riverdaleplots - Tumblr blog

[riverdaleplots]

Riverdale plot I thought up @wellwaterhysteria

A new student has moved into riverdale everyone swears is the new archie (barely looks like archie but has the exact same hair colour and he's played by a 40 something yr old actor with a rly sharp jawline). His name is Arnold. They keep getting them confused for one another, including teachers and even his mother.

Everyone instantly takes a liking to him as he starts joining in on all of Archie's typical hobbies. He joins the basketball team, he writes his own songs. Gay Kevin loves his work. He starts hanging out with the whole gang including jughead who starts off the episode talking about how they were all duped.

There's a school talent show coming up and everyone is exciting coming up with their new ideas. Toni and Cheryl are doing a dance/cheer routine they workshop with Arnold. Gay Kevin even asks Arnold's advice on a song he plans on performing. Archie seems to be the only one who doesn't get along with Arnold, and nobody cares what he has to say.

Archie starts finding it harder and harder to keep up with his friends, all his schoolwork and his new song he's been trying so hard to write for the talent show.  And the principal tells him in and tells him if he doesn't improve his grades he won't even be allowed to attend the talent show!

It's only when Arnie (new nickname for Arnold) visits Cheryl starts getting along with her parents that she finally starts getting suspicious. She decides to do some snooping with Archie and they find our that Arnie is actually a long lost descendant of the Blossoms AND the Andrews. And is a mastermind criminal names Arnibald Richmond Blossom the IV. They also discover that he has been poisoning Archie in his sleep to ruin his life and take his place as he's on the run from the authorities.

Finally on the day of the talent show Archie hides backstage and in the middle or Arnie's performance officers come out of the crowd and tell the audience they've been tracking Arnibald for his evil crimes and try to arrest him. But Arnie pulls Archie from back stage and says HE is the criminal.

They look at Arnie and Archie and the officers are unsure who is the REAL archie. Finally someone says. Didnt Archie fall down a well last week let's test him for Well Water Hysteria which they have a special saliva test for and luckily will show up on test for weeks after you are recovered from it.

Finally they do the test and everyone stands behind Archie triumphantly and Cheryl says "He literally has Well Water Hysteria. Bitch." to Arnie who is now being taken away in front of the whole school. everyone cheers

[riverdaleplots]

have no memory of ONE writing this or TWO putting it in my drafts. but anyway. jughead paints his nails and betty breaks up with him (homophobe).

[riverdaleplots]

wAIT has this been done? something something reggie being named prom king or SOMETHING idk king in a stupidn uhh??? whats it? g&g right?? the d&d spoof? idk game. Something about him being a king and then they get to make a joke about someone trying to commit regicide. Did they do this and i forgot. they have to do that

SHUT UP. if they've made that joke i've missed it. reggie campaigns for prom king against cheryl and toni, and cheryl threatens to commit REGGIECIDE if he wins. FUCK. kissing you RIGHT on the mouth i think you're a genius of your time i really do.

[riverdaleplots]

cheryl gets a new superpower: the gift of flight. she uses it to hover a foot or so off the ground wherever she goes so that no matter who she speaks to, she's always just a little bit taller than them. she enjoys the feeling of everyone constantly having to tilt their heads up to look her in the eye. after she gleefully informs reggie that he might want to consider investing in some dandruff shampoo, a town-wide hat shortage sweeps riverdale. the combination of cheryl's Average Floating Height (AFH) and passion for acidic bon mots has left riverdale's populace terrified of and vulnerable to scalp-based insults. jughead digs out his backup beanie. veronica takes to wearing chic head scarves. betty wears her old wig again. no one feels safe. things come to a head when archie is forced to wear a baseball cap during his evening jog. in covering up his hair he negates the one built-in reflective surface he relies on to not get hit by cars in the dark. a small child cycles past him, not noticing he's there, and accidentally clips him in the ankle. it really hurts. he could have fallen and scraped his knee, or worse; his hands, which he uses for punching. when veronica finds out about archie's near-death experience the next day she decides that enough is enough. she waits for cheryl to initiate a conversation with her in public and after a few moments frowns, seemingly concerned. "what is it, vee? have i confused you? why does that puzzled brow mar your beautiful countenance so?" cheryl asks sweetly (condescendingly) from roughly a foot above veronica. "cheryl," veronica says in a low voice (though not low enough for those around them not to overhear) "i can see right up your nose, and..." (here she pauses for dramatic effect. everyone in the immediate vicinity leans in closer) "...you have a booger." cheryl flees the scene, escaping the sound of uproarious laughter around her. the next time the gang sees her, she's walking on her own two feet. she declares it's because she's missed the sounds of her high heels clicking on the marble floors of thornhill but people know the truth. the town is free, once again, to walk around with their heads hatless and unconstrained. the next time archie goes for a run at night, a passing car with its highbeams on catches archie's hair at such an angle that it bounces back onto the car's windshield and momentarily blinds the driver, causing a small accident. archie doesn't notice though, because he has his headphones in, listening to a podcast episode about the history of Well Water Hysteria.

[riverdaleplots]

[riverdaleplots]

happy international women’s day to all girls with serial killer genes, black widows of wall street, serpent queens, living saints, girlbosses with cringefail boyfriends, milfs who poison people, real housewives, dead-beat moms, lesbian art dealers, and girls who would commit murder for a book contract 

[riverdaleplots]

girl help archie doesn't know how to swim but he refuses to put on his water wings. also our town is destroyed

girl help the hydroelectric dam we built flooded the highway and now no one can enter riverdale (2-parter)

[riverdaleplots]

veronica finds out about air pollution, and resolves to fix it. hiram, who is in bed (harhar) with Big Climate Change, sets about to thwart her efforts to reverse global warming and save the world. veronica enlists the help of betty, jughead, cheryl, Gay Kevin, and archie to raise awareness. together, they can accomplish anything! archie has to have the concept of air pollution explained to him three times, and even then his answer to fixing it is to hold his breath until he faints. jughead lovingly carries him over to cheryl's designated Fainting Divan and softly brushes the hair from his face. archie spends the rest of the episode snoring peacefully. jughead writes an article that no one reads about the dangers of driving places. betty sees air pollution as the most formidable serial killer she's faced yet, and makes a murder board so large she has to take out ad space for a billboard. cheryl organises a charity gala with the theme Gasmask Chic and spends half the remaining runtime curating a killer outfit for it. Gay Kevin buys a megaphone and begins publicly shaming strangers into walking and cycling everywhere. veronica finds out that her father is responsible for um. idk 30% of the Un-Breathability Of The Air Around Them and lectures him about it until he agrees to stop being such a bad man. at the end of the episode cheryl finds out that her family is responsible for the invention of coal mining. betty is the only other person who knows and she and cheryl make a blood oath to never tell another single living soul. cheryl then immediately informs the corpse of her twin brother, who is standing out on the lawn as a halloween decoration.

[riverdaleplots]

I just read all your posts and they are some of the funniest things I’ve read in ages I love them sm also the details and language is so good

!!!! oh man thank you so much!! i’m so glad i could make you laugh even a little bit! it’s a singularly wonderful joy to be able to do that so i’m very very appreciative that you told me omg! i haven’t been posting as much lmao but when i get such lovely feedback on my silly little posts it just makes my DAY. 💕🌱💐

[riverdaleplots]

betty finds out she has a fructose intolerance. whenever Gay Kevin, archie, jughead or cheryl attempt to interact with her, she holds out a "doctor's certificate" that says in bold writing "I AM ALLERGIC TO FRUIT" and backs away from them with fire in her eyes. cheryl takes to stalking her around town and surprising her at random intervals as a form of psychological warfare. betty now cannot sit next to anyone from her group of friends without breaking into hives. this is one of my worst ideas yet but that's not going to stop me from posting it.

[riverdaleplots]

oh okay so i put the epic highs and lows of high school football Moment into this ai text generator. really big fan of "I used my education to learn football slang". i wish i'd come up with it.

[riverdaleplots]

au where betty starts getting extremely into taxidermy and this trait is only revealed when archie, post the barchie sex bomb, has to move in with her. he opens the door to her bedroom and is greeted by dozens of dead/stuffed animals that betty has been hiding away from alice. eventually betty has more animals than she can store, so she begins to hand them off to cheryl. cheryl grows very attached to these taxidermied animals, especially the dead deer, and starts to view them as religious figures, announcing that they are to be declared patron saints in her first church of jasonanity. cheryl also begins to believe each deer corpse stores the soul of a dead resident of riverdale, and that helps decide what they are each the patron saint of. for example hal's deer is the patron saint of hopeless causes. anyway I think archie is terrified of these taxidermied animals, and he ends up moving out of betty's house because he can't handle waking up to the sight of her dead cat's soulless eyes. they don't break up though.

[riverdaleplots]

for @practicalmagicisthebestmovie <3

[riverdaleplots]

actually i figure this may as well go on the riverdaleplots blog as well lmao. it counts as a plot if i say it's a part of the um. hiverdale universe. rannibal. hanidale. riverbal. you know what i'm trying to do

actually. here's a list of who i think hannibal lecter would try to eat first in riverdale and why

1. cheryl blossom. for crimes of having fantastic red hair and also because she is just so so rude (just like bart). but actually it backfires on him because cheryl microdoses on arsenic and cyanide every day to build up immunity, rendering her ultimately inedible. 2. betty cooper. because she's nosy but also because she's a competing serial killer and this town ain't big enough for the both of 'em. 3. Gay Kevin, for dating one of hannibal's victims (because Gay Kev can't catch a Gay Break) and then accusing hannibal of having an affair with him because he's the last person Gay Kevin's Gay Boyfriend saw before he died. 4. jughead. hannibal wants him to take the hat off. jughead will not. also jughead wrote an article about betty's serial killings but didn't mention even ONE of hannibal's murders. 5. archibald andrews. at first hannibal thinks he's too simple to pose a threat, but when he hears about archie's "epic highs and lows" speech, he vows to turn him into a human football. 6. reggie. reggie is perfect and beautiful but he makes the mistake of adding salt to the meal hannibal makes for him without actually tasting it first. after that you know it's over for him. 7. veronica lodge. she's too powerful and connected to risk killing, but i think hannibal would really relish (harhar) in killing and eating her dad. homoerotic subtext and all. 8. toni topaz. delightful human being. hannibal likes her. no death for toni. 9. josie mccoy. hannibal wouldn't dream of killing someone with a voice that angelic. it would be worse than murder, in his opinion. it would be like sacrilege.

[riverdaleplots]

a behind the scenes insight into betty wearing all of her hair and wigs and hats and such, if it wasn't obvious what i was thinking of when i wrote this

hats? there's definitely a theme for this episode. cheryl is wearing a beret, only it changes colour every time a shot cuts away and then back to her. betty is wearing a baseball cap with a generic possible sports team name on the front, on top of a wig that somehow looks like it's ALSO going to give her ponytail alopecia, which is on top of her regular hair, which she has left in her normal hairstyle. she is taller than everyone else by about four or five inches. veronica is also wearing a beret and seems to get increasingly furious whenever she and cheryl are in the same shot. archie is, of course, wearing a little rainbow hat with a propellor. jughead is mysteriously missing.

[riverdaleplots]

betty gets really into survivalism and begins hoarding food and water for when the inevitable rapture/end of days/nuclear fallout happens. veronica finds a list betty makes detailing who she would let stay in her bunker (separate to the bunker everyone already has access to) and why, as well as a numbered list of who she would eat first if she ever had to resort to cannibalism. veronica is outraged because betty has placed her as an alternate on the Allowed To Stay In The Bunker list ("lacking in practical life skills, is weird about the texture of canned vegetables"), and third on the Would Eat If It Came Down To It list ("may attempt some sort of coup to gain power, and i have a recurring dream where she and i partake in the consumption of each other's flesh that i don't want to analyze or explore deeply because i'm afraid of my own desires. better to just eat her and not have to really think about it"). veronica shows the list to archie, jughead, Gay Kevin, cheryl, and toni, who have each been named on betty's lists at least once for various reasons. they decide to hold an intervention for betty to discuss the emotional ramifications of putting your friends on a hierarchical cannibalism list. when they sit betty down, cheryl says that she's not sure what the problem is, because she also knows who out of everyone in the room she would eat, and in which order, which impresses betty. cheryl moves up on the Bunker list. the others quickly grow jealous and the intervention turns into a competition between everyone to prove to betty that they deserve to stay with her in her doomsday shelter and not be eaten. they call it the Apocolympics, and it quickly becomes a town-wide event. betty starts making plans to add an extension to her bunker.

[riverdaleplots]

i think robert pattinson should be on riverdale. just imagine it. he would thrive there.

yes i love this. my first idea (open to suggestions and critique) is that they dye his hair red and he’s a distant cousin of archie’s (mary’s cousin’s son). coincidentally he also served in The War and has trauma. basically he’s like uncle fred except weird and fun. he smokes whoopie (which is what they would call marijuana in the riverdale universe) to help with his ptsd. he carries jughead out of a burning building at one point and then reveals that surprise, he’s a writer too! and he and jughead start bonding. also he and veronica DEFINITELY have a mechanical zero chemistry flirtatious relationship.

archie starts complaining to betty like oh man betty i feel like cousin robert pattinson is trying to replace me :( and betty is like well to be honest archie i’ve been having suspicions about him since day one. this guy turns up out of nowhere for no reason other than to “check in on you,” his distant cousin that he’s never met before in his life??? something’s going on here and i’m going to get to the bottom of it.

a series of false leads connects cousin robert to the latest riverdale serial killer, who targets the elderly and frames the deaths as natural causes. using her fbi credentials, betty finds the most damning piece of evidence yet: cousin robert didn’t leave the military voluntarily, he was dishonorably discharged. she and archie confront him and he tersely, wretchedly admits that he was discharged for being gay (don’t ask don’t tell was never repealed in the riverdale universe). and all those times betty thought he was sneaking out to murder people? he was actually sneaking out to go cruising in the woods.

hurt, cousin robert says he should just leave riverdale. feeling genuinely terrible, archie convinces him to stay. however, in the next episode he finds out that cousin robert has introduced whoopie to jughead which got him back into maple mushrooms which is threatening to get him back into drinking :( and archie’s like okay you may not be the serial killer but you are a bad person get out of my town :(((

(at the end of the season, the real killer is revealed: it’s one of the kids archie used to mentor at his wrestling gym! they’re going after the elderly because “they made the world so bad for us young people. I just want them to feel what it’s like to be powerless, just once before they die”).