myso-entity

[myso-entity]

just updating real quick. Doing slightly better. Still struggling with contamination anxiety, and i’m pretty sure it’s undiagnosed ocd i’ve been dealing with for over a year. Can’t really get a proper diagnosis, so i’m just kinda stuck with out one.

[myso-entity]

Goddddd I hate being anxious all the time I wish I wasn’t alive

[myso-entity]

Man I hate being anxious or nervous on the daily. My mind tells me that the only way I’ll truly be anxiety free is if I killed myself.

[myso-entity]

The guilt of being a whole ass adult and being afraid of cooking or cleaning because of germs. like dude just kill me already I am nothing eugh

[myso-entity]

You can see a large gap from March until now. Thats because in April I had a really bad breakdown where I thought I was genuinely going to die bc of contamination. And then I ended up cooping myself up in my room for a few days, ignoring eating, and having to use the bathroom bc I was terrified of leaving my room bc the rest of the house didn’t feel safe anymore.

I’m doing better now, although I don’t linger in the kitchen too long anymore, it’s because a kind of source of nervousness for me? Like all the bad germ and contamination experiences happened there so I end up avoiding it whenever I can.

[myso-entity]

Looking through my old posts. It’s so awful how my scared brain can turn me against the ones I love and have them be seen as something “disgusting”, “vile”, and “evil”. I love my family, I really do. I hate how my brain had turned my perception of them around completely and twisted them in some terrifying evil that I have to avoid.

[myso-entity]

July 13th. I’ve been working up pretty well a bit! Sometimes things are alright, but sometimes I do come home feeling like a i need an immediate shower.

I can do this. I can do this. I can power through it. It’ll take a long time. But eventually I’ll get to the point where I’m comfortable being in public again.

[myso-entity]

Still alive. I find that needs this less now that my family knows and understands how horribly anxious I get bc of germs and contamination. I try to work through it on my own without their help.

So I just end up using this blog less because I no longer feel misunderstood or outcasted, just weird now lol.

[myso-entity]

I can do this. I can do this. I can power through it. It’ll take a long time. But eventually I’ll get to the point where I’m comfortable being in public again.

[myso-entity]

It feels like I’ve no longer got control of my life. It’s all just germs, worry, germs, worry, germs, worry. I can’t draw, I can’t travel, I can’t go to college, I can’t work, I can’t think. I’m nothing now. All I do now is worry and rot in my house. I feel so behind compared to my peers… There’s shit I wanna do so bad, but I’m broken. I can’t do anything.

[myso-entity]

I hope I die in my sleep, I want the anxiety and fear to end.

[myso-entity]

When the spring comes, I feel like things will be fine.

[myso-entity]

I know that if I killed myself then they’d finally understand how serious this all is, but then it wouldn’t matter anymore because I’d be dead.

If I did kill myself then at least I’d finally be free of it all. I’d be free from the fear, the frustration, and the guilt. I think I’d finally be happy again.

[myso-entity]

Everytime a germphobic character is in a show that my parents are watching, I get so afraid. The characters in tv are usually treated like jokes and nothing more. They’ll see this and treat me the same way. I’m so scared of it.

[myso-entity]

God I JUST woke up and I’m anxious about germs what the fuck

[myso-entity]

I hate how anxious I get when other people move around my laundry. But also I hate when they touch my laundry I fucking hate it so much I wanna hit myself

[myso-entity]

existence is unbearable when your brain convinces you that everything is diseased and that bad things will happen to you if you come in contact with them.