rattywrites - Tumblr blog

[rattywrites]

oh god, I am afraid I will never be loved

[rattywrites]

I long for you, my love

we have been lost in the chaos for too long

I miss you more than before

each passing minute is a pain

every hour too long to pass by

This rope of yearning wrapped around my neck

It drags me mercilessly over time

a never-ending hurt

an indescribable pain

and you do not pity me either

the closer I feel to you

the farther you are

a permanent bane of my existence

[rattywrites]

“do you believe in love?” he asked, staring at me while I gazed down at my hands, fiddling with my sleeves.

it took me a while to answer.

what exactly is love? and how do we believe in it? it is not a religion to be followed, it is not a norm to confirm to; it differs from person to person. how do I believe that my love for everyone would be the same?

I have seen my father's aggressiveness in his love and my mother's cries.

how do I tell him that his safety feels like love. that his care and understanding is love to me. how do I tell him that it is not love that you believe in but the person you admire. and so I tell him, “I am not aware of love but I believe in you.”

[rattywrites]

my soul is a cemetery of all the people I have admired

[rattywrites]

call me void call me wrath call me blue call me rage any name that you call I will be with you in a while I am not a person I am a feeling I do not exist in a frame I am everywhere I change forms I look different in the morning I am the moon at night I am the sun I am never found when needed I am never needed when found either I do not exist I have no shape but I am present far and wide you can call me by any feeling You will feel me just right there And if someday I disappear then call me late, call me dead until then, hello, it's void speaking wrath, blue and rage are pending

[rattywrites]

I claw at my skin I want to scoop out my eyes that explains to me the horrors of the past I want to stuff my ears they have the screams on repeat I want to rub at my lips they have been touched at one time I want to skin my body it has been seen before I want to hide I want to run away I want to scream I want to hold my breath I want to cry I want to shut my eyes and disappear It's like two people inside of me fighting for dominance not an angel against a devil but a devil and devil each battling for superiority to rise and destroy amidst this chaos I claw and claw digging pits to hide my skinned body I feel shivers, I feel eyes, I feel I am feeling too much Oh demons make a decision before I self destroy

[rattywrites]

I am tired of comparing my worth to the numbers I know better than this I can do better than this but somehow I don't want to?

[rattywrites]

screaming and beating and shaking and blaming

arguing and crying and pleading and dying

i am trying

my best

I am losing

every day

losing a piece of me

every second needs to be justified

every action has to make you proud

and you won't settle for anything less

but always wanting all the best

you demand and i offer

i beg and i get thrashed

how long is it going to happen

how long are you gonna keep it going

i want to go

i want to end it

i want to—

disappear

this pain

this hurt

these blames

these noises

these scars

this life

every thing that has ever existed;;

me

[rattywrites]

I am not one bit remorseful for letting you go I do kill myself over the fact that I will never be enough for you I never have been that in this life I am not the one who can hold your hand and walk you to the end I won't be the one falling asleep to your cute face or the one who catches your tears and holds you when you need a break that I can not be the one fighting the world for you or the one to look after you the one with your hands around his neck hugging when you are too happy or when you are in pain the one you will vent to when you are frustrated the one who will have to listen to you talk about every thing you have ever liked the one you will love the one you will choose as someone you call forever do you know how much grief I carry thinking about you every night knowing I am not capable of achieving the only thing I have ever wanted but god, I am happy I am happy you will be with someone who looks after you despite their conditions who won't ghost you or give you lame excuses who won't feel guilty when they hold your hand you'll be loved endlessly they will be yours by heart, body and soul they will listen to you and helps you they will fight your demons and tell you that nightmares are only a fragment of our broken dreams that you're bigger than your fears and the insecurities you have that you're far better than the number on stupid scales and standards and norms set by unknown people you're what you think you're there is no such thing as achieving every moment is a success if you're still here breathing, surviving, existing they will tell you how good you did that day and wishes you good nights while they wrap you in their warmth hold you close and safe it's a shame that i am not the one but i hope you won't forget i once was someone like them that i am always here when you need me just that i am sorry i couldn't be the one that keeps their promises and fulfill their dreams but i hope someday all your dreams and promises are fulfilled for you deserve the absolute best and nothing else

[rattywrites]

maybe we are here together to teach each other― I teach you cruelty without the cruel and you teach this dead the life void to the fountain that grants people's wishes// 282110: 1124

[rattywrites]

I hate labels I hate putting a title on everything we do I have always despised the idea of putting everything in order to make it feel better Why can't we love a mess as a mess Why can't I accept my brain as it is? yet every time I have to label everything I do and it's unconsciously done I want to escape this cycle to name everything in order to feel control I like knowing I have the upper hand and it always ruins things for me I have lost too much to order in this disordered mind leave me alone―

[rattywrites]

freedom comes with a price

you'll have to be independent to achieve something as great as freedom

and by that i mean, independent of everything

of life itself

there should be nothing holding you back

and in that moment

you decide for yourself

whether by achieving the independence

you become a god or a monster

for no other creature can live independently

and whatever you choose

you have to pay for

with your love, life and soul.

[rattywrites]

[rattywrites]

you don't know how it feels when he whispers I love you's into the phone and before it reaches my ears It sets my heart on fire darling I wish we were a thing still for I have loved you like no other what has happened what has the haze done to us

[rattywrites]

the cigarette puffs

forms a halo over my head

you call me an angel

while i claw at the ground

digging pits to hide away my sins—

[rattywrites]

run, i whisper run away while you can, my brain is a maze, i am a soul of mess you don't want to get entangled i am not the one to stay i love you but please go away (fucking don't, i live off you)

[rattywrites]

i am fucking mad

mad at you

for wasting your potential

for losing your breath

over people

who are not even breathing

their eyes are ripped open

it's a showcase baby

look in

the soul has left their body

the day they lost you to their struggles

go, leave

go away

they repeat

they scream in their head

but they hold on to your sleeve

wishing they would change

the clock would reverse back

you might go back to when you were together

when they could still hide their scars

their thoughts

but it's no longer possible

the soul has left their body

the scars have been shown

the thoughts have been revealed

and it is no longer possible

they are dead

and you're over

stop losing your breath

over the wandering souls