magicfoundmymavens

[magicfoundmymavens]

I really only feel comfortable posting here because not a single person in my waking life knows about this account. I think I’m going to be living out of my car soon. Again. I’m so fucking stupid. I’m 24 and i feel like an infant because i just want someone to care about me. I feel s o fucking alone. It’s been abuser after abuser after abuser. From birth to now. I don’t want pity. I hate talking about what I’ve been. Through because I don’t want anyone to pity me I just want them to genuinely understand. I want them to understand how badly I hurt AND how badly I love. I want to be loved back. I keep trying to be loved back and this hurts so. Bad

[magicfoundmymavens]

I just wanna die dude for real

[magicfoundmymavens]

Why is it impossible for someone to love me unconditionally. Why is there always something above me. Why do they lie and convince me I’m gold if in the end I’m treated like a pebble. What is so inherently bad about me that this keeps happening over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

[magicfoundmymavens]

[magicfoundmymavens]

“I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.”

— Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman

[magicfoundmymavens]

I mean surely we all grew up feeling like there was a wrongness inherently deep inside us that will endure for the rest of our lives

[magicfoundmymavens]

anyway you should always remember that all those foreigners you see dying on the news are just as real people as you are who have just as much interiority as you do. there is nothing about you that makes you more important and it is by pure chance that you are not in their position. in fact, this holds for all of history. every person, no matter the horror of the fate that befell them, had just as much interiority as you do. i feel like some people haven't fully internalized this.

[magicfoundmymavens]

“You will burn and you will burn out; you will be healed and come back again.”

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

[magicfoundmymavens]

unclear intentions. i want devotion. and also clarity

propaganda i am not falling for:

always moving on. some goodbyes need to rot a little. some griefs need to be held in the mouth like a stone.

beauty defined by algorithms. beauty exists in crow feet and smile lines

pretending to be chill. i’m not chill. i care deeply and inconveniently. i read into things. i write poems about eye contact

beige apartments with no soul. give me bookshelves and incense and loud art

sneaky links and unclear intentions. i want devotion. and also clarity

treating books as decor. read them. dog-ear them. argue with them in the margins

[magicfoundmymavens]

propaganda i am not falling for:

always moving on. some goodbyes need to rot a little. some griefs need to be held in the mouth like a stone.

beauty defined by algorithms. beauty exists in crow feet and smile lines

pretending to be chill. i’m not chill. i care deeply and inconveniently. i read into things. i write poems about eye contact

beige apartments with no soul. give me bookshelves and incense and loud art

sneaky links and unclear intentions. i want devotion. and also clarity

treating books as decor. read them. dog-ear them. argue with them in the margins

[magicfoundmymavens]

i want a mysterious source of income

[magicfoundmymavens]

i don’t think people understand how much of life is grief. not just people dying, but losing the version of yourself you thought you’d become. grieving the city you had to leave. the friends you lost not in argument, but in silence. the summer that will never come back. the feeling that maybe you peaked at 12 when you were reading books under the covers and believing in forever

[magicfoundmymavens]

I have never wanted anything less than the world for everyone that I love. For everyone that I have loved,too. I crave the ingenuity of simple things, birds in stone bird baths, purple clovers that are in fields of dandelions, the eyes of people when they're first falling in love.

I crave a waterfall, something peaceful. I want to roll down a hill, climb a mountain, drink tea on a dock at a lake somewhere.

[magicfoundmymavens]

Clarice Lispector, from "Too Much of Life Complete Chronicles," publ. in 2022

[magicfoundmymavens]

— Oscar Wilde

[magicfoundmymavens]

— soulinkpoetry

[magicfoundmymavens]

— 6:59 AM by Shane Koyczan