nxmelessuser

[nxmelessuser]

I didn't get to go to prom or any school dances. I'll say it doesn't matter, I don't like parties anyways. But there's a part of me that wished I could have felt what it was like. To enjoy life and youth. To have someone want me enough to enjoy it with me.

[nxmelessuser]

If i would have known that would be the last kiss I'd ever give you, I would have savored it more.

[nxmelessuser]

I can't help but miss you. Miss who you used to be. Miss everything. Regardless of how I felt. I only got a fleeting glance and it was enough to make my heart ache.

[nxmelessuser]

I'm afraid to tell you the real reason why I was crying because I don't want you to leave

[nxmelessuser]

Why am I crying right now? Do I really crave reassurance, affection, and comfort that badly? Am I that lacking that I break down over something so minor?

[nxmelessuser]

I still want to kiss you.

[nxmelessuser]

My life is a mess, I've always been aware of that. I wonder if anyone thinks it, if it's as obvious as I feel it is. Or if I give off this illusion of a present wrapped in a pretty bow when the gift is shattered inside.

[nxmelessuser]

I'm back where I started. I wonder if my bed missed me. Missed the hours i'd spend unmoving, doing everything I could to forget about my life and my thoughts. Focusing on delusions rather than reality because it was easier that way. My side starts to ache but I don't care, it's too much effort to roll over. I need to shower, I need to eat but the idea of standing seems insurmountable. As if I started the day with one spoon instead of 10. I'll get up eventually as if on auto pilot. Play my part in my corporate role. Pretend to be someone. But I'll be back where I started again.

[nxmelessuser]

Despite everything, I miss you. I want to kiss you. Hold your hand. Hug you. Cuddle you. I just want to talk to you, be near you. And if I'm being honest if I thought for a second you'd want to be fine with me again. If you wanted to date me. If you wanted to sleep with me. That I'd say yes? Break down everything I built up in an instant because god, I still like you.

[nxmelessuser]

All I wanted was any sort of accountability. Honesty. Fuck, an apology. I'm so easy to forgive. I give too many chances. Maybe in a way this protects me, not being able to give you another.

[nxmelessuser]

I don't know if you've bothered to look at this. But if you have and you're here, against my better judgement your number has been left unblocked. I wanted to cut you off completely, everyone said I should. That i deserved better. I don't know why I'm still so miserable. Why I still miss you.

[nxmelessuser]

I've been eating less and less lately over the past month. Or few months, who knows. What started as a forgetful habit has turned into a mentally dependent cycle. Some days are better than others. I'll get two, maybe three meals in. But I won't lie and say there were days I didn't eat at all. Days where food didn't sound appealing. Sometimes it's not even because I'm not hungry, but I can't get myself to eat anyways. Despite my effort to try.

I must be getting skinnier, though that wasn't my intention. My doctor, my mom, my friends mom..they all noticed a change in appearance even if I didn't. I didn't do it because I think I'm fat, despite my self conscious thoughts. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just my own mind.

People have started to ask if I ate. If I brought food, they started to give me things because they care. Because they worry. I don't know how to tell them I don't know how to fix the problem. Something I never thought would become a problem. That still doesn't feel like a big enough deal in my mind to cause worry. I never wanted people to worry.

[nxmelessuser]

I've never felt more validated and invalidated for feeling the way I do. I can't tell if I'm in the right or the wrong. If I deserved the way I was treated. Or if they deserved the way I treated them. It's easy to hurt and be hurt. I listen to people tell me I'm right, tell me to not be upset, to forget, to disconnect. And I don't listen. Because I have the benefit of the doubt. Because my feelings control my actions. Because they don't know like I do. My biggest asset and my biggest downfall.

[nxmelessuser]

It's been awhile since I posted.

I feel like all I do is exist lately while things happen one by one. Walking through life in constant disassociation. Maybe I've just become numb to it all. Life hasn't felt like living in awhile. It's barely survivable. And yet I keep going, monotonously. As if it'll make up for the last couple years. As if it'll make up for my whole life. Sometimes I'm just so damn tired. But somehow I manage anyways, functioning just enough.

And yet I still can't even take care of myself. People have started to try and take care of me and I appreciate it more than anything, but it just makes me feel like a failure. Like a burden. Like I'm not worth the effort. That I'll be too much. Because I am. I always have been. I can hear it in their tone, when they're sick of dealing with my problems and my emotions. When I lean too much.

I've only found one person in my life that accepts me completely. The only one I feel like I can say or do anything and they'll still be there. No one knows me like they think they do. They only know what I've allowed them to know. And I still feel like a stranger.

[nxmelessuser]

I miss the way we used to be. I miss the way we ended a date with planning a new one because we couldn't wait to see one another again. Hours talked without feeling a single minute. The way your hand feels in mine. Your arm around my shoulder. The way we kept getting too distracted by each other to notice the world around us. Stolen kisses, uttered affections. Is it too soon? Too much? A couple weeks feels fast, but maybe our timeline is different.

I think about you. Alot more than I should. At this rate you're living rent free in my mind. First thought when I wake up and last thought before I fall asleep, already anticipating your next words with excitement. Wishing to just exist in your universe. Do you feel the same? Or will I be told I'm too young, too naive to understand the concept?

I'm scared. For what this means. For the unknown. To try and trust someone other than myself, to hope they won't inflict that hurt I fear so much. To move that wall around my heart to give you a chance. To give me a chance.

My heart has always been too big for my chest. This might crash and burn, ending with tears and heartache. But I don't regret a single moment. Not a wasted minute.

[nxmelessuser]

I'm so tired of everyone else having someone else, why cant that be me? Don't I deserve it?

[nxmelessuser]

I can't help but always feel like if I was skinnier. If I was prettier. If I was more confident. Then maybe someone would actually want me. Would actually make me their first choice