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[ourinfertilejourney]

Um, 38 with a 12 month old.  What’s older than ancient?

Let's do an older mom roll call!

Some of us moms who don’t fit the “young mom” category have felt left out.

Reblog so everyone can connect.

-MixedLoveFamily, 25 with a 9 month old.

[ourinfertilejourney]

A new journey

I don't really know what to do with this blog anymore.  It began as a safe place to rant/commiserate about my infertility issues, but also to spread the news about embryo adoptions.  Now that my little girl is 4 months old, I don't know if I want to continue as a parenting blog.  Aren't there enough of those?  Besides, I rarely get a chance to sit down at the computer anyway.  

So, please forgive me if I neglect this blog a bit.  I'm grateful for every single follower and want to thank each of you for commenting/liking my posts during this past year.  If we are mutual follows, I want you to know I enjoy reading about your ups and downs and wish you all the luck in the world.  May all of our journeys be successful. 

[ourinfertilejourney]

[ourinfertilejourney]

Credit: Maki Naro (of medium.com’s The Nib)

He’s a widely respected cartoonist for Popular Science. Originally published on 15 Dec 14 at https://medium.com/the-nib/vaccines-work-here-are-the-facts-5de3d0f9ffd0

Let’s get the facts out there to all the anti-vaccine lunatics and put this issue to bed. These guys are pretty much entirely to blame for the mumps outbreaks happening.

[ourinfertilejourney]

You are stronger than you realise. You are crueller than you realise. The smallest words will break your heart. You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago. People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires. You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep. You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat. You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to. Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again. Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place. You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself. Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it. You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed. Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive. You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call. You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter. You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin. Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you. People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening. You will be okay. You will be okay.

(21 things my father never told me)

[ourinfertilejourney]

9 lb 3oz. She was a little porker. Hurt like hell getting her out too.

How much did your little one(s) weigh at birth?

[ourinfertilejourney]

Confessions of a nursing mother

It is 4:42am and I am up for the 3rd time tonite feeding my little one. What is sleep? Because I honestly don't remember. She usually gets a decent 2-3 hrs at the start then wakes every 90mins. Of course it takes 30mins for her to nurse and then go back to sleep. And since I'm the one not going to work in the morning, I get up each time. But this is soooooo exhausting. Insert "I know I'm lucky to have her. Blah blah. This won't last forever. Blah blah. Cherish these precious moments. Blah blah." But I go back to work in 10 days. If her sleeping/eating schedule isn't figured out by then, I'm going to be a zombie 24/7. Sleep deprivation is a real thing. Something I've never felt like this before. Of course, if I didn't feel SO guilty about giving formula this would be a lot easier. Christ! There's so much to feel guilty about! Am I stimulating her enough mentally? Am I making her smart or stupid? Will she feel abandoned when I go back to work? Will she grow to resent me for leaving her with someone else? UGH!!!! I know 90% of this is silly nonsense, but it's the shit that I think about at 4:42 in the morning while I'm nursing my daughter back to sleep. Oh, and I just want to add, nursing hurts like a mother fucker. My nipples constantly feel like they're going to fall off and if I don't nurse soon enough, my boobs turn into giant rocks. All of this being said, I love my daughter fiercely and am so grateful to finally be a mother. HER mother. But I just want to sleep. :-(

[ourinfertilejourney]

8 years.  Didn't have insurance for most of it, so ended up using the "track ovulation obsessively" method for about 6 yrs.  Then 2 failed IUI.  Then a failed FET (with adopted embryos) and finally a successful FET (with the last of the adopted embryos).  BFP Dec 2013.  Now I'm holding my daughter in my arms.

[ourinfertilejourney]

[ourinfertilejourney]

Accurate post is accurate.

True.

[ourinfertilejourney]

She's here!

Last week our little girl arrived, all pink and screaming.  She's utterly perfect in every way and we are so grateful to have her here.

The induction went as planned.  But I ended up laboring longer than I thought I would.  I'm not sure why I expected a short labor, but for some reason, I was convinced it was going to go rather quickly.  We showed up at the hospital at 7am, and the Doc broke my water at 9.  I decided to not be a hero and got an epidural at noon (well ahead of any real contractions).  For the next 9 hours we sat and watched TV and waited.  I never felt the contractions (which was a blessing) but I got so bored waiting.  Finally, at midnight, it was time to push.  Unfortunately, my epidural was starting to wear off and this I DID feel.  It felt like a bowling ball was stuck in my pelvis.  I pushed for two and a half hours (in every position imaginable) and thought I was going to die.  Finally, she came out and then all I could do was weep.  I shook and cried like there was no tomorrow.  Now we're all home and getting used to being a family of 3.  

[ourinfertilejourney]

2 days late and 5 days till eviction

No, I'm not being thrown out of my house.  A friend of mine referred to her induction as an eviction and I thought it was awesome, so I stole it.  I served my baby with her eviction notice today and I'm hoping she'll decide it's better to move out than be thrown out.  Either way, at least I know we'll be in the next stage of parenthood within 5 days.  Knowing that is bringing me a small amount of comfort.  It was so stressful wondering every moment if something was going to happen and if my labor was ever going to start.  

This sort of feels like the dreaded two week wait after the embryo transfer at the beginning.  Guess it's fitting that it should end with a similar feeling.

[ourinfertilejourney]

5 Days to my due date and....

I'm miserable.  I can't walk anywhere.  I can barely put my pants on by myself.  I can no longer reach my feet.  And, to top it all off, OB says I haven't dilated any further than I was 10 days ago.  Not even a centimeter.  How is that possible?!?!  It feels like this will never end.  All I want is a clue as to when I'll go into labor and as, probably, the last real mystery in life, I just have to wait.  This blows.

[ourinfertilejourney]

38 weeks today

OB says I'm 70% effaced and 1cm dilated.

Baby watch officially begins!!!

Truthfully, it would still be many days away.  But it could also be tomorrow.  You never know.  Eeeeeee!!!!!!!!  

[ourinfertilejourney]

Mixed Emotions

This whole pregnancy has been a roller coaster and never more so than now at the end.  At the beginning, it was all "Will this EVER work?  Will I ever be lucky enough to have a child?"  Then, for about 14 weeks, it was "Will I stay pregnant?"  Blessedly, I did.

Now at the end, I feel a virtual cornucopia of emotion.  I feel happy that the baby will be here soon.  I feel sick of being pregnant.  I feel physically awful (vomiting, trouble eating and sleeping, feet swelling like you can't imagine) and I just want it over with.  But I also feel sad that this may be the only time I experience this.  I feel like I should not be complaining about anything because there are thousands of women trying to conceive that would give their eye-teeth to be in my position and who am I to complain?  Hell, I was one of them this time last year.  I would get so mad at pregnant women when they complained.  "At least you CAN get pregnant, bitch," I would think.

So now, at 37 weeks, and less than 20 days before my due date, all I focus on is getting through the delivery.  Hopefully I'll be able to deal with the pain and not get too freaked out about it.  I mean, if it was THAT bad, women would never have more than one baby, right?  Also, I want to offer hope and support to all of those that are TTC.  Stay strong and keep at it.  Happy endings always start with hope.  However, if you've reached your limit, and you just can't take it anymore, I hope you are able to make peace with your decision to stop.  There can be so much freedom in letting go.

[ourinfertilejourney]

Ugh. Help?

I need suggestions and can't find good ones anywhere.  At 33 wks, it feels like my stomach has been pushed into a flat pancake by my uterus and my little one keeps pushing her feet into it.  As a result, I can barely eat anything without feeling ill.  It's like, instead of the food sitting where it's supposed to (in my stomach) it sits in my esophagus and doesn't go down.   I constantly feel like I'm going to puke.  I should point out that I don't feel nauseous, just like I'm overflowing with food.

So my question is, does anyone know of foods that I can eat, and enjoy, and not feel like I want to hurl afterwards?  So far, jello and crackers are about it.  And I can't survive off that.  Nor can it be good for the baby.  Any ideas?

[ourinfertilejourney]

Daycare vs. Nanny

I've had such a hard time with this debate recently.  I absolutely cannot stay home from work longer than the FMLA allows.  And we aren't independently wealthy (like, at all) so both me and my husband have to work.  We also can't afford anything super expensive.  $200/wk is about our max.  So do we go nanny or daycare?  I toured 2 daycares today and, while both were lovely and had no obvious flaws, they both felt a little like baby jail.  I cried when I left the first place because I just COULDN'T imagine dropping my baby off for baby jail.  The second place was better, and I felt a lot better leaving there.

As for nannies, we registered at Care.com and put up an ad for a daily sitter/nanny.  We've had a number of promising responses, but it seems like they are going to be more expensive that we can afford.  At minimum wage, 40 hrs a week is almost $400, which isn't unreasonable for someone to privately raise your child.  And, really, can you actually put a dollar amount on how much your child is worth?  But $400/wk is completely out of our budget.  

Why does this have to be so hard?  Why are working women punished in America?  Why can't we have the same maternity leave benefits as, say, Canada?  Or even Pakistan???  Yes, Pakistan has better maternity leave than the good 'ole USofA.  Ugh.  This completely SUCKS!!!