millebon - Tumblr blog

[millebon]

admittedly my understanding of las vegas may be a bit distorted by only seeing it in movies and also when people complain about it online, but it seems that it's some kind of city-sized torture device where the spectre of advertising is ritualistically summoned into an orb in the middle of a very hot desert and then it attacks everyone living there all of the time while they gamble to keep their mind off it

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i think i just stumbled into a new fave aver piece of art but i cant find a title...

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i need people do do me a favor and be absolutely normal about it

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Odysseus:

pros: short king, skilled archer

cons: fucking all of them

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Q+A from library visit where I read my comic about a skeleton that plays the fiddle

Kid: Is this fiction?

Me: Yeah

Kid: I kinda thought so

Me: Oh really? Why?

Kid: Because skeletons aren't real

Me: Skeletons are real. You have one!

Kid, jumping up out of his seat: Yeah but they don't move around!!

Me: Your skeleton's moving around right now!

Kid, yelling: THAT'S!! DIFFERENT!!!

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it’s safe to say i think about this video at least four times a day, i can quote almost the whole thing from memory

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The production value here is off the charts but this is also literally just what it feels like to play Uno.

legendaryjay_ on TikTok

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One of the people I worked with at the sex shop was a lady in her early forties. She had the most deranged sex stories and to be honest I could never tell how much was real.

I think probably all of it was true? But when someone tells you that a man showed up at her door with a sheet cake he wanted her to sit on so he could eat it off her ass it’s fair to be somewhat skeptical.

Aaaanyway. She hooked up a lot and ended up on a casual date with this guy. She was really stoked to be wearing a button up shirt with snaps, so later when they got to his place she could rip the shirt open like in the movies.

Now, it's worth noting she was a bigger gal, and her cleavage could have suffocated a grown man, it was substantial. There was a lot of boob real estate, okay?

So they get back to his place, and she finally gets to have her moment. She rips her shirt open dramatically, displaying the wealth of her cleavage. At first her dates face was excited and delighted. But as his eyes trailed down he began to slowly frown, which I think we can all agree is not what anyone wants when you've just laid yourself bare in a literal fashion.

She looked down to check herself, and there, nestled like a little baby bird in a nest of boob, was a single dorito.

When she told me this story she admitted, "I knew I had a choice. I could get laid, or I could eat the chip."

She ate the chip.

Her date looked repulsed, but she wanted to take one last crack at riding that man, so she did jazz hands and sang in a silly vaudevillian accent, "🎶You should probably put yer meat in me! You should probably put yer meat in me!🎶"

He drove her home shortly afterward, the coward.

[millebon]

Van Helsing in movie adaptations: Dracula's nemesis

Van Helsing in the book: Dracula's real estate lawyer's wife's girlfriend's fiancé's boyfriend's university professor

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grammar couture

also: the evolution of man

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What I think: wow I can’t believe the word “hark” means “listen, pay attention” and a major role of the Harkers in the story is to notice important details, record conversations, gather information and otherwise defeat Dracula by listening and paying attention

What I say: my favorite part of Dracula is when the Harkers said “it’s Harkin’ time!” and harked all over the place

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having an experience

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Show up at work like hi boss sorry I'm late my I was helping my mother track down one specific 90s dungeon crawler for the purposes of obtaining a muffin recipe the developer hid in the files

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As a kid, when your parents are poor, you're poor. If they don't have money, that means none of you have money. But if someone's parents are rich, that doesn't necessarily mean the kid is. Sometimes rich peoples' kids aren't rich kids, they're just some rich freak's exotic pets that can talk but aren't allowed to.