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I'm not sure how I found myself in 2023 being a silent Swiftie... (Blank Space girlie fureva)

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Hello again, tumblr!

It's 2023... and the last time I wrote in this was around New Years Eve for 2020. What's happened since then?

2020 - Hudson and I were living in NJ with my parents and older brother. I celebrated my 29th birthday at the bowling alley in Wallington with friends and cousins. I visit Gabby and Allyssa in DC right before hit the global pandemonium. My brother and I both worked in logistics operations at the time and were working in-person while many took to working from home. I remember being pretty envious of people who were able to be remote, and some who got to travel out of it. But it was such a twisted time, as so many were really holding it together in hospitals. Vaccinations were a thing, though a controversial topic apparently. I know people who lost people. My parents lost friends. Throughout that year I worked mostly. Later in the fall, began to spend time with just my cousins when dining opened back up-- outdoors and socially distanced of course. In the end tail of the summer I started doing online workouts with Chloe Ting, a youtuber, and ended up losing a deal of weight. My cousin Justine had gotten engaged-- the first of the younger cousins to get married (to follow in 2021). Work was rough, a tough crowd. I learned I wasn't good at managing a team. I left logistics ops (HR) to work in the NY office in the fall. Holidays were different that year. Everything was.

2021 - Things really started opening up. I celebrated my 30th birthday with Mitsuwa lunch and a workout at OT, and earlier my girlie cousins and I went to Domo Domo. In March, Shalane, Adrian and Simba moved to Vermont. I met my trainer, Anthony at 24H Fitness in April. Justine celebrated her bachelorette party in NYC (The Roxy, custom perfumes, Boucherie). Their wedding took place in Long Island. Kelly, Hudson and I visit Vermont later that summer for Adrian's proposal and officiating their civil ceremony. Hudson and I moved to an apartment in Brooklyn near East Williamsburg with Jelly (371 glory days). I dated a bunch (hello hinge and bumble). Mia visited in October! Jelly showed me the Brooklyn Museum, we went to NYBG, Hometown Hot Pot, Caffe Palermo (Cannoli King!), Anthony and Sons, Graham Ave... Ok I'm getting sad reminiscing on the wonderful memories. Tarot cards for fun, angel numbers, Case Kenny... I visit Austin a couple of times and Jelly joined me for one of them.

Oh and on NYE we celebrated in our pajamas and in our apartment, and woke up with Covid the next day. :)

2022 - I cried on the subway earlier in this year... lol. I celebrated my birthday by doing a boudoir shoot based in Greenpoint right off of McCarren. I met Francisco on hinge. I spent a lot of time between Long Island where he lived, Brooklyn, and NJ. I visit Seattle for the first time 2x since moving back/the pandemic. I started a new position as an HR Specialist focused on data. I was Shalane's best woman in her wedding and planned her bachelorette party in Cape Cod and bridal shower. Hudson was the dog of honor, too (wipes sweat from face). With the help of my family, I purchased a condo in North NJ and moved again, hopefully for a while. Later that year, Marcole and Jourdave became engaged. Cisco and I went on a few trips including one to visit his family in FL.

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2020

Wow! I forgot to make this a big deal, so here’s my “making this a big deal” post. In my late twenties, New Years Eve lost the luster of the same magical feeling it used to have when I was a kid. I think it comes with the territory of expectation and what tv and movies make us think is supposed to happen. Yet even though all was lost in the anticipation, when midnight hit and balloons were popping all around me (family tradition)-- I felt a spark, like we’ve arrived. 

It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings. 

I want to reflect quickly on the past ten years because I’m so proud and amazed of everything, the ups and the downs... and how excited I am because I know the best days of my life have still yet to happen. 

2010 - I started my job at the student centers at Rutgers and completed my first year of college. I had my first alcoholic drink this year, too... it was a jungle juice with an R-rated name. 

2011 - This was a big year for me in terms of manifesting independence (as much as a college kid can). I struggled with my identity a lot in college having been immersed in a fairly conservative community throughout high school. I went to the Philippines this year for the second time in my life and saw first hand where ad how my parents grew up. I joined a sorority and made friends. I lived in the Rockoff apartments and celebrated 11/11/11. 

2012 - This was the year CAF formed. I spent a portion of this year having fun in [what I’ll call] a relationship for lack of better words, but ended on an extremely toxic note and haunted me for a while. 

2013 - I graduated college this year. I applied for dozens of paralegal jobs thinking I wanted to keep going in that direction, and one HR job. After landing the HR job, the rest was history! I started working in the city in the Chelsea Market basement at Hale and Hearty. I had a ton of fun times galavanting in the city with my friends who either lived or also worked in the city, all whom I still call friends today! Allyssa, Gabby, Jelly, Bern. 

2014 - My dad’s been sick all my life growing up, but this was the year he had a stroke and survived. He was in rehab and therapy for a few months and we visit the center every day for a while. That’s probably the only notable thing I remember about this year. Looking back on my childhood I have a lot of fond memories of my dad being around and taking care of my brother and me both with time, resources, care-- but after his stroke, I felt like the four of us really became conscious of our commitment to one another and relationship as a family, which continues on in our lives today. everything before that seems almost like it didn’t happen. 

2015 - In 2015, I was in my first serious relationship (and it was long distance-- Texas). It didn’t work out but what manifested instead was an appreciation and realization of just how much love I’m capable of giving and receiving (I’m still often in awe when I look back at this). I am a firm believer that certain people just may not bring out the best qualities in you, but there will be people out there who can and will and you have to attract and keep those. I also started working for Amazon this year as an L3 HR Assistant. 

2016 - I moved out of home for the first time since college. I visit Brazil with friends. I received my first Amazon promotion as well. 

2017 - I moved across the country as I transferred to a new job within Amazon. I landed an HR Business Partner job at corporate (dream job at the time!). I adopted my best pal Hudson (the dog) in this year and he’s my favorite soul forever. I signed two leases that year at the Queensborough and Vivid Apartments, both in Lower Queen Anne near Key Arena. I vividly remember wanting to live downtown because I don’t know when else I might be able to. 

2018 - I lived in Seattle all of 2018 and shipped my car out in that year. My family and I visit Europe for the first time, funded mostly by my brother and me. It was the first family trip we’ve taken since we were kids on road-trips with our parents in the mini van. Rome, Capri, Paris and Barcelona. The Europe bug hits hard because I fell in love and constantly plan going back. On an honest note, 2018 was a little rough for me-- I think I was depressed but didn’t know it at the time. Whether it was loneliness, living paycheck to paycheck, I’m not entirely sure but it showed in my willingness to do things (or lack of), and I also gained the most weight that year despite trying personal training for the first time. 

2019 - I moved in with a roommate at the start of 2019 and she became one of my best friends (Mia!). We had a lot of fun with edibles (legal in WA), food adventures, our weekly routines, and feeding off each other’s energy. I promoted for the second time within Amazon at the start of 2019. I truly traveled alone for the first time this year. This was also the year I started watching Peaky Blinders and I don’t think I’ve ever loved a tv show more. I visit Sedona for the first time, Paris again and London, too and traveled a lot for work. I ended the year taking a new position within Amazon in the field/fulfillment and distribution side of the business and moved back home to NJ with big goals for the next five-ten years. 2019 I started to become more intentional about the things, people and energy surrounding me. This was also the year I wanted to take a more humble approach to life and relationships. I also feel I started walking into my self-confidence this year especially in my business matters, translating over from my personal life. I became more waste-conscious, health conscious (vegetarian for 4 weeks!) and look to manifest more of that ahead. I also started praying again and look forward to having a relationship with God. 

2020 - Bring it on! 

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Any hunch how many notes I write to you and never send?

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Complaining in my world straddles between the line of an unwillingness to understand and lack of gratefulness.

Edit: or stubbornness to accept the reasons explained to you.

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single and in love

(in my late twenties)

I still get from people what I can only hope are rhetorical questions, thoughtlessly: “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” or “why are you single?” and I get frustrated because either that is a really backwards way to compliment someone or people really go around thinking maybe a relationship is something you can buy or generate or create or cast a spell upon yourself. Ask anyone in a damn relationship.. it’s not. Is it a choice though? Let me get to that later.. Up until recent, these questions would annoy me because it reinforced this subconscious feeling that I’m always going to be incomplete until a man and I fall in love. Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me? Maybe some people have come to terms with this faster, but read on for mine.

I’m lapping through my second year in Seattle and to be honest I’m swollen with self disappointment. I spent my last year fully invested in my job, my dog, and trying to make ends meet independently— so much so that from the outside looking in I don’t even recognize myself most days. I struggle with meaningful relationships, spending time in my passionate space, feeling like I belong. Keep reading.

People will also ask me all the time why did I move and the answer is simple: I knew in my heart of hearts my growth depended on it. Both personal and career. And the fact that this new environment has already shattered me in a way I don’t recognize myself tells me this: I have such a long way to go.

A year and a half ago, back in NJ, I think I was starting to fall in love. And at the same time— I was leading myself right into a train wreck. Because I was falling in love with someone with tunnel vision on investing in himself. And seeing him get on his train made me realize this— his train was only big enough for his own dreams, and so he was going to leave without me. It reminded me that no one is going to carry my goals but myself so I need to apply that same focus back in everything I do— no matter where it takes me!

So ask me again “why are you single?” or “why don’t you have a boyfriend” — maybe two years ago I’d say it’s because the person I’ve fallen for doesn’t want to be with me, therefore it’s far from a choice. It isn’t just a wish the genie in a bottle can make come true— If it were maybe he wouldn’t be the guy I left behind. Ask me today: I may be single, but it’s because the person I’ve fallen for inspires me to choose to nurture everything in this life I want for myself and my future. 

I’ve lost pieces of me in different ways since being in a new environment, it’s strange to say, but I see myself more clear every time I think of the men I’ve fallen for who choose themselves first. 

All the while, love itself, and sharing everything I have in this life with someone else, growing a family — these will always be included as one of the biggest aspirations I set for myself.

And that’s the way it will be until our trains meet at the crossroads, where we aren’t scheduled to crash and instead of feeling like I don’t have a choice in the matter, I’ll know like I know now, I do.

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Some people with quiet personalities crave so much attention. Some people with such loud ones would rather sit in silence.

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things different but exactly the same

Ten years ago I was still in high school, which is a solid reminder that I’m still pretty young. Here’s what I’m proud of learning

• different does not mean wrong

• deep down our souls never really change

• love is love is love is love

• learning what isn’t for you is just as important (if not more) as learning what is

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I want to love and be loved like the sun loves the moon.. it does in such a way for all the world to see but never asks for it in return.

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thoughts on my move (8 months)

I’m sitting on my second, possibly third-hand couch in my studio apartment with my dog cuddled up against me and I can’t believe I’ve been “living” in Seattle for over eight months now.. I just had one of those moments where I feel so removed from my physical being and I literally look up and realize I’m entirely across the country from everything I know.. I have a dog.. working the job of my post-collegiate dreams..

Some days I have to blink thrice ‘cause things don’t feel different at all. Emotionally all my important relationships are the same. Some days I wake up and I can count my blessings exceed the amount of dollars in my bank account. Ask me how it’s going, and I’ll say “it’s going”.

A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. 

My manager asked me if I could be sent back to NJ, would I go.. the answer is easy-- no. Family aside there is one thing I wish I could have that’s stuck in NJ but to be honest it will never be the same, and I don’t even want it to be. So what is in Seattle that’s so special for me? What am I hoping to find here? Is it temporary, and where do I see myself living in the long run? Those are the questions I always get. Quite honestly, if you know me you will know I’m much more a fan of blurred lines and open doors, and sleeping with the window curtains or blinds particularly open. 

When we’re kids all we can think about is wanting to grow up. And when we’re adults all we can think about is being young again (yes.. I miss summer vacations the most). But because I’m not a kid, and I’m also not yet married, nor do I have kids, or own property, or all the things that hold you down and ground you in the traditional sense-- I don’t yet feel like the adult, and I’m just working toward and waiting for that to happen, in God’s time. Some people assume that means I’m focusing on my career. But when I hear these generalizations about young women in my age group who want to “focus on me” [herself], when I look to myself, the funny part is that as much of a career woman who makes things happen, as I might come across to some who know me, this part of my life for the past 4 years seemed to sort of fall into place in such a humbling way when I wasn’t looking or asking for it. The thing that my heart has always longed for and pines for instead-- is love. Oh, you may now vomit a little. Because I like to think that I know myself. I don’t think a physical location or career will ever be able to define where I “see myself” in the long run. To me, I dream of happily ever after. 

The ambiguity of happily ever after worries me more than most other things we’re believed to have control over. 

Oh and I’m pretty sure Jeff Bezos isn’t the richest man in the world as a single guy with no kids. I don’t believe for a second building a life of fulfillment means going at it alone. 

If you can’t read between the lines, don’t take this the wrong way. I have no intention of framing my life around following love, or based on where “he” happens to be or needs to go. I simply have every intention of living a life full of love, period.

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when I was feelin’ 22

Right before my 23rd birthday (the same time of year as now!), 4 years around this time, I wrote the below private message as a reflection of 22... 4 years later and these lessons learned are such treasures. 

“At 22, I’ve done or discovered a few things that have made me realize that maybe my set of keys also open up to happiness. I’ll share.

1. Accept myself. That means forgive myself and trust my own self. Fuck ups happen but I’ll never move forward if I forever dwell on feeling sorry for myself instead of planning and preparing for what I’m going to do next.

2. Don’t look back to cry. Only look back to laugh.

3. Someone can be so wrong by logic and all reasoning and all proven hypothesis, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is knowing what’s right whether or not someone who is wrong believes that, and walking away from the situation or conversation. I should never always want [or need] to prove a point [just to be right or have the last word].

4. Thank my family more for all the things they do.

5. I’d rather be alone than unhappy. 

6. It’s okay to eat what you want. :)”

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You never see it coming, you just get to see it go—I’d sum up 2017 in one word: brave. By definition, having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty; having or showing courage. In this year I lived in 3 different apartments, protested and got political for the first time, pet a lot of animals, travelled over 30,000 miles, “lost my job”, landed my dream one, moved across the country, drank lots of Moscow mules, ate lots of pho, missed my mom a lot, slept on an airbed for 2 months, flew in a helicopter, played tons of Jenga, got to love someone I thought I lost, parallel parked down a 45degree hill (just call me queen), enjoyed lots of baseball, made my best friend ugly cry, cooked pots of Bolognese sauce, paid off a credit card (finally!), went on a ton of bad dates, cruised in a hot tub boat, witnessed my favorite couple get married, admired dozens of PNW bouquets, had a handful of loving visitors in Seattle, rode in a helicopter, fell hard for every west-coast sunset, and found the love of my life until further notice—my dog Hudson. 

We’re rounding home for the year and I’m feeling crazy grateful that it proves one of my favorite quotes true: what a wonderful thought it is to know that some of the best days of our lives are yet to happen.. especially when you don’t hold your breath! 

I say this all happily and proud out of humble gratefulness.. I never want to brag-- I am far from perfect but somehow can’t help but feel it’s the attitude of willingness that gets me through every obstacle with the winners flag. I owe what am who and what I am to standing on the shoulders of giants.. shoutout to the best support team and fan club back east, I’m everything I am because you love me and can’t wait for the holidays back home and another year of kicking ass together. 

Amazed that 97% of all these videos are from SnapChat!! Remember back when we said “I don’t need that” ? ;-)

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Letting go of good things to catch other good things feels painfully unnecessary and is incredibly difficult and makes me want to be 100% stubborn and stay there.

Til I see someone else do it. Then it makes me wish I could skip stubborn and cut to the feeeeeeel good.

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I came across a blog/site today called http://www.notwaitingtolive.com/

I identify with the concept that a person isn’t their job. But I think the deeper root of that as an issue isn’t that people are desiring the wrong thing, or that their goals are driven toward a shallow objective to obtain money and power- the evil. Of course these messages touch upon that there is no good and bad, only spectrums of what may be healthy desire/goal and what may be otherwise… 

I think the concepts can come off rhetorical and half baked. Maybe we in addition must place in question why and how the world’s societies are how they are. 

But you can’t say thoughts and opinions about big businesses and advancing technology and the leaders behind them, and only touch upon money and power, without questioning (for example) why consumer business do what they do- fill gaps people have in the world, like invent smart phones for knowledge access or technology to bring consumer products to third world countries.. Maybe the real root is an individual’s way of defining “success”.. and in some ways it’s become defined by having the latest OR the best version, OR the most technologically advanced of something (products, material things). The basic American (your lower or middle class American) needs to actively generate money to access that definition. So in return there are expanding big cities to create jobs, so people can afford a place to live and obtain the basic requirements to living, and then further aspire for a little more than that basic need- what makes them feel “successful”. 

Then there’s the further question, once we’ve acquired our basic needs, why are “luxury” lifestyles and ownership of material products desirable or considered “success”. No one is defined my their job, that is one thought. Thought off of that, I think more people ARE actually driven by their desires, and the real matter is- how do we get more people to start thinking about desiring more selfless, simple, wholesome pleasures that don’t fulfill a mundane circle of life and satisfy that government, the tech industry and other institutions in place that have come to define what our pleasures, desires and basic needs are, which has become, in part, so robotic and predefined for us that we lose even the consciousness to do it for ourselves.

My take on not waiting to live, is to be more conscious in your life. Be knowledgeable and educated in all your choices. No need to [necessarily] limit your role models. Just understand them more fully. Be deliberate, be yourself.

and pay your student loans on time.

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Good things happen to those who kick ass. And good things happen to those who wait. They are not mutually exclusive.

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From the outside looking in, it probably seems like the opposite- does anyone feel the same way?

I prefer to be vulnerable. Prefer laying it all out on the table. Prefer to tell someone how I feel about them, what I want, what my expectations are. I prefer to cover the ground and I’m afraid of whats unsaid, so I say my side.

I feel like in that case, I’m protecting myself from the unknown because I’m inviting and soliciting certainty.

Without that, everything else almost feels like a game that I’m not down for playing.

I just wish I always had the answers. Could tell the future and didn’t have to wait to find out how the story ends. Don’t we all!?

I know I know.. what a wonderful thought to know that some of the best days of our lives have yet to happen.