reapermane - Tumblr blog

[reapermane]

“Maybe we continue to obsess because as long we keep wringing our hands about our paintbrush shape, we don’t have to get to work painting our lives. Stop fretting. The truth is that all paintbrush shapes work just fine -and anybody who tells you different is trying to sell you something. Don’t buy. Just paint.“ - excerpt from ‘Your Body is Not Your Masterpiece’ by Glennon Melton 

(Got this gorgeous piece of art as a gift from a friend last winter in residential! I really need to find a frame for this...)

[reapermane]

I’m honestly concerned for Pietro... how does he usually “use” a streetlamp?!

[reapermane]

me when afternoon snack was like 1.5 hours after lunch lol 

the insanity of meal times in treatment

[reapermane]

Even if recovery is painful, KEEP GOING!!!

Even if your stomach hurts from reintroducing food groups and increasing your portions, KEEP GOING!!!

Even if the constipation has you backed up for weeks, KEEP GOING!!!

Even if your body changes fuck with you, KEEP GOING!!!

Even if someone makes a triggering comment, KEEP GOING!!!

Even if refeeding is a bitch, KEEP GOING!!!

IT GETS BETTER. It’s such a cliche statement, but it’s so true. The physical pain and emotional distress in early recovery is difficult, and can be almost blinding at times, but there is relief and light at the end of the tunnel. 

[reapermane]

found a super old Ryan edit I made years ago lol

[reapermane]

res/PHP/IOP staff @ the clients: 

[reapermane]

tw rape, suicide, and ed mention:

this is the first year in sooo long that i’ve kept myself out of a hospital or res (besides for the first couple weeks of January). it’s so damn trippy, but trippy in a good way. i’ve actually kept on with recovery. i actually have the physical and mental strength to go on. my rapes + the ptsd from them (and the awful fucking hate campaign that got launched against me when one of my rapists made a video calling me crazy and a liar & so many people took his word over mine) and my anorexia have both caused me to repeatedly try and take my own life in a plethora of ways. but FUCK THAT, and FUCK THEM. i am STRONG. i am CAPABLE. i CAN live my life and thrive and finally feel some happiness again. i still have flashbacks. i still have body dysmorphia that fucks with my head. but im doing sooo much better. and i feel so damn glad that i have finally committed to recovery 100%. it took years and multiple really rough patches, but i am here, and that’s what matters.

[reapermane]

Litoral Cernobil

[reapermane]

Too late to explore, the flames where too fast 👋

[reapermane]

structure in the woods

[reapermane]

Anorexia has been trying to take everything away from me for the past few years. My joy. My drive to succeed. My life. But I’ve been making the conscious decision to challenge it and recover. The top 3 photos are of me from two of my lowest points in my disease. I was dying so quickly and painfully; my vitals were being affected, I was constantly freezing cold, my body bruised at the slightest bump against something, it hurt to sit, lots of my hair fell out, and some days I barely had enough energy to lift my eyelids. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t end up dead, especially towards the end of my relapses. 

But I feel so lucky to be alive today. The bottom two photos are of me just a couple weeks ago. My face is fuller, and full of life. It no longer hurts to merely exist in my body. My hair is growing back out again. My body temperature is back to normal. My vitals are perfect. I have energy to do more than sleep on my couch in the basement all day long. Treatment has helped immensely, and I owe so much thanks to the centers that have helped me along the way. 

This last relapse sucked because I had to spend the winter holidays in a residential treatment center. I cried so much on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years. The last place anyone wants to be in is a house far away from the people that you love. But I know that in order to enjoy these holidays on the outside world, I need to keep myself in a stable place. Even though I hated celebrating the holidays in residential, it was honestly the place I needed to be at most. If I’d stayed at home, I could’ve ended up in a hospital, fighting for my life... or worse, actually dead. I was spiraling nowhere good. I needed that help very badly. And I’m so glad and proud of myself for applying to get help and actually committing to the entire stay. I’m about to head into my IOP online treatment. I’ve been there since the end of January, and I’m not sure when I’ll be discharged. Some days, I just want to stop going, but again, I need this help, and if I want to move forward with my life, I need to accept this help and put my full effort and energy into embracing it. 

Recovery is possible, and you are worthy of receiving it. Please know this. You are worthy, and deserve to love yourself. <3 

[reapermane]

“ F.N.K.HOTEL＿＃02 ” 　 　

[reapermane]

“ F.N.K.HOTEL＿＃04 ”　　

[reapermane]

“ Igloo City”, Cantwell, Alaska, USA,

Photograph by Paul Cunningham

[reapermane]

[reapermane]

The kitchen of the house attached to the Travel Plaza (5)

[reapermane]

swimming pool at an abandoned christian summer camp