myordinaryinternational - Tumblr blog

[myordinaryinternational]

While cleaning my room today I found an old poem I wrote

“Melting like the candle, burning like the flame.” I wake up every morning,  to throw up in the sink, last night I didn’t even eat, all I did was drink

Nothing works to close the wounds, I can only numb the pain, melting like a candle,  burning like the flame

My luck is running short, but it affects everyone else, so now I wish I wasn’t, a danger to myself

Cause when I hurt myself, I can never get the blame, melting like a candle, burning like the flame

My heart it breaks to pieces, my bones are crushed to dust, the metal where my teeth is, will soon be not but rust, More than I can handle, an overwhelming shame, melting like a candle, burning like the flame

[myordinaryinternational]

Reminiscing about my NEET past.

For the most of my life, maybe without realizing it, I’ve been a very extroverted person, even if I spent pretty much all of my social life online.

(alot of the screenshots in this post are taken out of order, like a highlight reel more than anything, and they are VERY fucking cringe.) Going as far back as I can remember, I have always managed to surround myself with a decently sized group of people. When I was 13, I was Dio on the Degree-Gaming Jailbreak servers on Team Fortress 2, I had my own minigame I made up, “Dio’s Diner” where people would pretend to make a dish, I would rate it, and give them a gladiatorial thumb. I had no clue why people liked to play it. But even still, I became a regular and people started to miss me when I didn’t log on. This got to the point I started rubbing elbows with the staff team, and I nearly got a position, but I turned it down for the sake of simplicity.

Of course there was a girl. There’s always a girl, and a bro. Like some kind of formula that has to be filled, there’s a romance and a bromance. In this case, the girl was another regular by the name of “Lapis”  and the bro also a regular, who went by “CringeSimulator” Sorta weird names, but who doesn’t choose a weird one when they’re 13.

Lapis was the first girl I ever met who I kinda liked. But the nature of our relationship never went further than flirting. Neither of us felt qualified to enter a relationship. And so we didn’t. That being said we kept a habit of looking out for eachother when drama crept around the server.

Cringe, he was a friggin lunatic, but looking back on our DMs, I wish I appreciated him more. He was a fun guy, but he was really deadset on becoming an opiate addicted femboy. While I was more set on living to see a day I would leave my room on a regular basis. 

This is a screenshot from when I found him in a trap thread on /b/, we were both 13 at the time, and he did post pictures of himself. Godspeed you magnificent dumbfuck.

When I was 14, I was Akio, or VCLeijon in the Smolmuffin’s Oven Discord server. It was here that I went through phases where different people filled the different parts of what I considered the formula. 

There’s nothing I could compare to the experience of being in a small community discord. nights of staying awake just to see who could put together the stupidest sentence, playing roblox, ironically or unironically. whispering in eachother’s DMs about who we all liked, or who was in the center of drama. 

I liked a lot of people there, Maylin was the first, I guess. She was a complete idiot, but the kind of idiot you couldn’t help but pity enough to keep around. She had an incredible nymphomaniac aura that she spent on calls with every guy in our little server. Myself included. It is because of this reason there exists a picture of my erection held next to an empty can of monster for a size comparison.  hormones, am i right?

Maylin fell out of standing with a lot of people in our community though, she was so dumb at times that she ended up hurting people, one poor dependent soul named Rafe ended up in the hospital when he realized that his girlfriend, Maylin, was the furthest thing from loyal.

That or he was already in the hospital. My memory is hazy and the logs for this stuff are on dead accounts.

After Maylin, Floof was next, He was trans and pre-op/meds, but he had an “UwU” voice that did something to my head. At first he said he was a 15 year old voice actor, and kept his voice high for practice, but he was also a bad liar.

 After he came clean, because I was 14, and he was 13, the slightest inclination of attraction was enough to make us both dive headfirst into a relationship. The only obstacle to that was, his boyfriends.  They wanted a polygamous relationship, but I didn’t fly with that.

again, hormones, am i right..? After Floof, I spent some time just relaxing with my buds until my pal Matt introduced a school friend into our server. At first she was disgusted by my really, really edgy ways. But after that she soon found something charming about me, and we ended up talking every night. Many nights I’d fall asleep to her whispering lewd things into my earphones. It was too easy for me to forget that I was 14, and she was 18.  Grooming? Pedophilia? Maybe.  Fun? Definetely.

She started some drama with the others in our groupchat, and we sorta fell out of contact. Soon after, I drifted from that friend group as well. I looked her up recently, and she’s fell off quite a bit, now a she/they/fae, she/they/fae is a streamer, with not too much success. After I drifted away from that group, I was sorta alone. When I was 15, I was Akio, on After The Flash: Sandstorm. After The Flash was a post-apocalyptic roleplay game.  You make a character, you put yourself on the map, and you pretend to be someone with more interesting flaws than the ones you have in real life. Akio’s flaws were that he had a need to fend off sobriety at all costs. Constantly drinking and smoking whenever he felt sad, coupled with an intense fear of being alone. Leading to him spending his every last cent on rum and coke’s at Cara’s Korean BBQ in the center of craterview.  Cara’s real name was Jasmin, a really short girl from the gold coast.. She was 14 when we met, and.. well, the reasons I only have a few screenshots for everyone else is that nothing else I said to them or vice versa was that interesting, however with Cara.. Nothing else we said to eachother was appropriate.

From mutually consented light blackmail to, *very* detailed paragraphs on what we wanted eachother to do, or to do to eachother.. we spent almost every night of the month texting eachother. 

After our roleplay group broke up, we both had school to start, so we eventually fell out of contact. Even with the few more times I texted her, the same spark didn’t come back. 

Next post will be about the actual communities, and more of the bros.

[myordinaryinternational]

Im a productive member of society, I pick up trash and toss it in the waste bin, I use an ashtray when I smoke, and I buy gifts for people when I can.

I try to look out for my fellow man, to have a little courtesy.

But for some reason, known only to some unknown college freshman in Sacramento, who just so happened to take enough LSD to become truly one with the universe.

I can't show myself that same courtesy.

Not a day goes by where I don't make a decision that sabatoges some aspect of my life, as if success is such a horrible thing to be avoided at all costs.

I feel like Zaphod Beeblebrox, like some part of me realizes something about myself that my conscious mind doesn't, that if I were to know, would shatter the entire course of my life, leading to a conflict where I am both armies as well as the battleground.

Everything I've succeeded at has been purely dumb luck, the plans i make don't fruit, and the schemes i plan won't boot.

i don't know..

[myordinaryinternational]

Dancing, flying on the ground, moving like tomorrow is uncertain and yesterday is unpossible. Truly living in the moment and expressing it with movement.

Once the dance floor opened up, things moved into blurs of faces and light. I'd complain that the music choice was shit, but I didn't really pay too much attention to it when I was kicking the rug til my shoes wore thin.

But no moment is unlike coffee, they are all bittersweet. As I danced til my heart hurt, the sight of a russian girl with one of my best friends did intensify the pain.

Jealousy may pull me, and tears may roll, but I can always delude myself, she was not my love, she was a crafty "j###ss" and me an antisemite with wool over my eyes.

Right?

[myordinaryinternational]

Prom

Short for promenade, a french word for a ballroom dance done mainly by college students

To me this word invokes pain, pain wrapped in strips of stuffy formal wear, drizzled in sickly sweet longing and rolled in pieces of my own crushed up heart.

I initially had plans to make an ass of myself and 2 friends, but fate decided otherwise. Our zentai suits would stay at home and my heart would be smothered by the appearance of a good friend of mine with the current object of my obsession.

I knew he asked her out, I knew she said yes, I knew all of this in advance, but like any other time, I failed to brace my heart, I did not drink enough liquor, did not talk to enough people, did not do anything to avoid this pain, so is there anyone to blame but me?

Now I sit here in the corner, waiting for the moment the dams in my eye sockets would burst, giving me only moments to run to a bathroom stall, to hide my shame from my peers, to hide what they already know.

If I read this in the future, I'll tell you this, me, as angsty as this is, this is how I truly feel.

[myordinaryinternational]

Drinking at School

For Hypotheticals, I’m a 20 year old high school senior with 2 more years until graduation.  This morning I spent 5 dollars on a 3 dollar bottle of whiskey and a 1 dollar bottle of lemon soda to mix with it, then I spent my first two blocks drunk and my last 2 blocks painfully sober.  Drinking at school did provide an interesting perspective as I found myself with a different look towards things, Seeing patterns and curtains moving reminded me of my experiences on acid, while the general good-feeling reminded me of weed.  Overall, Drinking at school was better than nothing.

[myordinaryinternational]

First post

So, This is my first post on tumblr, I created this mainly as a way to channel my thoughts and keep them somewhere accessible but not immedietally traceable back to my identity.  Without further ado I tried cigars for the first time today, nasty things really, but also with some enjoyment in them. While they tarnish your tastebuds like no other, i also found some enjoyment in the slight but persistent buzz i got. Overall in my own personal Oral-fixation scale i would put them  Marijuana cigarette (Joint) > Cigarettes > Lollipops >  Cigars  That is not to say that they are not without their own unique benefits, but accidental inhalations, a lack of real buzz, and my own personal dislike of the taste of tobacco kept me from enjoying them. Overall, Antonio Gimenez Corona gets a 4.5/10 from me.