plainlybiasa

[plainlybiasa]

on life : 2021.08.10

so it’s been...idk, half a year? since my last post here?

and that means i’ve been seeing my psychiatrist for quite a few times now.

turns out i have both physical & mental reasons for my nausea :

the endoscope shows that the band at the end of my esophagus, which is supposed to keep stuff in my stomach from going back up, is sorta ‘loose’ & i can’t do anything to prevent that permanently unless i opted for a surgery. but the doctor advised that it’s not too serious for a surgery, but it’s really up to me if i decide to do it one day. or if it gets worse or/and unbearable. but anyway i was prescribed a type of medicine that could lessen the production of stomach acid so i’d feel lesser pain. a gastric med, if you will.

aaand, the psychiatrist i’ve seen told me i may have anxiety (generalized anxiety disorder) & the most recent visit, she also mentioned i may also have depression. which is not very surprising to me tbh. 

the long story for the mental diagnosis :

so one day i felt too overwhelmed & started crying in the car (luckily i was parked) & just needed to get some serious help. i called the hospital & slotted an appointment for me -- ngl i couldn’t even speak properly because i have no idea what i wanted : a therapy? a psycho...something? i didn’t know what kind of doctor i should look for but yeah we got through that -- and i braced myself for my very first encounter with a psychiatrist.

the first session was basically digging through my history & my physical conditions, and any possible changes that triggered the onset for the things i felt at the time. lo & behold i was immediately prescribed an antidepressant & i took it & went to my next appointments as best i could.

then some time in June i think -- i couldn’t go to my scheduled appointment (i had to be in self-quarantine because a close contact was covid-positive at that time) & i was like “okay then we’ll reschedule it once my quarantine is over.” but oh boy oh boy OH BOY. the time between that missed appointment & the rescheduled one, i can’t remember how long it was -- 2 weeks i think? -- things started to go off-track. when i think back to it, i could really feel the lows going way lower than i was used to the months before. could be it’s from the lack of meds assisting my brainworks, since i didn’t get any more meds since it ran out (was supposed to continue getting prescribed with it during that missed appointment but i didn’t get any obvs). all i could remember now was, during that 2-week-period, i was pretending everything’s okay when internally everything came crashing down, emotions ran wild, thoughts never shutting up.

so when i managed to go meet the psychiatrist on the rescheduled date, i literally cried. i couldn’t hold anything back; i spoke some sentences & i don’t think i managed to finish any stuff i talked about. of course i hated myself even more because what in the ever-loving fvck am i doing, crying in front of a person i barely know? the more i tried to stop crying, the more i cried.

the psychiatrist then prescribed an additional meds to the one i was already taking, i think because i was so...uncharacteristically miserable...at that session. maybe, i don’t know.

the session afterwards (2 weeks after that disastrous one) went better. i could think clearer, and had this sort of resolve i think? to get away from the stressing work conditions i was in all this while. the psychiatrist said i also may have burn out (surprise?) because i was like “yeah whatever” towards work now lol.

but anyway. yeah i’m on 2 kinds of mental meds now, on top of 1 physical meds. i may have to take them for the rest of my life but you know. i don’t really mind. if it helps me to function properly, i’m okay to it. at least for now.

work is still a pain btw -- but last week i took it upon myself to meet the department head & tell him how my anxiety was becoming worse compared to the last time we had a meeting (in the last post). i don’t know if it’s because how bad i looked/appeared to him (i could feel myself being on the edge of crying again tbh; my voice shook a lot), or if i sounded desperate, or simply maybe he didn’t have the patience to listen to my whole story (the whole meeting took like 5 minutes only) -- but he straight up said to me “would you want to try another thing?” and i immediately said “yes” because that’s what i’ve been wanting. i told him where my interest is in -- it’s gonna be out of his department -- and he assured me that he would try & see if he can arrange things to make this happen. so that’s that.

the change that i needed -- i’ve told about my interest in another field to my direct supervisor like last year during my annual performance review, and i’ve also asked my supervisor’s boss for other opportunities i can do, because i couldn’t keep doing what i’ve been doing these past year. i felt trapped. but i couldn’t see their plans for me, hence why i brought it to the head of department, partly also because he’s experienced a similar thing (anxiety), so i figured he understands it better.

so we’ll see what happens in the coming weeks.

[plainlybiasa]

on life : 2021.01.09

I'm at a point in life where I have no idea what I want to do and how to sustain living.

Also, stuck in this loop since a few years back : "I'm running into a wall re : work" "I think I need a new job where I can better use my expertise" "What even is my expertise" "Can I afford changing jobs now?" "Is there even anyone who wants to employ me? In this economy?"

I've been feeling bad about my current job since idk 2019 maybe? But I just held it in ofc, for financial reasons. Then I started feeling weird physically some time in Oct 2020 iinm, where I'd feel some kind of rapid heartbeat, nauseous, & lost appetite due to the nausea (like I didn't feel like eating because I felt there's a lump in my throat, I'm scared I'll throw up if I eat more than half of what I usually eat).

Then in Nov 2020 I went to a local clinic because the condition have been continuing for a few weeks & didn't subside. The clinic ran some tests -- ECG for the heartbeat, drawing some blood to check for abnormalities -- and they didn't see anything unusual. Hence they referred me to a hospital for further checkup.

Upon checkup at the hospital, I was then admitted to a ward (had to do a swab test to confirm I was covid-free before admission) for monitoring and more tests : more blood drawn (at least 2 small vials + 1 large one); another ECG session; x-ray; ultrasonic scan twice (once for the abdomen, then they saw a suspicious lump in my uterus; hence the second time, where it was confirmed that the lump was benign & it had been inspected during my pregnancy ~5-6 years ago so nothing new); more IV drips; some medicine; and just...basic monitoring.

The blood-drawing was kinda 'fun' in which the nurse sorta had to 'force' my blood out since I didn't eat the usual amount lol but she managed to do it & she was also the one who fixed the thingy where IV drip would connect to your vein. I've had an IV drip many years ago, and at that time I had a bruise by the end of my treatment; but this time, none! So the nurse did a super great job & I was so impressed by this XD not even a small spot of bruising! Just a tiny blood clot & that's only due to the 'needle' :3

Anyway -- by the end of my monitoring (5 days in the ward; my daughter kept asking me when I'd be home sobs) the doctor could just conclude that what I had was reflux and/or gastritis, so I got some gastric meds to continue taking at home.

When I resumed work, my big boss mentioned that he wanted to see me & asked about my hospital stay. So I went to his office & then he told me that he experienced a similar thing to what I had some years ago, multiple times, and his doctor said that what he had was anxiety. (I just nodded. Tbh I was searching/googling for the feelings I had and maybe it *is* anxiety, or at least some form of work-related stress, but I had to means to confirm it, so I kept it mostly to myself.) My boss then proceeded to advise me to : "Cut your coffee intake, and basically change your lifestyle" (not word-for-word, but that's the gist). Then he had a meeting & I just said thanks & left.

I mean...okay. Coffee, I've been cutting it to at least 1 cup per day instead of the usual 2 cups. And lifestyle? Idek what he means by that but I'd eat my meals half of the normal amount. That's something, right?

Then at work, I've been 'entrusted' (more like 'forced to take') a project (Project A) where I wasn't even involved in at the beginning. And now it's looking like it's growing to become a sorta big project, because suddenly it involved an important customer and they want to review some part of it in idk 3 weeks?  Yet I wasn't given a clear direction ("Think of it yourself! Place yourself in my shoes"). And at THE SAME TIME, I was asked to "analyze data for Project B" where Project B's data is supposedly confidential and I wasn't even supposed to have it, but I was given it anyway; and "get a baseline for Project C", where it should have been that project team's responsibility imo but since my department has more 'experience' about it, it's mine now I guess; both of which I was doing together with Project A.

Project A needed a lot of confirmations & organizing & alignments, hence when I was asked about Project A's progress, I said "Not much yet" & my supervisor responded "So no progress then." In my defense though I said I was also doing Projects B & C, to which I'm being told "Project B is now being handled by Colleague X and Project C is supposed to be easy, right?" I kept silent and later asked Colleague X about it. He said that only on that morning of the day when I was asked about the progress he was told about it. Which meant (or at least, I felt like) that the things I've done all this time for Project B was not worthwhile at all? Like all my effort, down the drain.

Then another day, on the last day of 2020, since I was already struggling with Project A, I was asked about an old project that he wanted us to hand over to another department, and he said that "Until when would we hold this? Do you know when this would be a problem?" & to which I answered "I don't know. Maybe tomorrow?" I admit I answered that sarcastically and pissed-off-edly and it was evident that he may be pissed-off too, because immediately he got up & walked away. Then Colleague X repeated the same question to me, but in a different way in which I can understand, and it just messed me up.

Then now, early Jan 2021, that sensation (rapid heartbeat, nausea, can't eat) is here again. Coincidentally I had a follow-up checkup with my hospital doctor and I told him I'm getting those again. He looked a bit concerned & I told him about the thing my boss said (about anxiety). My doctor just said "We'll try to see if there's a need to further do a scope-check with you before we rule in the anxiety cause" and proceeded to give me a 2-day medical leave. Which I'm thankful for but made me feel guilty for losing work :/

And during these 2 days, what I actually did was...looking for job opportunities. I think I just can't handle my current work anymore. But at the same time, I can't risk not having income hence I may need to stay in this job for a long while until who-knows-when.

And then there's also the question of : what am I actually good at? Why'd people want to take me? Would I be good in another job?

I'm just...tired. Idk what else to do.

If the doctor decides that I need the scope-check (literally inserting a scope to check my internal organs) then I may be warded again; it'll be safe, at least I'm in a hospital & legit don't have to worry about work; but at the same time I'll worry about my kid & anxious of the outcome. Also there are 'rumors' about another possible lockdown so maybe I can't go to the hospital anyway.

*sigh*

...what now?

[plainlybiasa]