onegrahamcrackerperday

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

Dreams

Here's the funny thing about dreams: it shows your honest feelings and emotions that you have bottled up whether you want to admit it or not. It's also hilarious how we can dream about someone whose face we saw months ago but can't remember that last advantage of using a Transaction Processing System even though you spent all night cramming for this one exam. Dreams are powerful. You can interpret them in so many ways, it could be a warning for the future, it could be a secret desire you're too embarrassed to talk about or it could literally be nothing. For some people, dreams are often too realistic so they hate having them.

I, on the other hand, do not dream often. So when I do, like last night, I know it's because something has been bothering me. I don't have any fancy dreams of things I know that will happen nor do I even have nightmares.

One thing I hate most is feeling powerless. Powerless to have things go in the way you want them to or powerless to help others see a situation in the way that you do. In actuality, I don't know if I'm powerless or if this is just pride. They say if you really want something, you've got to fight for it. That's cool and all but what if, for once, I'd like to be the one that gets fought for? Am I really powerless to right a wrong or steer a situation in the right way if I'm being too prideful to “double text”?

I talk big for someone who said they'd be willing to show how “different” I am than those that came before me but can you blame me?

I try so hard not to be a product of my environment. You'd think after reading “men are trash” daily on Twitter, we'd try to do better. But nah, we still mess up (and largely, do not care). I still do this and love to pretend to not care. That's the biggest lie I've told. I care too much. Even then, knowing this, I put on a front.

This dream, for me, was a sign that I should do something about it. Drop the facade, swallow my pride and be ready for whatever it is will come out of “doing better”.

Still, it was just a dream and it could just be a whole lot of nothing.

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

Mood Music

I love music. Hip-Hop/Rap, in particular, is what I love listening to most. Every now and then, I appreciate genres of music from my regional roots like Dancehall and Soca. I mean, what’s a party without Vybez?

I’d listen to Hip Hop indiscriminately, regardless of my mood but lately, I find myself preferring to fit the genre of music to my mood. Whether its the side chick commandments of SZA’s CTRL, Jhene Aiko’s psychedelic and minimalist Trip, Jorja Smith’s sultry voice and Daniel Caesar’s masterfully crafted Freudian, I find solace in these softer tunes. See, this is all an effort to keep myself mellow when I’m feeling down from outside struggles. Sometimes, as a gamer, I like to listen to some tracks that elicit similar emotions. For uninitiated, VGM can be any type of music even some that when played at the perfect moment, is just as good as normal music with lyrics.

If not for music, where would I be? I was often the person who’d have headphones in near 95% of the time you see me anywhere in public. The only reason why I’m not doing that now is that I don’t own a headset. Tragic, I know. Music is incredibly therapeutic for me. The subject matter doesn’t have to mesh with the mood, all I need is for it to just .. jam.

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

Being Mentally Drained is so 2017

Being unemployed is pretty taxing. Mental health is woefully ignored in the grand scheme of things. I live in a big enough home, I eat 3 square meals each day, I don’t have many responsibilities but I’ve got to confess, this is eating at me. This didn’t just start 4 months ago when I decided to leave. Mentally, I’ve been deteriorating since 2017 began which I imagine got worse once I, the trooper I am, decided to stay for summer hoping I’d (will you guess it) get a job and work towards the next upcoming semester.

That was a bad idea.

I shut myself off. All I wanted to do was escape the inevitability that I would have to spend longer in a situation that was no longer sustainable and conducive to my overall happiness and my sanity. That place really felt like a home away from home and I didn’t want to say goodbye. But for a very long time, it also felt like a cell. As the days went by, we had many false leads, dead ends and broken promises. It all would’ve been manageable if not for the fact that what was once a tightly knit relationship, now feels no more than two friends bunking in some dorm in a backwater university. I have a fault I’d do where I would sometimes not speak about something that is bothering me to the person I should most. It’s not that I don’t want to be transparent but I prefer to shoulder the burden. It’s pretty bad, sue me.

Easy for some of you to say, to do something and get busy. Even when I’m “busy”, I’m still obsessing over the phone calls I’ll never get and the wasted ink and paper sent to my residence just to tell me my application has been “filed”. Obsessing over how much time is being wasted. Feverishly making so many plans in order to remedy with all the mistakes in the last year. All, at the mercy of the machine. The who you know, or rather, who knows you will get you a job faster than you who deserves it or have the qualifications/prowess to do the job. If you dwell on these things for too long, they poison the well.

And dwell I did.

It’s hard to keep a positive outlook for the new year when it feels like everything is stacked against you. Harder to keep a positive outlook when you realize even after you’ve gone and slaved for 3 years at a pitiful institution, there is no guarantee that you will get employed because the machine is working and the odds are stacked heavily against you.

All I want is a way in. Some sort of freedom to spur the type of change I want for myself. I’m fed up of being .. ‘me’.

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

50% in and 50% back

I hate giving all of my attention/energy to any one thing at one time. Make any conclusion that you can with that bit of information. I must multitask. In the event that something doesn’t go the way I want it, I got like 3 back up plans.

On the topic of conversations, I hate being the one flexing the conversational muscle. Y’all don’t think I like being the uninteresting one too? I love hearing the sound of my voice/strokes of my keypad as much as the other guy does but sometimes I like being the one to sit back and get pressed, y’know? That really bums me out so as such, I only give 50% and I tend to expect an equal amount of effort back. The sad thing is no one owes you shit. If they wanna give you 10%, you can’t fault them. Especially if they have a right to do so. Don’t do it with me though.

Sometimes I’m willing to do a whole lot than I really should because I’m trying to prove myself but that sucks when you don’t get anything in return. Maybe I shouldn’t be seeking validation and praise or be doing things to prove a point. I probably won’t stop though cause I love proving points. That won’t happen if I keep letting my blessings get blocked.

If you know me and you speak to me, please know that I expect you to be interesting and engaging. I hate when I give space then turn out to look like the bad one cause if anyone does that for 2018, they’re getting a hymc.

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

Tolerating Others

No post yesterday cause I actually left my house to socialize. That is very rare, I’ll tell you that.

How high is your tolerance for other people? How often do you let others into your lives, learn how each other thinks, crush misunderstandings and ultimately, trust each other with your “true” feelings. I realized recently that I can’t relate too much with all the trust issues people tend to have. I’ve always been pretty disassociated wth these kind of things. I never cared. It was never that deep for me. If I had to pinpoint why I am that way is that it possibly could be cause of my own insecurities (feeling expendable) but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a bad feeling to have. 

I am pretty trusting, not to a fault because I know how most people always have ulterior motives. However, we can start vibing on a clean slate and I ain’t going to judge you for anything you’ve done in the past or any of your out of pocket tweets. I must say though, some of y’all are trifling. I won’t judge you but I bet someone is judging me based on first impression through twitter and are convinced that I am insufferable and cannot tolerate me. Well, that’s where you’d be right, I didn’t like yo bitch ass anyway.

Anyway, I’ll be going out of my way to be out of my element to grow out of my shell. Tolerating others and making new friends is just one step in that. So far, it’s not going so bad at all. 

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

A toast to 2018

This is a toast to the future.

This is also a toast to everything 2017 was not, 2018 will be.

I’ve always found New Year's resolutions to be extremely lame and cliched but here I am making one. I’ve said my piece about 2017 so here’s what I want 2018 to be.

2018 will be filled with lots of laughter (at your expense 😏).

I’m gonna gain a couple pounds, no more shall I be a twig! No more!

I’d love to say I’m cutting off a few people but truthfully I don’t keep in contact with people that much to be even cutting me off. More than likely I’m the one getting cut off. So hear what for 2018, I’m making more friends so I can cut them off for 2019.

I’m leaving love to the Lord Jesus Christ cause I don’t know how that’ll go for 2018 so the motto really is, more life and more wife!

Once I get that job I want, nothing wil stop me.  I will be content, live my truth and be all that I can be. That just means you have to deal with me being sort  of an asshole but sort of a sweet heart, you dig?

Happy New Year and I pray whoever’s reading this meets all their goals and all their wishes granted for the new year.

Most of all, don’t forget to wish me a Happy Birthday.

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

Subtlety is key

Subtle is my middle name, perhaps I am too subtle at times. I almost never be straight with you 100% unless I say I am being so. Do you see this as a fault or a no buy? If so, I don’t blame you. Just know that I am not always on the bullshit. I’ve got to protect myself sometimes. Now, that could be because I want to continue doing my scumbaggery in secret or keep manipulating the conversation in the way that I want it to. Oh, that sounds bad, doesn’t it? It’s not what it looks like. I am actively trying to be a  better person for 2018 so don’t put too much stock in what I just said.

There’s this one thing that I wish I could be straightforward with. I know it won’t go anywhere so I refrain from saying anything. It’ll make everything way worse. Sometimes it’s best to just keep things the way they are to preserve the relationships we’ve worked so hard to create. It’s just that the idea we so often fantasize about is so alluring, we can’t help going out of our own way to make things worse. Well, it might be bad for you if the feeling isn’t mutual, naw

I don’t have to spell out exactly what I mean here because if you’re reading this, I know you aren’t stupid. I’m not being exactly subtle but that’s the beauty of it all. I could be lying. Who knows what or who I’m talking about without asking me directly?

Life sure is complicated.

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

I complain too much

After rereading what I wrote yesterday, I was wondering if anyone thinks I complain too much. Yes, there are reasons to be happy like being alive, being under a roof, being fed every day and not having to worry about rent every month. I really hate that whenever I talk about my problems to anyone, more often than not, I get these dumb cliched responses. For future reference, If I ever talk to you and your first impulse is to tell me that, keep it. I know I am alive, being fed and not homeless. I’m still going to be dying on the inside 🙄. 

Just kidding.

I know a few people who’ve told me that they wish they were introverted and I was wondering what in the world would make you think that it’s such a nice thing to be? This shit is exhausting! I’m 22 years old and I still feel the way I am isn’t “normal” because of numerous factors. I can’t be around a large number of people for too long. Give me a few hours, hell give me an hour in that bitch and I’m ready to go home. I’m not even kidding. I have to force myself to stick around social gatherings (even though I myself wanted to be there in the first place). It also doesn’t help that most people I know (I’m looking at you West Indians) are social butterflies. I don’t know how y’all do it but I want to be like you when I grow up, or never because I’m already an adult and I can’t change the way I am. 

It probably comes down to me being comfortable with who I am for once, stop complaining about things that I cannot change and do not live for other people. I realize this comes off like me complaining about things we both already know even though I’ve already identified what I should do next. 

For me, it’s just not that easy. Complaining is all I can do until I make any tangible progress.

[onegrahamcrackerperday]

2017

2017 was a bad year. I was pretty hopeful that it’d be a year that I’d become stronger and gain many things. Instead, I lost. It’s funny how that works. Perhaps I must be willing to lose in order to gain. Even then, there were a few things I learned in 2017.

God doesn’t give you more than he knows you can take.

No one owes you anything and in turn, I don’t owe anyone anything.

School is hard and maybe I am not that into my initial choice.

Living with a whole other human being can take a toll on you after a while.

How many of you have had to survive on their last dollar not knowing where you would get more? Yes, you can ask your parents but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have any to give. You can look for a job but it turns out that’s not as easy as it sounds. Surviving this ... hell over a period of a few months was one of the worse experiences I’ve had in my life and it was all because of a gamble. Believing in my ability to find a job before any problems would arise in the land of opportunity and doubles, a job would never be found. 

Hold up, can I just say one thing?

Fuck student loans. That’s all I have to say on that matter.

Of all the things that I lost this year, I think I’ve not experienced a greater loss of losing my best friend. The one who’s been with me through thick and thin for way too long. In hindsight, I may have said and done too many things that led things to end the way they did even though it was my idea. That was stupid of me but ultimately, it may be the best call. That brings me to the one lesson from 2017 I’ve yet to learn, that it’s time to move on. That’s hard for me, I’ve got to admit. 

How could I simply give up and move on when 5 moons have passed and we’ve gone through more than most? We can make this work for the fiftieth time, I’m sure. In the end, all good things must come to an end. I wish it didn’t have to end this way. Who wouldn’t?

So I moved home to start fresh. Guess what, it’s been 4 months and nothing’s changed. I am still Jobless, Penniless, and Sexless (lol). On the brighter side, in the past few months, I formed a friendship with someone who’s possibly the most amazing person in the world as I like to dub them. You’ll hear more about them in the future. 

I don’t know if anyone will read this. This is a blog I’ll try to update daily from now on because it gives me something to do. Most of 2017 was a blur for me. It’s like it started in August 31st where everything before that is too painful to keep that memory alive. Seeing as there are a few people leaving me in 2017, I thought it’d be best to keep everything prior to me coming back home in 2017 as well.

Here’s to 2018 being a better year, working towards a healthier and happier me.