nerdytimemachinedetective - Tumblr blog

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

It's been a year since I've joint this community and I thought of writing.

It's December 2nd, 2023. 9:39pm. I'm doing really bad, I'm angry with a lot of people but can't express how I feel other than cry my heart out and pretend I'm okay when they're around. I have exam on Monday, I would say I'm pretty prepared, even though I still have some stuff to go through. I made a very stupid decision, and it's cost me, basically, I did the same thing twice and expected different result. I am tired of feeling like I owe people everything. Why can't I just be like "no, I can't do it, I am sorry"or no sorry at all even. Instead, I just say yes, knowing deep down that that's not how I feel.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's like I'm going crazy around here and nothing is changing. The only time I ever feel is when I listen to music, watch films, or lost in thoughts. Thoughts consume me. They make me feel that maybe I am loveable. Because I imagine everything I could never have. It's funny because anytime I've imagined it, the probability of it ever happens turns out to be low.

I just sometime wish I was the pretty girl, or funny girl.

I am tired of people "using " me. I am tired of being known as the "note" girl. I wish I could be something more. But can I really be that here?

I am going to sleep, mostly cause I jut fell and have a bruise. Mostly cause I have no motivation to study, I'll wake up soon, I'll set an alarm. You can do this. Hopefully.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

mindless scrolling.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

saw this on reddit.

"anyone who would cheat for you would cheat on you"

Uhm..

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

It's okay to say no if you're not comfortable with it. Your inner peace is too important. ❤

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

taking pictures of you and me. ❤

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

One of the most dangerous things in the world is not being able to say no to people because you don't want to upset them or dissapoint them. This will completely ruin your life in every way possible, at work, in your private life, your sex life and your friendships. It's a way of removing your own consent in your own decisions and go against your wishes, it is always a crime against yourself. Let yourself have a say. Upsetting people is better than traumatizing yourself.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

Uhm, will I ever love?idk, I listened to this song today, not for the first time,but it sure felt like it.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

Thank you for seeing me.

This is for the people who didn’t party in their teens and twenties. For the people who didn’t have that “coming of age” movie experience with shenanigans and revelations. This is for the people who mostly keep to themselves. Who maybe prefer things to be quieter and gentler. This is for the people who don’t feel like they belong in a culture that values loud parties and flashing lights. I see you. And you are valid.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

It's OK to be sensitive. It's OK to be easily moved to tears. It's OK to if you cry at happy things too. It's OK if you cry when you are angry. It's OK to be feel vulnerable. It's OK to feel vulnerable A LOT. It's OK to be scared. It's OK to be scared OFTEN. It's OK to love the little things. It's OK to feel so full of love that it's overwhelming. It's OK to feel intensely. It's OK to be soft. It's OK to be soft.

It's OK to be soft.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

a gentle reminder that it’s okay if you have not had life all figured out. don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself and think ‘oh i must have everything done at this time & place’. most of the time, life doesn’t even go according to what we have planned for ourselves and that’s entirely ok! just know that you’re doing great and i’m super proud of you! 🫶🏼

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

I am super scared.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

Wow, it's almost been a month since I updated this, well, I have exams in a week time, I'm super scared, trying my best to study hard and stay motivated through, really tough, especially studying from home, I will come back and say how it went, I promise.

Will watch Tv now.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

I am currently following the idea of @anodetocinema to watch movies from A-Z, I'm usually a series type of person but I've realized it might be fun, I've never really done a proper movie review before or anything on social media, but c'mon!

Ps-I'm currently watching Wednesday, and I've never seen The Addams Family, never.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

I wish I could tell you that I care about what you say to me and how much it hurt to see you say those words in front of all those people, I could only ever notice you, how you were staring at me, I was dazzled by your seriousness.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

I feel really sad right now and I have no where else to run to. Usually, I go to my notes app, but I feel a bit limited there. I wanted to have my bath and I decided to look in the mirror, I was naked, I couldn't believe what I saw staring at me, the imperfections in the symmetry of my both lips startled me. "So this is how people see me" I thought to myself. I looked at how bulky and unattractive my eyes were, the only good thing I could say was that I really liked my eye brows, which made me a lot sadder because I could think of a million people that'd look good on it. I am short of words. I can't believe people see me, I try my best to fade away but it's not working, I wonder if life is real at all. I wanted to style my braids but I knew it wouldn't change my look, I am really unattractive, I do not think that one can genuinely see me and want me, I like to think that it's possible, but I also like to be real to myself and the chances of that doesn't matter anyway.

This songs explains exactly how I feel lol.

[nerdytimemachinedetective]

Love this.

Love doesn't need to last a lifetime for it to be real. You can't judge the quality of a love by the length of time it lasts. Everything dies, love included. Sometimes it dies with a person, sometimes it dies on its own. The greatest love story ever told doesn't have to be about two people who spent their whole lives together. It might be about a love that lasted two weeks or two months or two years, but burned brighter and hotter and more brilliantly than any other love before or after. Don't mourn a failed love; there is no such thing. All love is equal in the brain.

— Krystal Sutherland [ Our Chemical Hearts ]

[nerdytimemachinedetective]