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She’s the one who is a little too nice. The girl people take for granted. She’s the one who gives away pieces of herself to make others feel whole.

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My special talent is assuming our friendship is a burden on you and you dread hearing from me. So then I stop talking to you to ease the load and ruin what we had

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biggest fear?

probably losing the people i care the most about

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“I can turn into the most unhappy person in the world in just a second.”

—

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“Happiness is a club I will never be in”

— korn - this loss

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Somehow we're all messed up human being trying to make things work in this world. Nobody is living a perfect life. But okay, if we talk about superficial things, the answer might be yes. There's probably a lot of people living in great luxury. But if we talk about our internal struggles, I guess no one has a perfect life. But let's admit it, maybe we're all in the same storm at some point of our lives, but we're not on the same boat. Yes we're all struggling but we're having different circumstances and that's when privilege is happening. So never think we suffer the same pain. Comparison is not needed. Each one of us has our own story to hold. We own different scars and wounds. We bleed differently, we cope up differently, and we move forward on different reasons. And the least we can do to each other if we have the possibilities, is to help. Know that sometimes possibilities is a luxury for a lot of people. Don't ever invalidate someone's sufferings, help them instead by making circumstances less complicated. Everyone is entitled to have a good life, regardless of their status, it's just that not everyone has the possibilities. So if we can, let's choose to be a better human beings. Let's choose to be kind, for we're all just trying to live a good life.

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As much as possible I don't wanna be a burden to anyone. I don't wanna be the weight that needs to be compromise. I don't wanna be the reckless one. I know how hard it is to carry somebody else's load and it's never easy. It takes so much courage and I don't want anyone feel the need to carry my baggage. I maybe look so fragile but trust me, my sorrows can't drown me enough. I been through so many battles and carrying baggage is my thing. I am not as fragile as I may seem. I know how mad this world is, and I know how it works somehow. I just want a good kind of silence, and I'll be fine.

But if one day I die, I want it to be like a peaceful sunset on summer season. Calm and serene and quiet. I don't want screams, nor chaos, nor adding weigh to this world. I wish to bid goodbye like whispering lullabies. Soothing and mellifluous. Just like a gentle touch, and that would be fine.

And if I will be given a chance to be born again, I wish be like the air, light and soft, and don't need no heaviness to be felt. I wish to be part of the unseen but still lingers. Isn't it so wonderful to feel so light, floating and clinging through every spaces allowed. Or maybe like a feather, light and soft, and needs no much force to hold. Maybe it could change everything. Maybe it could make it easier.

Maybe that's sound so melodramtic, but honestly, I don't want anything so huge in this world, all I want is to have at good kind of peace. Peace that knows no heaviness and pain. Peace that could ease my soul from longing. Peace that could make everything less heavy. Though I know God is holding me within His arms, but I also know that it's my responsibility to fix this on my own. Perhaps I just wish to be able to carry myself, without having to weigh my worth in every broken pieces of me.

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To my soulmate,

Hey, I wonder where are you exactly right now? How's life there on the other side of the world? Have you been part of my journey without me knowing you. Why life won't give us a chance to know each other earlier in our age. I been living two decades and seven years now yet I never meet you. Why do heaven won't let me see even just a glimpse of you.

I'm starting to get tired of waiting,of hoping that one day you'll come into my life. I'm starting to think that my real soulmate is pen and paper, that is why for quite now I'm still writing about you. Maybe I'm part of that batch God made to be alone. Or maybe you were born earlier lifetime than I, or I am in vice versa. Who would have known? Maybe you're wandering too,or getting tired of waiting also. And just like me, maybe you begun to accept the circumstances.

I long to see you,to touch you,to hear you and to feel you. I want to prove life that you exist, that someone is made especially for me. I wanna keep on believing that God never made me to be alone forever. I mean I still wanna have someone to share my life with. To share my cup of tea when I'm old, someone to hold when I'm weak,someone I can share love and to feel loved. And without any hesitation I trust God that you'll come. I just hope sooner. I wish sooner.

It's just that there's things consuming my head. What if you're dead already, or in war getting wounds and dying. What if you're fighting through illness, or in mission on the farthest part of the world. Or maybe you're light years away from me—still I wanna know if one day, we will meet. Maybe not in this lifetime but I hope in another life we'll find each other.

And if afterlife really do exist,I'll give my all just to meet you there,for this lifetime of ours won't intertwined now. But I'll do my best to see the glimpse of heaven by your side. Maybe there we can make it. I hope we can.

Your other half,

💛

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When I'm at my worst, and nothing comes good in anything that I do, I chose solitude over everything. I don't like making chaos, nor adding weigh on my shoulder. Instead I let silence take over. I let it took everything until nothing is left. I've been through so many battles, and making a war with myself won't help me get things better. But no, I don't build high walls, nor exclude myself from everyone. I just put enough distance between my worries and my soul. Just enough space so it won't caused me any harm. That way nothing could disturb the stillness of my solitude.

Solitude for me is sacred. The way it soothes my soul is everything. It has something more than the silence that gives me comfort. It's like a calm ocean during midday. It wasn't still but has little waves that sounds so melancholic. Like birds humming in the forest, intertwining it's music in the air. Like a mellow piano piece that calms all the chaos in me. It's like a warm sun rays on summer days. Once it touches my skin, I can feel it crawls underneath, and by then I know I am safe.

I am not trying to runaway from reality, I'm just making a little space where I can feel free from all the screams outside. I'm just making it easier for me to live with less anxiety. And I know I owe it to myself more than anything. Life is ironic itself, so I won't make it hard for me to understand it. I'll do what I can to make it work without losing huge part of me.

I know silence remains a mystery and just one single mistake you'll find it so tormenting. But for as long as it gives me comfort, I would never get scared being part of it. Because in solitude I found a home for my wandering soul.

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"Speak to people in a way that if they died the next day, you'd be satisfied with the last thing you said to them".

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“There are some people best left in the past. They may not intend to chain you down, but they will keep you caged if you return to them during moments of weakness.”

— Noor Shirazie, Into the Wildfire: Battle Scars

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“The person you marry is the person you fight with. The house you buy is the house you repair. The dream job you take is the job you stress over. Everything comes with an inherent sacrifice -whatever makes us feel good will also inevitably make us feel bad. What we gain is also what we lose. What creates our positive experiences will define our negative experiences.”

— Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck 

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-🍓An update: She was very yummy🍓-

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night drives with no destination is a mood