musingsofamiddleagedmillennial

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

#Uncertainty

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling really uninspired. No, I don’t mean feeling lazy. I get up earlier than usual, make my bed everyday (well, almost) these days, and start off he day on a somewhat high note. And then I pick up my laptop and I start to feel overwhelmed. Like a ton of bricks is crushing me. Stacking on itself daily; adding brick by brick every minute and weighing on me with the sole purpose of breaking my entire structure. Like I would rather not be on this earth than do the work. And I’m really confused about these feelings.

You see, a few months ago all I wanted to do was write. And I did, albeit quite slowly seeing as my laptop was operating at the speeds of a 1960s Abacus. But I wrote regardless. Some days were extremely lazy for me, and I’d spend them binging on TV shows, but at the end of the day I still knew that I wanted to write. And I always felt a sense of excitement and urgency whenever an idea came to me; I would rush to my desk, flap open my computer and start to visualize my thoughts; creating a piece with each rhythmic stroke of the keyboard. Now, it feels like a chore. Not like how you hate doing dishes but have to do them anyways; but more of like I don’t see why I need to be scrubbing carbro. It’s a waste of time and doesn’t really serve any benefit.

My conflict has arisen in determining if I truly do not have a passion for writing; or whether I’m just genuinely lazy and live off extrinsic motivation. Whether I just have a pattern of giving up on things as soon as the initial high and excitement wears off. If I throw in the towel whenever the going gets tough; or the rose-colored lenses come off and whatever project I’m currently pursuing doesn’t seem as intriguing as it once did. As I type this, I’m leaning more towards the latter.

But the thing is, all the projects that I’ve ever abandoned, I have never looked back on them and felt regret for not pushing through. My usual regret is that I even pursued them in the first place, or pursued them for that long. Because in my periods of reflection, it is clear to me that I did not even have a passion for or deep interest in them. But at the time that I took them up, there was definitely an interest, and a gnawing in my heart that I would commit to this; that I would grow to love it more and more each day; that I would be the best of the best ever. That excitement would quickly wear off – which to be honest didn’t usually surprise me because I expected it. Human beings do not have a bountiful well filled with inspiration. That initial burst of inspired energy is usually short-lived, and goals must subsequently be pursued through continued commitment towards them. I truly get it.

However, what I am extremely uncertain of, is the difference between falling out of love with something, versus giving up too quick. Am I just suffering some form of burnout, or is life trying to steer me in another direction? Should we always continue to pursue projects that no longer excite us, or should we push on in the hopes that something will change… Should we stay in the relationship even when we no longer feel the spark, or should we work towards rekindling the spark. How exactly do you even rekindle a spark? How do I fall in love with writing again? Where do I get ideas when my mind seems to be rotating in an endless loop of three ideas that I’ve already explored? Is my brain just feeling extremely cluttered? How do I get better?

I have none of the answers that I desperately seek. So for now, I shall meditate on my thoughts, in solitude and silence. I want to hear my inner self speak to me. I want to shut out all the external noise and advice, and focus on what I truly want. And WHY I want it. And maybe then, it’ll be clearer to me what I want to do.

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

It’s Ok to Just CHILL

Last week was a terrible week for me. I had no motivation to do anything, and I didn’t make any money. And I kept beating myself up over feeling lazy/uninspired, which in turn did the opposite of motivating me to get up. The cycle continued ruthlessly until one night, in a fit of self-rage and disappointment, I just slammed my laptop shut after spending an hour staring at the screen, unsuccessfully trying to rack up the motivation to write/ apply for jobs/ anything productive. I then went on a movie binge which, to be honest, made me feel a lot better.

That incident got me thinking how fvcked up the world we live in today is. Most of us conflate our self-worth to our financial worth. And so do other people, because we live in a capitalistic society. It feels as though every minute of the day must be productive; every hour accounted for. Efforts must be put forth and results measured on a regular basis – be it daily, weekly or monthly. If you earn less this month than the previous month, you must ask yourself why. You must do a post-mortem; analyse whatever went wrong and tweak it so that you get better results the next month. And additionally, you must now give up some hours of your sleep in order to make up the balance of the amount you missed out on from your target.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bum with no ambition who just wants to freeload on others. I do enjoy hard work and seeing the fruits of my labour. But some days I just want to CHILL. And capitalism demonizes that shit. It’s like, if you’re not working 24/7, building your future or planning the steps you’ll take towards building your future at any given time, you might as well be dead. So many motivational Instagram pages also feed us that nonsense with their daily quotes. On top of that, Instagram is chockfull of people seemingly living their best lives. Sign into YouTube and it’s the same narrative. Everywhere you turn, you’re reminded of how much you’re NOT DOING. And it can get so exhausting and depressing.

So if you’ve been feeling demotivated like me, I’m here to give you the permission to just chill. Don’t get upset because you don’t have a hobby that involves making money or staying fit. It’s ok to just enjoy watching movies. Or reading books that are not focused on self-help. Or just knitting without the intention of selling your pieces. Paint whatever the fvck you want and then keep it in your room as a memoir. Have “ME TIME” that is completely focused on you and just you. Enjoy doing things just for the sake of it. You truly don’t owe anyone an explanation, nor do you need financial justification to pursue the things you love.

These small pockets of joy are what will keep you going when you need to (sooner, rather than later) immerse yourself back into the gloomy reality of our capitalistic world. Hold onto them dearly. And come back to them whenever you feel down. Without guilt, shame or blame. Stop tying your self-worth to how much you make. Start defining yourself by your beliefs, values, and the joy you bring to others. You are worth much more than the dollar bills you bring home.

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

The Art of Pretension

“Thicken those lines. Color within the circles.”

I keenly follow instructions. I think I’m slowly getting good at it.

“What animal is that?”

“A horse.”

“Looks nothing like that. Try and follow what Marvin’s doing.”

Two hours spent, first tracing out Marvin’s drawing, then attempting to draw my horse just like his.

“I’m getting the hang of it. Almost looks like Marvin’s horse.”

Three days later is our next art class. The subsequent project is a cheetah. I was just getting good at perfecting my horse. Now I have to learn how to draw a new animal.

For some people –like my gifted desk mate Marvin - this is fairly easy. It should be to me as well. I’ve seen cheetahs many a times. I recall the musky hot air in the tour van; the stench of sweat infiltrating my nostrils. Our tour driver explaining to the foreigners the migration patterns. I yawned every five seconds, strangely wishing I was back at the resort in the ice cold pool that I hated. As a local, I did not approach game drives and animal watching with the same enthusiasm that foreigners did. But I was soon to learn that this particular expedition would surprise me. We actually witnessed a successful hunt. Silence befell the van as instructed by the driver. The cheetah lay close to the ground, its one track mind focused on the unknowing antelope. The hunter made slow calculated moves with its limbs, eyes never leaving its target. Maneuvering its way across the plains with such familiarity, like it knew every blade of grass, every rock on the ground. Its thinness threw me off quite a bit. I had expected a much more domineering animal. But intimidating it was. It commanded attention. Silence. It knew it was in charge.

I recalled all of the animal’s features with ease. Its long narrow neck; the protruding bones as it stealthed its way towards its meal; the dull looking coat of fur. With furious scratches of my pencil against the soft paper, I attempted to bring that memory back to visual life. Half an hour later, I handed in my assignment with pride and contentment. The teacher rated it a D.

My adult life has been filled with conflict towards art, and especially abstract art. On the one hand, I admire the inclusion of everyone’s displays of self-expression; a subjective view of their world. The silent acknowledgment of the assumption that human beings are in fact inherently artistic. On the other hand, I can’t help but throw contemptuous glances towards art spaces. Many works appear lazy. Hurried. Disingenuous. Pretentious. Awfully meaningless. The complete opposite of what art should be. But I pause. I reflect on my accomplished pieces in grade school. They resemble many of these works. Almost identical, in fact, to some. My works arose from a genuine place. The culmination of combined hours of effort. The only difference is that the piece I am glancing at made it to a wall where people pay to examine it. Whereas mine made it to a land fill in my small town. Perhaps this artist’s work is also genuine and raw. What, then, is the difference between my piece and this walled one? Is it the external support the artist has received? Is it his unwavering faith in self? Who and what qualifies art as good or bad?

Whatever the answer may be, I have decided to view art from a different lens. I consume art that evokes emotions in me. I am no longer concerned about the artist’s credentials or his social standing in society. I do not focus too much on the feelings the artist was trying to recreate through the art. I am more concerned with what draws me to that piece; what it is speaking into my being; what forces are drawing us to each other. That, in my opinion – and here comes the paradox - is the objective way of consuming art.

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

Accountability and Empathy

Struggling with finding motivation? No matter what you listen to/watch/tell yourself, it seems like nothing works? Like me, you might be practicing accountability without empathy. Or actually the opposite sometimes. And neither of these strategies is effective in getting you to do what you need to do.

I think in life, we’ve been taught to focus too much on binaries. Hot or cold. Young or old. Nice or bad. Good or evil. Hardworking or lazy. We’ve been accustomed to seeing everything, including ourselves, as either/or. And that has trickled down to how we interact with our bodies and minds. We either have to be mean to ourselves or be too nice and let things slide.

Didn’t finish that assignment? Don’t worry, you still have end of semester exams to boost up your grades

Ate all those cookies? Well, that’s why you’re such a fat b1tch!

Do you see how totally opposite and conflicted those two ways of looking at things are? The first one is too nice – there is a complete lack of repercussions for our actions and no wrongdoing has been acknowledged.

The second one is completely mean. The wrongdoing has been acknowledged but the end result was name calling.

This may come as a surprise to you, but neither of the two practiced accountability. Accountability is not being mean or a bully to yourself. I think this is why people struggle so much with accountability; because they think they have to be unkind to themselves and of course that’s not a good feeling, to keep telling yourself how stupid or greedy or lazy you are. The Oxford dictionary defines accountability as responsibility for one’s own conduct. In layman’s terms, it is acknowledging that you went against something you said you were going to do, understanding why you did it, and then remedying the situation with actionable steps that you can actually sustain. So, for example:

Didn’t finish that assignment?

“Why?”

“I spent the whole night watching that amazing series and got carried away.”

“Hmm, so you might have a hard time removing yourself from a distraction?”

“Yes.”

“Ok then, next time try finishing your assignment BEFORE you begin watching series. That way it’ll be like your reward for staying on track. But for now, we might have to miss soccer practice and finish that assignment. It’s still due. Talk to the lecturer, apologize and ask for that extra time.”

“Ok. Thanks!”

Ate all those cookies?

“Yes :( I’m so disappointed in myself.”

“Why didn’t you only eat three as planned?”

“Well, I wanted to do so, but they just taste so good, so I got carried away.”

“Ok. How about we split the box into 3-piece portions next time, and only eat one portion at a time? You can even ask your roommate to keep the other portions so that you don’t feel tempted to eat them.”

“Cool, I’ll try that!”

It’s imperative that you practice accountability with empathy. Without it, you will not get any closer to what you’re trying to achieve. We all know that the fat kid has never stopped overeating by being bullied and picked on. In fact, he just goes to cry and uses food as comfort, and it becomes a never-ending vicious cycle. No one actually takes advice from people who are mean to them. Including you with yourself. So, be kind but firm in your approach. Life is not black or white.

Peace

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

To the Ones we Lost

Romantic love is put on a societal pedestal, so we rarely get to talk about other forms of love and their demises. Friendship break ups are as daunting as romantic relationship ones, and family break ups are even worse. I know, because I’ve watched one of my loved ones suffer from a family break up for four years now. It’s heart wrenching to watch them grieve and not even know how to express their emotions in regards to the failure of that relationship.

My first adult friendship break up was about six years ago. He really was my best friend before that. Don’t get me wrong though, our friendship was far from perfect. When we were alone together, it was all laughter, fun and games, banter, you name it. But when other people came into the picture, I always felt sidelined. For example, we’d all be together with our mutual friends, then I’d say my goodbyes and head off. The next day (or Monday if it was a Friday) I’d be told about these crazy shenanigans that happened after I left. At first I brushed it off as me just heading home before plans were made. But soon it was clear that some of these plans were more elaborate and had definitely been planned beforehand. So they did not forget to invite me. It was deliberate. I would get pissed at my friend and not talk to him for a couple of days, then it would be back to normal and the cycle would repeat itself. Man, that was seriously exhausting.

Finally, at the beginning of the following year, I had had enough. As fate would have it, I was not to see him for a long period of time. I didn’t tell him this though; I just faded into the abyss. I was honestly done. The first few months were pure bliss - I felt peace; I felt at ease. I didn’t miss him in the least bit. He tried to establish contact but I was not going to have it. He eventually came to visit and we had an extremely surface level chat, where he mostly defended himself. During that meeting, I saw a side of him I hadn’t seen before and I knew from then on that that friendship had officially ENDED.

It’s been 5 years now. I run into him occasionally. He really tries to be friendly and once even suggested we have a proper sit-down to discuss what happened, but I ended up cancelling it. Why, you may ask? Sometimes, things come to an end because they’ve run their course. No amount of persuasion, apologies etc can fix it. And to be honest, we’re completely different people now. If I’d met him right now I wouldn’t be friends with him. Plus (and you might find this petty but whatever), he never fought for the friendship at the beginning of the trouble, when I probably still had love left in me. Him fighting for it now doesn’t mean anything to me because I don’t really care anymore. To be honest I just think he’s probably bored.

That definitely wasn’t the only friendship breakup I’ve experienced. My 2nd most significant one was also with a guy who, one evening over drinks, decided to pull out all his misogynoir. I am someone who likes to avoid conflict as much as possible, but I could NOT ignore this level of disrespect. I walked away, wine glass in hand, pissed as hell, never received an apology or a “why did we stop hanging out?” at the bare minimum. I occasionally miss him and even have the urge to text him, but you know what? Good riddance.

I know, you guys are wondering if I’m just painting myself as the victim in these stories. Like I completely absolved myself of any wrong-doing. The answer is no. I’ve had a couple of falling outs where I can admit I was the villain in the story. But that’s not what we’re talking about today. Today is about mourning the loss of someone you cared for (possibly still do) but you know the relationship is not good for you. I realized in my case, the biggest problem was me not speaking up. Not calling them out for their bs. Not standing my ground and demanding respect or ending those relationships even earlier. One thing I have held onto to this date - you are not the exception to the rule. How people treat others is how they’re going to treat you. If not now, then eventually. When the rose colored infatuation glasses wear off, don’t ignore that shit, as heartbreaking as it is. Address it. If their response is to gaslight you, you already have your answer. The opposite is also true. If someone treats you badly from the beginning (in comparison to how he/she treats other people in their lives), cut him/her off. It’s only going to get worse. If, however, the person treats everybody with the same level of disrespect, you may address it if you want to. Such a person ideally should deal with his/her own shit first before you re-establish friendship.

But back to my main point – allow yourself to mourn. No matter how toxic that person was, grieve for them. It’s the most important step to moving on. Acting like you’re savage and don’t have feelings will lead you down a path of playing games in order to establish dominance. And you DO NOT want to do that petty shit. Grieve, and then move on.

Also, don’t fall into the whole apology trap. It’s relatively easy for someone to say sorry. But are they aware of what they’re apologizing for? What remedy are they taking to ensure the fallout doesn’t happen again? If you don’t have the answers to these questions, consult the previous paragraph.

So I urge you readers, to go into this decade acknowledging and accepting your feelings. Don’t deny them or push them away. Whether it’s anger, fear, frustration, pain, or a combination of all the above - feel them, bask in them, and then let them go.

Peace

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

Fear of Small Beginnings

Taking steps in your self-awareness journey is KEY to discovering your strengths and weaknesses, which in turn allows you to identify opportunities plus manage threats (where you can). It occurred to me yesterday, after watching a YouTube video and reading through some comments, that I AM AFRAID OF SMALL BEGINNINGS (the video wasn’t even about that). In fact, I would propound that a majority of us are. And I don’t think as many of us are as aware of that fact as we should be.

You might be thinking, definitely not me, but you’d be surprised. Have you ever wanted to go back to school, then thought “I’m too old to be going to school.” I’m sure you’ve also tried to take up a new hobby or sport and then given up after four weeks because you’re not yet a pro at it. You think it’s time-wasting since it’s not something you can either profit off, brag about to your friends or post on social media for brownie points.

Basically, if you’ve ever had thoughts about doing something and you end up not doing it because it’s not grand enough – like a multimillion business - or it will take up too much time yet not produce enough results, you might be suffering from this fear. It sounds like I’m simply talking about procrastination/inactivity but we’ll get back to that later.

So, what next? Well, I’m also trying to figure it out myself.

I know, you might be thinking this was of no use at all, but identifying the reasons why you do things in the first place is paramount to being able to change those actions. For instance, if you dig deep and find out why you drink so much (fear of socializing, drowning out self-deprecating thoughts, don’t know how to cope with stress etc etc), you can manage the triggers and thus help you reduce the incidences that drinking will occur. This is true for most situations in life. And back to my procrastination point … why do we group all of our indecision or inactivity into the lump sum “procrastination”? From a definition standpoint, it may look like what you’re doing is procrastinating, but even procrastination has different causes. Fear of small beginnings is one of them. Fear of failure is also usually enmeshed in it.

Laziness is one of the most widely accepted reasons for procrastination. So most of us might think we’re lazy when in fact we’re not. You’ll pick up your text book to study, then throw it away and find a million things to do other than study. You might even wash your entire house. That’s not a sign of a lazy person. Now, occasionally, this happens when our minds are just not in the right mental space for some activity. But if this happens most or all of the time with that particular activity- be it studying or running or building your business - you’re procrastinating, and there could be various reasons why. So have a candid – no, brutally honest – conversation with yourself, and find out why. You might find out you’re performing poorly at work because you loathe whatever it is you do and would rather wake up at 5 am to milk cows, And that realization is ok. In fact, it’s freeing. Because you can now start thinking about what’s next for you. Instead of going on and on in circles about trying to apply yourself more at work, failing to do so, then beating yourself up over it. A repetitive cycle that does not do anything to fix the situation. Sometimes you might just realize that you are indeed lazy. And now you’ll be able to work solely on that.

For me, I don’t enjoy small beginnings. First, they’re not pompous. They’re barely noticeable. And deep down, I’m one of those “go big or go home people.” Or at least I’ve always felt that way because of my experiences in childhood where my parents only lauded being first in class, first in swimming, first in anything. Even 2nd place was so whatever to them. So now I’m always thinking, “if I’m not good at something” or “if I don’t make 1 million my first month in business” what’s the point of even starting? I know, sounds so full of pride. But it’s actually fear. Of small beginnings and of failure. Second, I feel like because I’ve accepted a small beginning, that will always be my destiny. To be small. And I don’t want that. Third, these beginnings sometimes feel like they drag out for too long. Beginnings usually require a lot of input – of money, time, effort, research, blood, sweat, tears - and you usually don’t see much output, because you’re laying out the foundation. And if this goes on for weeks or months, the lack of momentum is very discouraging.

Despite not figuring out how to deal with it, I have been trying some things out. One thing I always tell myself is that in four years’ time. I’ll still be four years older. Whether or not I start school/the business/whatever today. And, isn’t it much better to have those things under your belt now? You might be older than you were yesterday or five years ago, but you can’t get the past back. No matter how hard you try to will it. And today is the youngest you’ll ever be. So perhaps start working on those projects NOW.

Try this method, see how it works. And also don’t focus too much on how much you’ve earned, or how much you’ve learned- just focus on adding a bit more traction the next day. And then the next. In six months’ time you might be surprised at how far you’ve gone.

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

Normal

This post was inspired by a very insightful article I read https://medium.com/@elleluna/the-crossroads-of-should-and-must-90c75eb7c5b0

Normal. The word itself is as plain as its meaning. Over the years, it has continually morphed depending on its users, location, age, gender and a myriad of other factors, shifting back and forth from having a positive connotation to a negative one.

But, what does normal mean? According to the Oxford dictionary, normal means conforming to a standard. Regular. Usual. And the societal definition is more or less the same. Simply put, when someone describes another person as normal, he/she means that the expectations of that thing matches the reality. Anything that does not match their expectations is perceived as abnormal. And expectations are more or less a set of rules defined by society.

One question we have to ask ourselves is why society is so fixated on the idea of normalcy. Well, for one, we have to face the reality that humans aren’t very flexible to change. In as much as we’ve seen many developments over the years - that may look drastic and evolutionary on a timescale – in reality, they have been developed slowly, carefully, and with the perceived idea (whether true or false) that they are for the benefit of the general society.

As children, we don’t necessarily obsess over the idea of being normal. Yes, we do make an effort to have friends and engage with them in similar activities, but it doesn’t really occur to us that someone can decide if we are worthy human beings based on if we are normal”. However, in comes adolescence and teen years, and the “idea of a normal teenager” is impressed on us through movies, teachers, our parents, peers etc. Some want so badly to fit in. Others can’t stand the idea of being like the others”. It’s a constant battle of fitting in versus standing out. And in the process, most of us end up not knowing who TF we are or what we want out of life.

How many people have we heard talk about how they lived life the way they were expected to? This is particularly true for women – they went to school and did an Ok degree, got married and had kids because it was expected of them, and suddenly they are severely unhappy. Why? Because they did what they thought they SHOULD do, instead of choosing what they MUST do. They chose societal expectations over their inner desires because they were told that they don’t really know what they want, or that they will regret taking the less trodden path. And now that they have chosen the normal path and feel extremely unfulfilled, they are accused of not being grateful. Of complaining about what some other people would give up an arm and a leg to have. And they never look internally at what led them to that point in their lives. So they raise their daughters the same way and the cycle repeats itself perpetually.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that no woman desires to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. But that is not every woman. In fact, it is not many women. Some never want to have children, and that’s ok. Some want a whole brood, and that’s also ok. But society is constantly grouping people and ostracizing the ones who don’t live “normal” lives. And time and time again, I’ve noticed that the people who are hella bothered with how other people choose to live their lives are the most unfulfilled. The most disappointed with themselves. The ones who think “how dare she/he do whatever they want with their lives?? That is not how it’s done! They must conform just like I did!!” – as we all know, misery loves company. They want people to suffer the way they have suffered. So that the cycle of normalcy and bitterness continues.

Before you jump up and call me naïve and idealistic, hear me out. I am talking from experience. In my adult life, many of the decisions I have made based on what is expected of me, have cost me dearly. They’ve cost me my time, money, affected my mental health, and made me somewhat bitter. And so I recognize the same anger in other people who think they must live life according to how society will accept them. Most of us take this path because it’s so much easier and it doesn’t require you to confront yourself – your traumas, your joys, your fears, your desires that you’ve buried for years, your sadness etc. That IS SCARY. But even scarier is the REGRET of decisions not made. Paths not taken. Hobbies not take up. A love not pursued. Settling for the safer option.

At the end of the day, the message is to be yourself. Whether it is perceived as normal or not. Be radically normal or radically abnormal. Or somewhere in-between. But most importantly, be who YOU define yourself to be. Live YOUR fulfilled life.

 Yours truly,

M

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

Youth is Wasted on the Young

Youth. Some purport it to be a state of mind. Others categorize it as the age group between 18 and 35 years old. I think that gap should really be narrowed lol. But anyway, in this post it refers to the age (group) between teenage hood and adulthood.

Youthfulness – the transition from being a teen to an adult – can come with a lot of perks: energy, confidence, vehement optimism about the future. But it is also plagued with insecurities, self-doubt – and this is a big one, confusion, and pessimism. You either begin to gain confidence as a teen, view the world as brimming with opportunities, you feel on top of the world and that you can accomplish anything now that you’re “grown”; or you start to doubt whether you’re as smart as you thought you were, you feel like you’re extremely unprepared to adult and have been forced into this harsh world that you didn’t sign up for. I think many people experience the latter, myself included.

To an older person, being youthful means that you have the opportunity to make mistakes and get away with it, to live without a care in the world, to start projects or hobbies without the fear of judgment – basically, it’s a clean slate upon which you can do whatever tf you put your mind to. You have nothing tying you down or holding you back. But to those young people who don’t view it that way, youth means acne, homework, unnecessary rules, not being able to attend all the parties you want, having to ask for money, and a myriad of other limitations.

Have you ever looked at old photos of yourself, and as you take the trip down memory lane, you realize that you looked quite good - your body was not as ugly as you thought it was back then. In fact, it was banging. Your skin wasn’t as terrible as you thought it was. School wasn’t as much of a hellhole as you had made it out to be (ok, this one is debatable lol). You were looking quite good and life was quite nice. You just didn’t see it that way at the time. The insecurities of youth plagued you incessantly, the world and teenage hood just seemed like the most overrated place to be, and you couldn’t wait to get started with “real life” aka having a paying job, buying good skincare products and eating better. And eventually, you get there. And you realize it’s not as glamorous as you thought it would be. But it’s ok. You learn to love your body. You learn to appreciate the small things in life. And as you continue growing older, and you encounter young people- your nieces, nephews, cousins, neighbors, even strangers- who are going through the same struggles you did when you were their age, you realize how - ungrateful - they seem. But they’re not. It’s the uncertainty and insecurity that comes with youth.

It easier said than done when young people are told to enjoy their youth, and to not take themselves too seriously. Hindsight is 2020, and unfortunately some things you just have to acknowledge in retrospect. The good news is that you eventually grow into yourself and you will no longer judge yourself too harshly. Self-acceptance comes. Self-confidence follows. And then you’ll look back and ask yourself why tf you were sweating over small stuff. Or nothing at all. And you’ll see how much potential you had if you had gotten out of your arse. Or you’ll see young people acting dumb, wasting their time 24/7 as if it isn’t fleeting, or making extremely reckless and self-sabotaging choices. And then you’ll realize that youth – the able-bodiedness, the energy, the blank slate upon which to write life however way you like – is truly wasted on the young.

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

Depression is Like Acne

Hear me out…

Acne. Most of us have either had it or know someone who’s had it. It can be mild - occurring as small pimples on the forehead, cheeks, chin; or it can be severe – manifesting as cysts and pustules. It can occur for a short spurt during the intense teenage years, or it can latch on well into adulthood. It has various causes, ranging from bacterial to hormonal to fungal. For one person, their acne can be cured by improving their skin care routine. For another, it will require regular visits to skin specialists and treatments that span decades. For some, the mild tweak they applied last week might mean their acne is gone forever. For some, regardless of how many dermatologist trips they make, the acne always seems to reoccur. This product worked great for my friend! Guess what - for me, it only made my acne worse! I know how frustrating it can be. To those who don’t suffer from it, it seems like we’re not doing enough. They imagine that we don’t wash our faces daily, or that we haven’t changed our pillowcases in six months, or that we’re constantly eating junk food. But the reality is far from that. We have a schedule that details what time we start to prep our skin for bedtime; we change our pillowcases every other day; we use the gentlest of products sourced from the Himalayas that cost us an arm and a leg; and we’re DEFINITELY getting in 2 litres of water a day. So why is the acne still here?!? Your guess is as good as mine

The bottom line is, if you are suffering or know anyone suffering from acne, or depression, or both, be kind to yourselves and to one another. These conditions are not something someone chooses to suffer from. Even on the days that, as humans, we get lazy and skip our night skin care routine (or miss one therapy session), I don’t think that warrants a life sentence of acne or depression as punishment. Let us also appreciate that acne treatments will differ from person to person. What you saw working for your uncle might not work for me, nor does it mean that I have not tried it… so offer WARRANTED advice with an open heart and no judgment.

As always

M

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

Of Time, Money and Energy

Ahh, the triple threat. Majority of us humans rarely have any of these three at the same time - or is that something we’ve just been conditioned to think? I don’t know. I think perspective is everything sometimes.

When I had my job that I hated, I thought I didn’t have any of those three resources. I never had time because I was constantly at work; even on weekends and late into the night. I definitely didn’t have energy because of spending 90% of my time at work, and I thought I didn’t have money - at least not enough to do the things I wanted to do, like travel. Looking back, I definitely would have had money to travel if I had minimized my spending on frivolous things and saved for a few months. But I wanted to travel NOW. I wanted to attend concerts NOW. I wanted to enjoy life NOW. Patience was not my portion.

And so when I left my job, I thought I had a new lease on life. I’d finally have time, energy and - owing to the annual bonus I had just received - money. I’d be unstoppable. I’d achieve all my dreams. I’d start my businesses. I’d be making more money than ever with less time spent on my job, and I’d be living the life I craved. But one thing we as humans forget, is how much in control we are of our lives - and by default, how much of the outcomes in our life are as a result of the decisions we make.So here I was, with time, money and energy. And almost two years later, I have no results to show for it. Except no money. You might think I’m being a bit harsh on myself, but I think it’s important to occasionally call ourselves out on some of our negative behaviors (from a loving place, of course). As I was doing a review/stock take of my life, I had to came face to face with the fact that I’d been lazy, unfocused and extremely doubtful of myself and my abilities - another triple threat. This led me to be more reactive instead of being productive with my time. Meaning, I’d give in to the urges of my brain or body to binge watch TV and sleep in, instead of working on what I had set out to do. And I suffered the result of not having any outcomes.

So what am I saying? That a change in environment doesn’t change outcomes; only a change in mindset (and actions) does. Your terrible job is not what is keeping you from working on your goals. Your poor pay is not preventing you from saving. It’s your negative mindset and perspective. You require an overhaul of that even more than you require a change in job. Then and only then will you realize that you may actually already have the resources (time, money, energy) that you need to get you started with whatever it is you want to do. 

Looking at this from a different angle, you have time, until you are a second from death and finally you don’t. You have money, until you’re suddenly homeless and you literally have no coin to your name. You have energy, until you’re crippled with disease and cannot even lift a finger, let alone get out of bed. It is all perspective. So do what you want with that knowledge.

As always, love and light

M

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

#NeverTheRightTime

Please, if the first thing that came to your mid was that Chris Brown song, exit this blog and stay exited. Lol.

Anyway, have you ever just observed how the universe is so perfectly misaligned sometimes? Like when it sends two people on the “same” collision of paths? But they’re really just meant to learn completely different lessons from each other.

So recently I was at the club, random dude invited me and my friends to his place. Clubs were closing early that weekend so we were like, “fvck it. Yolo.” (I exaggerate; we did a background check on this guy and my family friend knew him from before, plus she was even attending this impromptu party. This basically gave us the green light that he wasn’t necessarily a serial killer so we could go). Anyway, guy seems somewhat interested, meet up with him a couple of times after and now he’s telling me how he’s looking for a relationship. So I’m just here like,, “Woww heavens, in my insecure years of uni I might’ve been excited at this prospect (P.S he’s loaded af) but now, I’m just ready for my hoe years (and for anyone about to come for me, all these dudes had the time of their lives in their hoe years and are now worn out, soo toot back to your hole). So, akin to Simon Cowell, it was a No from me. #NorAgrets

 Ohh, I guess you’re wondering what lessons we were supposed to learn from each other?

He taught me:

1.     I thought I had the “money eyes” but just hadn’t met a rich enough guy. Turns out no. So still figuring this out

2.    Dudes really think having money is a personality trait and therefore don’t have to work on the rest of themselves. Meanwhile they’re dusty, crusty and boring af

3.    I really haven’t met a good kisser in this city of ours lol

4.    What I thought I wanted, is really not what I wanted. It was the safe option. This guy stirs up some adventurous side of me, which is funny coz he’s now currently trying to “settle down” and not be too wild

5.    The universe is constantly misaligned. Stop trying to align it and pick the lessons and go (PS: I say this from a professional perspective)

Lessons he (should have) learnt from me:

1.     Not all women are after your money. He’s never expressed this sentiment, but I guess it can be a message to other male readers – Seriously, there’s no amount he could throw at me that would make me consider my stance. Funny. Guys are always convinced all women are after their money, so they focus on the money and think the women will come along with it. Which, to a large extent it is, but the universe has a funny way of making you fall for the person you can’t easily get.

2.    The modern liberated woman is not constrained by age and time, and will not bow to pressure coz she’s getting ‘older’. Sorry dudes, if you still believe this rubbish, you’ve either not met actual modern women or you yourself is a bit too fvcking old fashioned.

3.    The universe is constantly misaligned. Stop trying to align it and pick the lessons and go (P.S: This is from a romantic perspective)

4.   Fill in whatever other lesson you’ve deduced from this story

 Until next time

M

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

#DontBeAWaste

PSA: This post is dedicated to a former high school mate. It’s been 9 years since you left us but we do not forget. You were great and because of that, we strive to be great.

Last weekend, I watched a TedTalk titled “don’t be a waste”. Hilarious lady. With such a big presence. She talked about not being smart and how education didn’t serve to benefit her, especially as a Nigerian. Her father wanted her to study law but she was flunking and decided to change her major to French. LOL! I know firsthand how African (and I’ve heard, Asian as well) parents feel so personally attacked when their children don’t pursue “reputable” courses like medicine, engineering, law, architecture, or at least study business. She must’ve  required the bravery of all past heroes to break such news to her dad.

I, however, had the complete opposite experience but education still failed me. I always passed school - effortlessly, to be honest (This is a humble brag). My parents told me all I needed to do was to focus on doing well in school and getting the grades, and my life would be sorted. It made sense; a straight trajectory of life. But sometimes their advice would set doubt in my mind. For example, my mum has a brother who was apparently not the sharpest tool in the shed. He’s now the most financially successful among her siblings. So I always wondered, “how?” I thought life was this simplistic and straightforward “do well -> get high paying job” equation (I was 9 at the time, so relax). But yea, now in my late 20s, I couldn’t be more wrong. Being smart yet unemployed is such a confusing time in my life. Despite evidence on the contrary, I still thought my parents’ advice would hold true when I left my job. It definitely wasn’t well paying and I knew others who had not performed as well as me, holding jobs that paid more than double what I earned. And it was grueling. Working well past midnight sometimes, weekends, public holidays, no overtime. I was pissed. “Was this the thanks I was receiving for consistently churning out good grades?” So I left. Initially in the hopes of pursuing my own business. But I was confident I would find a job in no time. Sent a few CVs to major companies. Went for one aptitude test and heard nothing from them afterwards. Suddenly, it’s been over a year and over 100 emails to companies later, and I still have no job. Sounds like the universe is playing a cruel joke. But in some part of me deep down below, despite the frustration, tears, questioning, etc, I believe the universe is whispering to me “No. That is not for you. You were meant to be a creator. Go do what you have yearned to do” and so I have no choice but to listen (also because no company is responding to me lol).

But back to the TedTalk, this lady talked about being her real authentic self and how that has opened doors for her. She started by recording an audio skit of herself cracking jokes/impersonating accents, which she sent to her friends. It ended up being circulated to millions and back to her eventually (most people couldn’t tell it was her from the voice alone as she was doing impersonations). Well, now she’s a comedian – and I guess a motivational speaker or a bunch of other things. 

So, I urge you fellow readers, stop thinking you have no talents. Share what “little” you have with the world. Give people a chance to appreciate what you offer. DON’T BE A WASTE.

 As Always,

M

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

#OwningIt

I recently got into the Law of attraction and manifesting your reality. I’ve been binge watching a YouTube videos on the topic and trying to apply the principles in my life. Some ideologies have resonated with me while others are quite conflicting. Anyway, the point was, find one that works for you and get going with it. I am now a firm believer that the universe works in tandem with us. If it’s not going right, it’s you working against yourself and the universe lol. Really though, I think most of us turn life into such a big deal of “finding our mission”, “figuring out our purpose”, “being the best that we can be” and we completely lose sight of all the signs and help that the universe is throwing at us. I genuinely and wholeheartedly believe life is not meant to be difficult and/or complicated (disclaimer: I’m not trying to say we can’t encounter difficulties in life; I’m just saying that that is NOT the default setting in life)

SO HERE’S A SHORT STORY ON WHY MANIFESTATION WORKS and how to apply it

Last year September, I was sitting and a thought crossed my mind that I had never received flowers in my life. Yes. My whole 27 years on this earth. I used to beat myself up over it especially on Valentine’s as a teenager but now it’s really not a big deal. Anyway, back to the point. I thought about it, and got this strong conviction like, “no worries. I’ll be receiving some soon” and I just set that intention out to the universe. Fast forward about a week or two later, I go out on a date with this guy who bought me a huge a** bouquet. I was just like, “wow, thanks universe”.

I know, you’re probably wondering, that’s the story??? Yes, it is. Sorry (not sorry) to disappoint. You don’t have to hear about huge miracles to believe in the law of attraction. Life unfolds as you see it. If nothing has been ‘working out for you’, change perspective. Change direction. Change location. Just change something. *Cue in the overused phrase about insanity and expecting change from the same behaviors*

I think the problem most people have with the LoA (Law of attraction) is coming to terms with the fact that your thoughts and attitude have such a huge impact on your life. And this does not mean to say, think positively and all will be well. NO. It simply starts with a strong belief/conviction in yourself and your ability to do whatever you want to do in this life. Stop playing victim to all of life’s circumstances – your boss, your bank balance, your boyfriend, your kids (ohh, I’m too busy to start this- sounds more like you just don’t want to start it) – and take control of your own narrative. If we’re all being 100% honest, whatever project we ‘failed’ at, we most likely didn’t believe we could do it (deep down) and therefore did not take the steps to ensure we could do it, or we just didn’t put in our best because we assumed the universe “owed us”. It starts with inspired thought, then inspired action.

So I’m sure you’re now wondering how I applied this into manifesting flowers? Ok. It first started with me believing I was worthy of receiving flowers. Most of us complain about being treated poorly, but deep down you think you haven’t done enough to be treated well. If you have such esteem issues, I suggest to begin small. Try do one thing (even for 10 minutes) that you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t find the time/was too afraid. In fact, even make it 5 minutes long, to lessen the pressure. It’ll boost your confidence to reach other heights. I personally decided to put on my rollerblades after years. Still shaky and most likely to fall, but it was worth it. Next, stop believing that these good things happen to other people/ people who’ve ‘earned’ it. Might come as a shock, but this is an extreme victim mentality – acting like you have no control and you didn’t choose this but it just happened to you. Love yourself enough to call yourself out on some BS beliefs and behaviors. I used to think only the girls with good skin and flawless features get flowers, and deservedly so. This is BS. They didn’t put in work for their appearance (they were blessed with it) so get over it and find out what makes YOU feel beautiful in the form you already are in. Is it perfume? Makeup? Sexy lingerie? Whatever it is, do it for yourself and stop waiting for a special occasion. YOU are the special occasion. The particular day that I first met this guy, my contact lenses had torn so I had to wear my glasses. I feel like I DO NOT look good in my glasses, and normally I’d either resign myself to looking ugly that day or just not going anywhere. Not anymore. I put on coats of mascara and some highlight and thought “damn, you’re actually looking good’. I also put on clothes that made me feel like a bad bish. Do what works for you. Only YOU know what that is. After all of that, it is now time to show up in the world like you’re ready to enjoy it. Like you came here for a good time. And you DO DESERVE to have a good time. All this is under your control FYI. YOU CHOOSE to have a good time.

Anyway, I hope this helps. I hope it at least gives you something to reflect on. In the meantime, take care my loves.

 As always

M

[musingsofamiddleagedmillennial]

#TooBrokeToBeSocial

Sooo, this month the (broke) struggle continues. I don’t think I remember being this broke ever. Like, I see bogof offers, or think about visiting friends, or just going to the local park, then I remember – sorry, can’t afford it. I’ve basically been at home, same old day in day out, and I understand how people get depressed. Haven’t even seen any of my friends since 1st of January and I’m sure some of them think I’m just blowing them off, but I can’t even afford to hang out with them. And some are so sweet, offering to pick up my tab and everything, but that just makes me feel like a complete leech

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t think I’m depressed ... I’m just sad and frustrated that my life is so stagnant and repetitive and boring atm. I get up, make breakfast, go jogging (if the sun is not yet too hot), look for job openings, send my CV, go jogging (if the sun was too high up in the morning) then sleep and do it all over again. And I’ve been unemployed for over a year. WTF. I’m honestly wondering if I was cursed or something because it makes no sense to me that every company thinks my CV is pure shyte L I knoow, I’m sure you’re wondering “why don’t you just start a business??” I left employment to do just that but I feel completely stuck. Like I can’t move or do anything productive whenever I think about business and entrepreneurship. I feel like I’m so inexperienced and just get exhausted at the thought of putting my efforts into something I’ve never done before. Sounds like a lame excuse, right? But if you’ve read the Alchemist (very overrated and boring book, but bear with me) you’ll understand. There was a part where the guy asks the dude at the shop he was working at why he doesn’t travel beyond (or something like that. I read it a long time ago). And the shop owner’s response is that if he were to go and live out his life’s dreams/vision, there would be no point in living after that. And I think that’s exactly what I’m suffering from. My mind has given me this scenario where I’ll start my business, then it succeeds, then after that I’ll go back to feeling empty and lost because now I’ve accomplished my goals so what next? Or if the business doesn’t succeed, I’ll feel even more empty because this is something I’ve wanted to do for so long, so what next?? Phew! I hope at least one person understands what I’m trying to communicate because I’m also trying to process it and understand what I’m going through (so I can fix it)

Also, I got an opportunity in December to have a free consultation with a life coach (for those of you wondering what that is, it’s like a professional mentor for life in general). Woah! Tough shit. Even cried there. But it was productive and I thought, “maybe I should give this a try. Get someone to guide and hand-hold me through life”. But her rates – $2000 for 6 weeks (once-a-week sessions) was a HEEELLL NO. Anyway, it’s not like I even have the funds to even consider it, so that’s that. And then I have a wedding, a baby shower and a friend’s birthday to attend in the next week. With $20 between me and absolute destitution. I don’t know how we’ll figure that one out. But I guess life goes on

 P.S: I write these stories so that people who are also going through shit know they’re not alone. Suggestions are positively welcome, but please don’t be a dick about it