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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 4 years

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How can you not love New Brunswick 💜

#moncton #newbrunswick #aircanada #canada #flying

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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 5 years

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When you have nothing to read on the plane and decide to read the plane instead! Thanks for the tip! 👍

#travel #aircanada #moncton #sunday #funny pics

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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 5 years

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‪God took you home tonight!! 😞😞😞‬

‪R. I. P. Eddie Money and thanks for the music. #eddiemoney https://youtu.be/3aJvIFK9-xk‬

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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 5 years

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Just Kidding!

Social media is truly a remarkable thing!! Meeting people from all over the world with the simple click of a button to accept a new friend request.

If you’re like me and you use your Facebook as a way to promote yourself or products that you use, you might have a larger list of friends or it’s very possible that your Facebook has only people that you “actually know”! Whatever you do with your Facebook is your choice but when you comment on someone’s post perhaps you should think about what you’re actually going to say when you hit that enter button and your comment is posted.

For someone like myself, I look forward to interacting with my friends and family, I love to love your posts when you’re sharing your beautiful children (real or four legged ones), I like liking that you’ve accomplished something no matter how big or small. I feel your hurt and I’m sad with you and chances are I will leave you a message or comment something to help you see that someone out there in this great big world, cares.

Others however seem to have forgotten that filter that they would use in person when having a conversation with anyone when they comment on social media, no matter what platform you use! They think that they are being “funny” or “joking around” and comment something that you’re kind of thinking to yourself WTF did I do to deserve that comment! Because that’s how I interpret these comments as I cannot tell by a written comment that you’re only kidding.

Now the old Danielle would have completely sat here trying to figure out exactly what I had done for someone else to make such a derogatory comment and I would literally let it just eat me alive. Why would they say that? It’s no different to me than when my father would say yes hunny you’re pretty...pretty ugly and laugh at his cruel and wicked little mind game.

The new Danielle, well she takes these experiences as opportunities to help others truly understand that words can cut us sometimes deeper than we could have ever imagined and every so often we will have to deal with these types of people but here’s the thing someone else’s inability to be kind, should never darken your spirits, even if they are just kidding!

#justkidding #just a thought

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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 5 years

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Where does your anxiety come from?

Have you ever really sat back and thought about where your anxiety first started? I have a few different anxieties and as I am still unraveling things from my childhood, I am beginning to understand where some of these anxieties first began.

My biggest anxiety has by far been driving! I’ve quite literally done everything possible to not have to require getting a license. I’ve moved closer to my work so it was either within walking distance or on a closer bus route. Besides the fact that I have never had a permanent job that I was guaranteed to be able to afford the cost of owning let alone the upkeep of the vehicle.

A few years ago, I decided to finally face my fears of driving and applied for my license. After going back 5 times with my ID, I finally had everything required to write the test. Passed it first try!! Hmmm, maybe I can do this driving after all. Guess what??? I’m still holding on to a first level license!!

As the rules here are different, I now have to get this fear behind me and get myself prepared for the steps to my full license. AHHHHHHH!!!! My heart sank instantly and I started to shake inside and literally wanted to cry. That’s when it hit me, as I replayed the the most terrifying moments involving vehicles that scared me to my core!

The first was a family that hit a rock cut on a highway in Alberta, the father was the only one that survived but the worst part was watching as my dad picked up the head of the little boy that was decapitated in the backseat. Then the time we were hanging out at the beach in Alberta with our neighbours and their boys and a car came crashing through the mountains. Watching an airborne vehicle land on the beach blanket us three kids were just on seconds before, kind of freaked me out.

Last but definitely not least, my mom used to own a little Mazda when I was a kid. One night, we were coming home from Moncton after visiting with family. As we started reaching the only road into Scoudouc, we could see a large truck coming up behind us quickly. Mom stepped on the gas to gain a little space in between us and the truck, hoping that they would zoom around us. But that didn’t happen, instead, we got chased down the highway. The faster mom tried to go the faster this truck was coming at us! I remember mom telling me to hang on, feeling the truck bump us. The next thing I remember was the Mazda hitting my dads truck that was parked in our driveway and we came to a dead stop! It was like someone had picked up the car and shifted it sideways just in time, otherwise I think they would have found mom and I upside down in the field.

So you might say that I have a pretty legitimate reason to have been scared for years when it comes to driving, right? But here’s the thing, I have been using these reasons to stop me from even trying. I was pushing myself to get passed these fears as it was time to get over it and just drive, many people do it every single day!! Stop being a baby and do it. I brushed myself off, tried not to think about the worst situation happening and with my husband right by my side, I drove! Phew!! Well still a little nerve wrecking not going to lie, trying to remain focused on the road as vehicles are coming up behind me, I almost crapped myself!! Might want to crack a window hunny, sorry I couldn’t do it myself but I don’t know where the buttons are without taking my eyes off the road!

Practicing stopped, as we were relocating here and I wasn’t prepared to drive the main streets yet let alone the highway. I did however pay more attention to my husband driving. I watched for the distance between vehicles, safely switching of lanes, turning corners and the difference in the size of vehicles that travel the same roads, giving me a much better concept on the room we have compared to a transport because my depth perception is as bad as my directions at times! It’s not good, just saying!

What does all of this actually mean?

Now that we’re in a small community here, there’s lots of streets to practice driving on, most of which are not even close to the main road. The speed limit is 30 km so a little less pressure to maintain a faster speed when I’m still not fully comfortable with my vehicle and all it’s wonderful gadgets that would be needed while driving, like the whippers! Still my worst nightmare lol

It’s taken me many years to ��shake it off” as Taylor Swift would sing and little by little, I’m seeing how crippling anxiety can be for anyone and the huge grip that it had on my confidence required to operate a vehicle, safely and efficiently.

Like watching our house fade away in my rear view mirror, as I turn the corner, I will wave goodbye to that anxiety!!

#anxietymanagement #drive

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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 5 years

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This morning I was reading an article about the Pride Parade in Moncton. Now I have never attended a Pride parade here, I have attended a few times in Toronto and Sudbury. No, I’m not gay, I do however have a few family members and friends that are. 🌈

I remember the first time I ever heard the words “I’m gay” coming from my moms mouth. My first thought was awesome, so your happy, as that’s what gay meant to me. She laughed at my response, I can still hear that gut hearty laugh as tears rolled down her cheeks. 😂 Once she was able to finish chuckling she sat me down and explained what she meant.

I listen to mom tell me that she was in love with someone and how good they treated her, how comfortable she felt around her new someone. Mom talked about feeling trapped inside herself for years. Always finding that a woman was more attractive than a man. How one day her curiosity became a reality when she kissed a woman for her first time and enjoyed it much more than she anticipated and how for the last few years she’s been living as a gay couple with her “friend” that I thought was a border or roommate. 🤷‍♀️

Little by little I noticed the hand holding or hugging, kisses on the cheek as they (mom and her girlfriend) weren’t ready to fully come out to the world yet, because back then, people were beaten in the streets if people found out you were gay. Not nearly as bad as the gay conversion therapy that was being offered back then, so people didn’t tell others, hey I’m gay! 😳

I’ve was raised by a lesbian mother! She was happier being gay, then she had ever been straight. I remember her telling me how much more she felt like an equal than she ever had before in her life. Mom may have been sick often but I can honestly say that when she was “free” to be herself, those were the best years I had with her.

She was not suicidal, she was happy, full of joy, love, understanding and compassion. Fun and family oriented, wanting to be a better person. The same mom that my friends loved and wished they had! I got a lot of my strength to carry on with her schizophrenia during her active gay years. 💜

I learned that it doesn’t matter who you love, but that you get to experience love in your lifetime. It doesn’t matter what others think of you, you’re amazing just the way you are! No matter what life has to throw at you, you will get through it! Keep the faith be true to you, the rest will sort itself out! Being ignorant to others is inexcusable no matter their age, skin colour, religious beliefs or who they choose to love.

For years, I have watched my mom stand up for herself and what she believed was right for her. Fighting against the odds to be with the woman she loved. So before judging people for what they believe in, how they choose to live their lives or who they choose to love, maybe you should take a long hard look in that mirror and understand how ugly your being to something completely natural...LOVE! 🥰

To anyone out there that is struggling with their identity please know that you have every right to just be you! 😘

#imnotgay

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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 5 years

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Today, I Start Healing! 🥰🥰🥰

Healing isn’t always the easiest process. Having to calm your heart from hurt so incredibly painful, that the pressure in your heart is about to spontaneously combust! Then, once you have a handle on your heart, the deeper scars that are left lingering in your mind, creep in from nowhere, to remind you exactly what your heart just healed itself from.

Depending on your situation, you might be reminded right away and for others, it hits you out of nowhere, years later. I’ve experienced both! Ending a relationship that was no good for me and healing from the hurt. Constantly being reminded that I’m alone once again. Crying like I have never cried before, letting go of the life I thought was going to happen. Waking up each day forward hurting just a little less, feeling a bit better about myself, understanding that not everything in life is meant to be.

Although I have lots of things that I need to really heal from, deeply embedded scars that have been there for years, things that I honestly believed that I would never shed another tear over, I sit here crying once again. Some of these scars are going to be handled with extreme care, because they will hurt for years to come and others are easier to make sense of, so I can close those doors, forever.

Today, I start healing from the many, what I can only describe as abusive stories my mom told me over the years about her adopted mother, my grandma Goguen.

Although I have very few of my own memories of my grandma, I remember her being a tall and kind woman and I do remember that she loved me, but not much else. So for me to hear stories from my mom about how she was treated as a child because she was adopted, was horrifying. For years I grew up with an entirely different reality of my grandma.

I won’t go into full details of each story because I won’t disrespect my grandma that way, but my mom has talked about things like broken bonnes, being sent to a reform school and being forced into marrying a man that raped her, oh and let’s not leave out the “brother” that was conceived during this time. A brother that was 10 years older than me and lived somewhere in Montreal. He became a veterinarian, was married with 2 daughters that he raised on his own after his wife died from giving birth to their second daughter. The brother that I searched for, for years!

The reality of it all, my mom graduated from high school here in Moncton. She was never sent away, no broken bones ever, never raped during that time in her life, never had a son! I found this information out a little more than a year ago. I was able to clear up some stories and over the last year, I’ve been able to truly understand that everything in my life that I was told about my grandma, wasn’t true. The fact that my grandma didn’t died in a car accident when I was just a child, was probably the thing that broke my heart first, as I started to unravel the truth.

I don’t know what hurt me more. The fact that I was lied to and could have had my grandma in my life and gotten to know the real her or the fact that she only actually passed away in the year, 2000! Are you FREAKING kidding me, I could have introduced my girls to their great grandma. Thanks schizophrenia! Oh and by the way, F*CK YOU!

Today, I start healing from a past, I cannot get back! One false memory at a time! It’s taken me a little while to stop hurting over things I’ve lost out on and I appreciate the fact that I can now go talk to my grandma and grandpa Goguen, anytime that I need a little extra strength and guidance. A short drive to Cocagne and there they are. No, they can’t answer my questions or give me the pep talk I might need and that’s ok, sometimes I just need to talk with no interruptions!

My only regret is not getting back in time to say goodbye. Today I forgave myself for not knowing the truth. 💜

#healing #schizophrenia

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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 5 years

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Hello my name is Danielle! 👋

I apparently wasn’t born this way. My name when I was born was Tracey Lynn. My name wasn’t changed until I was being baptized and the priest wouldn’t baptize me because my first name was English and last name was French, so it was “against the rules” and had to be changed so I could be baptized…. or so the story goes! 🤷‍♀️

Not that long ago I turned 47 years old and I realized that I don’t really know who I am! Like a big smack in the face, I stopped dead in my tracks and thought, whoa...who am I? 😳

For years I have lived with some extremely unbelievable stories, thinking that they were the truth. The crazy things that my mom would tell me for years due to her schizophrenia and I was just too young to know the difference. The years of abuse from my father that I kept faithfully believing that this couldn’t be what God had in mind when I was born into this world. Knowing that one day, everything would finally make sense.

Being defined as the girl that was raped by her father was my “label” for the longest time. Then I became my “moms, mom”!

In between I tried to figure out who I really was. Was I meant to be someone important like a doctor and save lives? Maybe cooking would be my best route? I did after all love being in the kitchen! Was I going to be working with others that had been abused? What was my purpose in life? It had to be more than just the abused girl or my moms, mom!

I became a mom and I wasn’t the best mom by any means! I made mistakes, I sent my girls away to live with their dads, for whatever reason, I had to. I’m not required to justify my actions to anyone, as it was the life I had to live. I’ve since sat down with my children and explained to them my actions, good or bad, I have made my peace with my actions and as they were old enough to fully understand the situations, they have been able to heal a little as well. We continue to work on building our bond, even from miles away and I will continue to encourage them all, in the ways I didn’t in the past! Not because I didn’t want to be the best mom ever to them, because I truly didn’t know anything other than being a mom to my mom. I lost out on a lot of my childrens lives, it’s not something that I can ever get back and it’s something that I am now kicking myself for and will likely for years to come, but it’s their lives now that I can be a part of, for that I count my blessings every single day! 💜

Over the years, I became an awesome wife, a good woman, a kind and understanding friend, a compassionate and non judgmental listener! All of this is fantastic, but now that I am no longer required to be the girl that was raped years ago, the lost teenager that thought she was going to be better off not living in this cruel world! The woman that would be alone forever because no one could truly take on my lifelong baggage that I still carried. My moms, mom! I’m “free” to be me, now. 🙏

The wife that I always knew I could be with the right man, the mom that my children have deserved for years, the daughter that takes care of her aging mother. 🥰

There’s so much potential moving forward and now that I am free from who Danielle used to be. I am taking some time to finish healing old wounds that I never thought I would ever be faced with. Stories that I will share once I have had the opportunity to figure out myself how to explain to the people involved, as they don’t even have a clue, they are a part of my healing, every time I see them. Big things that I now have to face head on, like it or not, because of an illness that was never mine.

But, as I remind myself that this is hard to face, one day this too shall be in my past! I will find the strength, like so many times before to fully heal from here on. I will find a way to become the best me that I can be, by forgiving mom for her schizophrenic reality and clean up the mess she’s been leaving in my mind for years! 😞

Although it’s going to take some time to heal not only my heart but my mind, I am really excited to see what possibilities are ahead.

Who’s, Danielle? Who knows? But, man oh man... I can’t wait to find out!!! 😉😘

#freedom #selfhealing #friday

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my-littlehouseinthevalley · 5 years

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