole.

...

Busy monday, tons of evidences yet still not enough to send that man to court. Everyone was getting frustrated, especially you. You were so focused on going over your papers over and over again, trying to see if you missed something small that can potentially help you make sense of it all that you didn't even realize someone was standing behind your back, talking to detective benson and stabler. You jumped from your chair, immediately flipping through the pages as you ran to olivia's side, pointing at every possible thing they missed during the investigation. Explaining in great detail on how you connected every clues and minor details, leading to you rummaging through your desk for more information. It was all finally adding up, you were so close.

“That's a good observation you have there” she paused, “I'm afraid we haven't met yet. I'm Alex Cabot, a pleasure to meet you.” introducing herself, she extended her hands to shake yours. While you were in a daze, just staring at her like a lovestruck fool, causing you to stammer. The papers and your pen falling on the floor from nervousness as you mentally cursed yourself as you picked up your things from the floor. Alex also crouched down, helping you as you introduced yourself, still stuttering. Olivia side eyed you, asking what was that all about when Alex was whisked away by Elliot and Cragen for a talk.

“No, I should be the one asking. What was that? That's Alex?” you asked in disbelief, you've only heard whispers about the ADA but you've never met her in person, that was, until today. Olivia has never seen you act this way, that's when it finally clicked.

“Please don't tell me you like Cabot.”

“I mean-” she cut you off “I'm not hearing you out, kid.”

“Oh come on!”

“You cannot be serious—”

“Oh you're one to talk” you interrupted, then gulped when she gave you a disapproving look. You felt like you were walking on thin ice, so you dropped it.

...

You're in awe while watching Alex in action, feeling massively intimidated by the older woman. Her voice alone, sent shivers down your spine while you paid attention intently on how she delivered the case.

“The defendant was charged with heinous crimes, the murder victim was seven weeks pregnant.”

“Objection!” a loud bang echoed in the court room, making you slightly wince.

“That was a nice try, counselor. Don't do it again.”

“My apologies.” alex replied sheepishly

...

Months have passed and still, you haven't made your move yet with her. Many have tried pursuading you but you've always avoided Alex like the plague. Something about that woman was making you stammer all over your words, so you decided it was best to keep your distance. But the latter seemed to take that you just generally disliked her, enough to keep your distance and put a wall in between you both before you even got too close. Of course at first alex went out of her way to befriend you, but realizing that no matter what she does, you would always end up avoiding her. She tried asking what was wrong, but you gave her no straight answers. Elliot watched as you fumbled over alex, he and olivia knew better than anyone, and by that I mean they know that you liked alex. It was painful to watch, to say the least. The amount of headache you've put them through, stressing them out just because you're too much of a coward to confess.

“Why do I do this? I always mess up, now she thinks I don't want to be her friend.” you pouted as you took a sip of your drink, it was a long exhausting day from work as usual. It was stabler's treat, just you and him. You reminded him so much of his daughter, and you needed a friend. Only, you suck at making friends so you just whisk off any parental figure you see to rant your heart out over some woman that you can't seem to get out of your mind.

“I really don't understand how you expect anything to happen when you ignore her” he started, then shook his head in a disapproving manner when you started to sniffle quietly.

“I'm scared, okay?” you tried to reason out

“Kid, you've handled crimes harder than this. Confrontation with cabot surely wouldn't kill you.” he said, taking a sip of his beer.

“But what if I mess up?” you said weakly, your eyes glassy from crying.

“You won't.”

...

You really didn't have any choice, not even a week later and you're whisked off to interrogate a suspect alongside cabot. Cragen specifically tasked you to stay by her side and when you tried to protest, that's when he changed his mind about letting olivia and elliot come with you. So now you're stuck with Alex, and you didn't know what to do other than fumble over the hem of your sweater. It was awkward at first, neither one of you spoke to one another, that was until Alex initiated first. You really didn't want to be rude so you tried to talk and keep your composure intact for your sake. It was by far the longest conversation you've had with her, and since then, you both went out of your ways to make small talks whenever you can.

The squad seemed impressed with the progress you had, and you were also quite proud of yourself for not being as nervous and cowardice before. That was, until you saw Alex with a man at a restaurant, where you were invited by your college close friend for dinner to catch up. The whole evening, you could barely focus on your conversation with your friend, you were practically fuming at this point. The way he held her hands, the sound of alex's laugh and her smile. It looked more genuine than when she was with you. And that hurt you deeply, and your friend seemed to notice the change in your demeanor so your dinner was cut shortly when he offered to take you out to get some ice cream. You agreed and you both exited the restaurant once he paid for everything.

Alex watched as you exited the restaurant with a man, holding you by your waist and guiding you out. Her heart felt heavy at the sight, almost forgetting that she was on a date with a guy. Now it felt so wrong to entertain him, alex felt sorry for using the guy, but she can't seriously let herself fall for the younger detective.

...

There it was again, and everyone seemed to notice it. Another growing tension between alex and the stubborn young detective, just when everyone thought things were going well, they were now back to avoiding each other like the plague. Olivia tried talking you through it, but you shut her out. It was a jerk move, yes, but olivia understood where you were coming from. So she dropped it, knowing that it was best to leave you to it. After all, you insisted that you're old enough to handle this.

But it also greatly affected your performance at work, you've grown more impatient than ever and whenever someone pokes you too much, you explode and storm out of there. You can barely focus anymore, but you're trying your best to maintain everything in control. It was painful to watch you go through this, benson, stabler, munch, tutuola and cragen. It didn't take long enough for them to figure out why you were acting this way. You're not even surprised anymore when you got called up in cragen's office by the end of the day.

“What's with you, detective.” he started off while you looked at the ground, feeling guilty for how you've been acting lately.

“I'm sorry..” your voice cracked, choosing not to answer his question. Apologizing instead, after all, it was your fault for letting your feelings consume you whole.

“Look kid, I understand that you might be going through something serious, but what's happening? It has to be something big that you're letting it get to you.” you couldn't answer him, it sounded too childish to admit why you acted this way.

“It won't happen again, sir.” you closed your eyes, feeling like you're getting scolded by your father for misbehaving.

“I'm not mad, if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to come to me. Take care of yourself kiddo. You're free to go.” you silently thanked him as you exited the room, bumping into someone.

“Oh I am so sorry—” you began, only to cut your sentence short when you realize it was alex, standing close to you. You cleared your throat, as stepped away. She didn't even spare a single glance at you as she entered cragen's office.

...

Alex wouldn't mind falling in love with you, if it didn't mean being in love with a girl.

You wouldn't mind falling in love with a girl, if it didn't mean falling in love with alex.

...

You visited Alex's office, alongside munch and tutuola to discuss something. You barely spoke a whisper, not even a sound came out of you, when asked, you would just nod or reply non verbally. The amount of times you caught alex's intense gaze at you, was more than you could count. Or at least her eyes never left yours the minute you stepped foot inside her office. When it was time to head out, you were the first one to leave but was stopped when munch told you to stay back. They'll just get something and will be back in at least 15 minutes, you were about to protest but they didn't give you a chance, they were already out. You stood in the corner, refusing to acknowledge Alex's presence. Her telephone rang, as she got up and approached to answer it.

“Alexandra Cabot” she answered, then her face lit up when she recognized the voice, belonging to her guy friend. It wasn't your intention to eavesdrop, but alex seemed excited talking to him. The sight alone was enough to pierce your heart, lucky for you, munch came back just in time to pick you up.

...

“You didn't tell me she was invited too.” you mumbled, gulping as you watched Alex from afar, talking to cragen about something. You scoffed when you heard elliot chuckle, having the urge to elbow his face for finding this amusing.

“Does that bother you?”

“You know damn well it does.” you murmured, drinking your cheap beer.

“Snappy.”

...

You were now left alone in the bar, while the others chatted in the corner. A guy approached you, while Alex watched from a distance. She overheard you refusing the man's offer to buy you a drink, standing up from your stool as you tried to wobble away from the man. You were evidently drunk, but the stranger was persistent. Before he could even grab you, someone already did, holding your waist protectively as they put themselves in between you and the man harassing you.

“Get out of my way, woman—” he tried to snatch you away when alex slapped his hand away and kept you close to her.

“I suggest you get out of my face before I put you behind bars.” alex calmly stated, holding you close as you rested your head on her neck, mumbling something incoherent.

“And who are you to tell me what to do, you little—”

“Her girlfriend, now if you may excuse me, don't ever come near her ever again.” she snapped at him before pulling you gently away from the bar, going straight to your colleagues as she offered to take you home.

You protested incoherently, you were talking nonsense at this point as you tried to identify who was this woman holding you close.

“Who are you?” hiccup.

“It's alex” she gently murmured against your ear as she led you out of that place.

“My alex or other alex?” she laughed at that, shaking her head as you addressed her as 'your alex'. Or is it her?

“Well how many alex do you know?” amused, she asked the younger detective.

“Only you” you shrugged.

“Let's get you home, detective.”

...

Fortunately, you were sober enough to inform her your address. Which led her to driving you to a dark and dirty alley, which looked very unsuitable for any woman to walk on, it was so dark that she doesn't know how you manage to go home safely in this alleyway. Once you arrived, alex saw a few gang members outside the building, as she immediately turned her car back around and drove to her house instead.

“Absolutely not.” alex muttered under her breath, there was no way in hell was she going to let you stay in your apartment knowing that those men were lurking outside the building, not to mention at an ungodly hour considering it was 1 am.

“Hey, this is not the way to my apartment.” you sulked, as alex rolled her eyes. Of course it wasn't, she was not going to let you step foot inside that building after what she saw.

“I know, we're heading back to my place.” good thing alex stayed sober.

“At least take me out to dinner first, miss cabot.” you scoffed, not noticing how alex blushed from your absentminded words. Still, she didn't comment on it.

...

You can't really recall what happened, but you somehow found yourself in Alex's guest bedroom, in her pajamas, wrapped under her blankets, inside her own home. You walked down the stairs, only to find alex with her hair up in an apron, cooking breakfast. She glanced up, her pair of blue eyes, staring directly at you as she smiled softly.

“Good morning, how do you feel?” she asked as she opened one of her cabinets and grabbed painkillers for you to drink, as you slowly approached her in the kitchen, sitting on one of the stools.

“Like I just got hit by a thousand bus.” you managed to croak out, good thing you brushed your teeth using the spare toothbrush she left for you upstairs. She chuckled at your antics, placing the painkillers in front of you, as well as a glass of water.

“That's what you get for drinking too much” alex said in amusement as she watched as you drank the pills, groaning at your headache. Plating your food, she sat next to you, turning your head to face her.

“Can you eat?” she asked, her voice gentle as she cupped your cheeks. You nodded, accepting the plate of food from her.

...

After eating, you're both silently looking at each other. The plates long forgotten on the table, her blue eyes scanning over your facial features, wondering how could someone be as angelic as the younger detective in front of her.

“Why do you hate me?” that question caught you off guard, your eyes widening. Her voice sounded weak and defeated, almost as if she was in pain, the thought alone, sent shivers down your spine.

“What? I don't hate you, alex. Who told you that?”

“No one did, it's just that..” she paused, then sighed. “Why are you avoiding me? Have I done something wrong?” she asked.

“No, you didn't do anything wrong.”

“Then why are you avoiding me? Why do you always run away from me? I can't understand you, one moment we're okay, and then the next second I get too close, you run away from me!” she snapped.

“Alex-”

“Why are you treating me like this?” her voice cracked, her eyes slowly becoming glassy.

You gulped, not knowing what to say. For as long as you can remember, you've always thought that alex couldn't care less if you ignored her, that it didn't hurt her one bit, but seeing her like this. It felt like a stab to your heart.

“That day at the restaurant, I saw you with a guy.” taking a deep breath, you paused. Then continued. “It broke my heart, alex. I saw the way he held your hands and how he made you laugh, I wanted it to be me.” you sniffled.

“I always thought I was out of your league” you let out a dry chuckle. “Is it selfish of me to admit that I'm jealous? Why couldn't it have been me? But then I figured, maybe you didn't like me that way so I distanced myself. Do you know how hard it was to watch your smile? Knowing that another man is making you happy, while I stepped back because I'm too much of a coward to admit that I have fallen for you. Can you believe it alex?” choking on a sob, you tried to contain your emotions as you wiped away your tears.

“I'm not a very religious person, but God, I dropped to my knees and prayed. I asked him why he was doing this to me and why does love come easy for other people, but when it comes to me, it felt like sin. I can feel my skin burning with every cry that I let out, this guilt is eating me inside and I don't know how to feel about it.”

“I like you, alex. No, I love you. And that's what hurts the most, because—” before she could finish her sentence, alex kissed her. Effectively shutting her up, her tears coming to abrupt, the kiss almost desperate as you closed your eyes and kissed back.

Pulling away felt like such a crime, but you had to eventually. Resting against each other's forehead as you both tried to catch your breath after kissing so intensely. Then alex chuckled, trapping you in her arms as she pressed a soft, tender kiss on your cheeks.

“Idiot, I love you more.”

[lxndrlvr]

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ . ₊๋˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋

Astriel's trash. ˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚

Alexandra Cabot 𓍝 - ˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”

Can't sleep?

Let's get you home, detective.

Grown used to

She's all I've ever known, and all I'll ever know.

.....

[lxndrlvr]

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ . ₊๋˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋

Can't sleep?

Note: insomnia, mentions of medication, fluff, established relationship, cuddling, working late.

Pairings: Alexandra Cabot × reader

🌊*ੈ✩‧₊˚

It's the typical sunday evening, you're busy typing in your laptop to go over your lessons over and over again, making sure you didn't miss anything. As a professor, you were quite used to staying up late to finish everything. It was a great excuse, really. You can always finish your work during the day, but still chose to do it during night time as an excuse to stay up, especially when you're over at your girlfriend's apartment. It took some time for you to adjust, as you weren't really a night owl. It all started when you caught alex outside your shared bedroom, sitting on the couch watching your favorite show. She was just staring blankly, which worried you. She didn't even realize your lingering gaze behind her, it was only when you wrapped your arms around her waist did she snap out of her trance and slightly jumped from the sudden contact. Immediately deflating in your arms once she realized it was only you, her exhaustion evident in her eyes. She closed her eyes when your lips touched her forehead, then to her cheek, down to her neck. Smothering her with kisses, which made her let out a soft sigh, cherishing this moment.

“Would you mind telling me why you're still up?” you spoke in a gentle tone, one that alex has grown used to. Ones that she craved during her vulnerable moments, your gentleness. A contrast to the harsh events happening in her life, constantly haunting her for as long as she can remember.

Of course you knew something was wrong, alex was more quiet than usual. You also noticed her being tense earlier this morning before leaving for work, her hands behind her neck. A habit of hers whenever she's troubled, poor baby.

“I can't sleep” she quietly replied, her eyes looked glassy. It was the first time you saw her in her vulnerable state, and your first instinct was to wrap her in a warm embrace.

“Something bothering you, hmm?” you took off her glasses, then tied her hair up in a messy bun. Taking advantage of her current relaxed demeanor, you pressed another kiss to her cheeks. Glancing at the table, you noticed some pills scattered from an open bottle. Melatonin.

Alex glanced at where you were looking, and letting out a long exhausted sigh, curling into a small ball inside your arms. How couldn't you have noticed? You blamed yourself for being so blind, it doesn't take a genius to know that those pills are her medication for insomnia. Alex was suffering from insomnia, despite having learned medicine from your mother, you didn't notice Alex's situation and how bad it has gotten. That even until now, you still felt guilty that there's only so much you could do in your power to make her feel better. Long story short, everytime you visited alex, you always made sure to stay up with her.

At first, even when you forced yourself to stay up, you always end up falling asleep in her arms. It was the other way round, alex couldn't help but find your efforts adorable that even when she disliked the idea of you going to an extent of staying up, even though you loved to sleep, it was nice to know that you cared enough to make efforts for her. No matter how many times she refused, you were persistent.

Your visits happened more often, especially when you knew Alex just got back from the court. You always brought groceries, and she always cooks for you. It's been months of continuing this routine, nothing changed much except for the fact that alex doesn't feel alone anymore. Sure, she was still insomniac but having you by her side eased her up. You had always expressed how grateful you were that alex is your girlfriend, unbeknownst to you, you were the best thing that happened to her. She didn't know what she did to deserve you, nor did she know what you see in her.

Back to present, as you were typing in your laptop, you felt the bed sink a little. You turned your head to face your girlfriend, smiling softly, noticing her drowsy state. She was wearing the silly fuzzy matching pajama that you bought for you and her, at first she called it silly, but now it's one of her favorite things to wear to sleep.

“Are you done with your tea?” you asked, absentmindedly pulling her in your arms. You closed your laptop, putting it on top of the bedside table.

“Yes” she paused, then continued. “Are you done with your work?”

“Mhmm.” you chuckled, what alex didn't realize was that her words were starting to become incoherent the more she spoke. Her drowsiness making it hard for her to realize her current state.

“Can we sleep now?” alex hummed, pulling away from your grasp as she watched as you frowned from the sudden change of heart. Alex shook her head, smiling at your antics as she pulled you back in for a hug, this time, she was the big spoon.

“Please.” that was the last thing you said as you both drifted off to sleep, the warm blanket wrapped around your warm bodies, glued together. A perfect way to end the day.