nerdyydragon

[nerdyydragon]

It's really fucked up when you treat characters like people and people like characters.

[nerdyydragon]

sam: lol you’re good with kids? who would’ve thought

dean: … I’m literally your mother

[nerdyydragon]

"the early 2010s were better" no they weren't. "hey soul sister" was on the radio.

[nerdyydragon]

[nerdyydragon]

I don't know if this will ever become anything—mostly because I have so many wips and responsibilities but also because I'd have to actually rewatch the show in full and idk if I have the emotional strength for that—but I'm thinking about post-15x20 fix-its where, as beautiful as Cas's goodbye in 15x18 was, these are the Winchesters and I am not about the whole "Dean just gives up and dies in the climax of his suicidal ideation right on the cusp of getting out of the life totally not brought on by Cas dying permanently or anything and falling off the wagon again no sir instead of trying to bring back his best friend". How, after they free themselves from The Narrative, they have to grapple with who they are now that they're the ones finally writing the story.

Mostly I've been thinking about Dean being able to unpack the Cool Guy TM archetype that he's been living, the one that likes beer and burgers and women, and wondering how much of that was actually him and how much was [in]effably-written plot necessity. Doylisticly, Dean's the Cool Guy who's cocky and confident and has a lot of casual heterosexual sex with hot women, since he's meant to be a classic male fantasy: the man women want and men want to be. But the Cool Guy only works on paper, because when you write him into a screenplay and cast a Classic Heartthrob Actor (like Jensen) who gives off the right kind of machismo and physicality but is just a Little Bit Too Pretty, and compound it—as Supernatural does—by overly investing in masculine relationships/characters at the expense of the women in the show, you end up with a guy who comes off as more than a little repressed, compensating, and going through the Intricate Homosocial Rituals that feel like a cover for unprocessed queer sexuality in a way that the writers don't want them to experience because the character/show is for red-blooded heterosexual men who kill things and drink beer, dammit.

Post-narrative fix-its give Dean time to sit down and process the royally fucked up arc of his life, specifically the strictly gendered nature of hunter society, control, and of course John Winchester's A+ Parenting that we all know and loathe. Daddy's blunt instrument, who from four years old has had one mission and that's to take care of Sammy, to the detriment of himself and his health. Daddy's blunt instrument, expected to perform certain types of masculinity to be accepted. Daddy's blunt instrument, who can load and unload just about every type of gun and wield nearly every weapon ever made with his eyes closed.

Daddy's blunt instrument, who thinks of himself as a weapon, a collection of tools to get the job done—including the use of sex.

Post-canon Dean's Disaster Bi Crisis (if only because he didn't have the time, mental energy, safety, or agency to unpack it beforehand, though obviously agency is strictly Watsonian since he's, you know, fictional, but that's not really relevant) by design has to grapple with how much of his approach to masculinity, relationships, and identity is informed by other people's needs compared to his own wants: what's expected of him from John/Chuck/The Narrative that he now knows he's been written into, versus what he might have done if actually given the choice. Fics generally come to two popular conclusions in this sense, one being that Dean's bi with a preference for women, or that Dean's bi but the reason he's split is mostly just Cas' possession of Jimmy Novak, even if the personality is all angel. I mean let's be real here: if they put the transdimensional wavelength of divine love and holy wrath that Gripped Him Tight and Raised Him From Perdition into a female vessel, Destiel would have been canon before season 4's shooting script ink was dry. Season 5, max.

But what won't leave me alone is the concept of bi ace-spec Dean, who in-narrative easily enfolds liking beer/burgers/classic rock with d&d/trashy daytime soaps/pop music, experimenting a bit in his own Full Throttle Dean Way, and coming to the conclusion that while it's going to take some serious introspection and healing—which, now that the world's not ending and likely won't within the rest of his natural lifetime, he can actually do—his bisexuality isn't actually the "problem" so much as his approach to sex in general. Going through the "world ending last night on earth" / "post-hunt adrenaline crash" / "archetype expectations" motions compared to wanting to just feel present in his body, to have someone treat him gently and like he isn't just a weapon. The intimacy of being near another person but not necessarily going out of his way to seek that sexually, because for the first time his body's his own and he doesn't quite know what to do about it. Liking sex but because he enjoys making other people feel good, not necessarily because he has to slake an over-active libido.

Just. Idk.

Post-canon Destiel concept where Dean walks out of that barn even if he's still reckless and off-kilter, and they bring Cas back (human. Finally. And it's okay. It's okay. They're together in whatever form it takes.). Cas, a bit skittish because he wasn't expecting to have to look Dean in the eye after dumping all of that on him and doesn't know where they stand. Dean, who in the post-averted-apocalypse-pre-resurrection interim has started the process of excising the emotional rot he's been carrying around, disinfecting and stitching wounds closed and knowing that he loves Cas, always has. That's just a fact of the universe, the axis around which the earth spins and, in the absence of any writer but himself, something he gets to choose. Both of them unsure and scrubbed raw but there, finding new ways to ground, to touch, that don't make them feel like weapons. Wanting and being wanted, gripping each other. Expecting things to be different, to change, but the only thing that really does is that instead of performing plot-required Intricate Rituals that involve blood and broken bones and one of them nearly dying he gets to go to sleep using Cas as a personal weighted blanket, press up behind him in the morning while they make coffee. And yeah, there's kissing and frottage and sex, sometimes, but mostly it's just about being held. Present. Safe. Communicating to each other that they are, probably for the first time.

This objectively mid-tier (and occasionally actually really bad) Hotel California-ass show has burrowed into my psyche so deep that it won't ever leave I don't think. My comfort characters are all emotionally damaged men who have never experienced comfort a day in their lives and I lay full blame at the feet of the most homophobic yet profound queer love story ever told, and it's for sure fundamentally changed my brain chemistry and probably rotted several neural pathways. Maybe I'll end up rewatching it because I'm allergic to happiness and this will become something fleshed out with, like, a plot.

But. Anyway. Bi ace-spec Dean Winchester who gets to grow out his hair and watch it go grey and heal and be happy and soft around the edges. Dean who realises he's touch-starved but doesn't have to ask for that to be remedied because Cas falls asleep half on top of him when they sit on the couch and they both cling like octopi in their sleep even when it's intolerably hot. Dean who finally gets to inhale.

[nerdyydragon]

sorry if i'm gonna be quiet for a while. my country recently introduced laws that make it so that in order to use social media to the fullest (not being able to view ns/fw content and in a few cases, not even having access to dms), i HAVE to give the sites my id/face scan.

it goes into effect july 25th. it'll probably effect here too, since this place allows mature content (tho not full on ns/fw)

i'm very distressed about it bc i might end up not even being able to talk to my internet friends. i don't really have any irl ones

if i have to disappear on most socials by then, you know why.

[nerdyydragon]

It's funny how a silly fictional character can come into your life and then take over your entire brain chemistry

[nerdyydragon]

I love that I share my house with one of the most efficient apex predators millions of years of evolution could produce. I love that two of nature’s most prolific machines met and were like “hmmm. We should lay around and do nothing together”. Now we’re both fat and happy and full of meat. The hedonism of it all

[nerdyydragon]

The world may be on fire and everything feels really tough right now but there is music and art and gardens and friendship bracelets and tender first kisses and softness and cutting up fruit and road trips and sunsets.

Everything feels heavy but you can still find pockets in which you can set it down. Just for a time. Just for now.

It aches and it rattles and you feel it in the marrow of you but you won't drown. You can still learn how to live.

There's still time.

[nerdyydragon]

"the world isn't kind" ok??? Much more importantly are you?????

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Person in my gas station talking to someone on the phone: ...We're in Ohio...

Me, knowing we're in Utah: ????

[nerdyydragon]

NON SIGN II is a billboard created in 2010 by Lead Pencil Studio and is located near the Canada-US border in Washington. It consists of thousands of stainless steel rods.

[nerdyydragon]

Maladaptive deeply held belief: nobody could ever love me. Im going to die alone

Positive counterthought: maybe someone has an exceptionally rare form of mental illness that would cause them to make the grave mistake of wanting to fuck me

[nerdyydragon]

Supernatural. The 'Hotel California' of shows.

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

[nerdyydragon]

do you think the impala is a little bit sentient because of all that witchy stuff or angel grace, just anything supernatural-y

I think the Impala is sentient purely because the entire Winchester family believed in her so much that she gained some kind of a soul

Fully believe Dean kisses Baby's steering wheel before he sleeps

[nerdyydragon]

I just love it when in star trek spock is not actively talking/participating in the moment but they just put him in screen just to serve face and vulcunt

[nerdyydragon]

no matter how hard i try i will always be that little girl wondering why everyone is better friends with eachother than her and begging to be loved