noalarms-and-nosurprises - Tumblr blog

[noalarms-and-nosurprises]

Do you ever just sit back and think "How the fuck did things get here?"

I used to have this legit bff; this girl I met in high school. Actually we didn't have much time together because she ghosted me many years ago, but we found our way into each other's lives. And oh, when we did, it was truly beautiful. We were on opposite sides of the world, but somehow we didn't let that affect it. I used to feel like I could take on anything because she was there. It was nice knowing that there was at least one person in the world who really, truly cared about me.

But she was in a bad place. She was half the world away from everyone she loved--her friends, her family, her girlfriend. And it took its toll on her. She did actually make new friends there, and I was truly happy for her. I was even jealous that she was starting to replace me as her bff with this guy. But I loved her like fam, and I was just happy she was getting the attention she needed there. Sometimes it really hurt for me because they would do things she and I never got to. She kept assuring me that I was still her legit bff, but I knew she was just rationalizing.

All that distance can really take its toll on you, i guess. Before, she was clingy af. Like whever we didn't talk for more than a few days, she would make up some reason to. Like send me some random photo of a hotdog in a tux that she took ealrlier that day but was waiting for me to text first. Or tell me she needed me to design her some tattoo. One time, out of nowhere she was jealous that if i found myself a girlfriend, I wouldn't have time for her. But nah, she was always gonna be my number 1 girl.

But like i said, the distance, the cold--it took het. All that affection and love just kept fading and fading. Especially since she had new people there with whom she could bond with for real. It sucked so much for me, like eventually she just stopped giving a damn about my life. There were times she just used me to make herself feel better and then throw me away when she was done with me, like some damned Kleenex. Or when she found someome more convenient. By the end, she couldn't even stand to have those random conversations with me that we both used to love so much. But no matter how much it hurt me, no matter how toxic that friendship got for me, i knew that it was the distance that got her, so I sucked it up and fought to hold on. It killed me, but I loved her like fam. I thought, if I held on until we saw each other again, it would recharge things. And it wasn't just me, things with her girlfriend got a little rocky too.

It wasn't like I didn't make my mistakes too. There were a lot of times i didn't handle it well. I got fazed, I got confused, I didn't know how to deal with it. I was losing my best friend in the whole world. I wish I did know how to handle it. I wish I didn't give her so much drama, I wish I could give her what she needed. Goddammit, I tried.

And you know what, she wasn't always the best person. Oh, she had pride like the Great Wall of China thay would never falter. She had communication issues like you wouldn't believe. I never romanticized her, though. I loved her and of course I wanted her to grow, but I never held this idealized version of her. I always knew what she was. I recognized that she was toxic to me, too. But I loved her all the same. After all that, i still saw her as my best friend. I was still as excited as I always was to share things with her. But it was too late. She just ran out of fucks to give. And I had to accept that. It wasn't like I had a choice; I realized couldn't make her care about me.

She was toxic to me, but you know what was worse, she was SOOOO toxic to herself. That pride, those communication issues--I was always afraid she would end up alone. She was the kind of person who fed herself so much bullshit everytime she felt bad about something. Her defense mechanism for guilt was being angry at people who made her feel bad. Sometimes I tried to fight that side of her--I couldn't stand to see her destroying her life,but sometimes I didn't handle it very well. Which I was always so guilty for because I was always someone who made her feel safe. Maybe I even unnknowingly give her pressure by wanting her to grow. And she actually hid parts of herself from her other friends. Little did she know, i always saw right through her. I always tried to be there, but I didn't always know how. I wish I did. Like I said, sometimes I was a really bad besy friend to her, but it was always her who was so toxic to herself. She would always avoid her problems so much that it kept piling up and it kept getting out of hand when it caught up to her. The drama always came back to her. She even wondered why it was me and her girlfriend who gave her so much drama. I don't think she ever realized she was thing we had in common. We did give her drama, yes, but she was also the source of it.

Oh and she had this other friend, a guy we knew in high school. God, I hated that guy. I tried so hard to keep her from being toxic to hersel; real friends call you on your bullshit, not validate them. I legit cared about her, you know. Not just her physical and emotional wellbeing, but I also cared about what she did with her life, and what kind of person she would become. I always wanted to push her to become a better person because I believed in her. I loved her. But good fucking lord, this guy just kept validating her bullshit. Like after i try so hard to save her from herself, there was this fucking guy who just kept telling her what she wanted to hear. And naturally, she kept coming back to him. Of course, I couldn't fully blame him; like I said, she did have the tendency to hide the nasty parts of herself from her other friends. But god, that guy. Just ugh, fuck that guy. I personally blame that guy for whispering all this crap in her ear, like break up with her girlfriend. And me. To be fair, he might have had some points, but validation is sooo dangerous for people who are toxic to themselves. So she took his advice, and took it her way. She broke up with the two people who always knew what she was, but wanted to stay.

I did make my mistake too, though. Before she broke up with me, she told me that she broke up with her girlfriend. And I was already sooo hurt by her that time that I didn't see her as my best friend who needed me. I saw her as someome who hurt someone else the way she hurt me. So I just did my version of yelling at her. Of course, she did drive me to that point, but still. As mad at her as I was that time, I still wish I could've been there for her. I know, I'm an idiot.

So I let her be for a while. But the few couple of months came and she finally got the chance to come to our home country. At this point, I knew we weren't gonna get everything back, as beautiful as our friendship was. But I did want to make peace with her. I wanted her to have peace too, after everything. But no, she wouldn't even give me a chance. She had this habit of thinking she knows how things are gonna play out. Maybe she thought i would try to crawl back into her life, i dunno. But no. You see, for a while now, we haf this BFF plan to hike to this mountain to this indigenous tribe, and get traditional tattoos from them. It was our BFF goal. A few days ago i found out she had taken that trip with that other guy i was talking about.about and it crushed me like nothing has ever crushed me before. I can't even begin to describe how devastating that feels. It's one thing if it was just a trip, but they have this permanent reminder of it. I fucking sucks. It feels like not only does she not give a damn about me or.our friendship anymore, but also like everything we've ever been through means absolutely nothing to her now. It just fucking sucks. Everytime i think about those goddamned tattoos, it hurts. I loved her like fam. Like nothing else in this world. What's sad is we never even got to do things normal bffs did because of the distance like hang out at each other's house and eat ice cream together. We barely even have any pictures together. It's just so unbelievable how we got here. I can't believe it.

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To that one special person, that special friend.

`Have you ever had a person who was just your best friend in the whole world?  A person to whom you can tell anything and they’ll care about it, no matter how big or small, or significant or stupid it was. A person who you look for at the end of your day, who, simply knowing they’re there for you makes you feel that much safer, like life if just that much bearable. Someone you think about when you think of life 10 years from now. Someone you think about telling when something good happens to you. Someone you’ll be reminded of when you see something beautiful. Someone with whom to take on the world. Someone with whom you can show a side of you that nobody else knows, or maybe that that side of you is only there because they’re there to show it too. Someone without whom, life would just be that much emptier. Someone who you just can’t get out of your life. Someone who makes you feel like no matter how far apart you are or how busy either of you may get, you know you’ll never be alone in the world.

That one person who, you just love and care about so much, and I’m not talking romantic love, I’m talking about a pure, platonic love that a human being feels for another human being. The kind that where other people might see flaws, you never will, because you love every single bit of who they are.

But then life happens. Sometimes you make mistakes. Sometimes you lose them. Sometimes things just make unexpected turns. And it’s like your life is just that much different without them. That much emptier, that much duller. I see those sitcoms about friends on TV now and think of how no matter what they fight about, or how horribly so, they can still make up because they just care about each other, and how I wish we could, as well. Maybe things don’t have to be the way they are now, but for some reason, they just are.

And to that person, I want to thank you. It’s not about the big, profound, significant gestures, but the little, meaningful ones, the little talks, the “Duuude, can I talk to you?” moments, the drunk texts, the trips you plan together, the “I’m here whenever you need me”, and the “I’m not going anywhere, I promise” stuff that I’ll always, always cherish and be thankful for. There will always be that you-shaped hole in my heart that nothing else in the world could ever fill.

I know you might never be able to read this, but I want you to know all of that. And that if you ever change your mind, I will always be here. I’m not going anywhere, just like I promised. 

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Atypical - 1x01 Antarctica

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4.04 // 7.03

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I CAN’T WAIT FOR ARYA TO COME BACK

6.04 | 7.03 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

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Game of Thrones 7x02 - Stormborn

I love this moment in Stormborn right before he abandons ship. I think everyone pretty much knows that even though it was an act of cowardice, it was the only thing he could have done. Had he come closer, Euron might have slit Yara’s throat and killed him and this way, it’s shameful to them, yes, but he lives to fight another day, to strategize how to get Yara back.

But that’s not my point. The point is, this moment alone where he takes a look around and knows that it’s the end. I think at this moment, Theon broke, and he became Reek again. Now, since he escaped got back to his family, he was trying so hard to be Theon Greyjoy again. To be his old self, try to go back to his old life. He tried to move on from the horrible shit that happened to him, to live with the mistakes he made. He was really trying. But then, this. In this moment, he was given a chance. A chance to prove that he was Theon Greyjoy again, to take what’s his, to not take shit from anyone. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t Theon Greyjoy anymore. And I don’t think it was just the notion of dying that made him realize it, but I think he knew it all along and it was as this moment that he realized it. He wasn’t Theon Greyjoy anymore. He was never going to be Theon Greyjoy again. He’s Reek now.

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Jon NO TIME FOR THIS SHIT Snow (requested by anonymous)

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But I accepted it because the North is my home. It’s part of me, and I will never stop fighting for it, no matter the odds. 

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Game of Thrones 7x02 - Stormborn   I LOVE Olenna Tyrell, but I also love how Tyrion wipes the sass off of her face like only he can do.

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Game of Thrones 7x01 - Dragonstone

A lot of people are saying this scene is irrelevant, that it's just a fluff piece to show off Ed Sheeran, and that it doesn't really do anything to the story. Actually, I think this scene changed Arya. She just got from murdering a whole bunch of people who were just "doing their duty" to their house of allegiance. As far as she was concerned, allegiance was enough reason to kill people. Until she came across this band of Lannister Soldiers. She even took note of their swords to doublecheck that they were Lannister men. In this scene she realized that not all of them are evil, that they're people too, just trying to do their duty, who had loved ones they left behind just like she had. And when she realized that, she even tested the men’s loyalty to Cersei by saying she was going to kill her, as if to see whether or not she should. Because I think she still wanted to. I think if it weren't for this scene, she'd have killed anyone without mercy, just for their allegiance. Hell, I bet she was going to kill them. You could see the realization on her face.

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Game of Thrones 7x01 - Dragonstone

  I love how Sansa's face turns into an expression of dread when she admits that she learned a lot from Cersei. Let's not forget the horrid shit she had to go through when she was in King's Landing. It must have been painful for her to think back to that, even for a second. To have gone through all that, and say she has "learned" from it takes a great deal of strength, I think. And how very Stark of her. Winter had come for her a long time ago, and here she stands now. In my opinion, out of all the characters in the show, hers has gone through the most development. Jon Snow has evolved into a King, from that green boy who left Winterfell, but I think his heart has always been in the right place. Arya is badass as fuck, but she was always badass. Sansa went from that little girl who wanted to be a pretty little princess to this incredibly strong woman.

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Sense8 1x10 - What Is human?

What I love about this scene was it started with Wolfgang needing Lito’s help, but both ended up getting what they need.

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Sense8 1x10 -  What Is Human?

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Life hacks/Tips Here

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Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a hole? Like you're alone, and everyone's so far from you? Like the top is so far up that it overwhelms you? We all need a person to dangle a rope for us sometimes. The thing is, maybe it's already there. Maybe you already know that it is, and you just need the courage to tug.

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This is one of the reasons why out of all the characters in Game of Thrones, I identify with Jaime the most.

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You can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to see in you.

Unknown (via hack-zone)