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she doesn’t deserve you

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want the way you used to want me

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my uncle passed on tuesday, and i’m still trying to process it. i wanted to write about it--the funeral was on wednesday, and i woke up at barely five in the morning for it, and i wanted to write about it the whole time. but now it’s sunday night and i don’t know how to write about it.

i’ll say this, though: death is so tender. the hands, the kisses and the gazes are so tender and so heartbreakingly sweet. or bittersweet, if you will. how damp the earth is. how deep it goes. how small we will seem.

maybe i’ll write about it properly. i don’t know, maybe? sometimes writing about death in detail makes it so impersonal and minimized.

it’s still surreal to think he passed. we weren’t close close, my family and i would visit him and his family maybe only once a year. or twice or three times a year, but i feel like it’s always brief? anyway, he was important to my mum and her sisters. that’s important. i hope my cousins are okay. one of them is the one of the only few cousins i have who are close to my age. she’s only a year older. her older brothers cried. so, so much. it broke my heart. but they handled the funeral so admirably.

he was a professor at uitm. a lot of his students were there. it reminded me of mrs atiqah and it made me sad. i wish i was there for her funeral. i really wish i was.

(i saw a uitm perlis bag at his house and it made me sentap for a moment. sentap sebab azua. aku dah 7 bulan tak cakap dengan dia. yeah sure, we were nothing but i miss the company. that’s all there is to it.)

anyway.

the first week of break went by so quickly. and understandably, too, because of all that happened--my uncle was in a coma for a few days, and then a funeral. it’s only june and there are already two funerals.

river song only texted me once. i know i seemed so excited about it on twitter and tumblr--and only because /she/ seemed like she really wanted to see me before coming home, and the excitement was infectious, but i also knew this would happen. i’m still pissed, though, because it’s been six months and i don’t know why she doesn’t want to see me. like, i know how she gets during the holidays; she’s practically a recluse during this time of the year. but still. we haven’t seen each other or talked to each other properly in almost half a year; is she purposely avoiding me or what? if she is, what for? why? if she isn’t, then what is it? does she even miss me? does she even remember me?

whatever, whatever. she doesn’t know my uncle passed. if she is still the same person she was six months ago (i doubt it, but who knows), i’m pretty sure she won’t care.

i’m re-making my tumblr. i need a clean slate.

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what i would tell my 13 year old self:

you never stop grieving and that is okay.

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she’s coming home in a week and i’m getting butterflies thinking about it lmao NAH

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i’m trying to be more comfortable admitting that i’m lonely. i’m also trying to be more comfortable with being lonely. i say that--but in reality i’m not putting that much effort in ‘trying’.

but yes: i’m lonely. i don’t have an everyday texting buddy like i did last year with azua, like two years ago with both azua and trisha, and three years ago with lina. except--well, lina and i text, we actually saw each other a couple weeks ago when her sister got married. not that often, though, and we talk about current issues a lot. with azua it’s this: jokes and me complaining about school. we have (had?) more or less the same sense of humour, and it can be chill. it was hilarious. i don’t think i miss her, i just miss the company. that’s all there is to it. sometimes i look at pictures of my trip to singapore and i laugh when i think man, literally the day before this trip i broke up with someone. “broke up”, i say, when we didn’t even date. it’s all for the best. i still keep the gifts and the letter she mailed me.

i miss being excited and animated and affectionate with river song. i know she’s busy, but it still sucks. it sucks a lot and i don’t know how much longer i can stand. i’ve been doubting things lately, and the sad thing is i know it’s one sided, so i’m trying to not think about it. it’s wasting my time and i’m sick of it.

there’s no point to this, i apologize. i’m just pretty lonely and trying to cope with it.

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blefghhg i’m not even gonna be sad about it bc it’s literally not worth it. i’m moving on, yes; i’m doing stuff more than i’ve ever done my whole high school career and that’s good. but these past two weeks everyone i’ve met and seen keeps mentioning her to me and seeing that she doesn’t really miss me is. eh. ????? idk it hurts a little bit but i know the circumstances. i get it. it’s not like i don’t.

anyway. whatever. i didn’t even want to write about this. goodnight.

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Pero, like

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i want someone to hug me and kiss me and tell me they love me

:(

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Daniel Handler, Why We Broke Up

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this week:

i keep shouting @ ppl mainly my classmates bc they either 1) don’t do anything they’re supposed to do and it pisses me off, or 2) they do things that piss me off. 

izzah said this to me on monday: “diorang asyik harapkan kat awak untuk buat kerja.” and that comment is still stuck with me

i got made fun of by two teachers today

and i cried in class

yay

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whenever good new songs come out on the radio all i could think of while i sing along is “man, i would love to hear her sing this to me”

lawak tak ha hah :(

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i still can’t believe she’s gone. her family deleted her facebook, and it’s for the best but still--that sealed the deal. i couldn’t go to her funeral, the last time i saw her alive was almost 2 years ago.

innalilahwainnailaihiraji’un.

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i skipped school on monday (yesterday) bc of period pain + food poisoning and i skipped again today

i am a travesty and a sham