mytherapistthinksiamfunny

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

I was elected to student government in 7th grade and I thought it was a joke.

Some lessons you learn at 12 years old

Some lessons sink in at 32

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

Holy orange bottles

Each night I pray to you

Desperate people find faith

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

Does my life have value? Because I’m starting not to care

.Good morning,

I am sending you this email because you advised us to let you know when we have time to allow access for the back window. I apologize for the delay of this update. To recap, last Thursday morning I missed work because of the approximate 23 shots fired between 1am and 3:30am. The police will provide a report of the incident and I will provide it to the property manager. He has not asked for a copy. I will volunteer it.

I will also provide the report of last night's incident. Where an officer had to endure my frantic mouth while he responded to the violent transient that attacked me, my husband, and our vehicle.

But more to the original point, we will be available at the property when it is convenient for you. I have called out of work pending a COVID test based on the proximity and amount of fluids he hurled at us. I don't know how long that will take. But I'll keep you updated.

I have also heard the same aggressive voice that called my husband a faggot and myself a nigger shouting in the alley this morning. This time, it was at a neighbor in the alley who dared tell the bum to get out of his yard. I don't know how long that incident took. I don't yet know if the neighbor called the cops. They don't arrive quickly in these situations. And who wants to deal with the 911 operator that demands to know my car's entire history before she will move on to the next step of sending an officer.

Obviously that is not fair. 911 operators and police officers have a difficult job. I yelled that at the officer that responded last night. But I'll stop spoiling it; The Property Manager will have a copy of the report shortly.

Please let me know when you will be able to secure the back window, provide screens for the windows without them, and begin work on the fence that may secure the open-plan backyard. I will be home pending the test results.

I understand that no security bars will be installed and the front yard will not be enclosed. I have already discussed this with the Property Manager and I will have to accept it and plan what else I can do. Also, as I mentioned, while I very badly want to get a big dog for protection, I understand and accept that I cannot do so due to the terms of the lease and the open plan backyard I share with 3 other properties. I have not discussed this with my neighbors as I do not like to voice plans I cannot or will not see through.

On that note, I will do my best to get the rent checks to The Property Manager this Friday as I told him I would. I will have to reevaluate if I can make as big a payment as I intended. I will be missing days of work, which means I will not be getting paid for the time missed due to the pending test due to my neighborhood's violent/aggressive transient problem. 

Even my boss asked if I had the opportunity to move to a safer neighborhood. I was not as honest or blunt with her as I was with The Property Manager; "I can't pay your rent, how the hell am I gonna move?" I like her, she's a great manager and leader and I can only hope they bear with me while the matter is resolved.

Again, let me know when you have time. I will be at the premise ready to make it available for the work projects pending.

Oh, and if there is an officer parked outside, it might be another incident or it might be the same officer from last night checking up on us. Please be vigilant with the sounds of the street and stay safe.

I have an update about this developing situation. I will report to work tomorrow. Today, Saturday, Sunday I will be available to give you as much access to the property as you wish. I don't know when my spouse will be available; please reach out to (s)him/he(r)/t(he)m directly for availability.

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

Can you please reblog if your blog is a safe place for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual, aromantic, pansexual, non binary, demisexual or any other kind of queer or questioning people? Because mine is.

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

Yearning

What a lovely way to say “you’re killing my spirit”

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

Me: I had a COVID-19 test for breakfast.

Therapist, reaching for phone ☎️ to call for the nurse... and security

Me: not literally

Therapist, eyes me skeptically, hand still resting on the phone ☎️

Me, tensing as I see her hand on the phone: I made an appointment for this morning to get tested for it

Therapist: we’ve been sitting in the same room for 45 minutes and you tell me this NOW?!?!

Me, realizing she thinks I have The Rona: I’m asymptomatic and don’t have any reason to believe that I’ve been exposed

Therapist, realizing she is not in mortal danger herself... probably

Me: I was glad to do it. It gave me hope

Therapist: Opie, this is not fair! You’ve been in this room for 45 minutes and you just now informed me about this massive event in your life!

Me: Surviving an attempted lobotomy via cotton swab is a massive event in my life?

Therapist: No. During our last conversation you admitted to having suicidal ideation. And you just said that you are glad to have taken a Covid test because it gives you hope. I can only assume that you are hopeful that it comes back positive.

Me:

Are you insane? Or high?

Therapist: No, darling, I’m the little voice in your head that you pretend is real to help you work out your own psyche your therapist. I listen to what you say in the vacuum of my semi-sterile and semi-comforting discount-clinic office outside of the contaminating factor of your personality where you hide who you are behind a façade of who you think you are; and you honestly believe you fool everyone else because no one in close proximity to you on a daily basis cares about you enough to see you so obviously self-destruct. You fool no one.

Me:

Um... wut?

Therapist

We have been in this room long enough for you to inform me that you think your life may be in mortal danger. Mine too, by the way, cause, you know, I exist and have an immune system and stuff... did you forget?

Me: Umm... no..? of course not, how could I? you think I would... 

Therapist: Whatever. You said you are glad you took the test because you feel hopeful. You would not feel this way if you thought for a second that it would come back positive. But you know that by taking it you have fostered Schrödinger's cat. You are now in a state of being where you both have coronavirus and are going to die of it and you don’t and  you find yet another way to do it. Or you find another way to convince yourself that someone or something else is going to make the decision for you. But you want to die. And it scares you

Me: what are you on about?

Therapist: It’s what you did with your last relationship with a woman okay and understandable if you  don’t want to talk about it. Having thoughts of harming yourself are to be expected with everything else you are going through. But it is not fair that you bring this up with 5 minutes left in the session where I will have very limited time to decipher if you are actually in danger of harming yourself or if you are, as I suspect, crying wolf with a pistol in your mouth.

Me, wondering why none of that was in bold or struck through?

Therapist, picking up piping hot tea: Because you know that to be too true to use in your word search games

Me:

Therapist

I swear you’re going to be the reason I lose my medical license.

Me: why  do I come to you? If all you’re going to do is accuse me of being manipulative and reminding me of how much my brain wants me as dead irl as I am on the inside, the absolute LEAST you could do is befriend me so we can go out for shots after you’re done taking yours!

Therapist

You know damn well what you’re doing. You are not giving me an opportunity to devote sufficient time to the very sensitive and very serious subject of Covid. Which means that you are hiding something bigger and distracting me with this low hanging fruit. Any other therapist would respond in a manner that alienates you and makes you feel like a bigger piece of shit than you already think you are. But you are not trash. You are thoughtful. You would not calmly sit here for 45 minutes knowing damn well that you could be putting my life at risk. You are not suicidal; you have suicidal ideation. That is not the same thing. We have already discussed this. And you know you remember what I told you. It might feel good to self-flagellate while you are in these moods, but the more you do it the more damage you cause. And using the medical professional that is dedicating time to discuss things with you and work through these issues to inflict more scars and have someone else to blame for your own actions? I don’t deserve that.

Me

I don’t know how to stop. The closer I get to someone the more I want to make them reject me

Therapist

Me: Thank you for helping me feel scene

Therapist: I wasn’t trying to; I was pointing in the direction of the door. Our time is up

Me: B... u... t...

Therapist

Me

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

The song hoax has done more for my mental health over the last month than my previous therapist. I don’t care where the lifeline originates. I just need that lifeline.

Stood on the cliff side screaming “Give me a reason”

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

I’ve just had the worst 30 seconds of my life.

During today’s commute home, my spouse and I were talking about the upcoming election. You know, light cheery topics while actively daring road rage to strike.

But it was lighthearted and practical and we discussed our priorities during the drive.

So, after dinner and wind-down, I decided to take the conversation seriously and apply the discussion to my day-to-day. I unblocked the presidential incumbent on Twitter.

Mistake number 1.

I scroll Twitter after allowing the vile presence to slither through my feed.

Mistake number 2.

I read a shit post followed by a political post.

3.

And something caught my eye. 

Something something cages something assault something something ice something hysterectomy

My soul hurt

My soul cannot comprehend what the fuck it was just made aware of

America has fought countries that do this! I grew up in an America that swore up down and sideways that we are better than that!

Then again, the bitch ass little mocoso chiple that was in office when I grew up in America lied like he blinked too so what the fuck to I expect?

I’ve seen men fail up towards that glass ceiling that keeps moving higher and higher away from me, making me feel that much smaller and insignificant. 

And I thought that was the worst feeling I would ever experience.

I’ve been ignored by doctors I paid cash to co-pay after my hard-earned money was direct-deposited to insurance companies that charged me for the privilege to co-pay to see doctors who ignored me. 

And I thought that would be the worst feeling I would ever experience.

I have survived week-long battles against my own psyche which demands I end my own suffering and yeet myself onto the fucking pavement off an overpass. 

AND I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE THE WORST FEELING I WOULD EVER EXPERIENCE.

But reading the contents of the tweet.

Understanding the meaning of the words and the magnitude of what the fuck these Monsters In Authority have done! To women, and men, and children! Those that exist now, those that could exist in my lifetime, and those that WILL NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE!

I am a married person. The conversation of spawning is on the table. My spouse and I have decided to opt out of parenthood. But we have the right to change our respective minds and we owe it to each other to listen should the conversation arise.

Together, we have come to an understanding of each other and ourselves. We do not want to be parents to anything not adoptable.

But we each have the opportunity to change our minds. Because we love each other. And we respect each other. And we want each other to be happy and healthy and loved. 

How hard is it to understand that caging people dehumanizes them? It creates a power dynamic where those in cages and those in uniform are not now and will never be equals. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. And absolute powerlessness destroys absolutely.

I thought I understood what powerlessness felt like. Until I realized that people who look like me and my loved ones were and have been and are still being abused and violated by people acting in the name of my country. Mine. Ours.

Vote. Vote your conscience! If you think this is monstrous, VOTE! If you think this is just, VOTE!

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

Remember The Titans and Black Lives Matter

I learned American History from Hollywood films and pop culture during the Bush Administration. 

My 6th grade teacher was horrified to see my potential wasting away on the frivolity of Based on True Event sport blockbusters and Remakes of Dystopian Nightmares, Sarcastic Teeny Bop Melodramas. 

Or, worse, the Hippy Dippy Nonsense genres that encouraged the youth to remain ignorant Sheeple With A Death Wish like Jackass or Gossip Girl

Despite how that sounds, he wasn’t a condescending prick. He was a good man with very high standards for media that he came off as a snob. Because he was. A snob. With so much nerd rage. That’s what made us bond.

You see, I’m a snob too. I had to be. I am the daughter of immigrants. And I grew up during the Bush Administration. 

I grew up during a time of Prop 187, El Nino, El Morro, Thalia Y Tomy Motola y el secuestro, Pasale Paisano, anti-Cuba sentiment, Fake News, Columbine, Hanging Chads, 9/11/01, Pseudo-Fascism, WMDs, Jingoism, Patriot Acts, They’re Gonna Follow Us Home, Shakira, Katrina, George W Bush Hates White People Kanye Scandal, Militia, NRA Guantanamo, Dixie Chicks, A Day Without A Mexican, Selena the Movie, El CHupacabra, End of the American Dream, Once In A Lifetime Breaking News TRL Britney Once In A Lifetime Civil Unrest Breaking News Breaking News Narco Corridos Breaking News Miramax Breaking News Anthrax Breaking News Marylin Manson, Las Hijas De Juarez, Eugenio Derbez, La Escuelita,  Los Tigeres Del Norte, Los Tucanes De Tijuana, Napster, Metallica Some Kind of Monster, Bono, Apple, Pixar, MySpace, AIM, new tech every 6 months, cell phones, Reggeaton, Walter Mercado Primer Impacto, American Idol,

To boot, I am the daughter of immigrants. Who were hyper-Catholic. And narcissists. And abusive. And alcoholics. Who were allergic to stability, progress, open-mindedness, or anything conducive to raising children in a global crisis. 

So I had to be selective about the media that I consumed. Because my mother was a Batman Villain, my paternal-figure was a reluctant father unwilling to abandon his fuckboi ways for his family, and my brother and I were left to our own devices to figure out how to raise ourselves and our parents. We sucked at it. And years later we are paying for trying.

So, while navigating the highs and lows of our own puberty-induced hormonal roller coaster, we had to think quick and raise our 2nd-adolescence shit show of a parental unit.

We were parentalized. I didn’t know it at the time, but that is what happened to us.

What I did know at the time is that I needed to figure out how to live. Come up with a division of labor within the family unit and ensure that everyone played their role. You know, like the mother typically does.

And in order to play my role, I had to be studious of this different culture. Not just American culture. Not just teen culture. Not just Mexican culture. But all of them. Somehow, I had to find a way to navigate life. Since the age of 9 years old.

It’s exhausting having to be the adult of the house. I did not have a chance to be a child. Or matter to anyone. So I learned to matter to myself.

I learned not to trust anyone to be part of my support system because the people who were supposed to show me what that looked like were emotionally unavailable. And they stubbornly refused to divorce because that would mean they had failed their culture and religion and would be ostracized from the communities made of individuals they hated but stubbornly worked to impress and fit into.

And that meant that I befriended a strange array of really awesome people who made me feel seen and heard and understood. Like this Santa Clause-looking white dude with a motorcycle fetish and a kind touch with prepubescent girls with culture shock and daddy issues. Best of all, he was genuine. And sweet. And not at all inappropriate with children. That’s not sarcasm. He was not inappropriate with me or anyone else that I knew of. He truly was a great teacher.

Which is why I tried to keep in touch with him long after 6th grade. He was a computer nerd and introduced me to the wonder of the internet. And internet humor. And being opinionated. He was my Big Guy Bow Tie.

His opinion meant so much to me and I wanted to please him so badly.

And not once did he cross a line that would make it harder for me to thrive and move past the other trauma I was being exposed to. 

How sad that I feel compelled to reiterated that he never diddled me. Sad for his reputation and sad that I have come to terms with how vulnerable I was to predators. 

He was a real one.

I knew that my feelings were not normal in the broader sense of the word. But I understood that it was all I had to work with  and make magic with it. So I figured out that I would have to be very guarded and selective with my time, effort, and social circle. Which often meant I was the smart young adult in a group of what I thought were sophisticated adults but were really ghost of my future if I did not get past my daddy issues in a healthy way.

By the time I got to high school, I was the weird kid

I had no idea how I got there. But I had to figure out how to follow my passion without wasting my potential.

My passion is art. Specifically, music. But in general? Art. Books, Poetry. Knowledge.

And because that wasn’t complicated enough: I was discovering my own sexuality. 

And the first born first generation Mexican American with hyper Catholic parents.

I may as well have come out as a supporter of the Axis of Evil

They would never understand that I was ACTUALLY part of the Axis of Awesome

They would not understand. It would be lost in translation

So I had to learn to be silent with my truth. Forever hiding in the shadows and wondering when my life might begin

It began when I learned that the library was my escape. That I could learn about anything I wanted with very basic tools and that my ingenuity would get me far

But what does any of this have to do with Remember The Titans? Or Black Lives Matter?

Well... everything.

Because in addition to my parents being old fashioned and abusive, they were also closet racists. I had to teach myself not to ingrain their prejudices as I trusted them to keep me alive. I had to walk a very fine line between Daddy’s Girl and Daddy Issues. A fine line between Mommy’s Little Princess and Mother Knows Best and No The Fuck You Don’t.

And I managed to do that with the renaissance of black content creators in the early 2000s. Remember the Titans was a favorite of mine. 

Little did I know

I was teaching myself to experience different cultures without appropriating them. I found what I was into and I immersed myself in it.

But I hid it. I silenced my opinions and tried to keep the peace. For the sake of my family.

That did not work. Shocking.

But I was left with the realization that even though my effort was wasted with my nuclear war of a family, I learned valuable lessons that I taught myself. Including that Black Lives Matter, anyone who has trouble acknowledging that needs to grow the fuck up and learn something cause we’re running out of time and ain’t nobody got time for ignorance an fear with a mad man in the white house.

And I don’t want to miss out on my life simply because I come from dysfunction and am constantly playing catch-up to understand what normal is and how to achieve it

I am not alone in this. I come from a generation of American children who learned to cope with complex issues of race, politics, satire, drugs, over-medication. self-medication, financial irresponsibility, weaponized faith and ignorance. It was the dawn of the age of the Basket of Deplorables. And Millenials were caught in the crossfire. I was caught. And I learned. Black. Lives. Matter. Women have voices and opinions that matter and a feminine point of view is crucial to the success of any business endeavor. I taught myself feminism and  committed to its intersectionality before I knew it may be a word the dictionary I owned was missing. I learned that words matter because language has power. I tasted the crispness of that juicy apple from the tree of knowledge. And I wanted to marinate in its juices until i was good and goddamn ready to be tasted and known myself.

Oh yeah, I learned my Daddy Issues manifest themselves in a need to sexually please emotionally unavailable men.

So I chose as wisely as I could. You know, what with the inmates running the asylum 

But my god am I into drummers! And linebackers! And Cheating Ass Marine  Motherfuckers With Secret Families in Portland who Ghost a Bitch Just When She’s About to Fall!!!

My picker is off. I learned that phrase from Loveline. Another resource in my quest to exist in my natural state

Having to twist myself into a pretzel to please the un-pleasable was unsuccessful. 

So I stopped and focused on my real family. My chosen family. Those who care if I live, die, have food and rent money, and ask me to text them when I get home so they know I am safe. Those people. My people. I go hard for them. And they are various heights, weight-classes, political affiliations, complexions. because I learned that black lives matter. As well as Asian American Lives. And Migrant Lives. And Femme Lives. And LGBTQIA+ Lives. In essence, ALL LIVES MATTER INCLUDING BLACK LIVES. Because life is too hard in it’s natural state to be excluding people from We The People. Because the America I Still Believe in does not allow for any of this maga shit to stand

Because we need to be allies for each other against the real danger to this country. 

Internalized Systemic Racism and how it has been exploited to separate the working classes in a strict divide down socio-economic boundaries that are not easily crossable. This phenomenon is often called a glass ceiling. Minorities are particularly affected. But that doesn’t mean that all white people are to blame or responsible or immune. You see, I’ve read the Handmaid’s Tale. 

And while everyone is looking at the Scarlet Robe of the Handmaids and the Serene Teal of the Wives, no one looks at the EconoWives. Wife Trash, I suppose.

Much like the Titans’ football season. High school seniors in a recently-desegregated town. Sounds like the plot of a Disney movie or a Based On True Events TV movie

Gee... I can’t imagine why I related to this...

But I did and I learned from it. I learned that it takes effort to make a champion. And it is not accomplished alone. And while the odds may be ever against you

You have to decide what matters to you. And if that is football, you listen to your brothers on the team and keep your circle small.

And if that is closet-cases that fear for their safety when outed

And if that is a mother at 9 years old because that is how old you were when you realized you were more emotionally intelligent than your own pathetic excuse for a mother who is really a batman villain who you will later turn into if you don’t watch out for the stalker tendencies now and your fuckboi father who still cheats on your mother because this is a pity marriage that neither of them are ready to end even though everyone would be better off, especially your brother who is a precious little squish but being psychologically handicapped by the Stephen King Novel raising him and who is so much like you but you won’t know that for several years because you’re just a child and what do you know what normal is or is not supposed to feel like...

Then that’s just what the fuck it means.

My therapist asked me how I’m doing in 2020 with my depression and the isolation and what I think about the protests.

Like if the logic behind the protests was up for debate. Or if it was a political statement rather than a statement of human compassion and empathy to say that 

Black

Lives

Matter.

I guess she hasn’t seen Remember the Titans

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

My mental health plan

I might think I can't take it any more, that I can't go on any more, but one way or another I get past that.

— Haruki Murakami, After Dark

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

You taught me a language you know I can’t speak with anyone else

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

I married someone who is not shy or afraid to remind me, loudly enough so I can hear and understand him,

“LISTEN TO ME, DADDY ISSUES! I WILL NOT AND WOULD NOT EVER FUCKING LEAVE YOU!”

I married up!

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

I am Christmas Shopping in September during a global pandemic.

What does that mean? 

It means that life goes on and we have to plan ahead. People are dying, and those of us that remain will need a little shallow shiny thing during winter. 

And those of us that remain will need something that helps us remember 

that we remain.

Personally, I have made it clear to my spouse that I want and expect many gifts, many items wrapped in shiny and aesthetically pleasing paper. I want a combination of specifically specific items from specific stores/sites in specific shades/sizes/palettes/editions S P E C I F I C! 

I also want random items that he chooses in any variety of quality/thoughtfulness/expense 

Whatever it takes to make the moment last. The glorious moment of joy in opening a gift that someone has chosen just for you

I love doing that for people I care about. I bond with people by making them feel seen or letting them know that I find them intriguing and would like to know them better.

This year especially, I need to do this for the people I love and that matter to me. And I need to receive it or something like it from the people that care for me and/or have put up with my declining mental health and decent into madness

I see it as a form of self care and staying grounded through my relationships with others. Because if I succumb to my self-indulgent self-hatred I will end before this sentence does.

So...

Since I am still strong enough to fight for my life...

I have decided that I will shop for my life.

I know it sounds shallow. Or..  R E P U B L I C A N...

But I have come to the realization that it really is the thought that counts for me.

I truly love the knowledge that someone took time out of their day to think of me and wonder if something would bring a smile to my face.

Because people are dying and we remain. 

And if all we do is survive to December 25th, or whenever you celebrate the end of year holy days 

mine are Friendxmas the weekend before Christmas, December 12th, Christmas Day movies and Chinese food, New Year’s Day music shopping and movie-binge-watching with friends 

and the anxiety-inducing panic of rushing through the last few pages of a book so I can count it on my reading challenge and then I can briefly forget the exhaustion of not enjoying my book long enough to ambitiously add 2 titles to my New Years Resolution Reading Challenge

So.

I am shopping. During a global pandemic.

Because my brother has made it through the better (haha) part of 2019 and all of 2020 without a drop of alcohol. He has faced his demons and punched them in the mommy issues

And last year when he told me he was in rehab and had been clean for 3 months and counting

I was so proud of him for fighting his way through the cycle of abuse and depression

I’ve been there too.

It’s not the same. His demons attack him externally. Mine attack me internally

It’s not a competition. And it’s not for me to judge him. Or his fight. It’s for me to support him in any way he needs me to.

Recently, it has meant that I selfishly used him to solve my financial troubles by having him take on my beloved Stella Roland, her room and board, his weekend warrior excursions, her resourcefulness and street savvy. I’ll explain later.

But my point was that I promised my brother a trip to Disneyland if he managed to stay sober for 6 months.

Just before his 6 months were complete...

The pandemic hit the news cycle

and everything shut down

It is very important to me that my little brother understand that he has done something amazing in a time when it could have broken him. And that he is so important to me that I was living in fear that I would hear from someone somewhere that he passed in some bizarre way. Or an all-too-expected one

And I need him to know that if anything were to happen to him, I would be destroyed

So I will do that. Let him know that he has done something amazing and that he means the world to me.

Because that is what my promise of Disneyland was all along. Not a bribe, but a promise of celebration. 

We cannot control everything.

Sometimes plans change. Sometimes they have to

But that doesn’t mean we give up hope.

Because hope is the most dangerous thing in the world. 

Those who have it will never give up

And those who lose it have nothing left to lose

So...

That long post was to seek shopping advice.

If you were a recovering young man trying to get his life back on track and looking towards family for comfort but your mother’s a batman villain, your father’s a recovering fuckboi, your sister’s daddy issues require their own well-lit corner of the family closet, your brother-in-law has knowingly and willingly joined this psychotic traveling circus by marrying your sister after learning that she was related to Pennywise the Dancing Clown, and you have not seen your young daughter in many years possibly triggering the childhood trauma you experienced as a child when your mother kicked your father out on his drunk ass for trading in the family vehicle to the gang across the street for copious amounts of cocaine 

Should I get him the ReMastered Taylor Swift Box Set and ridiculously over-glittered “13″ foam finger that will inevitably be released closer to Thanksgiving/Black Friday? 

I mean, it’s a prediction but you know Ms. Swift got something up them Cardigan sleeves. I bet the foam hand covering will be split into a heart-hand shape where one hand is holding up the middle finger to denote the “1″ and the other hand is holding up 3 fingers to denote how many album masters she owns while fulfilling the contractual agreement that releases her from BMLG and cuts into Tricycle Brawny’s profits

Or should I get him The Shining and Doctor Sleep by Dr. Stephen King, PhD?

You know, the feel-good story of a child who witnessed his father’s decent into madness and turn violent toward his family in an isolated hotel that haunts the nightmares of anyone remotely familiar with the story clear into the second chapter of the sequel that sees him grow into a man that has followed his deadbeat dad’s path to the bottom of a bottle through the mountains of cocaine it takes to help forget his past and reaches bottom when he remembers that he has a supernatural gift that can help save the next generation from falling victim to the same cycle of self-destruction and self-inflicted pain as penance for past sins or minor transgressions. 

Or is that too on the nose?

So far, I’ve gotten him 

A small Batman that he could stick to the dash in his car

A golden Batmobile Hot Wheels

Two Lion King puzzles

One Lion King set of stickers

A bag of All Pink Starburst

Convinced him to celebrate his Sobriety Birthday

Decided to gift him items 1-6 as his Sobriety Birthday Gift

Volunteered to get him an Oreo Ice Cream Cake and pop blue Powerade bottles in his honor. i should also pick up a pumpkin pie and orange sodas and Doritos

Or should I get him The Haunting of Hill House?

Gift-giving is hard.

I think I’ll get him a Czechoslovakian Football.

Or this

https://www.uncommongoods.com/product/playful-sports-mugs#255120000000

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

SPEAK NOW tracklist as flowers — based on plant symbolism

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

Songs in order that tell me a whole story

Enchanted—Taylor Swift

Cough Syrup—Young The Giant

Because of You—Reba feat. Kelly Clarkson

Say A Little Prayer—Aretha Franklin

Heart-Shaped Box—Nirvana

The Last Great American Dynasty—Taylor Swift