ohwhale101

[ohwhale101]

[ohwhale101]

2024 part 1

[ohwhale101]

[ohwhale101]

Well i Love you if that helps

[ohwhale101]

Am I in Love with You?

I like to ask questions. Lots of questions. Questions on every topic, even the ones that most people avoid. Especially when starting new relationships–platonic, romantic, or otherwise.

I despise the “getting to know you” process, the relationship purgatory, the friendship limbo. The period of time when you’ve just started to engage with someone past the in-class, coworker, etc. acquaintanceship. I hate the constant tiptoeing, trying to find the boundaries, trying to find the lines you’re not supposed to cross. I hate the trying to figure out if they’re as interested in being involved with you as you are with them, or waiting to see if they do something problematic to fuck things up. I hate the discomfort, the lack of real intimacy. I hate it so much because all I want is to feel that comfort, that intimacy that comes with established relationships, that comes with knowing things about each other, things that take the relationship to new levels previously unknown. The only quick way to surpass the discomfort of the getting to know you process is to ask questions, and to ask lots of them.

One of my favorites to ask, to those who have made it to the farthest, is:

What does being in love feel like to you?

I love this question for many reasons. It’s a question that’s personal, intimate. Love, despite being a seemingly widespread phenomenon, is something experienced so differently by every individual. How love was presented to you as a child, what forms of affection mean the most to you, what aspects of life–and of relationships– you value most… all these can be factors in the way someone experience love. And so, having the way someone feels love described to you is so telling of who they are at their core, and that’s not something we as humans often let other humans be privy to.

It’s a question that forces someone to describe something seemingly indescribable. Like describing a color to someone that can’t see, or the taste of meat to someone who’s never tried it, grief to a child who has only just begun to grasp the concept of death. It’s so interesting to see the gears turning as someone tries to find the words to describe this socially constructed phenomenon that still somehow means so much and is so very real to us. It’s so intriguing to watch the concentration and frustration behind someone’s eyes, the furrowing of there brow as they think: “How does being in love feel to me?”

But most significant of the reasons I love this question is that it forces me, for a moment, to examine the way that I feel love, what it says of me the way that I experience it, how it measures up to the way my new companion feels love.

How does being in love feel to me?

It starts with an urge. A desire to say it out loud:

I love you.

A desire that I swiftly ignore whenever it comes about because “it’s too soon to feel that, you’re just getting excited,” because “if you say it now they won’t say it back, it’s too soon to expect that of them,” because “falling in love doesn’t happen this fast.”

But then the urge becomes more frequent, more demanding. Every time I see them the words are itching to leap off my tongue, I become love drunk in their presence, so tipsy on affection I am out of control of my faculties and could say something stupid, premature at any moment. However, fear and learned distrust of my emotions keeps me from doing so.

And then, finally, there is a moment, a singular, magnificent moment of euphoria so great, so Earth shatteringly grand, that I am forced to accept that yes:

I love you.

And I know that if you don’t say it the next time we see each other, it will fly from my mouth without restraint and it won’t matter your response because I am so in love that even a thank you would satisfy me. Just knowing my love is accepted is enough.

I’ve been thinking of this feeling in regards to you for a while. And it’s strange how much harder it is for me to know and trust my own feelings when they are for someone so much farther from me than I ever thought someone I care this deeply for could be. I feel disassociated from my normal pattern, my personal processing of falling in love. I feel like I’m being forced to find my love for you in a way I’ve never had to do before.

My mind has been rattling with the thought:

Am I in love with you?

[ohwhale101]

April 25th

12:22am

I feel alone. Cesar takes a lot of time to himself.

No text goodnight again. I don’t think he’s sent one since you asked him to.

I just want to see my boyfriend and have him be excited to see me.

[ohwhale101]

March 6, 2023

Let’s see, where do I begin.

Since last time, you:

Are about to graduate

Are about to start student teaching

Have a boyfriend named Cesar

Still have two jobs, Trinity and Newsongs

Are learning about yourself again and what it requires for you to be in a relationship

You’re finally in the last stretch of your undergrad. It’s taken a long time to get where you are and I am so happy you made it to the end of something.

Student teaching is going to be daunting, but you have tons of experience now and you’re going to crush it, I just know it. Remember to keep in mind what you are in control of and what’s out of your control. Deep breaths.

Cesar is…well…different. He’s beautiful, talented, witty, and has soft eyes, but is the most structured (and stubborn) man you’ve ever dated. He is very much an opposite to most of your qualities. While you are bubbly and emotional, he’s stern and sometimes emotionless. While you are wanting to show tons of affection, he does not want affection shown in that way. You are currently terrified of how you two are going to progress but you both are happy with each other. He buys you gifts and gives you compliments. He has a way to make you feel safe and at home, and it is wonderful that you’re finally telling somebody “I love you” again. In fact, you say it every time you see him now, so I guess you’ve really come a long way. It has not been the easiest being with him but you know that and yet you stay. You really love him Ryan. See where it leads you.

Your two jobs are still newsongs and Trinity but, with student teaching coming up, that could all be changing soon. While it is scary to give up a job or cut hours, remember this is all so you can finally have a career in teaching music. You owe it to yourself to prioritize this program and get the most out of it.

You… have some habits from past relationships. So often you prioritized sex and it’s presence in a relationship. While sex is fun, it cannot hold a relationship together, and you’re currently exploring what that means. And Cesar is the catalyst for your dive into self discovery. He’s helping you realize some of your bad habits when it comes to relationships, and you are working on yourself because of your want to stay with him, but not for him, for you.

A lot has happened in one year, but I am so lucky to be able to reflect like this with you. Life has truly been a rollercoaster from the first post on this blog and will most likely have many more twists and turns before this app dies or I stop updating. Keep your music alive, Ry. You always do.

Oh yeah

Just a few reminders of this time of your life

[ohwhale101]

Things about Cesar

4/7/23

Cesar is my boyfriend and he’s got some quirky things about him. Some things I want him to get better at are:

• texting with a little more context than “oh ok”. I’m not a kind reader and him saying things like “no you have fun” and no baby or babe attached to it worries me.

• being just a little more affectionate. He’s making definite progress but I could use a little bit more here and there.

• I need more intimacy with him. Yeah he’s been injured which has put a damper on things, but I’m craving intimacy.

You’ve got things you need to work on too, so be more direct with your communication with him.

[ohwhale101]

March 6, 2023

Let’s see, where do I begin.

Since last time, you:

Are about to graduate

Are about to start student teaching

Have a boyfriend named Cesar

Still have two jobs, Trinity and Newsongs

Are learning about yourself again and what it requires for you to be in a relationship

You’re finally in the last stretch of your undergrad. It’s taken a long time to get where you are and I am so happy you made it to the end of something.

Student teaching is going to be daunting, but you have tons of experience now and you’re going to crush it, I just know it. Remember to keep in mind what you are in control of and what’s out of your control. Deep breaths.

Cesar is…well…different. He’s beautiful, talented, witty, and has soft eyes, but is the most structured (and stubborn) man you’ve ever dated. He is very much an opposite to most of your qualities. While you are bubbly and emotional, he’s stern and sometimes emotionless. While you are wanting to show tons of affection, he does not want affection shown in that way. You are currently terrified of how you two are going to progress but you both are happy with each other. He buys you gifts and gives you compliments. He has a way to make you feel safe and at home, and it is wonderful that you’re finally telling somebody “I love you” again. In fact, you say it every time you see him now, so I guess you’ve really come a long way. It has not been the easiest being with him but you know that and yet you stay. You really love him Ryan. See where it leads you.

Your two jobs are still newsongs and Trinity but, with student teaching coming up, that could all be changing soon. While it is scary to give up a job or cut hours, remember this is all so you can finally have a career in teaching music. You owe it to yourself to prioritize this program and get the most out of it.

You… have some habits from past relationships. So often you prioritized sex and it’s presence in a relationship. While sex is fun, it cannot hold a relationship together, and you’re currently exploring what that means. And Cesar is the catalyst for your dive into self discovery. He’s helping you realize some of your bad habits when it comes to relationships, and you are working on yourself because of your want to stay with him, but not for him, for you.

A lot has happened in one year, but I am so lucky to be able to reflect like this with you. Life has truly been a rollercoaster from the first post on this blog and will most likely have many more twists and turns before this app dies or I stop updating. Keep your music alive, Ry. You always do.

Oh yeah

Just a few reminders of this time of your life

[ohwhale101]

You’re keeping your music alive. I’m proud of you

[ohwhale101]

April 19, 2022

So you’ve gotten ðis far huh? Welp… a lot has changed since last update. You have gotten your church job back, you don’t work at innout anymore, you are TEACHING, and you’ve decided to take on another year of schooling. You’ve developed a wicked taste for hyperpop and just outright noises, and that’s kinda rad. You’ve figured out you’re still gay but relationships aren’t your thing rn in school. You are talking to one guy right now but it is just so-so rn. You’re president of University Chorale and you’ve also been competing in singing competitions (and winning some?!?!). Idk, every time I come back to ðis blog I þink of how much further we’ve come as a musician and a person. You haven’t given up yet, ðough you’ve wanted to, and it is all starting to pay off. Not to mention you are on a softball team and kickball team on top of two jobs and school full time. I’m not sure how you do it, but you’re doing it.

On another note ðough, Taylor is ðe only family you talk to consistently. Dad never calls you, Jane doesn’t return your calls, and your stepsiblings don’t reach out either. Trevor does call every now and again but you don’t feel compelled to answer for some reason. You should probably fix ðat, but you do you I guess. Family would be nice, but it looks like dad and Jane are moving to Arizona soon so they’ll be even further from you but closer to court and Wes. It makes sense I guess, but it seems like you don’t even have parents anymore, which I don’t þink really bothers you, huh? Ðese are ðe same parents who pushed you to ðe brink of insanity growing up and didn’t really believe in your craft. Ðey still bug you to ðis day about doing music and you should be working already, which sucks. But, hell, ðey dont pay your bills so it doesn’t bother you.

We’ve made so much progress, Ryan. It’s insane because I don’t even recognize you anymore

You’ve fought þrough so much to get to ðis point. Things aren’t perfect, but god you’ve kept your music alive. Or maybe it’s ðe other way around? Who’s to say. Till next time side blog.

[ohwhale101]

Some thoughts tonight

-nothing I had in my parents house was mine, all possessions were conditional

-I don’t think I ever got over my parents selling my bed to get me to move out quicker

-I don’t trust myself to become attached to anyone, and I þink it stems from something mentioned above

-oh well I guess

[ohwhale101]

January 22nd, 2021

Ok so WHAT THE FUCK was 2020... everything shut down about a month after we made our last post. You lost the majority of your church job, lost your choirs, lost interactions with your friends, and had several scares with COVID because your coworkers came in while sick. Despite all the odds, you’re still here and doing better. You had some shitty roommates from May to December but now you have a gay roommate, a revamped apartment, and so many new opportunities awaiting you this year.

I know this blog has really been for us to reflect on our feelings of nostalgia and romantic melancholy, so what can I add from last year? Well, we’ve tried to date several times but the pandemic made it impossible to pursue anything further. You still think about Brian from time to time, but it’s not so much a longing for as an introspection. Would it be nice to see him again? Maybe. Do I know that I don’t need a man to be happy? Yeah. I should add more to this post but I’ll leave it here as to provide further material. I’m proud of you, Ryan. Great job keeping your music alive, and never stop.

[ohwhale101]

January 27, 2020

My life has been going amazing lately. I’m in three choirs and an opera this semester, enjoying all my music, what I’m learning and all the friends I’m making in the process...Thought about you again tho. I saw a guy pop up and I swore it was you, but of course it wasn’t and now I can’t stop thinking about you. I hope someday I’ll find someone to make me forget about you, but 6 years later I still cry. For the Santa Barbara trips, to the phone calls, to the times I’ve ran into you in various places around California...

I wish I didn’t think about you still

I wish things were different

I wish that you were in my life again, if only briefly

I’m so much stronger now and, god, my music has grown so much you’d be amazed at what the kid you knew has become.

I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance.

It hurts to know I probably don’t even cross your mind, but I hope you’re well Brian. And you’ll never see this because I was just a lesson for you, and you were everything to me.

Consider this just another memory post, you’ll be better someday, Ryan. Just keep your music alive.

[ohwhale101]

So something about closure,

I got the closure I was looking for. You didn’t like me anymore in a romantic way and I was crushed. But that was it, done and done. I moved on; I started working on myself and what I have between Frankie and I. I have done so much for myself including pushing forward to a 4 year university, doing vocal recitals, musicals, internships, etc. and finding a life for myself.

So tell me why I still cry when I see your face. No matter how much I work on myself, I still cry at the glimpse of your face. Reading about your success of graduating while I won’t be done with school for another 3-4 years; I feel like shit. These feelings are terrible and I wish I didn’t have to feel what I am feeling rn but I just wish I wasn’t going through this. I wish I had figured out life earlier. I wish I had you in my life still. I wish my life was better already.

But that won’t help me as a person. Thank you for making me question what I am doing and reminding me that my progress isn’t based on your progress. I am going to outgrow this shell of a person rn and bloom into the best damned choir director that I can be. I just wish you were there to see me do it too

My goal for 2017 is to not need this blog anymore

Whatever happens, I hope this year brings me the closure or clarity that I seek

[ohwhale101]

I Hope Not

please don’t delete my caption