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[physical-pain-enjoyer]

Day 123/365

2024

"Shit's about to get real." - me

[physical-pain-enjoyer]

Day 86

2024

"Don't cry about the past, cry about your future because it ain't getting any brighter."

~ Autistic.brownies ~

One of my fav quotes from a philosopher that runs a digital school of philosophy by the name of Autistic.brownies (Instagram meme page).

[physical-pain-enjoyer]

Day 86

2024

I like physical pain because it makes me focus on it so much so I forget about the mental one, even if it's for a brief moment. All I need to be thinking about is the next rep, next set, punch, kick, next opponent, next gym session.

[physical-pain-enjoyer]

Day 78

2024

Parking lot A

[physical-pain-enjoyer]

Day 77

2024

Today I've decided to end my rental contract next month 19, and find cheaper places to stay preferably a shared room. I found a shared room with some Indians but the place was like a goddamn slum, it was too dirty, they wear shoes indoors unkept beds, weird stains on walls, floors and cupboards and smelled like crap but I may have to move there if I have no other choices left because I'm saving money for this dream that haunts me. Each day at work, each time I serve a customer I will ponder, what am I doing here, what if I did this or I did that, maybe I could've been successful if I did what I wanted to do, it's killing me inside, slowly and so brings me to my next point I have made a huge decision to quit my job somewhere in July or august to finally chase my unrealistic and Implausible dream. The dream that I killed a few years ago. Something ignited it again, perhaps it's my foolishness, or just wanting to be something bigger than myself. Deep down I know the truth, I have been suppressing it. it's the masculine urge, the urge to break free from this unnatural loop, these chains that bound me to societal norms. The urge to seek glory, to conquer and to bring honour and pride to my family and my ancestors, the dream to become the strongest man. I want to become a light heavy /heavyweight kickboxing and MMA champion.

Never to be disrespected or look down upon again with my head held high and my parents proud. Or I may just end up with broken dreams and homeless. I guess we can only find out.

End.

[physical-pain-enjoyer]

March 1st Physique update, I'm still mid 😔

Current stats:

Benchpress - 82.5kg

Squat - 80kg

Deadlift - 100kg

[physical-pain-enjoyer]

Day 56 2024

11:29pm

Yesterday, I visited an old acquaintance of mine in a church back from my secondary school years. On my way I passed by my primary school and secondary school. It reminds me of some unwanted memories, I still remember the fights I had In front of the school's bus stop, the bullying, physically and online. Because I was fat, weak and easy to pick on and did not conform to the social norms. But when it all comes down to it perhaps I'm the one to blame, the world does not revolve around you, you have to adapt to it.

Looking back I feel like nothing much has changed with the exception of being physically fit now, I'm still having trouble socialising with people, people at work don't really respect me, I feel like I'm an eyesore to them. Perhaps the years of being alone after I quit my secondary school deteriorated my communication skills with people so much that no one can understand me anymore. I feel like I'm falling into a bottomless pit, I feel lost, it's probably just me but I feel like the world is going against me. Physical pain, training and kickboxing have been my antidote all these years, the feeling of pain and muscle soreness keeps my heart warm, it feels as if someone is hugging me and warming me from the harsh freezing winter I call life, but the relief is only temporary, a cure is yet to be found, but perhaps there is no cure, perhaps I'm meant to endure it for eternity.

End

[physical-pain-enjoyer]

Day 52 2024

09:30pm

Recently I started sleeping even later than usual. I stayed up staring at the ceiling and window till 4am. I couldn't fall asleep. Even in the comfort of my own bedroom back in my home country.

Perhaps it's because I had a unfulfilling day, I felt that I haven't done enough, little to no progress was made to improve my life or maybe it was because of my body dysmorphia and insecurities.

maybe it's because of my fear, fear of never reaching my potential or fear of getting left behind by my peers or the fear of the years of pain, suffering, solidarity and work I've put in will never amount to anything. Fear that I would disappoint and break my parents that sacrificed so much for me and my brother, that I'll never be able to give back to them. I feel pathetic.

And most of all, fear to be obscure and forgotten, it's the same as to have never existed in the first place.

I'm writing this as I sit on the second storey of a bus staring at my own reflection on the windshield waiting for it to cross the borders and reach it's final destination where I can finally lay down and close my eyes for the day and hope that tonight would be an easy night.

11:10pm

I have crossed the borders of my nightmare and reached my rented apartment on the 9th floor. I stare off the ledge enjoying the cold night air as the unforgiving wind hits my face. I use to have a phobia of heights, looking down made my leg weak but I find myself looking downwards with ease these days, I contemplated jumping once and how it would feel, to be free of worries and how the wind brushing against your entire body and if death would be fast enough for me to feel any pain but that would be a cowardly way to go out without repaying my parents first and leaving my brother to fight alone in such a cruel world would be the same as stabbing him in the back Infront of my parents. Never again did I think of jumping again.

11:40pm

I have showered and entered my minimalistic room that kind of reminds me of a Khrushchevka room. Dirty concrete walls, a broken down cupboard that can't close, cracked chair, flimsy table, a dirty bed with fungi hidden by layers of bedsheets with a pillow, a table fan and a mirror. Despite all that there's still a plus of staying here, listening to molchat doma and pastel ghost songs in here is a godly experience.

I am tired after travelling for 3 hours changing buses and trains it felt like days. I am finally laying down on the bed, but unfortunately all my problems creep in, forcing me awake, but perhaps the thought of someone reading this makes me feel a bit of relief.