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I can't stop thinking about that night. It still doesn't feel real, and if it weren't for the bruises on my body , I would think it's a bad dream.

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I guess my sadness is extra loud today. My loneliness is deeper than the depths of the ocean. I'm there again in the water, sinking further into my abyss as I think how limited our time is here, life is short, life is long. To be honest, time had always been a sore in my heart. Today, I'm dealing with a sadness older than me. It comes out at random, there's never any signs, and today I was sleep and forget my existence, I can't of course that would be too easy, I feel somber, lost and alone, quite alone. I feel terrible honestly, and writing this entry in silence has not been able to console my weeping heart. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or the fact that I didn't exercise in the morning. But this sad performance I've forced myself to act upon no longer allows me to ignore the truth to escape from it. I stand before a mirror that reflects my fears, my flaws, and my frustrations. I'm tired today and don't have the energy to put myself out there and put myself first.

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I lie in between flowers today. It's a meadow that no one is near me, and nature covers a vast majority of the area. The sun is hitting pretty hot on my face. I didn't bring sunglasses, and I tried to shield my face with my hand. I get tired quickly and just let the sun hit my face. I don't have much to say today. I'm just bored. However in my boredom I reflect on the decision I've made today and yesterday and try to determine if the right choices have been made, quiet frankly I don't feel like doing anything and just want to hike my mountain in peace. I feel 15 again, and it's been quiet the experience( its hell, I want to rip my hair out) as my teenage self takes over my current state I grapple with my own morals and philosophy. I feel a child like boredom of just abandoning ship and changing my name. Live as someone else and continue to do that each time I feel bored of my chosen identity. Another part of me just wants to be reborn all together. I messed up this life we gave to go bald type of desire. I'm all over the place as I was when I was young, and it's difficult to get a routine going. Do it tired, do it scared, do it depressed echos in my as I look at my mundane task at hand. Isolated in a room, lights turned off, and no one in site. I thought this was what I wanted? Peace and quiet, a room to myself and to be given task to complete. But now it seems I want more, to socialize l, collaborate, and interact on a human level with others. To think critically and challenge my own ideas, to face my fears and discomforts. It's all very motivating, but it's annoying and time-consuming. Extremely time-consuming. It's hard, and I feel like clawing my skin off due to how uncomfortable I feel. My thoughts have left, I'll take my leave for today.

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A lot of things have happened so fast this week, beginnings, endings, and a lot of revelations of cracks I didn't pay too much attention towards. Someone is leaving, and others will follow suit, and I wonder what is more important? professional growth? a connection? a community? The series of events that unfolded this week have led me to rethink my goals, my impact, and my mortality. Different perspectives from others and quick hushed exchange of words. I am no longer a hidden shadow, but alas, I'm not entirely in the spotlight either. Things are changing whether I'm ready for them or not, and it feels these upcoming weeks will rewrite all of I've been accustomed until now. My train of thought has left me, but today, I feel like I'm in the swiss alps wandering as nature reminds me, I'm a passenger in this life, and I should enjoy it more.

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I fell in love, and my heart shriveled up in disappointment. Mmh, maybe next time.

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Suddenly, people are paying attention and remembering. What a weird and new feeling that is.

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Suddenly, I sit, looking at the roll of where there should be some metallic paper. Dread fills me, I have to go to the grocery store, I feel sick. I have to be seen shit and I can't even go to a damn grocery store without feeling like I might throw up. The anxiety fills me further. If I can't even go to the grocery store, how can I even begin to think I will be able to build a life, my dreams? God, I feel sick, my hands clenching to my stomach. Is this what it means to be a functioning person? When did I become so pitiful? I'm going out. Fuck this fear. I say as my whole body tenses up. I guess my body doesn't know the difference of going outside and doing the most basic thing and being held at gun point. I want to tell you, God, I hate this, and im pitiful, but I'm going out anyway, I'm going to do something different from what I usually do when I write these entries. Get up and do something.

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Today, I decided to be impulsive. To be totally honest, it feels like shit. I'm anxious about what will happen tomorrow. I'm regretful as I just went through a big fight with someone I love. I'm remorseful, but I don't apologize because of my ego getting the best of me. Today I decided to blow off work and explore my city. It was fun at first. My heart was full and body shaking with excitement. As I passed land marks and stadiums. I've only heard or seen on TV. It's funny that I've lived in this city my whole life, and I've never explored it. I was initially trying to go to a hotel every raves about, but the parking was atrocious. As I reflect on my decisions today. I am regretful, scared, and angry. I am hurt. my heart bleeds as I explore this unfamiliar city. It's wonderful. I haven't been outside somewhere at 10 am. in a long time. I've been helped by kind people on directions and near by assistance. It's sweet, and im relieved this city is a bit merciful. I love my time here, but my heart feels a weight I can't shake off. I'm miss my loved one and just want to tell them I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

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An older couple, one in a suit and holding orchards and another adorned in pink on those scooters one uses when one breaks their leg

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It's seems I enjoy burning bridges. I wish the warmth wasn't so attractive

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Today, this night feels like an empty theater, silence, and I dance to my hearts content. There's no music, no audience, and no spotlight. Just myself and the darkness. My own movements and the creaks of the old wooden floor against my feet. I stare at this grand theater in peace and preoccupied by the stillness. I am alone in this no one comes in unexpectedly to see me. There's no sudden sound. the window and doors are closed. Maybe one is open for the wind to flow in, but in the end, this theater is empty, and it is just me in here. With my own movements and free.

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I hope to fly in this lifetime.

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I've been sleeping a lot lately. Yet I am still tired. My body feels heavy. I feel numb aside from the exhaustion I can't waiver. The hole is digging itself deeper, and my days pass me by as I watch willing. My room is a mess, and my own self care is discarded. I'm on auto pilot, and I just don't leave the house. How I feared this, watching my life wasted away. I hate this, but I can't bring any reason to take care of myself. My brain is hazy, and I just don't want to be awake anymore. I dont find the point of living anymore. Taking care myself doesn't feel like it has any reward. It's mundane and simple, and maybe I should be more grateful to have the privilege of life of being alive. But as much as it breaks my heart, the pain in my nose, the pickly sensation of my scalp, and the feeling of my pores clogged are an inconvenience I no longer want to carry. I am selfish, extremely so. I know my loved ones would suffer if I leave this world, but a part of me is tired and has been for so long. I can only take so many failures in this life and lie to myself that everything will be okay when it's not. It hasn't been for as long as I can remember. Besides, most of my worst episodes are things I bare on my own. My worst moments have been alone. My life is lonely the majority of my life is being alone, and while there's something liberating about that, I don't see the point in living for myself, I guess I'm too used to failing myself over and over. I'd like to tell you that I will get better, that I want to get better and don't get me wrong, of course I do, but at this moment and at this point of my life if this is how my life is going to be in the 20 to 50 years I'd rather cut things short. Instead of clinging to this false idea that I'll get better, that I'll be better, that things will change, and I will find meaning. I dont see why I even attempted to try all these years leading up to this moment. It was a waste, I'm afraid. And it breaks me to my core. I don't want to cut things short, and i want to live my life to my fullest. Fulfill all my wildest dreams and desires. But having to fight my hardest just to even do the simplest of things has weighed on me over the years. I'm tired. I'm numb, and at the end of the day, while I know deep down, I won't attempt anything because I'm too much of a coward. I feel like my soul willingness to live dies a little more with each second that passes. I wish I could say I had even a sliver of hope things will get better. I just can't. I sleep to escape, I suppose, and I don't know how to end this entry.

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This moment feels like a hot shower, I don't want to step away from. I don't know how many hours it has been. I feel the coldness seeping from the small opening in the shower curtains. I get closer beneath the shower head, and I hope for it to cover me like a blanket. My cheeks flushed and red, my head dizzy. My eyes close, and my legs feel sore from standing for long periods of time. My scalp prickles from the hot temperatures and my skin have long pruned. I lean on the cold walls to feel a sense of support so I don't slip. I feel a mixture of hot and cold. Anyway I need to sleep. I have work in the morning and I need to prepare mentally .

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Today, I'm profound, prolific, and moved. I am anew, until Monday comes, and I have put the shield on once more .

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I can't tell you I've imagined my life a certain way. Maybe I've felt a vague feeling. I felt I would explore nature or the world's wonders. I haven't planned my life out. I guess, or I've always felt i would let myself down each time I tried. Some days, I only cared that today's sunlight felt smooth and comforting, and that in itself was blessing enough. Exploring the meadows, abandoned castles from 500 years ago, and wonder if kings and princesses walked the same paths as me. What did they think of their lives? Did they have the same doubts? Fears and uncertainties? What did they think the future had in store for them? I wonder about myself now in this time, too. Will someone, 500 years in the future, have the same feelings? The same turmoil? I won't ever know, but I feel that being able to think about that possibility shows how arbitrary life is. There's no meaning but yet I fear the expectations and responsibilities I face in my wake. I did try to find that meaning many years ago when my room felt big, and I was surrounded by stuffed animals, as I laid awake at night. Feeling this sense of separation from my body and soul. In my mind, I've always felt multiple beings occupying my consciousness, as if some thoughts and feelings I held weren't mine to hold and own. My life has felt like a spin taken too long, and I can't accurately take my feelings, senses, and surroundings. My thoughts end for the day, I suppose.

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I wish I could see myself the way my mother does.