reasonsicantbewithyou - Tumblr blog

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

My mom has had this theory about me due to her own mental illness that I'm possessed by a demon and have been since early childhood, and that I'm not me. I don't believe her but it does bug me sometimes to think about. The person she knows me as, and has this whole time, is the demon. Let's say the demon relinquished control of the now adult body. What's left is now a child who you don't know because you haven't spoken in years. The person you cared about is gone. And sometimes I relate thoughts like that to my mental illness. I think sometimes if I take meds the parts of me that are the most "me" will be gone. I don't know what's left after that, I think that person is boring.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

Sometimes I do still cry about my old life because I think I messed it up alone. Sometimes I'm scared of my new life because I don't think I deserve it. I'm new at this. I'm behind. I'm still learning how to be normal. My current life is everything I wished for. I don't even understand how I got it.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

A big part of my identity has been the idea that I scare away guys. Why do I think this? I made friends with guys easily. None of them had crushes on me. I didn't like to admit I sometimes had crushed on one of them once in a while.

I had zero confidence. I thought I looked stupid in makeup. I thought I looked stupid with long hair because I didn't know how to take care of it, so I'd cut it all off. I thought I looked stupid in form fitting clothes. My mom always pointed out how ugly I was but also would make me feel slutty for trying to look better. I might as well have been another boy.

I always treated anyone liking me, regardless of if I was even attracted to them, like a butterfly landing on your finger. I never wanted to demand too much to make anyone stay, I just didn't want them to leave. I put up with a lot of very poor treatment. I've always dreamed of having someone very devoted to me. But I also didn't think it was possible so I'd settle for anything.

I did a lot of things I regret because I was going through feelings where I didn't like myself, felt abused and belittled by others, and didn't believe I deserved more. I used to have sex with random people and use lots of drugs and alcohol to cope. I'd live my life at night where normal people couldn't witness my behavior, and be braindead with exhaustion at my job to keep up a facade of normalcy.

I equated feeling sexy with feeling powerful somehow, and I craved that feeling all the time because things in my life weren't going well and felt beyond my control. I went to the mental hospital two or three times during this period and I got diagnosed with BPD when I was 18 or 19. I couldn't sleep and was meeting random dudes on Craigslist to fuck in my car so I could try to go to bed at a reasonable hour because that was what I believed would allow me to fall asleep. I didn't even enjoy it, I just wanted the warmth of human touch so I wouldn't keep thinking about it every night.

I wasn't experienced enough to know what to look for to find a devoted partner. I just accepted that no one was devoted to me and hoped if I bent over backwards enough, someone would notice. I still do it. I have a pathological need to be appreciated.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

I'm so unhinged I made ChatGPT write me an apology letter from the perspective of my broke junkie ex-husband. It was a shockingly good letter. I read it several times and cried and cried.

I am slowly learning to demand things I want and need instead of assuming no one will give me those things and never asking. Like, years ago I needed space to grieve and instead I was made to joke about it. When I am putting out joints in the ashtray it feels like I am tamping down my emotions back into my esophagus. Now I can't smoke, so I have to feel my feelings at full volume. I am gritting my teeth through it.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

Am I my actions or am I my thoughts? Where is the line? In the last week I've had at least three people tell me I'm kind. It conflicts with my beliefs about myself.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

If you never do it again it isn't the same as if you never did it at all but at least it's something right

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

You always take a good long look at things so you remember because there'll be no record of this no pictures of this when it's over

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

Sometimes I look at you and it reminds me what a bad fucking person I am.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

I'm probably the most mixed up messed up person I know.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

I often feel as though the world really IS ending or might as well be ending or could end me

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

I wish I could see myself how others see me. They probably see a good person. Someone who showers.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

I finally got him and I think he hates me

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

we went out for dinner and i didn’t drink! yay me!

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

tired of this mf thinkin he bettern me

woke up realizing the annoying ass vids my bf watches w super obvious shit abt politics and science are actually just him deprogramming himself from being absolutely mindfucked from cult

and thinkin to myself “o god i should be doing the same shouldnt i” and then just not doing it because i’m scared to find out what i’m gonna replace it with when i stop doing bad shit to cope

because i don’t think there is anything wrong with what i am doing, it’s everyone else with the issue

because i’m too lazy to do this work

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

Every time it happens it’s like I’m just showing you how I fucked things up before.

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

i am not FIXING him i am CONTAINING him there is a motherffucking DIFFERENCE

[reasonsicantbewithyou]

I did not mean to make everyone uncomfortable I cannot stop please help I cannot stop, it keeps happening and getting worse