miss9marie - Tumblr blog

[miss9marie]

You’re Gonna Live forever in Me

There’s nothing in my life that has collected more tears than my Love for you...

I’ll forever be that 15 year old girl chasing you, always hoping to be your first pick... I never was though.. & I never will be.. 

I can’t find a way of healing from this... In order for me to forget you...  to leave you in my past that would only mean to forget me too... When I think of my love for you I think of how you shaped that.. & how who I am is because you helped mold me to who I am now... I’ve relied on you so much through out my entire life that I would not be me if it weren't for you.. a part of me will always be you...

When I sit & reminisce on our years together.. from teenage kids to adults.. I always think of the scene from Patch Adams where he reads Sonnet 17 by Pablo Neruda... 

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I nor you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close. <3

Always you’ll live in me, & I in you.. one of my last loving memories with you was on one of our trips back from dallas... I was driving your truck as you sat shotgun.. looking at me.. looking out the window... 

You held my hand as I sang to you..

A great big bang & dinosaurs Fiery raining meteors It all ends unfortunately

But you're gonna live forever in me I'll guarantee, just wait & see

Parts of me were made by you & planets keep their distance too The moon's got a grip on the sea

& you're gonna live forever in me I guarantee, it's your destiny

Life is full of sweet mistakes & love's an honest one to make Time leaves no fruit on the tree

But you're gonna live forever in me I guarantee, it's just meant to be

& when the pastor asks the pews For reasons he can't marry you I'll keep my word and my seat

But you're gonna live forever in me I'll guarantee, just wait & see..

Funny how in the moment we have no way of knowing that will be the last... & that was my last love song to you .. how ironic don't cha think?

I dont know how or when I’ll make it through because I haven't figured out how to kill the part of me that is you..

I fight my battle alone.. in my own solace..  I suffer in silence.. I’ve lost countless hours of sleep & that cant stay like this forever..

All I know is days like today I know my heart is nowhere near letting you go..  I know you’ve moved on; I know you’re happy..

& because I love you so much I also smile knowing you are happy.. You deserve it..

But to me you’re still very much present in my everyday & im trying like hell to learn to do life without you which for now is pretty much impossible..  You’ll never know how much I love you because even I cant comprehend it but one thing I’ll always know is this love is everlasting... some of us really do just love once in a lifetime..  You were that for me.. 

[miss9marie]

When I’m alone.. just me & my thoughts .. with my constant over thinking. Replaying certain days of my life over & over again.. I feel like those are my “just hold on” days. I lay in my bed looking back at this past year & how much loss.. & pain ive endured & try to remember that eventually, there will be less “ just hold on “ days & more days of joy. As one of the hardest/tough days of my life approaches I focus on the strength that I know I have.. One more day... that’s all I’m going to get. I just hope it stops hurting & I start really healing after this. 🥀 https://www.instagram.com/p/CFSe8PRgyvy/?igshid=1j4veh9jq5piv

[miss9marie]

“ You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless🖤 ” https://www.instagram.com/p/BzvtqGWAAhl/?igshid=lcugm4klpjsw

[miss9marie]

“ I now have a young boy & all I hope to raise is a good man, confident in is ability to talk it out calmly no matter the relationship. Mother to son is where it begins. Negotiating with him now is not weakness on my end, its teaching him that in everything in life & love requires compromise.. just because I am his mother doesn't mean I’m always right. I do this now in the hope that he practices the same parenting when its his time.  As a grown woman now my biggest issues with my mother stem from her inability to compromise with me my entire life...there were moments where we have had hard arguments that could have been replaced with her just acknowledging the possibility she could be wrong -but never could because she is mom..& that always meant she won.. I don’t love my mom any less for it.. just learned from it...& Eventually this way has to change & it begins somewhere..  for my family - I chose differently..

Some see it & call it weakness..but for us its so much more.. its breaking a generational curse.

how do u explain to parents that negotiating with kids isn’t a sign of weakness

[miss9marie]

Beautiful gone...

what a beautiful mind you've been given what a beautiful soul to match..

yet you know nothing of it.. going in circles day after day, month after month  & to your dismay now, year after year..

wasting away  losing that beautiful mind to madness  & the soul - only growing more tired..

where have you gone beautiful ?

[miss9marie]

It's all gotta come full circle, right?

Mh

[miss9marie]

Okay now, Lets get real...

No one wants to be the reason the marriage failed.. no one wants to be the one with the finger pointed right at them for their failures & shortcomings in any relationship..It takes more than just saying “ im sorry”

Last night thru all the fun I was having....cold beer in my hand thinking yep this is it. the new life.. this is starting over again .. this time itll be different..

But when the game was over & im sitting shotgun on the ride home - there he is creeping my whole mind.... right back to thinking what happen. last time was different tho. I didnt look for blame - listening to a song that I was almost sure he had sent me more than once while he sat on a rig missing me .. a song i simply started at & never truly took the time to listen to... the words stung like salt on a wound...

that was how he loved me. always on his mind. no matter where he was.. meanwhile i was too busy to be inconvenienced to listen to it... if i would have loved him the way he loved me my marriage would have been without faults..

but i was the weak link.. i was the one who was too blind to see that he gave me his absoulte best always.. gave me every single part of him.. & I figured that is just the way it is.... its not & it should never be..

its too late now.. I no theres no turning back.. but theres definitley a lesson to be learned.. ill never be that woman again.. ill never love like that again.. ill appreciate every single min of someone giving me their heart.. ive broken  bruised a good man.. a good dad.. a good friend. Everything he was to me is what I should be- & i will ... i will never take anyones love for granted ever again.

[miss9marie]

Suddenly it all made sense...

Like what the hell have I been thinking all these years? 

….. it all makes sense now.. 

what goes around comes around.. all those years wasted on something that just wasnt for me.. something I was too stubborn to let go of. Something I worked at time after time.

Why tho? All for love? haha what a damn joke. Just a bunch of wasted years. I was so busy trying to make a life with someone that God kept saying “ No! Not him!” -

Llove truly makes you a fool. Too blind to see that he was not meant for me.. so busy trying to make the pieces fit that all the good things meant for me just kept on passing by.

That ends now.. this was the last time. yeah yeah, I know ive said it one too many times but this time its different.. I’ve never felt this free. Not just physically but emotionally. Must of been all the times that have made me numb. I just dont care anymore. A weight has been lifted..

ready for shit to be different.. & this time imma make it happen..

time to let it be.. stop forcing shit. let that one go.. gone.. bye..

[miss9marie]

••I remember when I could run a mile under 6 mins... when the goal was to make it a 5 min mile... The younger me would be devastated to know it took me nearly 31 mins to run 2 miles today.. haha. Back then I worried more about the time than the distance... Funny how time itself has changed that for me.. Growing up as an only child I didn’t find much interest in sports.. running was the only sport that I could do with others.. but still...alone. (If ya know what I mean) & if I won... or lost. It was solely because of myself. Crazy, I didn’t know it then but all I was doing was building a wall around myself.. a wall I’d spend a lifetime wondering how it ever even came to be... ••Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been a runner. When I was scared.. I ran.Anytime things got hard I also ran.I’ve used running as a way to deal with a lot of things in my life. ••As a child I used it to get away even if I didn’t know that’s what I was doing.. & now as an adult I still use it. I may never stop running but I thank God I’m learning that the distance is far more important than the time it takes me to get there... 🖤 #earlymorningthoughts#racingthoughts #running#therapy#mindbody&soul #healthyhearthealthymind#depression #mentalhealth#mystoryisntover#faith #keeponpushingthru#grateful#blessed #journaling#thoughts#runner##writer #amamalikemine#Godisgreat#hope https://www.instagram.com/p/BuT6ECgAXcx/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xeqm8fkuicc5

[miss9marie]

✌🏼🖤💋 https://www.instagram.com/p/BuKS-8uAGY-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ekwnj1zg28mo

[miss9marie]

My dog likes taking selfies too 😉 #Rodger🐾#myspoiledRott#DogLove #adoptdontshop#himsagooddog (at Amarillo, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/BuKSkv7ALT7/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=92ecp06uduh6

[miss9marie]

‘Cause you make the darkness less dark You make the edges less sharp You make the winter feel warmer You make my weakness less weak You make the bottom less deep You make the waiting feel shorter You make my crazy feel normal every time..🖤 You are the who, love is the what & this is the why🎶 #onceinalifetime#love#lingers#tough #lifeiscomplicated#loveevenmore #J🖤🎶#whowhat&why#saudade https://www.instagram.com/p/BuESIVYg-DF/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ozz2tz3h6kkr

[miss9marie]

I'm like that AM station That never comes in right 'Til you pass the city limit sign That's the only time it all gets clear 🎶 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt3h0r0gpNK/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=znoehvkj8ond

[miss9marie]

** Late Post ** The weekend was chaotic & I been on the road so I hadn’t had a chance to post from my bday... To be able to see & spend time with my siblings & my nieces & nephew on my birthday has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received on my bday. It was so wonderful to watch my children play with their cousins & at the end of the day my stomach hurt from all the laughs we shared. Thanks for the gifts sisters & most importantly thank y’all for the love I felt on that day. & for making me feel special. I’m so grateful to God for y’all & for giving me the opportunity to be with y’all on my bday. 💜 #family#sisters#bday#aquarius #memories#ivewaitedalifetimeforthis https://www.instagram.com/p/Btyko7QgVy-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1kkcbumt5emdp

[miss9marie]

🎶 I ride east every other Friday but if I had it my way- Days would not be wasted on this drive & I want so bad to hold you..Some of the things I haven't told you... So I'll drive... & I'll think about my life & wonder why, I'll slowly die inside Every time I turn that car around, & I count the days & the miles back home to you on that Highway 20 ride🎶♥️ It’s been 4 years & it never gets easier. It still takes me days after I take you back home to stop hearing your little voice calling out mama, to stop smelling your sweet scent on my pillow. I still replay in my head all my moments with you. I still cry for hours on my drive back home without you & I never thought I’d feel a pain like this. Oh, but my love for you is far greater than the pain I feel... & I will say that no amount of miles have EVER or will ever STOP me from being there on my days & there’s damage in my heart that will forever remain & everytime I have to say my goodbyes I’m reminded of that hurt. To all those dads out there that share custody- that REALLY care & love their children. The ones who SHOW up & are present - The ones who live for the excitement of seeing your child every other weekend I know how hard that truly is!! & because of that I also know the pain.. I know how it feels to try & fit a months worth of love - hugs - memories in just 2 weekends & I promise it’s NOT ENOUGH. My son wasn’t taken from me because I beat him or because I was addicted to drugs or because I neglected him - anyone who knows me knows how ELATED I was with his birth. How I devoted my every min to him as a baby... I lost my son for being naive & now I am trapped in this heartbreaking cycle. Where I live my life around the Diesel schedule. Where I have to leave questions unanswered because he’s much too little to understand or simply because the past isn’t worth going over anymore. I’ve driven myself crazy for 4 years replaying every single moment but I know it does nothing. I know I’ll never be okay from this but I also know just like I’ve always said. EVERYONE will get tired before I ever get tired of being his momma. & if I gotta drive 300 miles every 2 weeks for the rest of my life oh you bet I will https://www.instagram.com/p/Btw2-B2gr7B/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=yg83kt07w279

[miss9marie]

& lately the claws have been out! I’m TIRED of being the weak one! I’m so sick & tired of people thinking because I Don’t stand up for myself/ that I’m passive or that I always avoid confrontations that they can just disregard my feelings or MY CHILDS - well that girls gone. & it’s about to fuckin get real. Im about to be THAT bitch, not just where they say I am but where they will see it! Fuckin Done. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtwDSJfgnPa/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1qh8nlldkt1a7

[miss9marie]

Grateful for every min with you. Love you baby bear🧡 https://www.instagram.com/p/BtnKwb4gEvP/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1j3ap0uu3ci2v