rethinqing

[rethinqing]

never enough & too much

need I say more. sometimes when I get nervous I start to blather, just saying things to fill the air, and it almost always makes whatever is making me nervous worse (i.e. typically a social interaction). when I get excited I get loud and talk and interrupt and have to rein myself in. I have so many thoughts all the time, and now the eye of the tornado bears down on the fact that I don't believe I am capable of loving, or being loved. not that I am not loved, I have so many wonderful people in my life, but more of receiving it.

but not only am I too much, it is in all the wrong ways. in many others I fall embarrassingly short. yeah, maybe I have a handy excuse up my sleeve to tell myself that it's alright that I'm this way, or to socially excuse myself somehow, but I always feel as if I am woefully inadequate and simply trying to play whatever role is appropriate in order to slow their realization of what I already know to be true

I hope this will convince me to let go of it all. things would be a lot simpler that way. but I keep deceiving myself into thinking things will be different. statistics don't lie though. I am alone, despite all the warmth I am blessed with. I am hopeless, despite the bounty laid at my feet.

[rethinqing]

12/17/24 3:14 am

Two parties and a lot of new friends

woke up trying to wake up early, but laid there sleepy til 9. Got up 40 min before class and went to climb a tree on campus while I waited. rediscovered the indie underground unknown hit pleaser by wallows

Sat through a class learning about the Russian conquest of the Mongol steppe and Kazakh lands, which was pretty cool if you're a real one, and then I rushed home to prep for my lab. instead of prepping, I rushed to finish off the end of hazbin hotel which I had almost completely finished the previous night. the ending was amazing and the songs were honestly peak. And then I had to rush to study for my lab. my laptop broke earlier in the week, so I had to print out all the instructions as well as the datasheets, and then I spent the next 3 hours turning knows, typing numbers, writing results, and drawing diagrams. fun times. but it went pretty quickly luckily. 5pm turned the corner and I got out as quickly as I could. with a single bar of gas left, I meant to go get some gas on the way home, but as usual passed it and completely forgot. lol. I got home and began trying to shape the rest of the night. After some unremarkable time staring at screens, I ended up attempting to get dressed for the party I was going to for the evening. I invited someone I'd met recently in complex circumstances, but it ended up not plausible, still the night was to go on. The initial theme was lace and leather, but my only leather jacket is unreasonably large on me, so non viable

but then I went to ask advice from roommate and girl friend, only to find out during the convo that they are coming to the second party, one where he would end up coming I contact with another friend who invited Mr to that same party (his ex)

now pretend I said all of that very concisely and eloquently.

Anyway so I decided to come to make sure she was okay if they came into contact, but the party was one that started much later, a rave at that. In the meantime I put together a unique outfit primarily aimed to show of my dragon emblazoned fishnets, and stole a skirt from a friend such that I had two to wear, nicely layered with a suede jacket to match. Then I took it all off, including the ~10 chains I put in for fun (with some assistance), changed into salsa clothes, and rushed to make it to campus before 8pm. sadly, the 1 bar of gas came back to haunt me when I was almost there, so I had to turn around and get gas.

at that point, the timing simply made no sense any longer, so I chose to go back home, get showered, and then rush to get dressed in time to pick up a sturdy flock of lesbian friends. I make it back to campus and after a wait, get my car loaded up with all the girlies, and head off to the first concert/party. We get in, and then immediately all scatter. I put on one of the relationship status bracelets, and then depart to corral my friends. Ironically, I made a lot of friends while searching, and met a ton of cool people. Even better, only one of them thought I was trying to flirt and looked at me weird, the rest got the memo and were really fun to talk to. After meeting a group or two of people, I would find a stray arrival party member, and then promptly lose them again. This went on steadily as I met more people, one or two being people I knew from classes, and one was a friends little brother out trying to get over his ex. He dropped something, and after I turned on my flashlight to help, another girl came to help and asked what was lost. I chatter a bit more while looking but was about to give up when the girl found his ring in the dirt. I introduced them and they realized they live in the same dorm, which looking back I wonder if this was a coincidence or if that girl was playing the long game. Anyway I talked to them for a bit longer and then left to find other pastures, meeting plenty of other cool things. I talked to a blue haired girl and made a joke about how I love having lesbian friends and she was like 'yooo I'm a lesbian' and then we got hype. I wandered around more and met someone I recognized but neither of us remembered where, so we made jokes about when we re-meet in the original context and remember that convo, so I'm curious if that will pan out lmao. I talked with a few other cool people, one guy who I could not read at all he acted like a frat bro being mean except the things he said were never mean, they just sounded like they were going to be until you heard all of it lol but that's hard to explain absent context. but that's honestly just a nice twist on standard man operating procedure

and then the cops showed up, and the music got shut down. Everyone started flowing out and I finally reconvene with the initial colle(s)ction, and eventually wrangled everyone such that we could walk back home.

Upon arriving back, I brought el horde back and let them meet shar and em, before they eventually decided to go home instead out further, which worked out since I wouldn't have to be d.d. anymore. I drop them off, get back to the other house, and find that they're all gone. I call mak and realize a miscommunication that occurred. To my luck, shar left her phone, so I got to bum a ride after all (after searching all inside, it was laying on the ground outside...)

We tear off to the second party, and upon arrival I realize it's $20 at the door which would be a nice fee to avoid, so I used some sneak and deception and managed to get past both security guard layers.

notable at this time is the fact that this party was taking place in a HUGE old factory building with motorcycles and punching bags and graffiti and particularly one that I HAVE BEEN TO PREVIOUSLY. somewhere in my old journals I described coming here probably more than 2 years ago, with a friend and a drug dealer that was unilaterally interested in my friend.

we go in to a crowded room with flashing lights and hella loud speakers,

I had WAY too much fun watching the dj mix the songs and transition them smoothly, and dancing was cool for a little while I guess. a guy asked if he could touch my skirt which was nice because at least he asked. but I said no and then he made a joke that I didn't understand and then he giggled and ran away. I saw a bunch more people I knew there, some people I hadn't even seen since high school which was interesting. after a little while standing listening to music, I left to explore more.

I suppose this is a good time to mention that the party theme was BDSM 💀 luckily my previous party outfit mostly worked

see? innit slay? Anyway I found some hanging rings and decided to try and hang upside down from them. This coincided with the start of a brutal pattern where my glasses KEPT falling off and coming apart, but I had fun swinging and people cheered when I did a quick flip so I felt cool. lol. I then offered to take some pics of some girls on a motorcycle, and went all out getting angles, and then they offered to get pics of me. however, instead of just taking pics of me, two of them stayed on and we took pics together which was super slay lol

I don't want to include their faces or mine but imagine a dozen more photos with me & them like this lol. I also had them take the obligatory photo of me awkwardly just standing up on top of objects, as one does.

I went downstairs and made friends with a dude who was around that place fairly often apparently, he offered me a shot so that was timely, and then I continued to journey around. I found a fire outside and met some more really cool people, one who I'd known from college but never quite spoken to lol.

The rest of the night was bouncing between friends, talking to strangers, and then eventually chaotically finding our way to our uber home.

[rethinqing]

2/10/24 2:13 am

drunk.

Emo night.

I love yapping

the complexity of the negotiation is crazy

I met many people and sang with them all

but the few

the ones I spend unexpected moments with

If only I can justify their time spent with me

[rethinqing]

conviction

when i was little i was scared of a lot. i imagined people around corners and in shadows, animals deciding im a chew toy, and probably plenty more lost to time. as i grew, those fears. along with many other emotions, peeled away one by one. but one stayed. the first time it bubbled up was having lost something that i was told to carry by my parents. i had forgotten that i had it, or otherwise gotten caught up thinking, and when we rushed to get in a line, i didn't notice i'd left it there. when we arrived, my parents noticed me without it, and i got in a lot of trouble, i'd lost a special pillow my mom had been keeping to help her sleep, so i felt even worse for making things harder for my mom. a few times before but every instance since then of me losing something, i've felt this same fear. i lost a pair of headphones my dad bought me, and desperately found a new pair so that he wouldn't see i'd lost it. i lost interest in building in minecraft since the day that my friend lost our world file, and all my work went to nothing. at my lowest moment, that fear did me favors. most particularly in the form of fomo, as one might say, fear of never knowing how things could have turned out. this final fear drives most of my strongest emotions now. i fear that the way i pull into my own head when talking to people will result in the final moments i have with certain people being so unremarkable in my mind that i can't even remember a core memory my friend has of me about me doing them an important favor once.

now i view the people i get to talk to as infinite, and the idea of losing them is so unthinkable that i can't handle to acknowledge its inevitability while keeping myself on two feet. each person i've lost sits in my mind, a conversation that i might have tomorrow if they were still around.

the worst part of this fear, this ache, is that i know that getting over it is not something i actually want, and so i must work to dampen the pain, treasure moments, and live like today, this moment, is the very next thing about to be lost, if i allow it to be.

[rethinqing]

I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with what I was convinced you were

[rethinqing]

paradigm shift

fancying yourself a modern icarus, you're

locked up in your handmade tower, sure

nothing's getting better, so

you doubt you'll last the hour.

you marvel at this drive, this passion, what's

driving you to this change? but

nothing's getting better, so

doubt torques your gut

on the border of flight and falling, you

simply close your eyes, true

nothing's getting better so

you tumble from the skies so blue

[rethinqing]

the tug

sometimes I like to think

this ache in my heart is instead a link

as I blindly float in the lonely sea

your hook is what tugs at me

I struggle and strain, more than in vain

my composure impossible to retain

as I mindlessly flee the pain

if only I knew to let go, surrender to the flow

a leap of faith to show

you at the end of the rainbow

[rethinqing]

jack & the beanstalk

I've lived life with my head in the clouds

and my heart in my gut

a mask over my face

a veil guarding my words

each compounding agony can't hide the light

faith that once I get into the world, I'll have my respite

and yet I still find myself jealous of birds

simple, contented lives without a trace

unhaunted, undaunted, free in their glut

unchained by the earth, living in the clouds

[rethinqing]

hubris?

optimal stopping theory says that you should reject the first ~37% of options, then accept the next one that is better than all those that came before.

this is because the odds of rejecting the best option you'll ever come across starts to balloon, and your chance might slip away

but I know that when I find them, I'll know, so I'll risk all I must.

[rethinqing]

princely

the world is filled with individuals of beauty, never lacking for fine intelligences, yet one with both in hand would not complete me. thus begs my search for a perfect foil, a regal partner worth the toil.

[rethinqing]

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

[rethinqing]

new years resolve

I am not content to wait on

til the chance at their hand is long gone

a fire-freed seed seeking its cinder

refusing to await a blaze, it must be tinder

[rethinqing]

love? love.

is love not caring for someone so much so that you read a book, learn a sport, watch a show, only to have more to talk to them about?

giving piece after piece of yourself to them with not only no expectation in return, but an assurance to the contrary?

and yet, love is also knowing when to hide, and let a better foil push you aside.

because love is wanting someone to be the most happy,

even if its a setback for your empty longing to be sappy

[rethinqing]

yearning for nothing in particular.

longing to be elsewhere so that i can long to leave again.

[rethinqing]

why do i struggle to see a world deeper than two shades? i find a fixation, then oscillate moment to moment, a spec of closeness brews confidence that i am everything they could ever want, back around to agonizing conviction that a single brush off means I am obnoxious and to be avoided. many, if not most if my old friends fade as the loaded die falls, and I'm left with surety they want nothing to do with me

[rethinqing]

why do

i crave

control?

-v.k.o

[rethinqing]

we live

in times

where wolves

run after flowers

as they become

damaged

by his

ravenous teeth

their petals wilt

by the very bite

the very swipe

of the claw

-v.o