nihilisticbrock - Tumblr blog

[nihilisticbrock]

i don’t want to be anywhere.i want to disappear.i don’t want to feel these things anymore.my mental illnesses are making my family stressed and i feel like everything i ever do isn’t good enough.i feel bad asking for anything because they always yell and scream about money after.i want to be just away.i don’t want to do anything or be anywhere or feel anything at all.i kinda just want to be gone.i can’t fucking handle all this shit .ive been a grown ass adult all my life taking care of myself because mom was too FUCKING BUSY being a crackwhore and frank was too busy with everything but his own children. i know i have people that are here for me and love me and will miss me if i do something stupid but i don’t care.i can’t handle one more fucking fight that ends with a parent child first fight I CANT i can’t fucking handle all this shit .ive been a grown ass adult all my life taking care of myself because mom was too FUCKING BUSY being a crackwhore and frank was too busy with everything but his own children. i know i have people that are here for me and love me and will miss me if i do something stupid but i don’t care.i can’t handle one more fucking fight that ends with a parent child first fight I CANT.youre my best friend but you should know that if something happens tonight that ends with one of my family members OR MORE going to jail i will not make it to next week.its too much.i don’t know how to handle life.i feel like an alien everywhere i go.i hate being in my life.god right fucked me over so badly.i have no one.nothing. i’m sorry

[nihilisticbrock]

fuck 2019

lemme rant real quick so i don’t go into the new year salty.

these past few years have been trial and error and a fuck ton of failure.i failed mostly.i let my demons pull me down.i let my demons walk me into traffic.i let my demons draw me to drugs and sex.i tried to fill a void that i didn’t know existed.that void i don’t know if it can be filled.

my heart has been broken this year an unholy number of times and i’ve been betrayed by people i trusted most.

i’ve lost my ways.i used to be so good in school,so focused.now i am failing harder than ever.

i let people walk all over me this year and i am not proud of that.

this year wasn’t all bad,though.i got to meet some great people and did some cool things.

i am proud of the journey i started this year.the journey to ‘fix’ myself.proud that i found help.help us out there.

[nihilisticbrock]

SISTER COUSINS

ALBUM:HOMOPHOBAPHOBIA

PLASTIC KNIFE KISSES

WARNING : this song is about abusive and neglectful relationships

the sting on her cheek and the tears in her eyes

you can see it so clear

that he doesn’t even care

she screams and she shrieks but at the end of the day she’ll always come back

and that’s because his love burns like a fire in the sky

his love hurts like the cuts from a plastic knife

she’ll say she’s had enough

she’s given all her love

her tears start to dry and she leaves to live her life

everyday she’ll smile and get along for a while but she misses those plastic knife kisses

she’s knows that it’s wrong she knows that he’s gone

she’ll go out with her mates and have a hella time

singing and dancing and drinking away her plastic kiss memories

she finds a man and she lets him take her home

he’ll have his way and she’ll get up and say

love burns like a fire in the sky

love cuts like a plastic butter knife

she’ll say she’s had enough

she’s given all her love

her tears start to dry

she leaves to live her life

but she can’t get rid of the plastic knife kisses

[nihilisticbrock]

SISTER COUSINS

ALBUM:HOMOPHOBAPHOBIA

DIAMOND EYES

Written by TJ Brock.Preformed by Harmony Davis and TJ Brock,SISTER COUSINS.Copywrite SISTER COUSINS,2019.

diamond eyes

diamond eyes

they shine with the sun and they travel with the winds

diamond eyes

diamond eyes

they float with love and flick with hope because they’re

diamond eyes

diamond eyes

they’re blue and green and brown,they’re grey,they’re black

still you’ve got look at those diamond eyes

diamond eyes

they way they shine seem to hide all they hate and hurt

they can change a mind with a glance and they can hold a smile

but the way they look down at the ground every so often

you can tell that all they are isn’t just diamond eyes

diamond eyes

diamond eyes

those diamond eyes don’t ever lie you have just got to look deep inside

diamond eyes can hide the baggage but now you know that those diamond eyes can take a challenge

[nihilisticbrock]

SISTER COUSINS

ALBUM:HOMOPHOBAPHOBIA

HIDE.Written by TJ Brock.Preformed by Harmony Davis and TJ Brock.

Copywrite 2019 SISTER COUSINS

WARNING- this song contains cuss words and degrogatory words towards the lgbt community.also mentions of cutting and depression.this is a song i wrote on december 30 after my brother called a boy in a skirt gay(but in a very rude way.)

-what do you call someone who’s afraid of homophobes?

homophobaphobic?

-you call them gay

-listen if faggots want to fuck other faggots just let em fuck,them fooking faggots

society is a box and it’s locked

the walls are high so i cry

stay inside

-don’t let them see who you are

-i can’t let them see who i am

society is a box and it’s locked

the walls are high so i cry

and stay inside

i’ve got to hide

i can’t let them see who i am

i’m tied down

i can’t get out

but fuck it i’ve still got pride

i don’t like to hide so i run the walls and climb to the top

i’m not gonna let this fucking flop

this fucking box is non stop

it’s torture

it’s hell

so i guess they were right

gays do go to hell

every single day when we walk outside

our arms are covered and our eyes seem like we haven’t cried

and you think we’re fine but all we do is hide

inside and out WE ALL FUCKING HIDE

not anymore

you’ll have to watch us soar with pride

you can’t guide us away

society is a box

and i will not hide inside

[nihilisticbrock]

Taedmere|Show Them What The Willow Holds(TWO)

(Also posted on my wattpad tatedixon.)

"Show them when—"

"Het.Jank 'what'.Madin laka.(No.Its 'what'.Start over.)"Adianna stood over Chloe's shoulder watching as her finger trailed the old book of Nazdust to English.

“Show them what the Willow holds."Chloe said with a smile,although a little weird out by the odd language."Giena cotali(very good)!!"Adianna praised as the smaller girl got up and ran to her father,repeating the English words until they became familiar.

"Laman(Father)!Show them what the Willow holds!"She said with glee as she climbed onto her fathers lap,smiling when his face lit up."I am a good teacher,no?"Adianna smirked as she leaned against the door frame,looking into Codie and Cameron's room."Very.I'm surprised anything you taught her actually stuck she barley could introduce herself last cycle.Klang h hon lonlil panak(look at my little girl)!"

"I think we start on the alphabet tomorrow,now that she knows our words.Cotali(yeah)?" Although the smaller girl didn't understand what was said before,she nodded vigorously,eager to learn more English.

"That sounds amazing.For now,go into town and find your brother,please?"Cameron gave the girl a puppy-dog look,pouting while fighting his smile."Where should he be?Make my job easier?"

"The worship hall at the edge of town,probably.He was helping John with the bunker."

"Bani(see you)!"She shouted as she stepped out the door and quickly made her way to the worship hall at the end of the market road.

Not bothering to knock or call out for her brother and uncle,she immediately when through the main hallway and out the back door,making her way to the bunker."Jaren?John?"She called down into the hole."Hen justal(you there),Jaren?!"

"Cotali(yes)!"His face popped up infront of the girl and scared her,knocking her back into the bush over the bunkers entrance."I'm sorry,lanoka(sister)!"He said as he crawled out,John behind him."Z-zanapop hen,lanon(fuck you,brother)."The blonde said out of breath,leaning into the bush,making the men chuckle."Cameron called me to get you,"she said,grabbing John's hand as he pulled her up.

"What's he need?"

"I don't know."The girl shrugged,wiping off her dress.

"Real helpful,Addi."

A shrill scream broke their conversation,all the way down the market road and at the edge of the docks.They ran quickly,meeting up with a large crowd of people scattering the opposite way,including their family."Het(no)!!The vikings are coming!"Codie pulled Adianna to their home while the men helped the civilians into the bunker,quickly covering the hatch up and running back to the home.

Chloe hid under a bed Adianna,holding her hand as she sung a song that her grandmother used to sing her.Loud war cries could be heard approaching the home at the edge of town,growing louder by the second.

The Huckslie's left the door wide open.Standing in the main room with stone impressions on their faces."Where are all your people?"A man with puffy hair asked,flipping his hair as her got close to Ryissa.

"They're all in Konpeir.We expected this would happen so we prepared,"Ryaan spoke as calmly as possible,holding his wife's hand."Are they now?"The mans voice was extremely deep for his face.He appeared only 19 years of age yet sounded like the grown man you expected to run a viking clan."Because,"he handed his battle ax to a younger boy next to him,"I don't particularly like liars.If you would like to tell me we're your people and your valuables really are...I'd consider not skinning them all alive."

"Konpeir."Ryaan stood strong."It is just us."

"You know,that's odd because we've already taken over Konpeir..."the mans words caused the family's hearts to hit the floor,"and I've not heard of any large groups staying there.Have you,Malaki?"

"No."The man in the front of the group hummed,cracking his knuckles before throwing a hard punch at the Ushtonna leader."I said I didn't like liars,Mr...I'm sorry,I didn't catch your name."

"Ryaan,Huckslie."The father said as he spat out blood,looking under the bed form his new place on the floor and giving the girls a reassuring smile and mumbling that he loved them."Well,rest in peace,Sir Huckslie."The vikings swung down his ax,taking of the mans head in one quick hit.The family all screamed,huddling into each other while Adianna's hands covered Chloes eyes and mouth,trying to keep their whereabouts hidden from the pagans that killed her father in cold blood.

"Now if someone wants to tell me,where's your crap?!"He grabbed Ryissa's elbow and yanked her to him,her back against his chest."Someone should tell me...before momma here gets hurt."

"Don't,"Ryissa strained against the dagger pressed flush against her neck,"don't do it."

The family kept her wish,instead watching silently as the man killed her,leaving three of the Huckslie's orphans.

As she watched her mother's body fall next to her fathers,a particularly loud sob wracked Adianna's body."Who was that,"finally another viking spoke up."'Twas me,"Codie said,trying to keep her daughter and sister save."You don't seem to be crying,red bird."The younger boy, know as Malaki,pushed Codie to the floor and walked over to the bed,hearing the sobs and sniffles grow louder.

"What have we got here,"Malaki said,easily flipping the bed and looking down at the girls as they scrambled to get up,Adianna letting Chloe run out to the back door and watching her run to the woods before the viking boy pulled her back."Oh no,no,"he said softly,looking at the girl as she struggled in his arms."Chloe,keep running!Find Janson!"A hand was slapped over her mouth and she was pulled away from the door.

"Looky here,"Malaki pushed her down,smirking as she backed herself into a wall.Her hair was stuck to her head and her eyes were wide as she saw her parents corpses closer,her jaw hung open for a moment before the raven haired boy pushed it closed."Wheres Chloe,"Cameron asked,on the verge of a panic attack."Shut up,"The main viking said,walking to the girl."She ran.I told her to find Janson."

"I said shut up,girl,are you deaf?"She looked up to the man and held no expression,the only clue to what she was feeling was her tear stained cheeks."Are you deaf,I asked?!"

"No!I'm not deaf!"

"Who are you?"Malaki asked,seeming not so menacing as he leaned down to her level."Adianna Huckslie."

"Oooh.Sorry 'bout that then.Was that momma and daddy dearest?"

"...Yes."Her voice broke,making the vikings chuckle,her family look down in shame."Have you lost someone like that before?"She shook her head and kept her eyes straight at the wall infront of her."Would you like to loose more like that?"She shook her head again."Then you can show me were your people are?"

"Addi,no,"Jaren was cut off by a man slapping him,sending him to the floor,John quickly bending down to help him."Well?I can promise that I will spare your family."

"Vikings are dirty cheats,and their promises mean the same as chicken shit."She hissed,finally daring to look the man in the eye,tears freely falling,not stopping her."Huh.Cute."He stood and made the family stand in a line.

Malaki stood beside the girl all the while,staring down at her and taking in her features."I wonder which one of these assholes you care about most,Addi?Want to make it easy and tell me?"

"Zanapop hen(fuck you.),"she whispered."What was that,doll?"She slowly stood up,"I'll show you...Our people,our gold.I'll take them to you."

The family protested,not daring to move with the archer pointing at the line."Good,"he said in a menacing tone,"you don't mind if we tie up your hands,do you?"She rolled her eyes and held out her wrist.

She lead them down the road,gulping to try and ease her tension."Whats your names,"she asked suddenly,still looking forward."Mines Ezra,this is my brother Malaki,"those were the only names she memorized,only taking others into the back of her mind.

"I don't apologize for killing your parents,"Ezra said,"it had to be done."

"Sure,I get it."Her words shocked the group."You do?"

She nodded,"power does not come easily.And neither does ego.You killed my parents because you could,you wanted to.Wanted to prove a point.The point that you think you are stronger than us but in reality you haven't realized yet that we all have much stronger mentalities than you pagans."

The girls sass truly amused the vikings,most woman in places they've taken over had been sobbing and screaming,kicking and praying to be let go.But this girl told them right to their faces that she believed them to be cowards.

"A sassy little girl like that needs to be claimed,"a man said with a snicker,making Malaki stop and turn to him with a deadly glare."No,"he slid his blade across the mans neck,making everyone stop and look on in confusion."Nobody should talk about a princess like that,"he said in response to the looks people gave him.

“I'm no princess."She said simply,ignoring the blood on Malaki's hand and he grabbed the rope around her wrist and dragged her quicker."You will be the Taedmere princess.You will marry me,"he said in a matter-of-fact-tone.

"What?!"

"I didn't stutter,Addi."

[nihilisticbrock]

Taedmere|Huckslie Pride(ONE)

In which-a viking boy and a kind girl from Nadzust fall in love.(Before we start-let me say that I’m not a professional writer-Imma teenager who writes for fun.This story is also on wattpad on my profile tatedixon.)

USHTONNA DISTRICT,NAZDUST

"Mornin' to ya',Henry!'Tis a beautiful day to be alive!"Adianna greeted the familiar man with a smile."Morning,Miss Huckslie!"The elder man called from behind his booth,laughing at the girl as she ran to catch up with her family.

Ryaan was the patriarch of the household,a stern but loving father figure that kept his family in line,as well as keeping the town peaceful and orderly.His hair was almost completely gone,what was left was light brown,his eyes were worn and somehow still shining with hope.

Ryissa was his one and only,the love of his life and the mother of his 3 wonderful children.She had blonde hair,always kept up in a bun and often covered with a scarf.Her eyes were deep-set and brown,the most often trait in Nazdust.

Codie was the oldest sibling,a beautiful lady with long flowy red locks and dark green eyes,almost brown.She was always going on about what it felt like to be a mother and how she couldn't wait until Adianna had a child of her own.Her husband,Cameron was almost seven damn feet tall,lingering over everyone else in the town.He had a puffy beard and kind eyes,always smiling at people and trying to cheer them up.

Jaren Huckslie was the second eldest sibling.His brown hair was somewhat kept neat,his height average,as well as his brown eyes.He was mostly known for his humor.

His husband,John,had shoulder length white hair with dark roots,and "unna jiks monnak" or,blue eye holes,as Adianna called them,making fun of him because his eyes were almost rare,he was slightly tall and a bit of a chubby man,but was always in good shape and paying tag with her and Chloe.

Chloe was the youngest of the bunch,Codie and Cameron's only child.6 years old but acting like she was a proper lady.She had blonde hair like her grandmother and grey eyes like her great uncle.

Then there was her.Adianna Huckslie was a simple girl with high hopes and a bright future ahead.14 years old,long blonde hair held back by two french braids her sister put together that morning.She had puffy cheeks and a small uprising chin that led to her cracked,baby pink lips.Pale skin like many other Daagri people,and unusually green, almond shaped eyes.Her clothing was just about as simple as her looks,a loose baby-blue dress,long sleeves for the approaching winter months and black stockings to her knees to cover what was left from the dress,only giving her a figure by a old leather belt tied above her hips,holding a small green pouch.Her boots were short and flat-heeled,giving her the freedom she so desired to run and climb.She carried her coat in the bend of her elbow,watching the black fabrics bounce with each of her steps.The girl was known for her kindness and energy,always running around town with the others her age and coming up with games to play.

Cool and crisp air pushed the flag around,wrapping and unwrapping it around the rusting pole.The strings that bound the fabric was plain and black,braided tightly by the Ryissa and Codie.The block of fabric base was a navy blue,two strips of silver cotton stitched down either side of it,leaving a small part on each end of the flag.In the middle was a large emblem of a old willow,surrounded by words of the native Nadzust language.The patchwork represented how they refused to be cut down,their history hold strong like the willows roots.

“Natakoi Matazi."Adianna Huckslie whispered as she looked up at the flag of her people."Nothing better."Jaren translates for Chloe,nodding in agreement."Cot,nah.(Come,now)King Janson is very impatient."She huffed out a laughed,letting him pulled her along to the border of town.

<><>

MARIKONZA,CAPITAL OF NAZDUST

Inside of the 'Kings' home was extremely extravagant,oil lamps lighting up the halls that weren't seen by the sun.

“Mazataka(hello),my King,"Ryaan greeted, down at the kings foot."Ginik,hen manna(Rise,you idiot)."The kings sudden words made Adianna snort and slap a hand over her mouth."You know there's is no such need for formality.We both hate these things so why pretend we don't?"King Janson said,standing and hugging the man for a moment before turning to the rest of the family.

“Ah,you've all grown so much."He leaned down to Chloe,who hid slightly behind her fathers leg."And I don't think I've met the newest addition,have I?"Cameron pushed her out from behind her gently and told her to be polite.

“Hello,sir-king-man!I'm Chloe,I'm six,and you scare me!"She said quickly in the unfamiliar language,making the King chuckle."Theres no need to be afraid of me,dear.The town your grandfather runs is by far my favorite in the Nazdust kingdom.I do love the Ushtonna people,I find them the..."Janson thought for a moment,"the most real.And intelligent."

“Well.I had no idea that we were smart,"John said to Jaren,earning a small laugh."Ah,my boys!"Janson smooshed the couple between him in a group hug."Have you gotten married yet?"They nodded with wide,goofy smiles etched on both of their faces.

“Enough socializing,please?"The queen,Andrea,called as she entered the room,"there is serious matters at hand.The vikings have been getting closer and closer to Nazdust with every attack.We fear we may be next."

“That is why we were called here,"Ryaan asked,sitting across from the Queen at a large table,his family filling the side he was on."I'm afraid so,yes.Those pagans have gotten to most of Europe by now,they've already passed into Wolemere...knowing the Wolemere people,they won't last long.And with the patterns that we've found,the vikings should be over with them in about a moon cycle."

“What are we to do?"Codie asked her father,holding onto a now petrified Chloe."I say we hide.Somewhere in the forrest,take our valuables and dig a hole."

“They'd know what we've done.The boats would still be docked and our homes would still be standing.They are most likely to burn the villages down,either way."Adianna spoke up,earning a quick glare from her mother."The girl has a point."King Janson nodded,giving nu the girl a quick smile,"maybe we set out valuables and a few men out to sea and down to Konpier."

"That's almost a two cycle journey,it's too dangerous just for a shot in the dark."

The Kings face flushed as he placed his hands flat on the table,screaming,"then what are we to do,Huckslie?!"

“Fight back.Use our smarts against them.Show them what the willow holds."

[nihilisticbrock]

Reblog if you’re autistic, support autistic people, or if your meat is HUGE

[nihilisticbrock]

one time i was in the public bathroom and i was going to warsh my hands and this country girl came in and looked at me and said "howdy" i got nervous and yelled "yeehaw" and ran out of the bathroom because of embarrassment

[nihilisticbrock]

honey you don't need no mann in your life!! you good without one because you a strong and independent hoe ❤️ baby girl you'll be good and find the right one some day😍 just know i got yo back if you burn someone's house down😂🖕🏻 (******’s house to be exact🤤 but yeah we're partners in crime (literally) lmao i love you, you crazy bitch😍🤣☠️💤🙄🌼

~Tara (ell) ❤️🤤

[nihilisticbrock]

i climb over the edge of the bridge.the sound of cars honking and doors claiming,crying for my attention.before any of them could change my mind,i swing my legs over and me feet rest on only a few inches of stability.i fall back and just let myself float to the ground,the pavement underneath me.for a moment i feel so free.like nothing matters.nothing ever had really mattered.

when my dad called me the result of an affair and swore that i wasn’t his.but he would love me like i was.

when my mom abandoned me when i need her to be there for me most.

when my brother tried to kill himself and was stuck in a ward for a week.

when i went to the nurse when i couldn’t breath.i knew she saw the scars and red lines up and down my arms.she didn’t say a word.

when my best friend of all my childhood years called me a faggot on christmas eve.

when i woke up all alone every morning because no body bothered to wake me up and say goodbye.

not a text message saying you’ll be back or i’ll see you when i get home.

those single text wouldn’t have changed this.

nothing could have.everything will happen as it happens.and none of it matters.

once you realize nothing matters,the sooner the universe is yours.

the universe is mine in the single few moments before my body hits the asphalt.and then i am free.

[nihilisticbrock]

three cheers to the people who self harm who managed not to today.

three cheers to the people who have eating disorders who ate today.

three cheers to the people who had urges to do self destructive things but found self control today.

three cheers to the people who are usually scared to stand up for themselves but did today.

three cheers to the people who wanted so badly to never get up again but got up this morning.

three cheers to the people who may feel like they failed today. you’ve got tomorrow.

[nihilisticbrock]

Why is no one talking about what happened in São Paulo yesterday?

The sky turned completely black around three in the afternoon partly because of smoke coming from the Amazon rainforest, WHICH IS 2300 KILOMETERS AWAY FROM THE CITY, where the government has greatly increased the amount of land being burned for profit. People are getting sick, animals are dying, native territory is being lost to the flames.

This is what the sky looked like in my city yesterday, in the early afternoon.

It got so dark so fast the city had to turn on the lamp posts and night lighting.

Please talk about this. Reblog this post, non-brazilians especially.