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[pusbangsawan]

Finally I can write something here. Since the last time I wrote, I got a painful headache. It's hard and hurtful for me to watch anything on my phone and notebook and I couldn't bear to write anything.

It started on Tuesday after my last job at school. It was 2 sessions full of energetic girls in a super hot midday. I was tired and probably got a heat stroke. Fool me, instead of taking medicine or taking some rest before going home, I just stopped by a tiny coffee shop just because I wanna try it alone without my hubby. And guess what I ordered? An Iced Latte which is surprisingly so strong. Then I continued with a gelato with hubby. Still in the hot midday. So yeah I got a heat stroke.

When I thought it would be better after a dose of pain killer and some naps, turns out it continues up to 4 days of painful headache. I spent those 4 days lying in bed, taking some pills but it still won't go. Turns out I got my Hypotension back but it's a combo with a high cholesterol and gout. Yep, I'm 32nd years old and got them all.

I know it's cliche, but after those 4 hurtful days, I thought about restarting a healthy lifestyle again. Like, I have to watch over my food (only eat real food), drink more water (something I never did. I stick to my coffee every single day), do some sports (well, being a working mom is already exhausting, right?). But whatever the reason is, I have to push myself. Remembering Onyx is still a baby and I really want to have a long life to see her growing up.

Anyways, today is my late Dad's birthday. Honestly, I miss him so bad. I even cried at my work place just because I suddenly miss him. The last time I visited his place was 3 years ago, before the pandemic kicked into the world. And on this day, Onyx got her first step. I burst into happy tears, full of joy and grateful because I didn't miss it. I saw it in my own eyes. It was so remarkable to see your children growing up right away in front of you. Something that probably my Dad would eagerly want. I know that I wasn't too close to him physically. We rarely meet when he lives, and it was always awkward when we had our conversation. But still, deep in my heart I love him and I know he loves me too. Well Dad, Happy Birthday. I apologize if I might not make you proud with my choice about choosing a husband. But I hope you're still proud of me for standing to my choices, proud of who I am, and proud of whatever I do. I love you Dad, always...

[pusbangsawan]

Healing #10

Since I didn’t bring my journal book, I write it on here so I can dumping what I thought & feel today.

Here I am starting journaling again after almost 4 years hibernated. Not gonna lie it’s hard to start again but I feel like I need to do it. Today is 10th January 2023 and I wanna be more aware & honest of my feelings and my opinion. Eventho I have my hubby to share anything with, but sometimes I need to brain dump myself in other way more privately (because sometimes, who’s not getting mad/irritated by your hubby’s behaviour??).

I write this in the small coffee shop near my home, which is in my wishlist. This is my first time comin’ here and I’m just by myself. I ever ask my hubby but he seems doesn’t interest that much. He said it’s too tiny. Eventho he, himself, said that doesn’t matter it’s a small / tiny coffee shop as long as it has a delicious coffee to taste to. I wanna say ‘woman’ but the woman is me.

The coffee shop is quite good enough. It’s tiny indeed, with only 13 chairs indoor and some chairs outdoor. It has an industrial minimalist style and the music complement the atmosphere good enough (it’s important! I ever came to a small coffee shop that played an EDM music too loud and I never come back again. Sorry). Talk about the coffee, I ordered an iced latte with no sugar and it taste quite strong for a latte! I can taste a smoky, chocolate nutty after taste. Kinda Flores Bajawa character.

I must say the atmosphere is wonderful for writing & working. It has a perfect height of chair & table to work with, not too tall, not too short. I think it can be my another escaping space.

Wanna spill the name? It’s Split Coffee Shop.

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Monday, 21st June, “The First Doctor”

After we found out that I’m pregnant by the test pack result, we tried to looking for an obstetricians that’s capable, has a good reputation, and female. No offense, just for the sake of my convenience. Every body said that every single choice that I make during pregnancy must prioritizing my convenience & healthiness. But unfortunately, every female obstetrician here only available at the morning, Monday to Friday. Which means that I have to get a permit first from my office. Actually it doesn’t matter, but I want to keep this news secret until I’m four months pregnant so it will be convenient if the doctor has an evening schedule.

But since Sunday up to Monday morning, I got a spotting and it kinda scare me. So I decided to visiting an obstetrician near my house just to make sure that I’m really pregnant and how’s the condition. Female or male.

So I visit the first doctor, and he said that my baby isn’t growing yet since it’s still 5 weeks pregnant. And I got no symptom like nausea or anything like a first trimester pregnancy symptoms so the doctor prescribed me a progesterone booster and ask me to visit him 2 weeks later. He warned me to be more careful by now.

We left the clinic with a a mixed feelings. My anxious was coming. I was terrified with imagination that the baby couldn’t make it but my husband sooth me and support me that we still have sooo many chances. And start from now, I have to suggest myself to think and to feel with happiness. Avoid anything that makes me afraid, anxious, and depressed. That I have to enjoy this pregnant journey with joy. So we came home and rest, enjoying a hot chocolate before sleep.

So it’s official. I’m pregnant.

[pusbangsawan]

Saturday, 19 June 2021. "The Test"

It was such a miracle, yet a surprising fact. I exactly knew when was the last time I got my period last month and it was late 4 days from before. So I decide to check it with a pregnancy test pack this morning and I was freeze. The line was two. Clearly two, which means that I'm pregnant.

My heart was full with joy, excitement, and also fear. Fear about can I raise this child as good as I want? And also with this pregnancy, I know that my mother would ask me to stay with her l, which is against my husbands will. Even though we already discussed and agree that all the pregnant ceremony and the labour time will be at my mother's house. So I can be focused with the baby without thinking about house duty.

At the noon, there's a little blood came out. Some people and articles said it was normal during the first weeks of pregnancy. And there's no doctor available on the weekend, so we decided to have a visit at Monday.

People we let to know first was my uncle. Fortunately, we had a schedule to visit him because Hubby wants to take my plant and ask for some another plant collection there. My uncle hold himself to not burst into tears, but I know that he felt a bunch of joy inside. And it makes me want to shade a joy tears. He warn me to be careful, because it's my first pregnancy, the first grandchildren for him. My aunt suggest a female doctor for I told her I'm a little bit uncomfortable with a male gynecologist. After that, hubby told his parents this news by phone and they gave some advice for me like eating well, drink a milk for pregnant mom, and also don't force myself too tired.

We were so excited but also confused with this fact. However, we still embrace it with a lot of joy that now, the two soon will be three.....

[pusbangsawan]

Altschmerz

Aku merindukannya...

Terkadang dalam diam aku berpikir, sedang apakah beliau?

Sesekali aku melihat beliau mengunggah tulisan bermakna mencoba kuat dalam cobaan.

Aku tak berani bertanya apa yang membuatnya resah, karena aku tahu, apa yang telah kulakukan adalah hal utama kegundahan dan kesakitannya.

Aku ingin menemuinya, memeluknya. Tapi aku tidak tahu aku ingin bermanja padanya atau bersikap bahwa aku bisa melakukan apapun sendirian.

Namun ada bagian dalam diriku yang masih belum benar-benar bisa lepas. Bagian dari diriku yang masih ketakutan akan kata-kata menekan yang mungkin terlontar. Aku mencoba membiasakan diriku, memberi kekebalan dalam tubuhku akan tekanan-tekanan itu. Sesekali aku mampu. Lebih sering aku tak sanggup.

Sampai saat ini aku bingung. Apakah aku rindu? Ataukah aku takut?

Altschmez : Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had - the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.

[pusbangsawan]

eccedentesiast

Some people say that happiness is something that you have to create by yourself, not by the others. You cannot seeking for happiness or making, begging, and forcing someone to make you happy.

It’s quit complicated for me. Seeing my love one happy is making me happy, and I’m still thinking that whatever they did all this time were just for me, as they taught me every time.

And this question, until now, is still lingering inside my head. What is happiness?

[pusbangsawan]

The Questions

I’m actually tired to write about this thing but it still come up and doesn’t come to an end yet, and started to consume my sanity so I think it’s time for me to write about it. Even though not in the details about the story from where it begins but what’s important right now that I have to pour are my feelings.

There are many questions popped out whenever I want to write or speak this things. Like, is it real? is it really important? is it mean that I’m bad-mouthing someone? am I disturbing people’s time for reading/listening this?  do I exaggerating it? is it actually nothing? do I really need for help?

People has their own problems and struggle. This line always come in my head when I think that I have to share my feelings that bothers me to other people. And that’s hold me to speak and then I choose to swallow my thoughts. I also read a quote about silence is the highest best responds that not all of people can do when they are so emotional, especially when they are upset. And I think that that’s the only thing I can do and mastered, so I choose to keep silent and consider that nothing bothered me.

But the fact that I spent many nights crying, feel alone more than before, getting skinnier day by day and couldn’t sleep well alarmed me that I’m actually not okay. I couldn’t trust anyone in my workplace after what happened before. I couldn’t share the same story to my family anymore even though my parents often saw me crying, because they just advice me to keep consider it’s nothing or it’s never happened.

The toxic people in my workplace that keep attacking me, directly or indirectly, makes me wondering that can it be ME who really has some issues? It makes me wondering do I really capable enough to do the task? do I really worthy as a human? do I deserve to take some rest? do I deserve to be loved? or actually I’m just imagining them as a toxic people?

Looking at my condition right now, a friend of mine advice me to seek for help through a psychologist or therapist, and I start to think for doing it. But having a counseling session with a psychologist actually scared me. Am I really have mental health issues? I already tried to distract myself with the things that interest me, like reading a book and write a journal, listening to the music and trying something new. I tried to ignore them. Building a comfy moment and space for myself at the office, only talk about works with them, giving a space between them and I. And I tried to have a trip for myself. It helps me for a moment when I did it, but when I get back home and come back to the office, the joyous feelings I got start to disappeared.

Until I post this, I still didn’t know what to do for sure.

[pusbangsawan]

mengenalmu serupa ombak di tepi pantai, lembut menyentuh namun sekilas. bersamamu serupa pelangi, indah beraneka warna meski hanya sebentar. namun bersahabat denganmu serupa emas. abadi meski ditempa beribu kali.

anindrustiyan

[pusbangsawan]

Thought #1

I promised to myself, in the beginning of this year, to be more positive in every possible ways. Because I’m tired of the negative energy that wasting my time, and mostly, take me to the uncomfortable situation.

But I’m only human. I still feel so angry, upset and sad, even can be so sensitive through it all. And mostly I can’t release it all through the words by yelling or whatsoever. So I choose to be silence, rather than ruining everything by my words and regret it after that.

However, I’m still trying to be more patience and I found out that, through the silence, I can see how it works. To control my emotions. I hear more than before. I can feel he universe speak through the silence, that arguing is just wasting time, energy, and the worst, I can lose everything.

I learn to speak for the good, and keep by myself for the bad. I learn to spread more love, not giving the hate and gaining enemies. We are getting older. And we need more love and warmth in this selfish world.

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So many things inside my head. All about you. But nothing comes out. I can't pour it into the words like I always do. I guess I'm hoping too much to you. And I feel like a fool who never learned from the past.

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If only I wasn't let it grow....

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Setidaknya Saya Pernah Mengenalnya

Seringnya rindu ini saya genggam sendirian. Tidak pernah diungkapkan. Bukan karena tak ingin. Bukan juga karena gengsi. Tapi karena saya menjaga hati. Atau mungkin saya kurang pemberani?

Yang bisa saya lakukan hanya menatap sekilas dari kejauhan. Melihatnya dengan kesibukannya. Dan saya di sini mencoba sibuk sendiri juga. Siapa tahu, saya bisa menyingkirkan keinginan saya untuk memikirkannya. Mengenyahkan keinginan agar tidak memikirkannya pun perlu usaha. Dan itu tidak mudah.

Ada yang bilang, kalau kita sering memimpikan orang yang sama, maka kesempatan kita untuk bertemu dengannya di dunia nyata pun berkurang. Entah memang begitu adanya, atau tanpa sadar pemahaman itu mengendap dalam alam bawah sadar saya. Lama sekali saya tidak bertemu dengannya. Pun kalau ada kesempatan, seperti terlewat begitu saja. Atau mungkin memang waktunya yang belum tepat.

Pada akhirnya saya hanya seperti penggemar yang tak dikenal olehnya. Segala macam kalimat permulaan percakapan hanya berhenti sampai di permulaan. Tak pernah mencapai klimaks, apalagi sampai penutup. Maka dari situ saya menyimpulkan, bahwa kehadiran saya tak pernah dianggap khusus olehnya. Bahwa kenangan yang lama itu, hanya bentuk kepedulian pada saat itu, dan tak ada maksud lain dibaliknya.

Tapi saya tak pernah mempertanyakan, apalagi sampai menuntut jawaban. Karena dari awal saya sudah tahu diri, dan menyiapkan kemungkinan ini hanya pesona sesaat. Maka saya tak akan menyesal terlalu dalam. Setidaknya saya pernah punya keinginan untuk menenangkannya saat ia tak punya kendali atas emosinya. Setidaknya saya pernah memiliki sedikit kenangan dengannya. Setidaknya saya pernah duduk dan mengobrol dengannya. Setidaknya dia pernah hadir dalam mimpi saya. Setidaknya, saya pernah mengenalnya.

[pusbangsawan]

Di antara sekian patah hati, kepergianmu merupakan patah hati paling sedih yang pernah kualami.

[pusbangsawan]

That’s The Way It Is

World today moves so fast. Now you’re at home, tomorrow on the road, next day you’re giggling with your friends, and in the next morning, you’re already in your office.

So does your feelings. Moves so fast like nothing could stop. Up and down. Yesterday you were so sad, crying overnight. Now you laugh out loud, and then in the night, you feel nothing at all. Lying on your bed, staring at the ceiling. Thinking about nothing.

Or when you’re on your way to lunch, imagining the delicious food you’ll get. But on the way to be there, you see something that reminds you of someone. Then you imagining them doing the things they would do. And then you realized, they are not here anymore. And just in a minute, you shed a tear.

Ooh, we’re just a human. We feel so many feelings. Now we’re like this, in another minute we’re like that.

Somebody once told me, everything happens to us, already moved by God. It’s not our will. Even when you just sitting there, daydreaming. That’s the God’s will. So whatever happens in our life, we shouldn’t regret it. It already moves the way it is. Just be grateful. That God loves us and protects us, with God’s own way. Always.

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You will always be here, Dad...

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Yes, I know I should not be sad for too long. But whenever I’m alone, all the memories comes up. And I can’t hold myself to not cry. No matter how hard I try to be calm.