poetry-by-lex - Tumblr blog

[poetry-by-lex]

i want to seep into the soil

and create something unimaginable

for my rib cage to be caved in

and torn apart

the open casket for my heart.

[poetry-by-lex]

if autumn is my favorite season

i need to know what's the reason.

the beginning of my destruction 

is resurrected from the soil 

the result is the production 

of something catastrophical.

after days of rotting away

i finally manage to crawl

out of my casket, an early grave.

the days continue to pass in a haze

until the light, free breeze of may

finally hits my face.

the roots begin my revival

they grab me by my chest and throw

me on a pedestal

remind me that i have nothing

with no chance of survival

and so i must grow and be delectable.

summer arrives

the sun in my eyes

this is the first time outside

since autumn died.

i realize this is my childhood slowly fading

my skin is wilted and decaying.

i'm getting older day by day

the young pieces of me are rotting away.

and in no time autumn is alive

i slowly crawl into my casket

and watch the flowers die.

[poetry-by-lex]

you are something more

than just a lover 

you have become a reminder

[poetry-by-lex]

the exact moment in time

is not defined.

i don't remember when i signed

the contract

i just wanted to be something more

abstract.

a mold in your hands

no energy to react.

i watch the scale fluctuate

remind myself that this 

makes up everything i hate

starving

will never be enough to hold your place

dying is the short end of fate

i close my eyes and sigh

this is the place i will forever

reside.

[poetry-by-lex]

i pretend that i like being alive

and without your presence 

i might die.

i think about the Lotus plants

and primroses in the garden

below 

and i still can't find out

how to let you go.

you have become one with me

my body and soul

i can't find a piece in me who doesn't

feel guilty about feeling happy

knowing we will never grow old.

you still visit me at night

in a dress wound tight

i make myself in love with being alive.

[poetry-by-lex]

in the early hours of the morning

it hits me

that this here

me waking up,

existing and breathing,

is in fact very much 

real.

[poetry-by-lex]

no matter how much i try

it will never be enough.

i crave the affection

yet hate the touch

my thoughts i try to bury

my skin has become rough.

the scars on my hands

remind me that this is all that i am

nothing more than a statistic.

a statue in a museum.

my throat has been abused

as i dig my fingers in

both the food that i eat

and the food i do not.

they claw at my throat

rip open my esophagus

purge me of every good thing

i have ever had.

they glue me back together

like the broken pieces of fine china

they tend to the wounds

that have made a stream of sorrow.

i stand in my mirror

and look at a person

who is nonexistent.

no matter what i do

i will end up a statistic.

a name in the graveyard.

one day i'll be dead

and none of this will matter.

that's how i know i'll be okay.

[poetry-by-lex]

my body is the product

of everything repressed.

the outcome of growing up depressed.

i am decaying

shaking

breaking

and yet somehow

i'm still alive

breathing

as if there is more to the monster

that crawls into my bed

the ones who have screamed to be seen

the ones who wish i was dead.

[poetry-by-lex]

I want a love I have yet to experience

A love like in the movies

One that is as carefree and innocent as

Peonies.

One that will reach me

Even after death

One that will follow me

Until my last breath.

An experience that will last

Thousands of years

A love that will leave me with no tears.

I want a love I have yet to experience

Even just for a moment

All I want is this.

[poetry-by-lex]

I listen to your breathing get slow.

Watch as your body finally lets go.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never actually be ready to let you go.

I loved you and I always will

Even if that means loving you until your body goes still.

[poetry-by-lex]

This was supposed to be the last time

My life was supposed to be done that night

I don’t know if I can take

Another step

Don’t know if I can take

Another breath.

I did what she asked of me

Don’t you know that I starved for this body?

Sometimes I pray that one day I won’t wake

It ends with me staring at the ceiling wondering what it will take

For me to muster up the courage

Before I become more of a burden.

[poetry-by-lex]

In this day and age

Love is not something that is cherished 

But more so a thing that is foraged

There are no boundaries

Or symphonies

That could properly

Speak in a way for you to understand.

That the crumbling happens

In between the hands

Of those who’s lies are wrapped around

Their fingers.

The lies which have seeped

Into their souls

In their dna and in the bones.

[poetry-by-lex]

I wish I wrote in ways that conveys

To you the sickness within me.

I have become

Obsessive,

Impulsive,

And so full of hunger.

I wish I could write until I break down

Until the noise gets too loud.

The emptiness has not only

Seeped into my bones

But onto the paper of which

I write on.

The sorrow has found a permanent

Residence in my soul

And without it

I honestly think I would be alone.

[poetry-by-lex]

The cycle continues

Hatred has seeped into my veins

And I still somehow miss you.

The thoughts of death still remain

And though my view has changed

I am still bound to my bed by chains.

A constant pounding has found a place to reside

Under my bedsheets I still cry.

The days are getting longer

but I still manage to ponder

What my meaning is

If all I am good at

Is being the sickest.

[poetry-by-lex]

When did i become someone i hated

When did I start craving validation?

Every breath became a chore

And i drifted too far from shore

Assignments piled up on me like a weight

And I lay in bed staring at the ceiling awake.

Motivation became nonexistent

The thoughts of dying became more persistent.

All the attempts of escape

Made me feel more like withering away.

The scars along my body

Show more than what I want them to see.

And the thought still lingers

Even when Ana caresses me with her fingers.

Starving gave consistency

Especially when I felt sickly.

I became someone i hated

And I still long for the validation.

[poetry-by-lex]

No matter how much I starve

It will never be enough.

I crave the affection yet hate the touch.

My thighs are practically married

Joined at the hip

My thoughts I try to bury

My collarbones are where my skin dips.

I didn’t eat for week

To look prettier

Better.

Maybe it’s the confidence I seek

Or perhaps it’s just the weather.

[poetry-by-lex]

730 days since death last kissed me.

When he took over

My brain and my body.

Two years ago I promised him

With his poison laced between

Two years ago I swore to him

I would be peacefully asleep

Buried six feet under

With no room left to wonder.

I’m still alive.

Yet I still don’t know how to thrive.