moodyf0ody

[moodyf0ody]

It’s one of those days

One of those days when you feel like you’ve been defeated. You remember those days? Or do you not?

The thing about these things that we feel inside of our chests is that they come and they go. Do you remember the last time you felt like this?

Hm. 

Just a few days ago I felt like such a winner, things were going my way. 

But I’ve lost control. 

Have I ever had control? 

Why am I always so unhappy?

Why do I have to scrutinize every little thing that has happened, and beat myself up about it? Because the outcome didn’t go my way. 

Maybe if I scrutinize before things went wrong, I would actually be on top of things. 

Anyways, today, I just want to give up. 

[moodyf0ody]

Try different perspectives. Especially positive ones instead of negative. And it’s not about what you did, it’s about what you learnt.

[moodyf0ody]

I need to stop holding back, to live the way that I want to live in my mind. Stop saying, “I’ll do it next time.” and making other excuses. Me not getting this scholarship is an exact result of that. In life, you don’t get second chances. Carpe diem.

[moodyf0ody]

Doing it all by myself, plus God, my parents, loads of money and a lot of cries from my heart

[moodyf0ody]

Surviving. Almost done.

[moodyf0ody]

So nobody will get to know the real me

Or I take so long to decide what kind of response I want to give, or try to be funny, and it’s just awkward. 

[moodyf0ody]

Most of the time, we don’t even say what we truly feel.

I struggle with saying the things I actually think and feel so much that there isn’t enough time to respond to someone’s statement, and I say what has been said around me / to me the most, I don’t even speak for myself most of the time. That’s why the people who know me are the ones who have been patient enough to see the true me. 

This is what I just realised this year. 

[moodyf0ody]

Being off from social media helps me dissolve some silly thoughts that I’ve dragged on thinking about. 

I’m able to focus on the more concrete things without it, I feel. 

Such as how the things that I think fail to translate to the people around me. 

Or the way that my being is so irrelevant sometimes. 

I see some things a bit more, and others a bit less. But, I’m finding myself. 

I’m the only one who is truly alone now, and nobody wants me but I know it’s because I keep saying no to the things I should be saying yes to. 

What happened to my new beginnings? Never mind, it’s not too late. 

But sometimes, it is so hard. I just want to be comfortable. 

[moodyf0ody]

Jika aku bukan jalanmu Ku berhenti mengharapkanmu Jika aku memang tercipta untukmu Ku kan memilikimu, jodoh pasti bertemu

[moodyf0ody]

My dreams

My dreams they scare me, they haunt me. 

The fantasies that I’ve come to accept in my consciousness come back and haunt me in my dreams. Then I wake up thinking that my life was some kind of beautiful, not remembering that it was just a dream. 

And as i brush my teeth, take a shower, and pack my bag to start the day, I remember again. And my dreams, they loved to remind me that I was not living the best version of reality that I had. But, it did not matter what type of reality that I wanted. 

This was real life. It was messy. Unpredictable. Nothing was ever certain. Hurt. Grief. You can never know what will set another person off. 

We’re dealing with human beans, with the environment, with space, with time. Who even understands any of that shit? 

I’m depressed. I”m in love and I’m not loved. Life’s a beach. 

[moodyf0ody]

Love this so much. Literally, me all the time and that’s why I rarely get to save these people. Cos it’s always me. 

if you see someone being interrupted in a conversation, acknowledge them, don’t let them be pushed to the side. if you see someone lagging behind, walk beside them. if someone is being ignored, take the step to include them. always remind people of their worth. it hurts when it feels like you’re being forgotten. that small gesture can mean a lot.

[moodyf0ody]

Family. Is all that you’ve got.

If you have a family who would catch a bullet for you. Shit you’re the luckiest person in the world. 

[moodyf0ody]

Holding hands shows the beauty of oneness. The way that our fingers fit, and the way my hands always find their way back to yours is so natural. Your hands are the Earth, everything around us is gravity and my hands fall into yours. Hands. Together. Through thick and thin. We will not let each other fall. 

In my dreams. 

[moodyf0ody]

Time

This Sem, I think I’m starting to really see how little time I have with these people around me. I’m going to miss Esther so much, I’m going to miss Ruth so much, Afrina so much, limoos, Esah, Tommy, Pris, Nurin, the familiar people. It’s hard to think that they won’t be by my side anymore. 

And it’s hard for me to assess whether they’re my life long friends or not. 

[moodyf0ody]

If not for my parents, I don’t know what I would be doing right now.

[moodyf0ody]

Today I deleted instagram but re-installed Snapchat

THIS IS HARD

[moodyf0ody]

Doctors

I sincerely think and have started to grasp the idea that doctors have the most fulfilling lives. You literally live to save hundreds of other lives. The rigor of the course is just such a necessary component of the job, good for natural selection I guess. The video on Northwestern or Boston or something was also really cool, the insight that being a doctor was the perfect balance of both the Humanities and the Sciences world. I never truly realised the importance of the connection that a doctor was to achieve with the patient. The politics as well and the economics of it, with the organs and the supplies. Damn. 

Mindblown.