mayonaka-writes - Tumblr blog

[mayonaka-writes]

When people pass away, do their thoughts just vanish?

[mayonaka-writes]

I'm fucking tired of taking care of myself that I'm slipping these days. I'm so fucking tired of taking care of others. When will it be my time to be taken cared of? I'm tired, really.

[mayonaka-writes]

October 7, 2023

It starts again...

A new beginning amidst the hopelessness and bitterness, with lingering fear and insecurities... I am hoping for a better result this time. It's already a long overdue battle I tried to escape, I tried to run away but I failed. We're moving in silence this time. We fight in silence. We'll be one with silence hoping that we dodge evil eyes this time. Once again, here I am, hoping to win this time. No more escaping this time. I am winning this one, I'll win this one.

[mayonaka-writes]

It's my 5 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

it's been ages...

[mayonaka-writes]

with raging monsters in my head, looking up helps as the moon calms me—

[mayonaka-writes]

If everything is too much, go to a place where you can find peace... where you can just be you...where no one will judge you—

[mayonaka-writes]

As calm as the water in the lake—

[mayonaka-writes]

Worry No More

Problems come and go, don't stress yourself too much

[mayonaka-writes]

The coast is almost clear~

A reminder that problems won't be here to always stay, they come and go.

[mayonaka-writes]

What's Behind the Clouds?

The hope that no matter how big the problems are, we can survive and be bright like the blue skies.

[mayonaka-writes]

It was grey clouds fast approaching like the monsters in my mind, but the cool breeze pacifies them.

[mayonaka-writes]

as the waves hit the shore, no one is there for me, I'm alone

[mayonaka-writes]

Pinch of Happiness

"Everyone has her own source of happiness. It can be the people that surrounds us, the food that we eat, the luxuries that we had or anything that we love as for me those are writing, drawing and reading. Simple things that others don't mind yet they mean everything to someone like me. These are the little things that make me happy. These are pinch of my happiness ." Her words made a cut that runs deep in my heart. How can I ever forget how she loves doing those things? How can I take those things for granted when those things define who she really is?

~○~

2013 June XX

She was silently standing there at the corner. With those pleading eyes, she looked at me as if she was asking something but I looked away out of embarrassment. How could she looked at me with those tear-glazed eyes or it was just me?

Days and months passed and I never saw her again since then. I don't know when, I don't know how but I find myself wanting to see her.

2014 June XX

The summer vacation was over. The new school year has just began. It was the first day of school. Everything went just fine. Most of the times went by so smoothly. There were times I wonder where was she? But then, I just shrugged my shoulders and don't bother myself.

It was almost the last week of the school year. I had a feeling that there's something about to happen. The sun was about to set. The class was already dismissed. Everyone rushed to fix their things maybe they were excited to go home, to go on their dates or to go anywhere. I was already at the ground floor when I saw a glimpse of a lady wearing a white, long sleeve blouse and a knee-length skirt with black, red and white print.

"Let's go?"

AJ asked so I hurriedly walk towards my friends. The sun already kissed the horizon. Darkness hovers. The yellowish somewhat orange-y street lights were the only source of light. The sky was a mix of orange yellow, black, blue and a tinge of pink or peach. Those hues were my favorite with no particular reason.

2015 XXXX XX

;

[mayonaka-writes]

2019 January 21

Every night I cried myself to sleep since August last year until now. I cried myself to sleep so my eyes would be tired and close voluntarily. I hate the idea of bottling up emotion in which it results of me talking a lot most of the time. If I'm angry, I will vent that emotion right away same as if I'm sad, happy, lonely or what. I know that I always lie to myself. I know that everything isn't true yet I can't stop myself believing that it is. My defense mechanism probably and that is one of the things that I hated about myself. I hate everything about me, I hate how I can't control my emotions. I hate that I always mind others before myself. I hate how I see myself now. I hate that it took me one year and almost one month to realize how I messed up with my own life. I regret being careless about choosing my profession. I regret being like this. I regret choosing to be one. I regret being one because it's crystal clear that I am not a good one, I will never be a good one and damn me for hoping that I will be one. I hate everything. I hate it. I hate how I ruined my life. I regret wasting my time walking on the wrong path. I regret wasting my time chasing a cursed dream. I regret wasting my time doing things that worsen my situation. I regret everything. I regret everything. I regret everything about my life.

[mayonaka-writes]

;

Breakdown is one of the things that I need to avoid because it's dangerous. It's dangerous for my mental and physical health. It will break all the bars I put around those greedy monsters in my head. It will break everything that's holding them, that's taming them. It will ruined everything that I build for myself. Right now, it frightens me 'cause my anxiety visits me every once in awhile now. In my waking days, when I'm eating, when I'm walking, when I’m talking to people, when I’m standing in front of a crowd and even when I'm not talking at all. Dark clouds were lurking above my head these past few days. It frightens me, because as much as I want to know myself, I only knew the symptoms and signs whenever I'm on the brink of self destruction, whenever I'm near my breakdowns or whenever I've reached my limits. I've been quiet and not on my usual self for quite some time now. It's terrifying I must say 'cause it seems like a calm sea before a raging storm. This body is slowly giving up manifesting different signs. Those unstable emotions, frequent chest pain, head aches and labored breathing. I know what's about to come. I want to avoid it. Not now, never, never will I wish to suffer from another mental breakdown, never will I want it again 'cause I know, this time everything will be different. There is no one who knows how to calm me this time. There is no one who will hug me with my pains and scars. There is no one who will get those sharp, pointed things off of my hand. There is no one because no one knows what's with me, no one understands my actions and my words, no one understands me not my friends nor my family. No one.

Hey you, you who wrote this and probably the same you who is currently reading this. Everything will pass. Everything will go in the past. Your strong and brave enough to overcome everything. You can do it. If ever you can't avoid it, try to lessen the damage. Try not to go back to zero. Trust yourself, you can do it.

14 December 2018

[mayonaka-writes]

Unfair

14 December 2018

They really are selfish, and I witness that today. They only think of themselves, what about me? What about my feelings? They only talk about themselves, their feelings, their opinions and other whatnots. It’s unfair 'cause I'm hurting and they aren't. I'm suffering while they are enjoying. I'm quiet and they're noisy. Unfair. It really is unfair. Unfair on my part because I did everything, I gave my everything while they don't. I did my part while they don't even try to bother. They have the guts to question my decision while I don't have to do the same on them. I only stated facts, while they stated complaints. Unfair. They never bother asking me if I'm alright, if I'm okay while I keep on asking them if they are fine. They never bother to try to understand me and my situation while here I am hurting and suffering just to understand everything about them. Unfair. It really is unfair because, while they are busy on themselves, I am busy watching them secretly. Unfair isn't it? One cry from them and I felt like I am the worst person in the world. Just seeing them cry made me feel worst when in fact its not my fault but theirs. Unfair.

[mayonaka-writes]

Changes

The only word that frightens the hell out of me. I'm afraid of the things that change, of the people that change. I'm afraid of everything that changes specially if I'm already comfortable with it. It has been ages since I took the first step, the risk to accept change in my life. I remember the sleepless nights I spent thinking of what ifs and could have beens. I remember how my anxiety embraces me that time. I remember how terrified I am that I could even take a single step without thinking negative things. I remember how the gastric juices in my stomach hurt me whenever I think of failure. I remember how I hardly cried myself to sleep every 5 in the morning. I remember how many withdrawal syndromes I manifest every day. I remember how I stare at my wrists thinking how to stop those monsters in my head. I remember how I started to plan everything if things go wrong. I remember everything like it happens today. As I took another risk to accept change in my life, as I decide to do the only thing that I think is the best for everyone, I already gather enough courage. I'm ready to face this change. There's no stepping back. There's no what ifs and could have beens. For the first time in my life, I'm not doubting my decision. Maybe I've reached my limit for me to be this sure. Anyways, congratulations self. You're already this brave. May your best today be your worst in the future.

2018 December 12