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[nekolistener]

trying when it'll still probably be bad

PART 1

it’s my birthday today!!!

i’m 22. it’s not over or anything

but I'm feeling really alone right now

last year i wrote some shit about how if things hadn't changed by now I would kill myself

i cringe thinking about it. i didn't stick to the promise either, went to the mental hospital twice since

putting it off was a good mindset for a while but i feel no allegiance to it now 

i've been making a lot of progress: i started ketamine treatment, i started going to a social event regularly (i haven't really made any friends yet but I'm trying), and i've had a pretty noticeable decline in my suicidal thinking…this has all been in the last two month or so

i've gotten better. i'm only 22: i have a whole lot of time. things have to get better

but i don't believe that anymore, I know things change and bad stuff goes away to the base line at least, but i just can't believe it

i'm not totally alone:

i have my family. I'm lucky enough to know i'll always have them; they do all they can to be supportive, but i really have no idea how to talk to them. i think i just need to get out of my parent's house before they can become anything other than a source of stress

i have some online friends. They've really been my world for the past couple of years. i can say for sure, with no sillies or hahas, that without them i would have killed myself in florida but i'm still behind the curve, it's not 2020 anymore, it's my birthday and they're all invited to real parties; things can't stay the same forever…

oh i get it now…

i'm going to make one last list. 

fair warnings though: usually i make these lists for other people, to calm them or let them know it's all going to be ok, but this one is mine (you can have the other two; they don't matter to me), and i have lied in my lists before, i don't think I'm doing that this time, but i didn't quite think so then either

this year i will: save 3000$, read and write, and finally move out of here.

i know i can do that. i've done those things before, and I'm tried of trying to do things i can't. i don't need college, or relationship, or a good job to not kill myself. i just needed ketamine, and to write about something else for a little while... i hope

i can be alone next year and it won't feel so bad as long as it's somewhere else…

maybe i'll even get around to the silence, exile, and cunning I've heard so much about

…and even if it's not, i'll use this when i need to get through the year.

i can keep putting one foot in front of the other, i know that now

but i would really like one of those good jobs, or relationships or colleges at some point

who knows tho, maybe i won't want those things again

"These last few____" have been really hard on me

it's gotten so lonely

but i won't let that stop whatever comes next from being whatever it wants to be

PART 2: a song written by someone who i think was similarly sad at the time of conception.

Last week I threw a pie at someone's Momma,

Last night I threw a party for my mind,

Last thing I knew that 6:02 was screaming' over my head,

Or it might've been th' 11:59...

Too many chain-link fences in the evening,

Too many people shivering' in the rain,

They tell me that you finally got around to have your baby,

And it don't look like I'll see your face again.

Sometimes I wanna go back north, to Humboldt County--

Sometimes I think I'll go back east, to see my kin...

There's times I think I almost could be happy,

If I knew you thought about me, now and then....

PART 3

This "three" thing, you've probably noticed by now, isn't actually that important. It doesn't matter. I think it's bad actually. I didn't mean to do it there. I didn't think about it, but I might be doing it by accident (okay that's kind of a lie, I wrote the first two sentences first, then everything that's after this, then went back and wrote a sentence to replace the second and realized I had made three again and then wanted to keep all of them. I'm a lair.) I have this really bad habit in my writing where I get fixated on things that don't actually add much. After I wrote the first three lines, I realized it was 3, and I can get really anxious about my writing being disjointed so I get fixated on things like "three" so if everything is three then that means that it's connected and that means that it's good, but it doesn't. I did try to do something with it: basically the first, in whatever the "three" is, was meant to mean temporary things in different senses, the second represented some unceasing, overbearing loneliness or something like it, and the third represented some dashing of the first thing, but I really don't think I got across what I was trying to: either in this attempt or in the first one. I really don't think I can say what the "three" thing was meant to mean other than just by trying to do it in the first part, no matter how inadequate it may be. So this whole thing probably would have been better without this one actually. I spent my whole birthday working on this thing and i can't throw the whole thing out now cause I don't like the last part.