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[millieg-03]

Hard

One thing I have maintained throughout this journey is my headspace. I don’t have to try hard, or be brave to get me there. The way I’m breaking down & processing my information means it’s not compounding & overwhelming me.

And I’m smiling every day.

But hard is still hard, and this last week has been hard!

I’m all set for surgery this morning, and so glad that today is finally here. It was the waiting & feeling stagnant part that I knew I was going to find hard. I’m not very good at staying still (body or mind).

They’ve had to tinker a lot with how my NG tube works, and had to bring out all the little nursing experimental tricks. Attaching me to the wall for 24hr suction has provided the most improvement, but I still have to call the nurses in on occasion to manually pump & flush my line. If that doesn’t happen, then sometimes there’s no actual draining happening for a few hours & I don’t realise. When my stomach doesn’t drain, I get pain. I get nausea. I vomit on occasion. I feel a lot of discomfort - it’s not nice.

So needless to say, I’ve been hesitant to leave my bed for long periods of time since they attached me to the suction. According to my Garmin watch - my average daily step total over the last 7 days is 132 steps. I also haven’t felt well enough to get out & about.

I had a rough night Friday night. I was up several times throughout the night to throw up in pain. I subsequently didn’t get any sleep. Saturday was a bed-bound write-off. But that’s ok - I caught up on sleep.

But these cramps - turns out it’s where my partial bowel obstruction is. My stoma has started working a bit since then, and my bowel is trying to pass waste via the blockage. If this doesn’t sound comfortable - you’re right. I’ve had waves of cramps since Saturday. Each day they increase in frequency and intensity. There was a lot of pain through the night on Tuesday. I’d had my dose of morphine, ordered the top-up relief of buprenorphine, I had an anti-nausea tablet & was using a heat pack. I was still cramping.

Wednesday’s management plan worked though. The Dr increased my morphine dose & that seemed to manage things. Wednesday ended up being quite comfortable. I had two little dozes throughout the day. Mum, Dad & Peter around all day. I had a luxurious shower, washed my hair, shaved my legs & lathered up in hydrating moisturiser!

Wednesday night came & they did a fleet enema to prep me for surgery. Boy did that generate some pain & discomfort. It was like the fluid in the colon pushed back on the small intestines where the blockage is. It was painful, everything felt full & like everything was pressing on each other. I had to hold that for 30 minutes. I was thankful to have Pete by my side to soothe me through it.

After the 30minutes I immediately asked for my morphine, a heat pack & then went to sleep for a few hours.

They wanna do another fleet enema at 5am 😬- wish me luck!

#GameDay #Hard #StillSmiling #MandyG

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Dry your eyes mate, she’ll be right!

I’m not sure when it developed, but for such a passionate person with a big heart, I’ve long held the incredible skill of being able to manage my emotional response to difficult situations. Maybe I’ve always had that skill, but I think it was certainly refined when I worked in community Mental Health.

I have an enormous amount of compassion, and receive no greater joy than seeing others grow and achieve. Especially my loved ones. I’m fiercely protective of my tribe.

Having Peter as my life partner has also helped. We continually challenge each other not to fall into the hole of feeling powerless. Our little family saying is “Oh well, we move forward. We’re all about moving forward here at Team Griffiths”.

We have experienced a lot of stress throughout this journey so far, and there have been some extremely difficult times already, but we have taken on every hurdle strongly together. We do our best to keep each other on track. I actually think Pete & my family have it tougher than me at times. There’d be nothing worse than feeling helpless while I’m going through the difficult stuff.

I was 29 when I met my beautiful Peter. It took me awhile to find him, but when I did I knew he was the perfect life partner for me. (I’m glad that he reciprocated that feeling!).

We moved home to Bathurst to set up our life together, and were married on 13th April 2019. We worked hard to save & bought our first beautiful home together, we bought our first ever brand new car together, we filled our home with two adorable huskies (our fur-babies). We successfully launched a thriving business during the craziest social & economical environment in history.

We celebrated our first wedding anniversary during lockdown on 13th April 2020. All restaurants were closed, and the supermarket shelves were constantly bare. Peter made the most amazing home-cooked meal for us to share. We still had a special day to celebrate our first milestone.

After surgery in June 2020, they were not initially going to do chemotherapy - the tumour was pretty contained. By the time the oncology team made the decision that the wanted to commence me, we had 5 minutes to process things & chemo started 1 week later.

That 5 minutes to ourselves in the oncology room was both the slowest and fastest 5 minutes simultaneously. We were processing fast. Mandy will start chemotherapy next week. There’s not enough time to harvest eggs. This specific chemo affects fertility less, but still has its risks. I can receive a monthly injection to put my ovaries into dormancy to limit the chemo absorption. Chemo will start next week.

In true Mandy & Peter style, we jumped on the same page very quickly. Peter got me good. He said “whether we can conceive children down the track does not impact how I feel for you, or that I want to live the longest & happiest life possible with you by my side”. So there we were - both open to the possibility that children will be off the table for us. We were ready for our battle, whatever way things will land.

Treatment and recovery went so well after the initial diagnosis. We had committed ourselves to becoming as fit and healthy as could be. Peter dropped 15kg by Christmas. I dropped about 7kg. Chemotherapy came to an end. We put our house on the market with dreams to find somewhere big enough to raise a child. We started to dream again. Children can’t be conceived until 6 months post chemotherapy. Our life was getting some momentum, we had been working on areas of growth in all aspects of our life. We were seeing movement.

We committed to sell our house 3 weeks prior to finding out I was sick again. The sale went through very quickly, which has been exciting for us. Instead of jumping straight into a new place, we will live with Mum & Dad while we’re on one salary & I’m recovering. Then when things settle we will look to move into a new house. This move will take a lot of pressure off, and provide me a little bit more TLC being close to my Mumma. Peter will not have to worry that I’m home by myself when he has to head out. He’s always considerate of things like that. He’s been busy making sure I have a steady but controlled stream of helpful visitors.

On the 11th April we received the PET scan results that there was activity in the pelvis - uterine. Peter & I managed to have a conversation without words. We nodded, mentioned no children, then kept going about our day. After my colonoscopy on the 16th March & pelvic MRI, my surgeon in Bathurst told me that they will need to remove my uterus and both my ovaries. This didn’t come as a shock to Peter or me. We had already rationalised this outcome. We are very aware there are other ways to have children. We are not considering anything right now. And we may not in the future either. That’s not in our current plan. We talk about our jobs. Mine is to dedicate everything to improving my health. That’s the only worry Peter wants me to have. Peter’s job is to minimise all other worries in our life to enable me to focus on my health. I have complete faith in that man. He is sorting removalists, contracts, cleaners, our puppies, finances, absolutely anything and everything. If I have questions, he answers them. But he has everything sorted.

For those keeping up with the dates, this Tuesday 13th April will be Peter & my 2nd wedding anniversary. I’ve invited him on a date at 12pm - meet at my hospital bed. I plan to take him on a stroll around the hospital grounds, and maybe hang out by the little fernery we found together last weekend. It’ll be nice to have some quiet time together when we’re not ticking jobs off & organising things. And although I can’t eat right now, I’m stuck to an I/V hospital pole, and can’t leave the hospital grounds, I feel like I have some control over the day by asking him on a date. I’m sure I’ll think of something special for us to do. But even having some time out with my favourite human will recharge me!

Thanks for joining me,

MandyG x

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The NG Tube

I have a strong love/hate relationship with the Nasal Gastric (NG) Tube.

If you have a soft stomach, maybe skip this post. Although it will give a lot of insight to one of my most difficult battles.

You’ve heard me mention it before. For me, I had never heard of one before my hospital admission in June 2020. I had a traumatic experience with it then, and I only had it in for a handful of days.

To put in place, the nurses run a tube into my nose, down the back of my throat and into my stomach. They then tape it to my nose so it stays put.

I’ve had a bowel obstruction for 17 days now. This means that the contents of my stomach cannot drain through my intestines like they’re meant to. Now I haven’t actually eaten in 17 days. I’m not drinking any fluids either, so I’m not really “adding” to my stomach contents. But an interesting part about the body is that our stomachs still fill up with bile (gross watery green stuff) even if we’re not eating or drinking.

My specific issue is that I’m producing up to 2L of waste daily out my stomach, but my NG tube isn’t draining it because it’s too thick & the tube keeps clogging. So for the last three nights I’ve woken every few hours with my belly looking pregnant (distended), with cramps, pain & just a general feeling of being very uncomfortable.

Friday saw a breakthrough. One lovely nurse persevered, flushed me with water many times & worked for about 45 minutes to manually pump out my stomach contents. She then connected me to a suction machine in the wall that proceeded to pump 1400ml out steadily throughout the day. I had a day sleep with no concern whatsoever that I would wake up distended. It was bliss.

Unfortunately at 1am my output was still sitting at 1400ml. After reconnecting to the suction device in the evening, nothing had happened for the next 5 hours.

The lovely night nurse persevered, flushed me, pumped me & reconnected me back to the working suctioning.

Now I’m sitting here watching the container hit 1700ml & wondering if it might actually overflow!

In other news, they need to free up a bed at RPAH, so after the long weekend they plan to put me in patient transport to take back to Bathurst Base Hospital with a planned return via patient transport on the 13th April ready for the big op on the 15th.

As long as my NG tube can be managed, then I feel quite comfortable. Hopefully they can hook me up to the suction wall in Bathurst!

Until next time,

MandyG! xox

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10.50pm, Tuesday 30th March

Today was a good day. I was on the emergency list for my laparoscope today, but Professor Koh mentioned the e-list had been backlogged for the last few days. I was just finishing my shower this morning (which is quite difficult with an NG tube, and PICC line attached to the drip poles), when I had a knock at the door to say theatre had called for me.

They didn’t have to rush me in. My circumstances won’t change between now and Thursday (which was their other proposed date). But it was good to get that out of the way so we can cement our next plan.

Prof Koh gave me the option of heading back to Bathurst base hospital for a week, then coming back to RPAH for a week before my April 15th surgery. It was a no-brainer for me. I’m staying here. By the time I have my surgery it will have been almost a month to the day that I’ve been unable to eat. And I’m not sure my dinner on 16th March even counts, as I threw all that up anyway!

Prof Koh mentioned there’s a gym in the ward. I checked it out today. It’s not actually much, but I can do stuff with it. I guess the battle over the next two weeks is to not become sedentary & to keep up my cardiovascular & muscle mass as much as I can. Obviously a difficult task if I can’t eat, but they’re pumping approx 1800 calories into my daily via my PICC line drip.

Prof Koh mentioned doing stairs. That will be hard with my pole though. Laps are definitely on the cards. I even requested a pole with fast wheels on my first night here, and the wonderful nurse made it happen.

I woke up from my anaesthetic haze this morning to the biggest, goofiest grin! Dad came back to visit. Mum, Dad & I sat in the common room this evening & played a couple of games of red aces. It was fun! As you can imagine, there’s so much sitting around happening for me & any visitors. It’s hard finding something to do other than being on our phones, especially with all the messages of love we’re receiving. So red aces in the TV room was a real hit. We didn’t get a winner today tho - it was past dinner time, so I sent Mum & Dad on their merry way. Plus I had a killer headache, so switched my phone off for an hr and a half & napped. 7pm seems to be a good napping time when I’ve had a big day.

So our plan from here:

- I’m staying at RPAH to receive my nutrition intravenously

- I’m booked in for my big surgery on 15th March. I’m having a peritonectomy. They’ll take my uterus, ovaries, some of my small bowel & maybe some of my bladder, as well as the higher spot in the fatty deposit

- I will be at RPAH for a couple of weeks after surgery. I think they’ll then transfer me to Bathurst Base Hospital

- I will then meet with my Oncologist & undergo a more aggressive chemotherapy

Until next time - MandyG xox

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6.40am, Monday 29th March.

I am woman, hear me roar!

On Wednesday & Thursday last week, that roar looked like a 33yr old girl laying in the hospital bed all day holding her Mumma’s hand. And that’s ok. That was a big effort for me on those days! I had change of pain meds, NG (nasal gastric) tube inserted, and was on about day 10 of no real food. Sleep was the only thing I really could do.

Yesterday my roar looked a lot different. My beautiful sister washed my hair for me. I shaved my legs. I walked 1km - and I found a piano to play! Mum also gave me a pedicure. I felt like a million bucks really!

I’m still doing well. I think I might be wired a bit different like that. When faced with the fact that I have all these tumours in my body - I’m leaving that to the experts. When I have pain, I’m in pain & ask my nurse for pain relief. When I feel sick, I feel sick. When I’m tired, I’m tired. But I’m never ever “oh I have cancer, I feel sick, I feel tired & I’m in pain”. Whatever the presenting problem, I work through it & seek intervention if I can (case in point, 7pm Saturday I rushed Mum, Carly, Lilly & Peter out of the room quick smart, then went to sleep for 11 hours!).

My headspace is still very strong.

But I also know how incredibly lucky I am to have a village behind me. I have had more visitors here at RPAH than people from Sydney would have. I had 9 people see me on Saturday alone.

And my Mum. What an absolute rockstar! She visits me daily. That would have to be one of the toughest jobs. Just so much sitting around. I told her she should go get a massage today!

And did I mention my beautiful Peter surprised me on Friday night? I knew my sister & niece were visiting. As I was greeting them on Friday night, in walks Peter. That boy sure knows the way to my heart!

I’m missing my puppy dogs. Since closing our catering business I will spend on average half an hour every arvo just cuddling them & playing. I’m not sure who got more used to it! But my bro-in-law has been sending me some cool video updates of them. I’m glad they have other dogs around to keep them busy.

I’m on the surgery e-list for tomorrow. If I don’t get in tomorrow, then it’ll definitely be Thursday. Either way, it doesn’t really matter too much. It’s the outcome of the keyhole that will matter. I’ll either be staying here receiving nutrition via drip for 2.5 weeks before having my big surgery, or they will provide a temporary fix to my bowel obstruction so I can eat, send me home for 3 months chemo & then bring me back to operate.

Until then, it’s just hanging around. Although I’m thinking I may hit up some Netflix today. I’ve been too busy since coming into hospital to binge watch anything!

Chat soon,

MandyG. xox

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10.40pm, Wednesday 24th March

I’ve now been at Royal Prince Albert Hospital (RPAH) since Sunday. We’re currently playing the waiting game at the moment.

Professor Cherry Koh came to see us on Monday. The immediate concerns around the pain from my bowel obstruction and my inability to tolerate food can both be managed here at RPAH.

The most important thing is Professor Koh and her team taking the time to get things right.

Tomorrow will be a big day. They will be inserting a PICC line via my inner arm through to a vein near my heart. They will use this to give me the nutrition I’ve been unable to eat or drink. In the last two days I’ve had approx 4x hospital juices, 2x cups of instant coffee, a protein clear fluid popper and three spoonfuls of ‘clear soup of the day’. Oh, and I also licked the chicken salt off one of Mum’s hot chips! 😊

My ileostomy hasn’t really worked in a week now. That means that any buildup in my stomach has had nowhere to escape. You could probably imagine this can become quite uncomfortable and painful quite quickly. My belly has been distended, and it has caused me grief all day today. I finally caved tonight & asked the Dr for an NG tube. This means I now have a tube pumping from my stomach up and out my nostril into a bag. It has offered instant relief to my stomach. But the downside is it’s extremely uncomfortable for them to insert the tube, it’s hard to breath out the nose, and it hurts your throat to talk. But it was time to relieve my stomach discomfort.

In addition to the PICC line going in tomorrow, Professor Koh is attending the multidisciplinary team meeting to discuss my case. She visited tonight & said that after the meeting they will know my plan, and when I’m being operated on. Hopefully soon!

In the meantime, I’m still smiling, and I’m still positive. I’ve been absolutely inundated with love from family and friends. Today’s highlight was receiving a video of my beautiful Peter reuniting with our two huskies, who he hasn’t seen since dropping them to my sisters house on Sunday. They showed him a lot of love!

Thanks for checking in & reading my words. Talking about things in this context is cathartic for me.

Until the next post - MandyG x

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4.20am Sunday, 21/03/2021

I’m pretty restless tonight. The morphine helps me sleep a little, but my arm movement keeps blocking my cannula, resulting in the constant beep on the infusion pump.

My pain levels are tolerable. My tummy is pretty full though, and still no stoma output. I can feel the start of the cramps building up as the morphine is wearing off, but my dose is keeping me consistently comfortable.

Yesterday was a good day. I managed to ‘eat’ two serves of chicken broth, two instant coffees and two apple juices. There hasn’t been a lot of food this week. There has been a lot of craziness though!

My stomal therapy nurse (STN) visited my house on Monday afternoon to insert a catheter into the distal opening of my stoma. As I watched the colonoscopy prep be inserted via catheter into my system, I didn’t envy the missed opportunity to taste it. Gotta take the wins where they come!

7am Tuesday morning, my STN visited again for round two. Inquisitive me watched carefully throughout this process, and helped where I could - I found it quite fascinating.

Round three happened at 9.30am, then for the first time in 9 months I was able to sit on the toilet and ‘go’ like a normal person.

In the day surgery prep room my Dad fielded a message from my beautiful Peter - our home loan had been approved. WooHoo! So excited for our future! Dad stayed by me for a few hours while I waited for my turn in theatre. It’s a routine procedure, but there was this bogey hanging about that gave this unspoken feeling that things were more than just routine. The gravity of the situation was cemented when my surgeon visited me in recovery. He could see tumour recurrence through the scope. His tone gave insight that I will have a long road ahead. This news did not surprise nor shock me.

I grabbed my property bag, got changed & checked my voicemail “I have the paperwork in front of me, I just need to know what your start date will be. We can’t wait for you to join our team” - I tabled that one for the day, called my beautiful Peter & delivered the minimal information provided to me in recovery. Off we went home to grab the cake & present & headed out to dinner for my 5yr old nieces birthday. It was lovely being around family. The genuine joy as she opened her presents & squealed in excitement. All the little kids lining up for a piece of their Snow White birthday cake. And the food! I enjoyed garlic bread, chicken parmy & a piece of Peter’s delicious chocolate cake. Absolutely de-lish.

I was coaxed into slumber that night by sound of waves through my belly. There were wooshes & grumbles, and I soon found sleep.

I got up to empty half my stoma bag at 2am & sought some strong pain relief. The wooshes and grumbles were no longer playing nice. My bag wasn’t as full as normal. The pain relief kicked in, and I went back to sleep.

Peter dropped me at work that next morning. I was quite keen to be back. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy working hard. I enjoy problem solving, and challenging myself to get better outcomes. It was good to be back at work after a few days off. Team meeting went off without a hitch, but concentration became increasingly difficult thereafter. I took an early lunch just to lay down. Not long after returning to the desk I was unable to manage the pain enough to continue working. 12.44pm text to Peter “I think I might need to go to hospital. My stoma hasn’t worked since dinner, my abdo pain is bad & I just threw up”. I laid in the foetal position while my beautiful colleague sat and comforted me. 10 minutes later I was escorted to Peter’s car.

I’m definitely more rascal than refined elegance. I’ve had my fair share of nights out over the years where I’ve ended up a sickly mess. It’s almost a right of passage through your early twenties, right? Well I don’t think I have ever been this messy, and any fibres of decorum I held, I’m pretty sure I left them in the gutter outside the hospital emergency room. Peter dropped me at the door while he found a park. I didn’t make it to the door. The complete contents of my previous night’s dinner was exited into the gutter, and Peter found me in a ball on the ground rocking back & forward. I had a 10/10 pain, even with targin in my system (a slow-release opiate pain relief).

Here I sit, four days later (now 5.15am), still in hospital. I’m restless because I’m on patient transport today to go to Royal Prince Albert Hospital in Sydney. My Thursday MRI scan showed tumour recurrence & spread to surrounding organs. It’s in my ovaries, uterus and small bowel (hence bowel obstruction & excruciating pain). My current understanding is that a kick-arse surgical team from RPAH will remove anything containing tumours. They will take my uterus and ovaries out. They will take some of my small bowel out. My stoma (I’ve named her Betty) looks like becoming a permanent fixture. If there is any activity near my bladder, then some of that will be removed & probably result in a Urostomy (bladder stoma). Mum thinks I should call her Bertha if this does eventuate. I like that. Bertha and Betty.... there’s also one deposit just hanging about a bit higher. I was told it’s not near the lungs, but more sitting in some fatty tissue near my large bowel somewhere. The true extent of things won’t be known until they actually get in there and have a look!

In terms of looking toward our future, I withdrew from the new job. We are still selling our house, but will move in with Mum & Dad and rent our new one out until I’ve recovered enough to return to work.

Transport is tentatively booked for 9.50am, so I’ll get up & do some laps of the ward, then get myself ready for the trip.

(I did 2x 1km walks of the hallway yesterday!).

For now? Over and out - MandyG Xoxox

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The morning of day 11 into Paleo. And what a busy week it has been! Until 2012 I always thought I hated fitness. After discovering Believe BootCamps Bx, I came to the realisation that I just hated running. It's not that I lack motivation or discipline, but more I'm motivated very much by other people. The way I'm wired makes me want to put other people first nearly all of the time. 2016 was spent assisting others better themselves - a very busy coaching schedule meant that I had little time for me. Reflecting on Believe BootCamps, CrossFit 2795 & CrossFit Base (three fitness avenues that worked for me) I tried to work out what was that magical ingredient. After Base closed I joined Anytime Fitness in my suburb, but had zero interest in walking through the doors. Then it came to me - culture. The idea of walking into a gym & seeing welcoming smiling faces that are there to encourage each other. People that work their arses off, then when out of breath & exhausted will still offer words of support, or a high five at the end. It's this ingredient that is needed in a gym for me to wake up wanting to be a part of it. This week I went to my first F45 class (well after this morning it is now two classes in three days). Supported by two amazing friends, I managed to work hard, have a great time, and share a healthy experience with my mates. As I was sitting on the couch last night, exhausted & with my first (possibly sugar?) headache of my Paleo campaign, I decided to check when I last went to a gym. November 2015. 14 months ago. I'm proud of what I achieved last year in helping others. I'm proud of what I achieved personally last year, enduring some very challenging personal times, and getting through ok. But 14 months of no gym? Well that can fuck right off now. 2017 is my year. I'm back training & enjoying it. My anxiety is relatively under control. My head is in an amazing space. I'm ready. 2017 you're gonna be my bitch! #DucksInARow Love MillieG xox

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LIFE IS HARD We all have different things that work for us. Different diets, different gyms/workout schedules, different support crews, different forms of motivation. The trick is to find what works for you & don't look back! My journey started back in 2012 with some very profound & life-changing words from my sister-in-law and her father - both whom are still huge supporters of me, of healthy living & of bettering yourself. Twelve months ago it was the words of an inspiring woman that I met through my journey, and an integral member of my bro & sis-in-law's gym. Life is hard! But that doesn't mean you shouldn't appreciate where hard has brought you. In the words of my good friend Kirsten; "Being a girl is hard, growing up is hard, being the mum is hard, being the wife is hard, working full time is hard, running a home is hard, trying to be fit is hard, trying to be superwoman is hard.... Girls I want you all to look at your gains today and acknowledge the hard - we've all done it and we've all gone back for more. Look at the hard and know you got yourself there! Whether your hard is at the gym, at home, at work, wherever your hard is let's make it a year of not being hard on each other!" If it's going to be hard, why not choose the hard that will see you grow & prosper! Happy 2017 peeps. Let's find our hard, and smash it! MillieG xox #girlsbuildinggirls #paleojourney #findingmyself

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Day 4 of Paleo & the sugar withdrawals have been kind to me. The hardest part I have found this week has been being organised. This doesn't surprise me, though, as I started a new management position at work on Monday & I've been working crazy hours to get on top of everything. Cue in my thrown together lunch! Some ham off the bone, half a perfectly ripe avocado & a couple of carrot sticks. Very filling after my almond milk & protein powder shake that I threw together this morning. I haven't felt any major differences in my first few days. My sugar withdrawals have usually hit around the day 2-3 mark in the past. Hopefully they don't arrive at all!! :) I haven't weighed myself, but I did take measurements. Measurements as at 10/02/2017 are: Chest - 132cm Right bicep - 41cm Waist - 123cm Hip - 138cm Right thigh - 67cm Right calf - 42cm Although tired & disorganised, I'm in a really good headspace at the moment. I'm absolutely loving every aspect of my life. My health is the one thing that isn't where it needs to be (yet), but I'm committed to change. It will happen. Watch me! Love MillieG xox

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Life's journey can lead you many places. Since experiencing my life-changing weight loss journey in 2012 I have achieved some amazing goals. I have also faced hardship beyond what I thought I was capable of getting through, and have realised many new things about myself. As 2017 dawned, I stood there - a confident, successful & happy person. But I am far from the fitness & health level I gained in 2012. With an amazingly supportive partner by my side & some very encouraging friends surrounding me, I have decided to get back into it for 2017. What better way to get inspired than to reflect on my journey from 2012! Bring on 2017. I. Will. Beat. Her. Love MillieG xo

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Training hard and eating lean On the 1st of July I started back eating paleo as well as starting the Lorna Jane 31 day squat challenge. I pulled up a little sore this morning in my quads but I was comforted by the fact that it was an LJ rest day. As fate will have it, tonight's Believe BootCamps Bx session contained squats, squat holds and lunges. I've added a photo of me, Chelly & Kirsten rocking our new BB hoodies after bootcamp tonight. I love training alongside these ladies. They motivate you with their own hard work & then continue to encourage you even further still. After a hard training sesh it was great to get home to my grilled barramundi & veggies. Day 4 Paleo complete & I'm feeling so much better already! Ready for day 5 to unfold! "When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you will be successful" - Eric Thomas millieG. xox

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July Four Week Challenge It has been awhile since I have blogged. January/February school holidays made it easy to find time for meal prep, plenty of sleep & exercise and the documentation of these things. Going back to work & the start of hockey season (in two cities which are 3hrs apart) made this difficult. But a combination of a niggling knee injury plus the usual winter visit by Mr Flu have left me in dire need of detoxing my body again. So here I am, day two complete. The sugar withdrawals hit this afternoon, but I powered through it. And although 7.30pm hockey training was extremely cold & foggy in Canberra, my body felt so good at the end of it. Two days of sticking to my eating plan 100%! Train Hard. Fight Easy. No Excuses! millieG! xox

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"I will beat her.

I will train harder.

I will eat cleaner.

I know her weaknesses.

I know her strengths.

I've lost to her before,

But not this time.

She is going down.

I have the advantage

because I know her well.

She is the Old Me."

~ Bonnie Pfiester

  For 25 years I had slowly built myself up to a point where I thought I was too far gone. I just accepted the fact that how I felt & how I looked was going to be the same forever. I would look at skinnier and fitter people and think "they've got it easy, looking like that". I was under the impression that you were either little or big, and that whichever of those you were dealt then that was it for you.

I was wrong.

A huge thank you to my good friend, confidant and one of my biggest supporters for sharing this Bonnie Pfiester quote with me. Lynnie you believed in me before any of this even started.

The first time I had heard this quote it was actually read to me over the phone. I was in town walking and had to stop and take a moment because these words really hit home. For the three weeks prior to this phone call I was really fighting an inner battle against the old me. Even though I have lost almost 40kg the 'old me' still likes to come out occasionally just to mess with my head.

For 25 years I believed I didn't have the power to change myself. With a little bit of help from some pretty amazing people I shifted the belief that I couldn't into the belief that I could.

Just like anybody I have good days and I have bad days. Today is a good day. Today I read this quote and am reminded of how far I have come. From someone who used to hide behind baggy clothes to someone who is actually uploading a pic of herself in a crop top onto the internet. Today I show that my belief in myself is as strong as it has ever been.

You have the ability to change yourself. It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight. But I am here showing you that it can happen, you've just got to be willing to let go of a lot of your comfort zones.

"I will beat her. She is the Old Me."

millieG. xox

[millieg-03]

I have a trial game of hockey today & I've been looking forward to it all week. I woke up this morning with a clear mind & an energetic vibe. Really felt like going for a run but I wanted to conserve my energy for the game in 3hrs time. Instead I practiced my handstands as the sun was rising. It doesn't matter where my head is at, or how stressful my week has been, just watching the sun rise or set really clears my mind & leaves me quite content. Plus I would love to one day be able to do a handstand push-up. Practicing my handstands at sunrise was such a fun way to start my day today. Bring on the trial game. millieG. xox "Do what makes you happy"

[millieg-03]

Far out my abs feel like they are on fire, but that's the way I like it. Feeling that muscle burn was uncomfortably weird when I first started out. Not because it really hurt that much, but I think just because it was different from normal. These days it's kind of soothing. I worked my abs last night for the first time in three weeks, then again tonight. Every time I stretch or twist I can feel them burning. Learn to love the burn. millieG. xox "Are you ready to work?"

[millieg-03]

Call me crazy, but I am totally in love with that feeling you get from a very hard workout. I enjoy seeing the calluses forming on my hands. I like doing the stretches at the end of the session when I’m still struggling to hold myself up. I love that empty feeling all the way down my limbs when they have nothing left to give. I love getting to that major obstacle when your brain tells you you’ve had enough, but your body pushes through. For me each one of these things represents a win. I’ve heard often “Don’t compare yourself to others. It’s you vs. you”. I love that winning feeling I get when I’ve stepped way outside my comfort zone.

By constantly taking tiny little steps outside my comfort zone throughout my journey it was sometimes hard to see the impact it was having. Looking back I can see that I have stretched the boundaries of my comfort zone and I am comfortably doing things now that the me of 12 months ago never thought I’d be able to achieve.

I’ve had a very hectic 3 weeks and my training has been slow. Tonight I did push-ups for the first time in three weeks and I didn’t do them easily. Towards the end I had to drop on my knees to keep my form up (which is extremely important). But for me to come out to BootCamp and do a stack of push-ups off my toes is insane to believe if you had seen where I had started. I remember my trainers trying to help me one Sunday morning training last year. I had a towel under my hips that someone was pulling up to help me do an assisted push-up off my toes. I was lying on that ground staring at the dirt. One of my amazing trainer’s, Charlie, was encouraging me saying “Just hate that ground Mandy. Just hate the ground and push yourself as hard as you can away from it”. I remember giving it my absolute all and not moving an inch. Assisted or not, there was no way I could get my body off my ground to do a push-up off my toes.

Sometimes I get caught up in the moment. Of wanting to continually push myself, to mould myself into the best possible version of me. And when I fall short of my goals it hits me hard. My expectations of myself are so high, but I am crazy enough to believe that I can reach them. Not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But bit-by-bit I know I am getting closer. And my goals are within reach.

I have come along way since I started my journey. The things I can do now didn’t just happen overnight. Looking at my Polar Watch information online I can see my complete totals since I bought my heart rate monitor. 134 training sessions. 120 hours of exercise. 59,684 Calories burnt. 114.2km distance covered by my two feet.

To those that follow my journey, don’t be discouraged by what you can or cannot do today. Understand that even small progress is still progress. The important thing is that you are better than you were yesterday, or last week, or last month. Keep believing in yourself and you too can achieve things that you never ever thought you could.

millieG. xox

“I don’t stop when I’m tired, I stop when I’m done.”

c