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[noogeroo]

Grasp

Trying to imagine the feeling of completing an exam. The joy of finishing mixed with the lingering regret, it’s always a potent and exhausting cocktail that is sometimes more sweet than it is bitter, and sometimes the other way around. 

Talking about cocktails, I’ve also been experiencing a mixture of emotions regarding the exams that are coming up. This incredible ambivalence ranges from “oh my gosh I wish finals were over last week” all the way to “how am I going to finish the syllabus, I need another week”. 

But it’s been a good study week. I’ve kept myself quite stress free, except for the occasional sudden stress attack (SSA) that comes and goes once in a while. The regular(ish) runs have really helped with that. Nothing like a muscle ache to nurse when you feel tense. I’m also glad I don’t feel alone this study break, as I have been apt to feel in previous ones.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how even though this is my 6th finals period, I still feel like a complete noob. I still see myself falling into traps like reading too deeply into cases that seem important but actually aren’t. I haven’t (really) learnt from my experience apart from (the wrong lesson of) learning to adopt a cavalier attitude toward topics I don’t understand or won’t be able to review in time. I reckon it keeps me stress free but maybe I need to be more stressed? 

Alas, youth. Wasted on the young. I only have one more finals season to go. And that’s sobering. Going to try and enjoy this while it lasts. Back to the books!

[noogeroo]

My life is a pyramid of decisions and commitments. At the wide bottom of the pyramid are the many decisions I make every day about matters of little consequence and the modest commitments these imply. Further up in the pyramid are decisions and commitments of greater importance. These provide the foundation – the framework and supporting justification – for those nearer the base. And above these, closer to the apex of the pyramid, are decisions and commitments of still greater importance, which in turn provide the foundation for those below them. And so up on to the very top, where my life comes to a point in the deepest and most important commitments I have. In the pyramid of my commitments, unlike the pyramid paperweight sitting on my desk, it is the apex that supports the base, not the other way around. The base is broad because it includes so many small commitments. The apex is pointed bccause it includes so few. But it is these few – my deepest and least changeable attachments – that support and justify all the many, modest ones below them, that hold them in place and secure their purpose and value.

“What is Living For”, in Education's End: Why Our Colleges and Universities Have Given Up on the Meaning of Life by Anthony T. Kronman

[noogeroo]

Qualitative Questions

Q: Do you think you receive more than you give or give more than you receive through community service?

A: Generally, I think it is difficult to compare giving and receiving. You give time, effort, sometimes money, which are all somewhat measurable, but what you receive is much less tangible. How do you assign a value to the satisfaction of knowing that you made a difference? How do you quantify the experience of seeing a segment of society that you couldn’t otherwise understand or sympathise with? You can’t, and so I think most people would not be able to give a good answer to this question.

That said, I would venture to say that there are more “lousy” or “normal” projects than meaningful ones, and so I think many people could fairly say that they have given more. To use an extreme example, flag day volunteers really don’t receive anything. How can they??

Therefore, personally, I would still say that I have given more, because I don’t feel like I’ve done that many genuinely meaningful projects. But I am open to the possibility that in my future I will be able to initiate and participate in meaningful projects because I will not have to fit them to my already-packed study/class timetable, and I will not be limited by what the school approves.

To me, it’s interesting to note that if what you’ve received is a genuine interest in the needs of your community, what you’ve received might lead you to give more. To cite a related non-community service example, I have been giving blood fairly regularly since starting University. I started partly out of curiosity, partly out of the knowledge that I was meeting a need, and partly just because I met all the eligibility requirements (because I eat too well oops). But what keeps me going back is the feeling of solidarity that comes from being part of a group of Singaporeans who care about our community, who see a need, and see that we can meet the need, and take action to meet the need.

I’m sure this phenomenon can also happen in the context of community service, but so far I’ve not experienced that. Or maybe I’m just too lazy to follow up.

Q: Is community service more about learning or serving?

A: It’s supposed to be both. They like to call it a “virtuous cycle”. As I wrote above, what you receive might lead you to give more. So, you serve, and in the course of doing so, what you learn enhances the way you serve.

This can happen because (1) you are inspired to give more, and so maybe you sign up to be a volunteer tutor for underprivileged kids after the project has officially come to an end (I did this once in my Secondary school days).

It can also happen because (2) you learn about the needs of the community you are serving, and are better able to serve because you change your methods.

That said, in reality I think most projects are too short-lived, and their structures too inflexible, for the participants to really be conscious of the relationship between learning and serving, which is why the common learning points people love to talk about are “I learnt about just how privileged we are to be living in Singapore! #gdll!! #csp #communityservice”. Not that it’s wrong, but I think it was really meant to be so much more. So most of the time it seems to be the case that community service is about serving. Go there, do your thing, and go home with your hours. Graduate looooo

Q:What were your motivations to carry out community service?

A: There are many:

Transferrable skills/knowledge

For law students who do pro-bono volunteering, you can actually learn tangible skills through community service. For example, at some legal clinics, the student volunteers are allowed to interview the people who come in seeking legal aid. This trains you to identify legal issues, and gives you an opportunity to practice interview skills and etiquette.

Sense of duty

“To whom much is given, much is required” – this is a pretty basic motivation, but can be unsustainable because it is often used to coerce. “Giving back” to society through community service shouldn’t feel obligatory because it can cause you to become calculative.

Doing it for the feelz

It is definitely emotionally gratifying to do community service; particularly, I think it’s very possible to develop a “hero complex” where you see yourself as the savior of the world because of your commitment to community service. But, a “better” form of motivation, imo, is when you genuinely appreciate that you have a part to play in creating a compassionate society, and you just want to act consistently with that understanding.

Experiential value - gaining perspective or experience

I don’t really know how to explain this point but there was a point in time where I had been doing a lot of “Corporate Law” and finance type of modules, dealing with rich property owners and their banks, evil corporations, bonds, debentures, etc etc and I just thought to myself: “I want to encounter real legal problems that the average person would actually be concerned with, and not just the legal issues of faceless corporations”. So I signed up for 10 weekly sessions of volunteering at the family division of the state courts, helping to explain legal processes to divorced/divorcing couples.

Q: Do you think community service records play a role on your resume?

A: Yes. It depends on your employer, but these days it seems like community service records don’t make you stand out at all; it’s more like, if you don’t have any, then you will be outstanding for the wrong reasons. So I have actually made it a point to make sure that my projects are registered by the school, even though I’ve cleared my minimum of 80 hours, because I want to be able to say in job interviews (and on other occasions) that I have surpassed the minimum.

Q: Do you think your upbringing has a role to play in your attitude towards community service?

A: Yes. But I think in our parents’ generation there was perhaps less volunteerism as a whole? So the particular aspects of upbringing that would be relevant to someone’s attitude toward community service would be more indirect. For example, your parents telling you things like “if you don’t work hard you will end up like that road sweeper” can give you an overly meritocratic, elitist attitude that is predisposed against community service.

[noogeroo]

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE TO SELF

When you get something good, don’t go thinking that you earned it or that you deserve it, because life has been good to you and there is so much that you do not actually deserve. Don’t let what you already have make you covet what you could have had, or what you think you should have had.

Rather, make the best of what you have, and know that if you had something better, you might not actually be equipped to make the best use of it, because something better would have come by serendipitous providence and not on account of your own merit. 

[noogeroo]

Pack Unpack

Took me hours to just get started on packing, which I think reflected my trepidation for the trip and how it was going to take me away from work majorly. 

Took me minutes to get my things out of my bags, put the bags back in storage, send all the clothes for washing, and stow things back in their rightful places. 

For me, it’s much easier to unpack than it is to pack, and I think that’s because of the fact that unpacking is coming home. Unpacking is a return to the familiar, coming home, resuming a usual routine.

Packing, on the other hand, is a continuous series of questions; will I need this? What if it rains? Do I have enough socks? And while many people say “don’t worry, you can always buy it when you get there” I have always regarded it as a failure when that happens, because I like to be prepared, I like to plan. But dealing with the uncertainties is difficult, and can be draining.

What happens in the space between packing and unpacking? 

This particular trip, I found that I had a minimum amount of over-packed clothes (which is rare, for me) and didn’t bring items I didn’t end up using (eg portable speakers). I guess unpacking was easier because I’d done a good job of packing judiciously. And I think it just affirms a principle I’ve always believed in; if you take the time and the effort to front-load things, you are more efficient, productive, and stress-free. 

The challenge, then, is applying that to school work I don’t really care about. 

Back to studying. Lots to pack in to my brain before tomorrow’s midterm test.

[noogeroo]

ed submission by @semprebrava

Wishing you all a prosperous new year! - Mods

[noogeroo]

wreck

Can’t sit still in the old library and people are whispering and I have a half-stomachache and time to burn but readings to do and I lost the word doc on which I was taking down important-sounding notes and I can’t help but feel like I’m getting shipwrecked by a tiny iceberg though I know I have energy to study and it’s going to be a busy weekend so I’m going to wash my face and things will be better bye

[noogeroo]

Checking in with me

It’s the middle of week 3, of Year 3 semester 2. I’m settled in a comfortable chair in the new SOE study lounge agonising over the correct documentation for CAT and half-regretting taking the module, half-considering dropping it (which leaves my group in the lurch, which is bad). 

That aside though, it’s been a really good semester so far. On the whole, I feel somewhat in touch with readings (even if I haven’t done a TON of them, I at least touch the important ones) and I’m following the direction of most (if not all) my Profs. 

I’m also TA-ing a class for the first time. Am sort of glad that the commitment outside of sitting in class while its going on is not super heavy, and I have ZK as my co-TA. 

The one sad thing about this semester is probably the fact that I’ve really had to give up Archery. It’s not necessarily bad. In fact, it could be one of the best decisions I’ve made? I still love the sport and the weirdo community (mostly) but really, it is way too much of a time sink, and too expensive, and too easy for me to prioritise. 

Outside of school, there’s been a lot happening too. Most notably, Sister’s wedding last Saturday, which was a solid day worth of very tiring mingling my ass off, driving up and down and up and down (and almost falling asleep on the drive home buy shhh tell no one) 

The wedding was quite an event. I still can’t get over how much work Sister managed to extract from her friends (many of whom are mine too, so I am a proud friend) and it really made me happy to see them happily helping away, doing decorations, planning, coordination, and all sorts of sai kang.

At home, Zuriel’s just started JC1 (Induction Prog only, and not even orientation) I’ve sort-of settled into my new room, and I do find it useful to study there especially on Monday and Thursday mornings where I don’t wake up early enough to get an early start in school.

Random thought is that I haven’t been home for dinner with the family for quite a while, but then again, that’s another thing that can tend to be a time sink. Anyhow. 

I’d say, overall, things are going better this semester, I do feel quite a lot more balanced, as far as studies are concerned. Job applications are still a headache, but we’ll worry about those again, i.e. perpetually. Off to continue CAT.

[noogeroo]

Now I know my ABCs

How strange it is to be getting grades now, at the end of a semester where I mostly felt like I had no clue as to what was going on, and nearly none of the “continual assessment” component grades were released. It’s like looking back and realising “ah, so I knew more than I thought”. Or maybe it’s “ah, so Prof X is actually really lenient because I’m pretty sure ___ was poorly written”. 

Wondering if this reflects on the fact that I’ve always been someone who’s more needy when it comes to affirmation/recognition.

[noogeroo]

Aha

Do you makes notes for o levels ?

Yes. It’s a bit too late to make some but you should. (Probably make a cheat sheet) (haha I replied this so late) 

TBH I’ve been doing notes since I was 13. I did it for except elective history because I kinda knew the content by heart since I’m a history junkie at heart  (ditched the cold war cuba crisis tho because it was soooo dry) 

perks of notes: 

you eliminate the extra information from your school notes and forces you to choose what is important in that chapter which increases your understanding of the topic. This is really important especially you enter tertiary education since the lecturer’s notes are often filled with stuff that are there just for your understanding not to help you to answer exam questions.

you get more motivated as rather than reading from a huge textbook, your mind would find more encouraging to read smaller chunks. 

However, you must do them properly. To many, Notes seem ineffective because people don’t do it correctly. 

Don’t just copy from your teacher’s notes because some are too simplified or not properly organised. Be hardworking and find your own sources from textbook or newspapers or journal articles if needed or assessment books or tutor’s advice. 

You can search on the studyblr for help. (basic notes are good enough unless you have enough time on your hands to decorate your notes xD) 

Making notes can be time consuming so if you are feeling tired from doing some, you can add motivational things on the notes like meme or drawings or whatever floats your boat e.g. I had a friend who put pictures of shirtless male models on side of her notes as a form of motivation. 

(*secondary students: textbooks are more than enough because everything you will have to learn is inside there) 

[noogeroo]

Before it all dies

Sitting in the library at 8:15am, I’d have to admit that this is really the earliest that I’ve been here all semester. Looking back, I’m not sure I know how that’s possible but a few contributory factors are: 

Monday morning class which made punctuality a struggle. (actually just an excuse, the solution is obviously to sleep earlier over the weekend)

Monday evening class which made me want to collapse by 6pm and got me enough sympathy to give me a false sense of entitlement to sleep in on Tuesdays. - Note to self: Need to shop for motivation, not sympathy. 8am Breakfast appointments really help here.

Wednesday morning archery sessions. It really was a lot of work bringing in the new batch so (1) I hope they know it; and (2) I hope they compete like ferocious dogs and win us medals. - Note to self, need to let the new batch (and the new EXCO) work for themselves and not be too pampered.

Thursday morning class; adjusted to an 8:30am start time, which made me realise why our classes start at 8:15am - it actually protects us from the (c)rush hour - so the next time I complain about 8:15am class, I’ll try to remember what it was like to stand for 50 minutes in a stuffy MRT cabin, literally unable to move my arms. - getting out of bed, and out of the house in the mornings is now a priority for me thanks to this.

Saturday archery sessions plus the fact that I drove down to the range quite a lot more, ever since (and maybe even before?) I clicked past my 1 year probation period, which meant that it made less sense to be in school on Saturday morning. - will probably spend Saturday mornings (and evenings) in school next semester - travel time is so precious and so is study time.

It’s funny how, looking back on the semester (which isn’t even over yet) I am having difficulty recalling its many ups and downs. 

In JC we used to say “the days are long but the weeks are short” as the countdown clock to the A-levels ticked steadily away. Arguably, now, even the days are short. Some days just end before I even get to feel like I understand something, or make progress. And I’m still working to make those the anomaly. 

Trying to recall a conversation I had with Eileen last week had me thinking ?? was it last week? Days are melding into weeks, I can hardly believe it. 15-week long sprints are no joke, and looking back, it seems like I end each one with a collapse, after an unspectacular run, an unsatisfying placing. 

In my long-gone, reasonably-fit rugby days when we ran half-field “Hennie Muller”s, coach Rhys would stand at the corner flag with his stopwatch. 3, 2, 1, and off we would go; half the length of the field, then to the corner flag on the opposite side, half the length of the field, and back to the starting point. Our Tuesday PT sessions were really the most dreaded times, at least at the beginning. But here’s what I miss about those sessions: 

If one person didn’t finish in the allocated time (usually 1 minute), the whole team didn’t finish. So if you were a slower runner (like me), you might get elbowed to the front of the pack when everyone was forming up at the start line.

If you were a slower runner (like me), you could expect a little added motivation from the muttered encouragement/insults (sometimes hard to tell, maybe they were both) of faster teammates passing you during the lap. You could also expect a shove or two to help you power through the last stretch.

We might miss the timing a run (or even 2 runs) in a row and somehow manage the 3rd one, proving to ourselves that it really was mind over matter. (Spoiler alert: Coach Rhys seemed to have a way of knowing how much heart we put into the run, and lied sometimes to keep us motivated on the runs where everyone pushed hard but didn’t make the timings. - I found this out from sitting on the benches, nursing the broken collarbone which ended my rugby career, and seeing my own stopwatch click past 1:20 as the last runner came in and coach called out, congratulatory, “fifty-nine!”)

It’s probably those sessions that taught me that when you have to do something difficult (which you might even dread), the moment it starts is the moment it starts to end. That’s the kind of thinking that kept me going, I think, and a few months of dogged PT sessions really did get me into (I think) pretty good shape. 

Having written the above I now feel like I should start running again. Maybe that’s my waistline calling. But one thing’s certain: I need to learn how to get myself going, I need to surround myself with people who are pushing through difficult times, I need to be that person to push others through difficult times. 2016 (academically speaking) has been a very isolated year for me, which is a good thing in a sense; independent learner and all that, but here’s to a better balance as we go forward. 

(Going to do a deeper post-semester analysis (maybe tomorrow) but I just wanted to capture some thoughts before plunging into Evidence Law for the day.)

[noogeroo]

Looking back on the past few days I realise I’ve spent a lot of time running away from work. For some reason, because I’ve not kept up with the semester or something, I’m feeling like I am totally out of my depth. Strange, given that this semester I only have 2 exams and I think if I took all the time and carefully worked through all the concepts I would be in an alright position. 

Adversity reveals you? If that’s the case I’m not sure I like what has been revealed, but today, it’s time to get cracking, no matter how tough it seems or how little I understand. Some reading is better than no reading, some understanding is better than no understanding. I’m not going to get it unless I start going out there and getting it. 

Wish me luck, I think it might just be a long day.

[noogeroo]

Light

I get this sinking feeling that while I spent a long time getting lucky, I gave up the opportunity to get better. 

Playing catch up isn’t going to be easy, but at least I know it.

But for now, it’s 2 more laps till the next pit stop and I really pray that I have enough gas.

[noogeroo]

Hierarchies

Body subject to Soul

Soul subject to Spirit

[noogeroo]

Due and overdue

Due: justified (i.e. due diligence)  \\ Overdue: past it’s due date

Never thought I’d ever say this but what’s sorely lacking in my life right now is reflection. i.e. I need to think more. So much rushing around, getting things done, ticking off checkboxes, speeding down to-do lists. Right now to me the clearest evidence that I need to slow down and think more comes in the form of this incredibly stiff neck which has plagued me for 3 days now (I think it’s 3 days). It’s something I’ll laugh about when it’s over (I hope) but for now it’s constant pain, constant aversion to any vigorous movement, and it is profoundly crippling in the sense that I can still function but my impairment is too ridiculous/absurd for me to bother trying to explain it to people. 

Of course, in my self-pitying, pathetic state, the first explanation that leaps to my mind is the fact that my over-clocked neck muscle tension is simply the product of too much stress. That is a definite possibility, and an eminently reasonable, defensible position to take. But thinking about it, I could really use better posture while working. I’ve had too many nights of falling asleep at/on my laptop or readings... too many nights spent crouched over the shaky foldable table I have set up in my room (because it’s too noisy outside)... too many nights of sleeping on the edge of my bed because I am too tired (i.e. lazy) to get up, shower, and go to sleep properly. 

Something has to be done, and I am realising this only because of the pain it brings. And perhaps there is a purpose in this pain, because I am realising now that I need to think about problems just like my neck pain. I need to break things down and understand them, and not just try to steamroll away the symptoms. So here goes me breaking things down before I break down.

1. Hurt people hurt people

My summer experience has shown me that I am, at my core, selfish, jealous, manipulative, graceless, insensitive, perfectionistic, fault-finding, and unappreciative. Somehow, these were the most common elements of the reactions I had to situations of adversity. And I think I figured out why. 

I’m lashing out because of perceived injustice that has been done to me, and I (consciously or subconsciously) am agitating for some sort of redress... and none is coming. 

Solution: man up, get over it. As much as wrong may have been done to me, ex turpi causa - from a dishonourable cause, action does not arise. 

Learn the lesson, move on. And pray that friendships will survive. 

2. I am lonely

Haven’t been writing here much... thus, a more elegant way of communicating  the though above escapes me, though I’m sure a quick dig through my archives will reveal that I have expressed that sentiment far more eloquently. For now, though, directness is to be favoured over gracefulness.

Now, I really appreciate the people around me. Just finished a group project which went pretty well; we covered (all?) the angles in a short span of time, ran our presentation with minimal practice and minimal hiccups. 

3. 1 + 2 = vicious cycle

I have always been someone who needs people. It’s just the way I function. Or rather, it’s the way I simply cannot function if I start to lose touch. But the more I wallow in self-pity and allow myself to believe that “no one understands me”, the more I push people away, and the more I push people away, the deeper I start to sink into self-pity. 

4. Sad music is not the cure

Sad lyrics and melancholy tunes are a palliative balm with no lasting effects, and nothing replaces the need to confront your problems and get to the root of things. And on that note, I think I will start to write more. I realise that it really doesn’t work to keep telling myself that I don’t have the time... I just end up setting myself up for more trouble. 

[noogeroo]

the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

1 Corinthians 1:25

[noogeroo]

detente/impasse

And yet again I find myself at the edge of the cliff. Every semester there is a moment where I feel nothing but immense, intense calm. This usually comes when I have completed all the project submissions and presentations, and am just getting ready to plunge into a deep mugging-for-finals abyss. 

I can scarcely believe that I’m just a few weeks from completing half of my degree. I certainly don’t feel like half a lawyer, and I console myself with the humbling knowledge that 4 years don’t make a lawyer; law is after all an apprenticeship and the on-the-job training is important too. 

Still, there’s a strange sense I get that I might be cheating my way through school. Not in the cool, photographic-memory, Mike Ross sense, but more of the “I still have no idea what I’m doing here”, “am I cut out for law”, sense. Because I definitely don’t put in the effort required of a law student, and while I have indeed managed to do more than survive in terms of grades I really worry what will happen when I go out to intern or to work and I am exposed as the (in reality) uneducated sham who doesn’t really have a grip on legal concepts. Yes, I am perhaps embellishing the details to make them sound more jialat but I do really feel like I should know more, think more, should be more connected with the industry, developments, etc. 

I don’t think the problem is that I can’t do it. If I put in the effort I will be an average law student at worst. 

The problem is that I’m still not sure if I want to do it. 

These thoughts have kind of been on my mind ever since the horrors of Year 2, Sem 1. And somehow it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything (perhaps explaining my frazzled, unsettled emotional state as of late) so I guess it’s just about the right time for these deeply unsettling thoughts to come onto the page, because I think (I wish, I hope, I pray) that the war inside my head has come to a sort of detente, or at least, an impasse.

I had the opportunity to really vocalise my somewhat settled thoughts (over a mistakenly-served cup of hot water served in white porcelain) while being interviewed by a Senior Associate and the HR manager of what is turning more and more into my dream law firm. 

Interview tip #1: Do not bring your existential angst to the interview.

Well-heeded advice. I answered the entirely anticipated “why law?” question with an answer I could stand by. I came to law because I wanted a challenge. I wanted to learn to swim by almost drowning. I came here for the community, for the incredible value placed on reason and logic and thinking things through that is surprisingly more absent in a day and age where information oozes liquid crystal. For the fact that you don’t just work as a lawyer; you are a lawyer. In the way you think, the way you tackle problems, the way you communicate your ideas. It’s not just a job, it’s an identity. Or at least that’s the way I’m imagining it was supposed to be. 

I remember doing a tour for a group of student advisors early on in my journey as an Ambassador. A senior guy was all to eager to find out what I was studying. “Law? How are you enjoying it?” he asked. “Well, I love the challenge, and the people, but there are always difficult times to go through. So I guess you could say that I love it and I hate it.” His sagely words, which still ring in my head, were: “Well, that’s how you know you are in the right place.”

Really? Is that how things work? That’s a conclusive factor? 

Yes. Questions abound, but deep down I know that whether or not I agree with him, there’s a value to just believing that you are in the right place, to get on with the grind, to put your mind to it. So I’ll still say; I love it, and I hate it, but I’m trying to love it more.