panic-in-my-head - Tumblr blog

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I want someone to notice that im not fine

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I find it sad to realise that whenever i dont text anyone first.. no one texts me first

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Todays dream: to live in nyc with my internet bff

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I want to be loved. I want to be loved so intensely that all my worries and problems just go away. I want to be loved so intensely that I would never feel alone and it feels like forever and we would travel the world. I want to be loved in a way that it feels like it’s not hard to love me. That love comes easy

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Journal: April 11th

Today I took care of myself. Yesterday was the cremation of my grandmother. I’m devestated about the whole thing. It seems like I’m the only one who is absolutely torn up about it. My grandmother was my identity, I was the only one in the family who visited her a lot. She told me stories about where she came from, taught me french and learned me how to play the piano. She made me love food and the process of it. She taught me about my ethnicity, because my dad won’t talk about it. She is the only close family I had and she’s gone. We used to talk for hours on the phone, I stayed weeks in their house and she showed me around in her neighbourhood. I’m the only one torn up about her dying. She’s gone, but she feels closer than ever. I know she’s always with me now and she leads the way to my happiness.

So today I took care of myself, like I said. My so called friend asked how I was holding up on friday and I told her yesterday how I feel and that it was the day of her cremation. I still don’t have a reaction. My other friend wished me luck on friday and I told her thank you yesterday. Today I sent her something on Instagram and an image on WhatsApp, but no answer. But she can answer the groupchat I’m in for a presentation. I’m done with everyone. To be honest I never wanted kids of my own and lately I have been planning my future alone. I don’t see a husband or a wife and children in my future, but I always thought I would be surrounded with lots and lots of friends. I’ve been through stuff in the past, but actually losing someone close to me, makes me value my family more. I’ve also decided to never get attached to anyone else anymore, because that means I’ll lose them too. I don’t handle losses very well, so I’m just protecting myself and have a wonderful life with my family and me. I mean, who says I can’t have a wonderful life on my own?

Third time; I took care of myself today. I cut everyone off, I muted everyone I know and I’m only on Instagram for people I look up to and can relate to. I did laundry and had a wonderful lunch with my family. I spent the afternoon on the couch and fell a sleep a couple of times. After dinner I went upstairs to finish my wishlist for my birthday and send it to my family. I spent the evening on the couch and watch some tv with the fam. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, I also bought two books. Looking forward to them.

Tomorrow’s planning; go for a run in the early morning, prep dinner, have a meeting for the presentation. I’ll work out my lines for the presentation. I’ll start on my essay and go off to work in the evening.

If you’ve been reading till so far, I hope you had a wonderful day.

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immersed in midnight light

by Denny Bitte

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Journal: 8th of April

For anyone who might read this: This is not some pretty and enlightening story. It’s just me talking about my day. I’ve been thinking about keeping a journal. I’m not really a physical writer type of person, so that’s why I wanted to do the journal digitally. I would love it if anyone would respond to it and tell me about their day, but that’s alright if it doesn’t get any reactions. I remembered I had a “depression”-twitter account, but I can’t remember the password to it and surprisingly I can’t remember the password to the email it’s connected to. Then I remembered I had a “depression”-tumblr account, since my days and thoughts are a bit emo, I thought it was appropriate to keep the journal on this account. I’m not sure if I’m going to write every day or if the writings have any structure. I’ll figure it out on the way. So this is how my day went:

It is a good day, I felt good about myself. I’ve been seeing some changes in my body. My skin is glowing and I had a good day at work. Until I started thinking about how low my grades are and I will never be able to get them higher. I work so hard for my essays and I just get a low grade. Meanwhile my classmates get high grades while doing the bare minimum. This feels like racism, I need to work harder than every white girl I know and I will still get the mediocre job or in this case the mediocre grade while working my ass off and having thousands of mental breakdowns.

I texted the above to a friend, but she wouldn’t understand the pain I’m going through, so I deleted it before she responded.

Besides that, it was a good day. I also received my packages and I will be using my new make-up mirror tomorrow. I can finally do my hair in my own room after the renovating in my room. There wasn’t a place to hang my mirror so I had to do my hair in another room which I hated. I’m glad I can do my hair in my own room again.

The planning for tomorrow is to do a presentation with the same classmates as mentioned before. I’m probably going to wash my hair and curl and blow dry it while using the new mirror. I’m going to get some gas with my mom. I’m probably going to make dinner pretty early on the day, because I need to work around dinner and evening. This means that I won’t have any time to eat dinner at work or after work. I’m going to read some for classes and go to work obviously.

If you’re still reading this, thank you for listening. I hope you had a good day as well

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Cute Kitty by Pavel Blažek

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I’m afraid of a lot of things, but mostly, most sincerely, I am afraid of being completely unraveled by you, and you finding nothing you want in here.

L.M. Dorsey, She Is Made of Chalk (via thelovejournals)

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Do not disrespect

Don't ever disrespect me or my idols. It will ruin our whole friendship. I'm obsessed with Adam Lambert, he saved my life and he was there for me when I needed him. There are 3 girls I used to hang out with and just clicked with. But one of them, I'll call her Lola, she asked me what I was watching (I was watching videos on YouTube of Adam). I told her about him and she said, I quote: "Ew, he's ugly. Who's that? Hahah." Did I mention that those girls are literally obsessed with boys in my school? Calling almost everyone hot like they are meat and claiming everyone like seriously, you're all sluts. Okay, so she searched Adam in Google and well Adam was a little goth back in the days. And she started laughing and showed me the picture, like bitch I've seen every fucking picture get the fuck out. She told the other 2 girls and they all started laughing and calling him names. And i looked at my screen and was dead serious when I told her it wasn't funny. She told me it was and in that exact moment our friendship was hurt. I told her before do not fucking disrespect me or my idols and she was like ye same girl. Bitch wtf. After that, I didn't talk to her for days. They were still obsessed with boys and one day I left the groupchat saying "Yo, I don't care about this shit. Let me leave in peace, don't put me back in." They didn't talk to me either and so became I the person in class who always sits alone. Don't ever disrespect someone's idol or themselves.

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shout out to people with abusive mothers who have to deal with the world acting like every single mother’s love is so expansive and unconditional and tender when that is the opposite of what we experienced