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Parallel Lives, the MD podcast, is back!
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Call for Participation in MD Research
As part of a research project conducted at the University of Nîmes, we are recruiting participants for an innovative study on maladaptive daydreaming. This study aims to assess the effectiveness of a targeted psychological intervention in reducing excessive daydreaming and the distress associated with it. Interested? https://qualtricsxmrvs6gbcwn.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9BwBmfAAFRVr48u
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ISMD Open Event - Thriving With MD
Yes, MD can place obstacles in our path to success, but with the right support and techniques, we can work around them, Listen to author Kyla Borcherds, Reddit Administrator and mom of 3 (including twin baby girls) Kristen Church and public interest lawyer Jayne Bigelsen discuss how they found success as advocates and as an author, mom, and lawyer despite their MD. Then workshop participants will be given the opportunity to share their dreams and goals as well as their fears about how MD will limit them. Next as a group, we will brainstorm ways for you to overcome, succeed in hitting your goals and even thrive.
Speakers – Jayne Bigelsen, public interest lawyer, MD advocate Kyla Borcherds, author, mom and MD advocate Kristen Church, Reddit Administrator, Mom of 3, and MD advocate
When – Date: Thursday, February 20th
Time: 6pm GMT/ 1pm EST
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You're Not Lazy, You're: A Daydreamer



So, you're addicted to daydreaming, to the point where you're putting aside important real life things in favour of talking to yourself. You're sitting there, watching life pass you by, desperately trying to fill the void with people you made up in your head. Your outer life is starting to look less and less like how you thought it would be, and the worst part is, there's nothing and no one to blame.
I've been there. In fact, when I was 12, it was so bad I literally didn't care at all about my family, I had no friends, and my grades were abysmal, but I was convinced I would be fine because 'at least I have my mind'. What I didn't realise was that I had lost control of even that. Now I still daydream, but I've become much more able to cope, and I can work around it to the point it no longer affects my day-to-day life. What was maladaptive daydreaming has become immersive daydreaming. If you're in the same situation, here are a few tips to get out of that hole for good.
(Remember, this is much easier said than done, so don't feel bad if this doesn't start helping right away. Also, this is not a substitute for therapy.)
Less daydreaming
1. Eliminating the need
I'm gonna be honest, this is the hardest part. Your daydreaming came about for a reason; it's kept you alive and safe for all this time. Daydreaming is a coping mechanism. The problem comes when it becomes your only or primary coping mechanism, and your comfort zone becomes so small that you're using it all the time. Start with the negative things in your life that caused you to start daydreaming. What are they? How can they be mitigated or resolved? What are some other coping tools you can use to get through them? For me, a big part of the reason was unchangeable (untreatable illness), but some of it could have something done about it. I started medication for my mental health, switched schools, went to therapy. Am I cured? No. Did it take a long time? Yes. But was it worth it? Absolutely.
2. Attention span and comfort zone work
Now that your negative situation is ameliorated, it's time to work on getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. When you don't daydream after a certain amount of time or coming across a trigger, you start to get restless and irritable. You're, unfortunately, just going to have to sit in that emotion for a little bit. Just 5 minutes. If the trigger is media or a conversation topic, try your absolute hardest not to let your mind wander. After that 5 minutes or when the conversation is over, you can excuse yourself to go daydream. Doing this repeatedly will slowly make your brain able to go longer between daydreaming sessions, which means you can function better in your outer life.
3. Don't limit daydreaming, expand your outer life
If you're anything like me, the thought of stopping completely makes you panic. This isn't a great sign overall, but if you feel terrible whenever you don't escape, it disincentivises you from living your life. Instead, start surrounding yourself with people: spending every evening with your housemates, having an accountability partner for work, going on walks in public. The self consciousness alone is usually enough for me to not daydream, so basically I'm just giving myself less time to drift off. Bonus points if it's an activity that gets you where you want or need to go.
4. Grounding
I know, I know. It's uncomfortable when you know that's what you're doing. I personally hate the 54321 method. But you know what does work for me? This one TikTok (I can't find it) where the lady in the video tells you to look at the corner of the screen and tell what time it is, then asks questions like 'what's to the left of the screen?' and 'what are you wearing?' That snaps me right back to the present. The moment you notice yourself drifting off, look at a clock. Then look down at what you're wearing. Then take a second to describe what you're seeing to yourself and do some kind of tactile stimulation (rubbing your hands together or tapping your lap, for example).
More doing
1. Life direction audit
Your daydreams are clues to what you want out of life. Use them to guide how you want your outer life to go:
How does daydreaming make you feel? How can you emulate that without daydreaming?
Related to your daydream self's career, how does it make you feel to think of yourself getting paid to do that in your outer life? What steps can you take to get yourself there, or closer to it?
What can you do to cultivate friendships that are meaningful to you on the same level as your daydream friends? If you have outer friends, what's the most realistic scenario that would play out if you said, "I need more (support/connection/in-person time) out of this relationship"?
Are there any significant personal differences between your daydream self and your outer self? Are you a different gender, do you have a different style of dress, do you have any skills or hobbies you don't actually have? Is there anything that you would do, if only you had the [time/money/energy/certainty that this is the right thing to do/ability to get through hard things]?
Based on what you've written down, make a 10 year plan, then from that a 5 year plan, then from that a 1 year plan. Once you have your yearly plan you have options: split it up into quarters, months, weeks, or some other way. Either way, eventually you'll want to get it down to what you can do on a daily or even hourly basis to make your daydream self your reality.
2. Do it daydreaming, but do it
Now, do it. Sounds way easier than it is, but when I say do it, I mean do it any way you can. Do it upset, complaining, bored, frustrated, scared, badly, adapted to fit your abilities, in a way other people think is weird, crying the whole time, late, embarrassed, inconsistently, from your bed. Do it partway, then decide you want something else out of life. Do it when it's easy, and if you really want it, do it when it's hardest. Do something similar to it if what you want is unattainable. You can even do it with one foot in your daydream world.
As long as you're trying to do what makes you happy (and I mean the real kind of happy, not the kind that's always tinged with the grief that it's all in your head), any amount of effort you put into it is worthwhile.
3. Incentives
I was going to say to follow your plan and not your mood, but that's really hard. What you need is to find a way to make yourself follow that plan happily. For me, that's setting difficult monthly challenges for myself and getting rewards if I complete them. The challenge makes me want to do it because I want to prove my inner critic wrong. Do whatever works for you, because even if it sounds silly, it's not silly if it works.
4. Check ins
Every so often, re-evaluate where you're going. I know I just said to do it bored and frustrated, but if the whole thing is boring and frustrating and there are no upsides, don't keep at it. Check that you're actually happy with the direction your life is going.
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And that's all I have for you. Remember, daydreaming can still be a healthy part of your life, it's the inability to stop it that's the problem. You can learn to balance it. I believe in you.
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I am trying to cut back significantly on my daydreaming and I’m wondering if you or anyone else has ever experienced headaches as a result of quitting?
Anyone?
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Why is that weird feeling that everyone else is a mind reader so common?? LOL
is anyone else just perpetually haunted by the knowledge that one day someone will find out? about everything? all the thoughts, daydreams, fears, just everything? I feel like its so inevitable despite there being no way it could happen
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Here’s the link https://www.youtube.com/live/TZPCwVWytO8?si=1xV3O6izommztojR
I’ll be there, very excited for this book!
(I am not the author, image taken from authors original post)
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I'm really sorry if I come off as idiotic or dumb by asking, but I'm looking for a bit of insight as to whether or not I may be experiencing maladaptive dreams. I apologize in advance if I waste your time with questions that might have already been answered or should be clear.
Ever since I was little, I've been an avid daydreamer. It's kept me from actively listening and storing away information because I'm caught up in things that aren't there. When I read books I often see them play out like movies in my mind, and I shelve away a few hours of every day to pace around my room while listening to music so I can see similar ""movies"". The only thing that's keeping me from actively seeking out more resources on maladaptive daydreaming is the fact that I don't really use it as a coping mechanism. And when I do, the daydreams I have are few and far between. I've heard lots of bad stuff about it; how it's like an addiction and often stems from trauma. I don't have PTSD or C-PTSD, or really anything of that manner. I can separate my daydreams from reality just fine, and I don't really make imaginary worlds so much as I make individual characters that I sometimes get caught on for a while before they fade away again. I made tons of worlds when I was younger, but not really anymore. I don't create people in my daydreams or talk with them, the things I see usually revolve around special interests and I can only really fluidly daydream when listening to music. Otherwise, it feels slow and blocky and my mind wanders. When I'm listening to music, though, it's like my eyes stop seeing and the music and the daydreams are everything that's happening. I've noticed I don't daydream im realism either. It usually takes the form of animation or animation styles that I've watched recently, some of which I prefer over others. After a really good daydream, I often feel very satisfied but out of breath because of how fast I pace. I'm so sorry for the wall of text in your askbox, genuinely.
I might just be blind and could be missing some really important articles that could save me all of this trouble, and for that I apologize again. I don't mean to waste your time. Any light you might be willing to shed on this?
Another similar ask:
Anonymous asked:
If someone were to have really immersive daydreams in random parts of the day where it gets you to have a physical or verbal response (I had an actual argument multiple times while daydreaming, this was a daydream about people i do not like and i was actually almost verbally responding)- that and it can get activated by just listening to music in general, is it maladaptive daydreaming? The answer to both is that MD is defined by it's negative impact on your life. The details of what you daydream about don't really matter. The physical signs (talking, pacing etc) can only point to "maybe".
Does your daydreaming interfere negatively with your life? Does this behaviour cause you distress and dysfunction? (rhetorical, don't answer here, just think about it for yourself) If yes, you may be a Maladaptive Daydreamer. If no, you may be a non-pathological Immersive Daydreamer. Here is a link to the ICMDR "measures" page, where you can find the (proposed) diagnostic criteria and the Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale. Hopefully these tools will give you a better idea.
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Does roleplay seem like it might be a helpful tool for some people with madd? Whether it be larp (live-action roleplaying) or text-based roleplay, could it be helpful as a way to engage with many aspects of the daydreaming that are appealing or creative, but in a way that is more social and can help foster connections, rather than leading to isolation, which seems to be one of the primary things that can be detrimental about living with madd?
Sure, a lot of things will help some MDers. The same things could make others much worse. This is all very personal. I wouldn't recommend it for most, but I also wouldn't deny that for some this approach could potentially be profoundly healing. If it works, it works.
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When do immersive daydreamings become MADD? I see a lot of relatable things in MADD community, but can't really understand if my daydreamings are just immersive or especially maladaptive. If it's possible, can you provide examples? Thank you.
Immersive Daydreaming becomes MD when the daydreaming habit causes distress and dysfunction. The behavior will have a negative impact on the person's life. Where that impact hits is different for everyone but some common experiences include: Not being able to stop even though you want to and have tried multiple times. Yearning for your daydreams when you are not actively engaged in them. Becoming angry when your daydreaming is interrupted. Choosing to daydream over other desires or responsibilities. Self-isolating and shunning social contact in favor of daydreaming. Continuing a daydream despite physical discomfort, pain or injury associated with the daydreaming behavior (pacing, for example, is very common among MDers). There are many other ways the "maladaptive" part can manifest, but I hope these few give you a better idea.
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do you think there is a connection between a desire to create and madd? because something i struggle with often is that i want to create something artistic but have no discernible talents or ideas and now im’m wondering if all that energy is going into my paracosm. thanks!
There has been some research which found that MDers are less creative than their counterparts, when creativity is measured by output. The study said:
"One of the defining features of MD is a difficulty with focusing on daily tasks and completing goals (Somer, Lehrfeld, et al., 2016). Thus, individuals with MD may have high creative ability, but may not be able to produce the types of outputs measured in the BICB, due to their preoccupation with daydreaming. Reduced creative output can be attributed to the maladaptive components of MD specifically, rather than the immersive components."
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Maladaptive Daydreaming and Memory
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Hi! Wanted to first mention that I’m so happy that I found this because I’ve been suffering from this for who knows how long and it’s only gotten worse over the years. Can MD lead to other addictions? Often times, whenever I’m drained, tired, blank, and numb from my MD sessions, I replace it with scrolling through social media and YouTube to make myself “feel alive” again. Would it be best to tackle both my MD and phone/internet addiction simultaneously or just MD first? Thx!
Research has found that MD is associated with other behavioral addictions, particularly Gaming Addiction. What causes which and how and when or if at all, is all fodder for future research. I would tackle them together, but I'm just a rando on the internet, my advice is to consult a clinician about the best way forward for you specifically.
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hey sorry if you've covered this in a different post, but how do you tell the difference between maladaptive daydreaming and normal levels? (also sorry if it sounds rude) I find it really hard to stop daydreaming and to tell the difference between them and reality and idk if I have maladaptive daydreaming or not?
Maladaptive Daydreamers have very good reality monitoring. It is not a sign of MD to confuse the two. If this is a struggle for you I would shelve MD and pursue alternate answers for that particular symptom, perhaps with the aid if a qualified clinician.
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