off-duty-rmt - Tumblr blog

[off-duty-rmt]

Nature always wears the colors of the spirit.

[off-duty-rmt]

breathe.

[off-duty-rmt]

G

There's this random thought in my head right now. Like, what if he comes back. What am I gonna do?

I might want him back.

Sa totoo lang, hindi naman nya ako pinile eh so bakit feeling ko nilalapit kami ng tadhana kasi nasa isang country nalang kami ngayon when expected him to stay at home with his girlfriend. Ang haba ng sentence na yan. Pero kahit kasi anong gawin ko, sa kanya comfortable yung utak ko.

So ayun. Natatakot ako na magkita kami kasi baka bumalik lakat. Okay naman na ako pero wala lang akong magustuhang iba. That does not mean na may gusto padin ako sa kanya. Nalala ko padin yung lahat ng shit na pinagdaanan ko for such a short period of time. Heck, I don't want to feel that vulnerable again. And that's what I hate about this falling in love shit, yung ilagagay mo yung trust mo sa isang tao na hindi ka nila iiwan, na hindi ka nila sasaktan pero in the end they're just gonna do a exact opposite.

Sa bagay bakit ba naman kasi tayo nag expect. Ayan tuloy nasasaktan tayo. Kaka asa ko nasabihan tuloy ako ng "hindi kita pinaasa. Ikaw yung nag paasa sa sarili mo." And sakit kaya nun.

[off-duty-rmt]

on repeat

[off-duty-rmt]

The curse of being an only child with anxiety

I honestly do not know where to start. If you're reading this and you're in you late twenties like me, then say hello to childhood trauma. I've made this into a list to keep everything organized. I think the key here is to arrange each one in numerals and then add more. Whatever. No one is gonna read this blog post anyway. Be grammar Nazi if you want to. It doesn't matter anyway.

1. Wanting to be alone, CONSTANLY.

Because we're used to doing things alone. I would constantly beg to spend a lot of time by myself doing things that I like. Most of us are introverts. I have a plethora of hobbies and would always find time to learn more. One day, I want to be an interior designer, and then the next day, I'd want to be a music producer. And I tell you what, it is costing me a lot of money. There's just too many things to do whilst being alone and non of it (in most cases) includes socializing. Maybe I need to find a different that's actually gonna help me pay my ever increasing credit card bills lol.

2. Wanting to be alone while also craving human interaction and strong friendships.

Now I'm not saying I don't have friends because I do. I really do. But you can only count them by hand because trust me, even with social media and all, I really don't have a lot. Actually, I struggle with this one. It's as if I don't know how to be friendly. It's as if I feel that no body really wants to be friends with me. I would have these thoughts. Maybe I'm not friendly enough. Maybe it's my RBF. Maybe I'm not cool enough or maybe I am too cool that I become too intimidating. That, or I'm just a horrible person. I don't know.

3. Then the anxiety comes in.

I feel that nobody really wants me there (a lot of times). I don't feel this way around my closest friends, whom by the way are thousands of miles away from me. I feel hurt when I'm not included, parties, group chats, dine outs, etc. This has got to be one of my darkest ghosts. This drags me down all the time, the feeling of not being in the circle, the feeling of being left behind. Whenever there's an event wherein this happens, I would just crumble. All my demons suddenly becomes alive, and suddenly I'm this 4 year old child again, pushed to play with kids who treats me differently, who doesn't want me there because I'm not part of the family.

4. I feel alone with my demons.

It feels like I'm trapped with my thoughts and my demons when it becomes too quiet, or after I get triggered. And I have learned the hard way to never let people around me know about me feeling this because people can easily use this weakness against me and I wouldn't even know how to get out once I'm in that hole again. As a child I would just go into hiding whenever they would bully me, child or adult, I would always hide. My parents weren't really around most of the time because of work and so I have learned to go into defense mode all the time when people would threaten to hurt me. And so I would be in my own little box where I could escape them and feel safe. My only companions were my toys, the TV, and my grandma.

5. Saying goodbye.

I didn't have a lot of nice things whilst growing up, when I do, I protect them and treasure them. Same with people. That's why I would feel a sense of grief after losing something, or someone. I did not take it easy when my grandma died because that's where the depression started back when I was in my second year of college. I was around 17 at that time and boy was I depressed. I was in my lowest that I started to fail my classes and had to transfer to a different university. I had to say goodbye to my closest friends in at uni. And when I finally got transferred to a different university, that was one of the moments wherein I felt so lost and indifferent to almost everyone. I did not fail my subjects but I wasn't doing great. The only good thing about transferring was that I escaped from distraction by overly surrounding my self with a lot of people.

[off-duty-rmt]

Prompt

The story never went like that. Because there never really was a story. She did not end up with him. He chose someone and let her get away. It was all a lie.

[off-duty-rmt]

late night reading

[off-duty-rmt]

Taron Egerton: Ultimate spoiler, King of REGGSY SHIPPING!

Q: Sophie, can you describe the relationship with your character Roxy and Eggsy? 

(X)

[off-duty-rmt]

missing this era

EGGSY & ROXY

Kingsman (2014)

[off-duty-rmt]

I don't know where I've read this before but it goes something like this,

"You're either not enough or too much for the wrong person."

It just makes so much sense now, that I'm finally done questioning my worth for someone. All this time I've been fighting to feel enough for this person and it turns out, there really is nothing that I can do. It's just not me. It's him. He's not the right person for me, and that's it. Simple.

[off-duty-rmt]

i have a weakness for you, deep talks and beautiful sunsets

- takethisride

[off-duty-rmt]

“Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; time takes time. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”

— Johanna de Silentio

[off-duty-rmt]

5 reasons you MUST read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

1. You feel like you don’t have any mentor or somebody to guide you

Rarely, if you’re lucky, you come across a teacher or a senior who greatly impacts your life by changing your ideas and perspectives about everything and by imparting wisdom and knowledge you know you won’t find easily or never at all if it wasn’t for them. This book is just that. 

2.  You are at a turning point in life

Whether it is graduating school/college, shifting jobs/countries, making a life changing decision, or having a life crisis, this book will equip you with a mindset that will prove to be highly beneficial. 

3. You have recently failed at something and are unable to deal with that or a past failure

Failure is daunting and while we know it is important and forms stepping stones to eventual success, it’s still hard to deal with it and take it in our stride. This book helps with just that. 

4.  You feel highly demotivated and uninspired

You may come across uncountable inspirational quotes and posts online which you hope may help but in all honesty they never do, or at least they never have any lasting impact. This book, because of it’s fresh and solid content helps in ways you would not imagine a book could.

5. You want to define words like happiness, success and purpose for yourself by yourself and deeply care about personal values. 

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK will tell you why your value system is important. It will tell you how to use that to build your ideas of happiness and success. It will explain why these two concepts are something most humans merely chase but never achieve. 

[off-duty-rmt]

I'm sorry that you have to feel this way. I don't have the answers to why it had to be this way. All I know is that you are well-loved, G. You are well-loved by your mom. And I love you. I'm always going to be here for you. Just call on me if you need me. But for now, it's time to say goodbye. You've given so much of yourself to the people you love, now it's time to say goodbye and choose yourself. Love yourself, G. Please love yourself the way that I love you. Please let me love you.

[off-duty-rmt]

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/39PGGK7PJt13L9ePMPvY6t?si=LAD2VeLOS_e9QLMpNMC_Mg)

[off-duty-rmt]

bb gurl

She’s a triumph. In the history of Balmoral, no one has ever passed the test with such flying colors.

[off-duty-rmt]

still a favorite

It’s about a young girl, a young and foolish girl, who sees something from her bedroom window which she doesn’t understand, but she thinks she does.

Atonement (2007) dir. Joe Wright